The Adventures of Fonttale Baby Papyrus!
by specialminds
Summary: Life's not easy for a baby bones when they're the only Horror Font in the family, but life's not exactly a cakewalk for Gaster and Sans either. This is a collection of all the short stories I've made on tumbler for Fonttale Baby Papyrus all mixed together. There's no plot, it's just a Horror baby being a Horror baby. Fonttale forum's on my profile now!
1. Welcome to the World!

**The Adventures of Baby Papyrus!**

 **Welcome To The World!**

* * *

"Come now Sans you can do better than that. Aren't you happy to have a new baby brother?"

 **"Nyeh heh heh!"**

"Look, he's happy to see you!"

 **"yep he suuuure is…"**

 **"My big Buther's sexy as hell!"**

 **"…."**

"S-see? He loves you!"

 _Oh dear..._

 **"is he even suppose to be talking yet? wasn't he JUST born?"**

 **"Is mah birday? I gets da' prezzies?"**

"We-well technically speaking he was born at the same time you were, he's just been in stasis."

 **"so in other words, no. no he shouldn't."**

 **"Habby birday to me...habby birday to me-"**

"It's possible that he's been awake all this time during stasis, learning as the days went by and we talked around his stasis chamber."

 _Of course we don't celebrate birthdays around here so..._

 **"Habby birday to da' bay-beeee..."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

"..."

 **"Habby birday to me! Nyeh heh heh!"**

 _He sounds like a baby witch..._

Sans put the baby bones on the floor.

"Sans!"

 **"i don't like this baby, he's weird. make another one-"**

"Absolutely not! You should be happy to have a baby brother who can talk to you, to HAVE a brother at all!"

 _To even BE here..._

Papyrus rolled around on the floor, trying to reach one of the lab counter's cabinets.

 **"he's creepy dad!"**

"He's suppose to be! He's a Horror Font!"

 _Though he's not suppose to gain an attribute or name until age two._

Reaching the cabinet, the baby bones reached up and grabbed the handle, pulling himself to his knees.

 **"whoa,"** said Sans, his eyes wide. **"that's a strong baby..."**

Papyrus giggled and began to sing. **"I gots the strength of a raging fire, with all da' force of a gweat typhoon!"**

 **"that's not how it goes."**

 **"I gots the heart of a baby lion, mysterious as da' dark side of da' mooooooon!"**

Gaster cleared his throat. "I expect you to take good care of your baby brother Sans. This is your purpose now, do you understand me?"

Sans nodded reluctantly.

"Good. He doesn't have a name yet-"

 **"I's Papyrus, da' Lying Font! Respect."**

"Papyrus no! Do not let me catch you using gang slang again, don't even use it when I'm not present. I will not raise a jigaboo!"

 _Not in MY laboratory..._

 **"You's mad racist dawg!"**

 _This baby's going to piss me off on a regular basis, isn't he?_

Sans walked over to pick up Papyrus, but before he could reach him the baby bones scurried out of the room, crawling faster than he thought possible. The kid comedian jumped in surprise and glared as he heard Papyrus's laughter echoing from down the hallway.

"Please retrieve your brother, I need his photo for the archives."

Sighing, Sans obeyed.

 _The little weirdo couldn't have gone far, most of the doors are closed and he can't...reach...?_

Sans stopped, noticing the door to his room was open.

 _I closed that!_

 **"Nyeh hee hee!"**

Hearing Papyrus, he quickly entered, finding him chewing on a yellow block.

 **"Mmph..maamm..."**

 **"you're not suppose to chew on those pappy."**

"Did you find him?" Gaster walked into the room and frowned upon seeing his son chew on one of his new blocks. "That's not for consumption Papyrus."

 **"Mmyeh?"** Papyrus took the block out of his mouth.

"I'm going to take your picture alright? I need you to look over here though while I do so."

Papyrus stuck a finger in his mouth. **"Does the baby gots to get nakey?"**

 **"ew, no! what's wrong with you?!"** asked Sans cringing.

His brother didn't answer, he merely popped the yellow block back into his mouth, chewing on a corner. **"I say cheese while eatin' cheese!"**

 **"that's a block,"** said Sans, annoyed.

 **"Dis my cheese."**

 **"IT'S A BLOCK OF WOOD."**

 **"DIS MY** _ **CHEEEEESE!"**_

 **"DAAAD! PAPYRUS IS EATING WOOD!"**

"I'm right here holding the camera Sans…also get out of the frame."

 **"….."**

 _CLICK!_

"There! Now you two behave yourselves, while I write the report on..Papyrus."

 _How does he even KNOW that font?_

Gaster left, shutting the door behind him and leaving Sans alone with his brother, much to his chagrin.

 **"We's all alone now...NEYH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"** Sans took a step back upon hearing Papyrus's creepy and sudden laughter.

 _Why am I so afraid?_

 _It's a baby for crying out loud!_

Still, he couldn't quite bring himself to get closer to his baby brother and it made him angry. **"i-i'm not afraid of you!"** he cried, his voice shaking.

 **"Kay'."**

 **"i MEAN it!"**

 **"Baby hears you."**

 **"..."**

 **"You wants some of dis cheese?"**

 **"IT'S WOOD!"**

 **"Is my birday cheese."** Papyrus got up and held out the block.

 **"G-GET AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!"** Sans scrambled backwards until his back hit the wall, he pressed against it fearfully as the baby bones crawled closer drawing his knees up to his chest. _**"DAD! DAAAAD!"**_

 **"NYEH HEE HA HA HA HA!"**

 _ **"SOMEONE HELP ME! PLEASE!"**_

 **"Baby's gonna hug you big Buther! I's gonna gets you!"**

 **"PLEASE!** _ **I DON'T WANNA DIE!**_ ***sob*** **i don't wanna die..."**

 _Why won't anyone help me?_

Sans continued to sob into his knees.

 _Doesn't anyone care about me?_

 **"why won't anybody help? *sob* i'm a good boy, i help in the lab...*sniff* why don't people like me?"**

 **"I likes you! I likes you good!"** said Papyrus hugging his brother's knees and nuzzling one of the kneecaps.

A coldness enveloped Sans and his soul sank into a dark place in his chest. This happened to him a lot, it was almost like his sadness was always _magnified_ when something bad happened. He wanted to believe it was due to the explosion that caused him to lose half his font and wind up with only one HP and one AT, but maybe he just wasn't loved.

Everything changed when his machine exploded because _he_ changed. They only liked Sans because of his font and now that it was gone...

 _Everyone ignores me...they don't care if I get killed._

 _..._

 _I don't care either._

Picking up his brother with shaky hands he pressed him close to his chest closing his eyes, completely despondent. He sat there waiting for something bad to happen. His terror was gone, replaced by the cold emptiness. He barely felt his little brother's weight, he was just so _numb..._

 _No one cares about me, no one wants me here..._

 **"Big Buther...?"**

 _I don't want to be here, I want to disappear..._

 **"Hey, I's talking to you!"**

 **"huh?"** Sans snapped back to reality, looking down at his baby brother. **"why aren't i dead yet?"**

 **"I don't wants to kill you, you's cwazy big Buther..."**

Sans started to cry again.

 **"I's not gonna kill you I said!"**

The small skeleton looked up at Papyrus, tears still flowing from his sockets. **"*sniff* but..why not?"**

 **"..."**


	2. What Do You Say?

**Chapter Two:**

 **What do you say...?**

* * *

 **"Gotcha!"**

 **"p-papyrus!"**

 **"NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"** Papyrus laughed as he clung to his big brother's face, crawling up to lie on top of his skull.

 **"get off my head papyrus!"**

 **"I's not papyrus, I's a hat!"**

 **"you're not a hat!"**

 **"HUFFELPUFF!"**

 **"what?"**

 **"GRIFFINDOR!"**

 _ **"DAD!"**_

Gaster sat cross legged in front of baby Papyrus with his arms crossed glaring down at him on the tile floor of the lab. "Enough Papyrus, get off your brother's head, I asked you not to do that many times already. You need to cooperate with me-"

 **"No."**

"Please?"

 **"I wants to pay with Snas."**

 **"it's sans,"** said Sans leaning against the opposite wall. **"and i don't want to play with you."** It had been a couple days after Papyrus came into his life and as time passed he became more and more unhappy about it.

 _Dad likes Pappy more than me..._

 **"Don't be mean to the baby! I WECK YO'** _ **FACE**_ **!"** yelled Papyrus pointing at Sans. The older brother stuck his tongue out at the baby bones, glaring.

"*Sigh* Please focus Papyrus, this is important."

 **"EEERRRRRNNN!"**

"What do you do when a stranger offers you candy?"

Papyrus thought hard for a minute, staring at the wall beyond Gaster. **"You asks for two pieces, one for Snas and one for the baby!"**

"No, that's incorrec-"

 **"I's not finished! Damn…den you waits until the stwanger gets a dwink and you puts one of da' candies in their cup…"**

"…"

 **"If the stwanger dies dat means the candies be poison and you thow the other one away,"** said Papyrus holding his toes and rocking back and forth. Sans averted his eyes, looking nervous.

 _What's WRONG with this baby?!_

"That's still not-"

Papyrus held up a finger. **"Den you takes his wallet-"**

"Papyrus…"

 **"And you go to da' store-"**

"PAPYRUS."

 **"AND YOU BUYS** _ **ALLLLL**_ **DA' CANDIES!** **NYEH HEH HEE HEE HEE!"**

 **"PAPYRUS NO!"**

"That's wrong. Smart, but _wrong_."

 **"You just can't appeciate da' baby's genius!"**

"*Sigh*" Gaster pinched the space between his eyes. "Okay, let's just try something else."

Papyrus smiled at the wall, proud of himself and excited for the next question.

"What do you say if a stranger says 'If I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"

 **"I says, give me da' bag and I come in yo' mouth!"**

 **"whoa."**

"Get him out of here."

 **"NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"**

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!"

 **"NYEH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"**

Sans picked up his baby brother and carried him back to their room. **"what's your damage?!"**

 **"Baby don't gots no damage! baby got jokes!"**

Sans laughed, though he tried his best not to. **"you-mmm..you can't say those kind of jokes bro! *pfft!* where-where did you even HEAR that?!"**

 **"I weads it in a book."**

 **"and why do you lie so much?!"**

 **"Baby don't lie! I always tells the tooth!"** said Papyrus firmly, placing his tiny hands on his hips and looking up proudly with his eyes closed. Sans half expected a flag to appear behind him.

 **"no you don't! you're ALWAYS lying!"**

"He's the Lying Font Sans. I thought we discussed this." Gaster walked into the room and took Papyrus's blocks.

 **"HEY! DAT'S MY** _ **CHEESE!"**_

"You'll get it back when you learn to behave yourself and take things seriously! I'm trying to raise you correctly-"

 **"Then gives me my cheese! I needs it for nutrients!"**

 **"so he's like me dad? he HAS to lie all the time like i have to tell jokes all the time?"**

"Correct, now stay and here and be quiet, I need to write up the report on Papyrus's FAILURE."

 **"You sucks Daddy! You's gonna paaaay..."**

"I am not afraid of you young man-"

 **"Not yet you aren't,"** said Papyrus, his tone suddenly changing. He glared at the wall beyond his father menacingly, as the scientist glared at _him_.

Sans could almost see the sparks shooting from their glowing eyes as they stared each other down.

 _Oh...maybe Dad DOESN'T like Pappy better._

"You may THINK you're scary Papyrus, but you're just a tiny little brat. If you don't take these tests seriously, you're going to wind up a failure like your big brother, is that what you want?!"

 _Never mind..._

 **"*sniff*"**

 **"YOU LEE MY BUTHER ALONE! I KICK YOU IN DA'** _ **FACE!"**_

 _Thanks Pappy._

Sans hung his head and wiped the tears from his eyes.

 _I hate you Dad._

"Papyrus we'll continue this tomorrow, Sans clean your room, it's as messed up as your stats." Gaster closed the door and Papyrus stuck his tongue out, blowing a raspberry.

 **"Daddy a dick, huh big Buther?"**

 **"heh heh heh...you're not suppose to say those words bro..*sniff*"**

Papyrus crawled over to Sans and gave him a hug. **"You's not a failwere big Buther, baby loves you good! If I mades doody's I'd puts em' in his coffee-"**

 **"why doesn't my font work? if it worked he'd still love me..he used to love me..."** said Sans quietly to himself. He hadn't heard Papyrus at all...

 _CLACK!_

Papyrus kissed his brother's cheekbone. **"No more cwying, kay'? I doesn't likes it!"**

 **"he used to tell me jokes and laugh with me, he used to say i was fun and funny..."**

 **"..."**

 **"he doesn't listen to me anymore, or play with me anymore! should-should i go away? would everyone be happier if i wasn't around? would they even notice i was gone...?"**

 **"Big Buther...?"**

 **"huh?"** Sans looked up, snapping out of the cold dark place he hated so much and visited so often. **"wha-what is it pappy? what do you want?"**

 **"If I gots the wallet and bought all da' candies, I'd gives them to you."**

 _Yeah right, sure you would._

Sans sighed and crawled into his bed, he didn't feel like working with Gaster today, he just wanted to sleep. Baby Papyrus watched him sadly and glared at the door again, angry with his father.

It looked like Gaster needed some training of his own...and the best part was Papyrus was too young to get arrested for it.

 **"Nyeh hee hee hee hee!"** laughed the baby, rubbing his hands together deviously. **"Daddy gonna learrrrn..."**

But first the baby needed supplies.


	3. Scary Guardian

**Chapter Three:**

 **Scary Guardian**

* * *

Three weeks went by and before long the Lab had changed completely.

It wasn't just the new baby furniture and toys either.

The lab staff lived in the same constant terror as Sans now, wondering if they'd live to see tomorrow and it was all because of Baby Papyrus.

The little Horror was proving to be just that, scaring scientists carrying volatile chemicals, releasing deadly hybrid creatures from their cages, and pulling other dangerous pranks that got many assistants killed. Gaster had once joked about him being Comic Sans instead of Papyrus, but despite his calm demeanor the Royal Scientist was at his wits end. Most of the scientists he'd hired either quit or were killed...and some of them had even gone insane and committed suicide for unknown reasons, screaming that they "had" to...that it was "important."

A rumor had spread throughout the Underground that the Lab was an unholy cursed place. The Monsters would whisper about the Royal Scientist having accidently created a demon that now crawled around within the building. Some would avoid the Lab whenever they could, but others were quite curious about the supposed demon baby and would make up excuses to enter the Lab and look for the evil creature as if they were at a zoo.

 **"Big Buther, why you cry?"**

Sans looked at his baby brother, wanting nothing more than to disappear. He didn't answer him.

 **"Hellwoe? I's talkin' to you!"** said Papyrus pressing a hand to Sans face.

 **"leave me alone pappy…just..just go away…"** The older skeleton pulled his knees up and buried his head between them.

 **"NO! You talk to da' baby or I fill your wife full of misery and woe!"**

 _My life's already filled with misery and woe._

Sans really didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment, but he too knew how dangerous it was to upset Papyrus.

Lab staff had tried to solve the problem themselves countless times, going against Gaster's orders and attempting to kill his brother in his sleep. Unfortunately for them, Papyrus didn't GO to sleep and if he was wrong then it was in a secret place no one knew of.

Sans would lie awake at night listening to his baby brother cackle like a baby witch in his crib and every now and again he'd hear someone enter the room only to scream seconds later after hearing Papyrus whisper...something, then in the morning he'd hear that another scientist had committed suicide.

Some of the lab staff in desperation tried to be kind to his little brother and even read him stories, but they would disappear eventually for days at a time, only to reappear later completely insane, muttering to themselves about rabbits and BEGGING others to play peek-a-boo with them. For a time Gaster tried looking up new ways to raise children on the Undernet, but nothing seemed to work on the little baby bones. Bribes, threats, time-outs, and even spankings did nothing but cause more problems and now they couldn't even be _done._

It happened one day while Papyrus was trying to creep him out by hiding under his bed in the dark. He had gotten Gaster to try and get the baby to stop fooling around, only to find out that the little Font had Wingdings. The day after that, Gaster avoided Papyrus like the plague, going near him only when he was too angry to think straight. Sans had asked why one day, but his father avoided the question, burying himself in his work and alcohol.

Papyrus scared EVERYONE to death and what was worse was Sans had to share a ROOM with the little spawn of Satan...today he decided that he couldn't take it anymore.

 **"dad won't let me change rooms. i can't sleep because of you, but he won't let me change rooms! i'm so tired, but he doesn't even care! *sob*"**

Papyrus looked at him quizzically. **"You can't sweep?"**

 **"*sob* you give me nightmares…you're scary pappy! you're scary and you give me nightmares and i can't** _ **sleep!"**_ Sans started to cry loudly, his shoulders shaking with each sob.

It wasn't fair.

When Gaster had told him he would eventually have a new baby brother, he had been so _excited._ His dad NEVER played with him anymore and he was so lonely…he remembered going into the stasis wing of the lab everyday to see if his brother would maybe open his eyes. He had wanted to be the first person Papyrus saw, because he'd heard some babies automatically thought the first person they saw was their mommy or daddy. He wanted to make _sure_ that his brother liked him best, so he'd have someone to play with.

 _Be careful what you wish for I guess._

 **"Dat's unfortunate. I gots to be scary to keeps you safe!"**

 **"*sniff* keep me safe…?"**

 _Yeah right._

Like Papyrus cared about anyone but himself.

He was always causing trouble and he did it on PURPOSE. He'd break things and blame it on Sans, he'd leave the lab and say someone else let him out. He'd destroy his crib, tear up his toys, and scare people to death on PURPOSE. Sans couldn't COUNT the number of times Papyrus had almost caused an accident from jumping out at people and hugging their faces.

Seriously, what was with the face-hugging?

 _What? Does he think he's a freaking alien or something?_

 **"Yep I keeps you safe! I scare da' humans away ery night for you! I's a baby scarecrow cept' I scare humans stead of birdies."**

 _He's not trying to scare me?_

 _Really?_

 _He's reeeally trying to protect me?_

 _Pff._

It was true Sans had one HP, but no one else in the lab seemed to care, so why should Papyrus? Sans was constantly afraid someone would knock him over or shove him into a wall and that would be it. He was usually ignored by the staff and his dad always seemed to be too busy to fix his one HP problem, either that or he didn't care.

All it would take was one accident and he'd be gone, but after six weeks it had become clear that no one was interested in helping him regain his font or raise his HP...they had simply given up on him or were concerned more about preserving their OWN lives.

 **"NOBODY GONNA GET YOU WHILE DA' BABY'S ON GUARD! NYEH HEH HEH!"**

Sans looked at Papyrus, wondering if he was telling the truth.

Did Papyrus really care about him?

He DID always follow Sans around and he couldn't think of any good reason for Papyrus to watch him at night, unless he was guarding him from the humans under his bed.

 _Dad SAID he was a Horror Font…maybe he IS trying to protect me…_

Gaster told him a lot about Fonts after Papyrus appeared. It was one of the only times he ever really talked to Sans now. Once he got going it took hours for him to shut up. He said Horror Fonts were suppose to be scary, they were supposed to be scary so they could catch and eat humans.

 **"Hellwoe?"**

They liked being scared themselves too. Sans remembered Gaster popping out at Papyrus back when he wasn't so terrifying, back when Papyrus didn't have such a huge vendetta against him. Sans had been angry at his dad, thinking he was being a jerk to his baby brother, not that he LIKED Papyrus or anything, but..maybe he was actually being kind…?

 _Does Pappy scare me because he likes me? Like how dogs jump up on people with their scratchy claws?_

Sans felt new tears spring into his eyes as he remembered the time when Gaster had got him a dog. It was a really weird thing to do out of the blue, especially since it was nowhere near his birthday or a holiday.

Not that he got presents on those days anyway. Gaster said he was MADE and not birthed, so he didn't get birthday presents.

 _Cheap ass._

 **"Big Buther, why you space?"**

The dog was probably the first gift Gaster had ever given to him besides his brother and Papyrus did NOT like it. He had gotten super angry when the dog was presented and had tried to run after it with a bone screaming, but Gaster picked him up. It was funny at first because he had thought Papyrus was just jealous, but it quickly turned scary when the dog saw Sans and tried to jump on him with its scratchy claws. He remembered feeling his blood turn to ice when he first saw the claws coming for him. He remembered thinking he was gonna die, but then he heard it.

 _BLOOSH!_

The sound of a Gaster Blaster.

Papyrus had opened fire on the dog and sent it running much to everyone's surprise. He looked absolutely livid despite saving Sans' life and although Gaster had praised him for being able to use the blasters at such a young age, the angry baby bones bit his thumb off and spat it onto the floor of the lab.

 **"Come back down from space Snas!"** said Papyrus lifting his foot and pressing it against Sans' face.

The older skeleton had found out later after Papyrus was put in stasis for a time out that dogs ate bones and spent the whole night crying, CONVINCED that his dad didn't love him and wanted to get rid of him. It was around that time that Sans stopped thinking of Gaster as his dad although he still called him by the name. He had grown much colder towards his entire family in fact and he'd mostly stopped asking for help, knowing no one cared. He still studied science and planned to one day help Gaster as much as possible, but only so he'd see him as useful and wouldn't try to kill him again. He'd actually been conducting experiments already though he was only a kid, hoping to get SOMEONE to like him. Every time Gaster praised him for his work or gave him advice when he failed Sans felt his soul grow cold and sink into his non-existent stomach, knowing he was only receiving kindness because he was doing something for him, not because he was loved.

 _CLACK!_

Sans smiled sadly as he felt his baby brother kiss his cheekbone.

 **"Wake da' fuk up!"** said Papyrus frowning.

 **"s-sorry bro. i..um…"**

 **"You gots to feel better kay'? I'S the only baby round here and I don't welcome da' competition."** Papyrus stuck a finger in his mouth, staring at the wall in front of him.

 **"you really love me pappy? you're not lying?"**

 **"Baby don't lie!"**

 **"heh…"**

 _Pappy's looking out for me…_

 _CLACK!_

 **"th-thanks bro…*sniff* you're too cool** **…"** said Sans kissing his brother on the forehead.

 **"Yep, I's a cool bae. I protect you ery night forever! Nobody be scarier than da' baby and baby loves you good!"** Papyrus threw his arms up in the air smiling brightly at the wall.

 _He's..right._

 _I don't have anything to be afraid of._

 **"i love you too baby bro."**

 _Pappy's scary, but he's on MY side…_

 _He's my friend._

 **"Baby loves you all night long!"**

 **"uhh..ye-yeah. thanks for protecting me all those nigh-"**

 **"Baby loves you** _ **hard."**_

 _And a creep._

 **"stop that."**

 **"Kay'."**

Papyrus crawled under a lab table and pulled out a secret box he had been keeping for emergencies.

 **"whatcha' got there bro?"**

 **"Fiber gas. It's for Daddy."**

 _Fiber gas?_

 _…_

 _Wait._

 **"are you saying fiber gas or fiber glass?"**

 **"Don't drinks any milk tomorrow."**

 **"….."**


	4. Best Friends

**Chapter Four:**

 **Best Friends**

* * *

"*Sigh* Sans, what is this?" asked Gaster looking down at the two boys on the floor.

 **"pappy gives me nightmares, so i made him more cute and less scary!"**

 **"It's too, I's a cute baby."**

"Please don't glue things to your brother's head Sans."

Papyrus lightly touched the small accessory Sans had made forhim. **"I likes it, it match my jammies."**

 **"see dad? he likes it!"**

I don't care, get rid of it," said Gaster crossing his arms. Sans was smarter than this, he should've KNOWN better…

 **"No! I's gonna wear it forever! Baby gonna get** _ **alll**_ **da' chicks…"**

 **"yeah dad, it's a chick magnet!"** exclaimed Sans happily.

"I assure you, it most certainly is not."

Papyrus scratched his head.

 **"Den why you come in here?"**

"..."

Gaster left the room.

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

 **"sick burn bro!"**

 **"When I gets big, I's gonna burn eryone!"**

Sans averted his eyes. **"*cough* maybe you shouldn't-"**

 **"And woast da' marshmallows!"**

 **"you** _ **REALLY**_ **shouldn't pappy,"** said Sans, but the baby bones was already crawling toward their crib, pulling out a book from their mattress.

 **"watcha' reading pappy?"**

 **"Is a book."**

 **"i know it's a book bro, what's it about?"**

Papyrus turned his head. **"You wants the baby to read to you?"**

 **"sure," said Sans.**

 _Even though you shouldn't know HOW to read._

 **"Once upon a time there was a wabbit and a wolfy dog."**

 **"we're they friends?"**

 **"No."**

Sans looked nervously at his brother.

 _Uh oh…what'd Pappy find at the dump THIS time?_

 **"The wolfy dog wanted to kill da' wabbit cause' the wabbit be lying all da' time and he played the tricks."**

 **"that sounds like you bro!"**

 **"I's a baby, not a wabbit."**

 **"ohhh, my mistake."**

Papyrus continued. **"The wolfy dog made a widdle baby out of tar, dat's sticky black stuff Buther-"**

 **"i know what tar is."**

 **"Kay'. Wolf dog put the tar baby in the woad and hided so he could kill da' wabbit when he gotted stuck and when the wabbit came by he thought it was a weal baby, so he try to say hellwoe."**

 _This is the Brier Rabbit story._

 **"Hellwoe baby! You's so cute!"**

 **"pfft!"**

 **"Da' baby didn't say nothin' cause it wasn't a weal baby. Is a tar baby…"**

 **"iii remember."**

 **"The wabbit thought 'dat's a wude baby…why da' baby so mean to me?'"**

 **"heh heh hee hee!"**

 **"Then the wabbit tried to pick up da' baby so he could tell its daddy it was bad and got stuck cause' it be sticky."**

 **"oh no!"** laughed Sans behind his hands.

 **"Yeah! Things didn't look so good for da' wabbit…"**

 **"what happened to the rabbit bro?"**

 **"He picked up the baby and went to go find a witch cause' they be magic and the baby wouldn't come off da' wabbit's widdle paws."**

 _What…?_

 _I thought he was reading Brier Rabbit?_

 **"Da' wabbit wandered through the woods and found a house with a mailbox dat said twee bears."**

 **"heh heh ha ha ha ha!"**

 **"Why you laugh? Bears gots houses! I seens it!"**

 _So do the bears in Goldilocks._

 **"sorry pappy…"**

 **"The wabbit went into da' house through the window cause' the door be locked and the wolfy dog followed him."**

 **"uh oh!"**

 **"Yep da' wabbit was cornered and da' wolfy dog tried to claw at his face, but he got stucked to the tar baby too."**

 **"that sucks."**

 **"It sucked monkey big Buther, cause' they twied and twied, but couldn't gets fee…"**

 **"were they forced to become friends and work together?"**

Papyrus shook his head. **"No, the bears be home and they call the guard. The wabbit and da' wolf dog wents to jail."**

 **"…..oh."**

 **"The wolfy dog knowed people in da' jail dough, cause' he lived the street life…"**

 _Where the hell is this going?_

 **"He said 'they can't puts cute babies in jail! That's aspicable!' and eryone agweed. They maded a riot and the guards say** _ **'SHU DA' FUK UP!'**_ **and erybody shu up cause' they didn't wants to get in trouble."**

 **"language bro."**

 **"Dat's what it says!"**

 _Right, I'm sure._

 _Especially since you haven't turned a single page since you started._

 **"Da' guards say 'who asponsible for dis?!' and the wabbit blame da' baby cause he was a liar."**

 **"what a jerk."**

 **"Yeah, he weal bad. Da' guards got all up in tar baby's face and say 'whys you gotta start shit? We don't wants no stink baby disturbin' da' peace up in here!'"**

 **"they said that huh?"**

 **"They black monsters like da' tar baby."**

 _Oh my god._

 **"uh, bro?"**

 **"SHH! Da' baby didn't say nothin' cause it weren't weal and the guards got mad. They say 'you think you's hard?! We beats you with a STICK!' and they beated the tar baby with a stick."**

 **"oh my god!"**

 **"Yep, eryone cried cause' dat's baby abuse, but the stick got stucked to the baby like the wolfy dog and wabbit."**

 **"well that's good-"**

 **"'IT GOTS A WEAPON!' scweamed the guards. 'PUMP DAT' BABY FULL OF WED!'"**

 **"…"**

 **"BANG! BANG! BANG! They shot at da' baby, but the bullwits got stucked too. The guards eventually wan out of bullwits and they go 'WOWIE! DAT' BABY BE INVINCIBLE! We gives them to da' army.'"**

 **"…"**

 **"So the baby, the wolf dog, and da' wabbit all goed to the army, but they say wolfy dog and wabbit not allowed to train with the tar baby cause' they gonna helps cheat on the tests. They say to go way-"**

 **"…..does this end with everyone dying horribly?"**

 **"I'S NOT TELLING YOU DA' ENDING!"**

 **Sans put his hands up. "alright! geeze…"**

 _Damn bro, chill..._

 **"The wabbit and the wolfy dog couldn't go way cause' they be stuck, so they had to go to da' surgery…"**

Sans' sockets went dark.

 _Oh god…_

 **"But they didn't has no insurance."**

 _Phew…_

 **"'You gots to contact da' insurance agency or you no get better,' said da' doctors. Wabbit say 'I don't need no insurance! I go find a witch!"**

 _Why the hell does Pappy even KNOW about insurance?_

 **"where are they gonna find a witch little bro?"**

 **"Hell."**

 **"figures."**

 **"Wolfy say 'I don't wanna go finds a witch, I gots too much fur and it hot down there!' Wabbit got mad. 'Don't be such a pussy, I gots fur too and I'S going!'"**

Sans covered his face with his hands.

 **"'NO! I's not going! I go find a fairy!' said wolfy dog. 'Fairies be in space STUPID! We can't goes to outside space!'"**

 **"they could get a space ship…"** mumbled Sans still covering his face.

Papyrus smiled brightly at his brother. **"Dat's what wolfy dog did! You so smart big Buther, like wolf dog!"**

 **"thanks."**

 _CLACK!_

Papyrus gave Sans a kiss and picked his book back up. **"So wolfy dog and the wabbit and the baby all try to steal a space ship. The guards tried to stop them, but Wabbit said 'If you comes any cwoser we gonna cast a spell on you! our baby black and knows da' voodoo-"**

 **"i want to talk to you after the story's over papyrus."**

 **"They go ups into space and finds the blue fairy in a blue star, sweeping and dreaming about cwickets. She wake up and say 'Dat's a cute baby you gots there, but it's not a WEAL baby…'"**

 **"she was sleeping in a star?"**

 **"Yep, when you makes a wish on a star it makes her house ring like tellaphone."**

 _Cute._

 _Stupid...but cute._

 **"good to know."**

 **"Da' blue fairy turned the tar baby into a weal boy and the wabbit and wolfy dog got unstuck, they were all weally happy and stuff."**

 **"aww!"**

 **"Then the wolf dog ate the baby, wabbit, and the fairy and got magical breath powers that makes his breath powerful enough to blow down pig houses-"**

 **"aww…"**

 **"And dat's why doggies blow so hard and I hates them. Da' end."** Papyrus closed his book and shoved it under his crib mattress while Sans shook his head.

 **"how bout'** _ **I**_ **read the stories from now on?"**

 **"You's gonna wead da' baby a story?"**

 **"yeah sure, go pick one out for me and i'll read it."**

Papyrus smiled and crawled to his toy box, grabbing a grimy old book Sans didn't recognize. **"You wead dis one!"**

Sans looked at the book in his brother's tiny hand with disgust. **"uhh, no. how about this one instead?"**

 **"NO!"**

 **"aw c'mon bro! what's wrong with this book?"**

 **"I wanna wead the book I founds!"**

 **"the one at the dump?!"**

 **"Yeah!"**

 **"i'm not reading you that book pappy, it's dirty."**

 **"WHY NOT?!"**

 **"i just told you, it's dirty."**

 **"But we might needs the infomation in da' future!"**

 **"…i'm not reading you the Kamasutra."**


	5. Taking Walks

**Chapter Five:**

 **Taking Walks**

* * *

 **"sup, baby bones?"**

 **"Yo."**

"WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!"

 **"watcha' doing?"**

 **"Nothin' much. Welaxing…"**

"PAPYRUS!"

 **"i think dad's looking for you…"**

 **"He gonna be lookin' for a long time."**

 _"PAPYRUS!"_

 **"why's that bro?"**

 **"Cause' I's gonna be avoiding him for a long time."**

"DON'T PICK THEM UP WITHOUT GLOVES YOU IDIOT! THEY'RE POISONOUS!"

Sans turned his head to look out the door. **"what uhh, what did you do pap?"**

"IT'S UNDER THE FRIDGE! GET IT!"

 **"I didn't do nothin'. He on da' rag."**

 **"the what…?"**

 _BOOOM!_

A large boom followed by panicked screams resounded throughout the lab as smoke began flowing from the right side of the doorway from somewhere down the hall.

 **"Dat's a big splosion! BOOM!"** Papyrus threw his hands in the air. **"Nyeha ha ha ha!"**

 **"ye-yeah…"** Sans tilted his head.

 _Is Dad alive…?_

 **"You like splosions big Buther?"**

 **"mm hm…"**

 _Should I go check on him…?_

 **"You likes da' snakes?"**

 **"they don't scare me if that's what you're asking…why** _ **are**_ **you asking?"**

"IS ANYONE STILL ALIVE?"

Sans strained to hear any sort of response, but to no avail.

The hall was silent.

 _Why do people keep applying here?_

 **"Does you likes sploding snakes?"**

 _BOOOM!_

Another explosion, this one making the lab walls shake.

 **"we should leave-"**

 **"I founds a house in Snowdin dat's for sale. We live there."**

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE PAPYRUS!"

 **"we gotta pack our stuff-"**

 **"We buy more stuff. Go now,"** said Papyrus pulling on Sans with his wingdings.

 _"I'M BUYING A GREAT DANE!"_

Sans did as he was told.

 _"I'M SETTING EVERYTHING YOU LOVE ON FIRE! EVERYTHING!"_

 _BOOOM!_

The sound of another explosion could be heard from the lab as the boys made their way to Snowdin.

 **"Hey, hey Snas! SNAS!"**

 **"sans."**

 **"Look! Look at dat' dog!"** exclaimed Papyrus excitedly.

 **"i see it."**

 **"Dat' dog be PERFECT!"**

 **"the answer's still no papyrus, we already talked about this last time we were out. we aren't even SUPPOSE to be out here!"**

 **"BUT THEY EDIBLE!"**

 **"we're not having doggy for dinner,"** said Sans picking up the pace. The small dog continued to follow them.

 **"Da' Japanese eat the dog!"**

 **"i don't know what monster you're talking about, but we're skeletons."**

 **"We can munch the pup…we eats the puptarts!"**

 **"poptarts."**

 **"Baby wants puptarts!"**

 **"there's no such thing."**

 **"I's gonna makes it a thing."**

 **"no you're not."**

 **"I's gonna makes it a thing while you asweep-"**

 **"NO YOU'RE NOT."**

 _You weird little freak._

 **"YOU DON'T LET DA' BABY DO NOTHIIIN'**!" yelled Papyrus swinging his fists around angrily.

Sans ignored him.

 **"HERE DOGGY, COME TO DA' BABY! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"**

The dog ran away.

 **"…"**

 **"…."**

 **"Why do you likes to fill people wit disappointment Buther?"**

 **"it's what i was born to do,"** said Sans.

 **"NYEH!"** Papyrus opened his mouth wide, catching as many snowflakes in his mouth as he could.

 **"you having fun bro?"** asked Sans smiling.

 **"Yeah…"** Papyrus swallowed the snowflakes and looked upat the ceiling. **"Does you know about the water cycle big Buther?"**

 **"hm? what?"**

 **"Da' water cycle! When you cry and stuff your tears evapowate and go up to the sky!"**

 **"oh yeah?"**

 **"Yeah! Then they turns into clouds and wain down again! They don't taste salty cause' salt don't evapowate…"**

 **"…."**

 **"I's catching people's** _ **TEARS**_ **big Buther!"**

Sans put his hood up.

 **"*ARF!* *ARF!*"**

Hearing barking in the distance, the kid comedian turned his head to see more dogs headed their way, the town seemed to be full of them...

 **"damn, these dogs don't quit do they?"** Sans picked up Papyrus, fearing that he...or the dogs, would get hurt.

 **"They wants to be eaten by da' baby-"**

 **"NO they don't! we aren't eating these dogs, i already told you that!"**

 **"We gots to, they're a gift from da' gods,"** said Papyrus sucking his thumb with a smile.

 **"the gods huh? i highly doubt it."**

 **"You don'ts beweave?"**

 **"i believe you're full of crap. if the gods were real you wouldn't be here."**

 **"….I hope you enjoy carrying me all the way back to da' lab big Buther, cause' I's not going home by myselves,"** said Papyrus still smiling at nothing.

 **"you think i won't leave your little ass here?"**

 **"I tell upon you if you does. I tell em' you weaves da' baby in da' snow…"**

 **"if the people here know you pappy, i** _ **guarantee**_ **they won't sympathize with you-"**

 **"I'll makes em'. I cry real loud and then they's gonna hate you. They'll say 'poor baby Pappy, his buther sucks** _ **allll**_ **the ass-"**

 **"hey bro, lemme know when you plan on coming back down from fantasy mountain so i can wash your mouth out with soap."**

 **"You don't gots the testicles,"** said Papyrus smiling and continuing to suck his thumb.

 **"wow..you suck soooo hard bro…"**

 **"But I'll never gets paid like you-NYEH-HEH!"** Sans dropped Papyrus in the snow. **"NYEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

 **"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!"**

 _Mouthy little bastard!_

 **"NYEHHHHHHHH *gasp* NYEHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

 **"ain't nobody here feeling sorry for you! besides, ain't you a little big for a carrier?"**

 **"Ain't yous a little big for a** _ **SIDEWALK?!"**_

 **"eat a dick papyrus!"**

 **"TRAIN ME."**

 _ **1**_

 _ **"NYEHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

 **"WHOA! Did that guy just punch that baby in th** _ **e face?!"**_

 _ **"OH MY GOD!"**_

 _Oh shit…!_

 _ **"NYEHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

 _ **"HEY YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"**_

 **"uhh…"**

 _SHUT UP PAPYRUS!_

 _ **"Did you SEE that guy?! He just punched that baby right in the face!"**_

 _ **"NYEHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

 _ **"GET THAT BABY-HATER!"**_

 **"oh, ffff!"** Sans ducked to avoid a rock that had been thrown in his direction and teleported away before an angry mob could grab him. Before he vanished he saw his little brother waving goodbye.

 **"Imma stays here till you picks me up, kay'?"**

Papyrus stayed in Snowdin for a full two days.


	6. Daredevils

**Chapter Six:**

 **Daredevils**

* * *

Papyrus giggled as his Gaster Blaster swirled around him. His father glared at him, stepping around the baby bones who apparently didn't care that he was blocking the doorway and hall.

 **"Nyeh heh hee! Gasta!"**

"Yes?"

 **"Not you, stink head!"**

Gaster's frown deepened.

 **"hey bro, maybe you shouldn't play with that thing, it's not exactly a toy…or safe,"** said Sans scratching behind his head nervously.

 **"MINE!"**

"Forget it Sans. Papyrus is going to do whatever Papyrus wants. BECAUSE HE'S A SELFISH INGRATE!"

" **You can kiss my tiny hiney! Dis' MY baster…"**

"*Sigh* Just be quiet until I'm done working, please?"

 _BLOOSH!_

Papyrus immediately fired his blaster, accidently destroying Sans' pun book that Gaster had bought for him after being threatened by Papyrus.

 **"bro what the hell?!"**

 **"Dat book be stupid anyway-"**

 **"IT WAS MINE!"**

 **"It still suck dough..."**

Sans lunged at Papyrus, attempted to strangle him.

 **"NYEHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

"I asked you two to be quiet."

 **"HE TWRY TO KILL DA' BABY!"**

 **"IT WAS MY BOOK!"**

 _ **"HE CWAZY DADDY! SAVE DA' BABY!"**_

 _ **"AIN'T NOBODY HELPING YOU!"**_

Using his magic, Gaster lifted both boys into the air, separating them in hopes that they'd quiet down.

 **"NYEH HEE HEE!"** Papyrus laughed cheerfully as he spun around in the air holding his toes.

 **"you know dad's eventually gonna get tired and i'm gonna destroy you right?"**

"Don't threaten your brother Sans."

 **"Like I astroyed your stupid pun book?"**

"Knock it off Papyrus."

 **"yeah bro, if you don't be good imma sell you to grillby. imma sell you to grillby and he's gonna chop off all your little fingers and serve them to all the monsters as finger food…"**

 **"And you'd be da' first in line to eats em' I aspect. Baby thinks Gillby'd like YOUR fingers cause' they be fatter-"**

"Both of you. Shut up."

 **"I sells you to Gillby and I buys food for everyone so they can finally eats!"** said Papyrus smiling and spreading his arms out wide.

 **"i wouldn't be able to afford a NICE CREAM with the amount of money i'd get for YOU."**

Gaster put a hand over his face.

 **"Good thing yous prositute then huh?"**

"….."

 **"hey dad what's a prostitute?"**

"Don't worry about it."

 **"why?!"** asked Sans. **"what did he call me?! what did this fugly little jack o' lantern call me?!"**

"Sans-"

 **"I calls you albino jiggly-puff!"** Papyrus shook his rear at his brother.

 **"DAD!"**

"Shut up Sans…"

 **"NYEHEE HEE HEE!"**

"SHUT UP PAPYRUS."

 **"i'm flushing your blocks down the toilet!"**

 **"I don't gots no blocks!"**

 **"THEN I'M FLUSHING YOUR CHEESE."**

 **"NOO! DAT'S MY** _ **CHEEEEESE!"**_

"Do I need to get out the chloroform?!"

 **"Give SNAS the sleepy water! He da' one being bad!** _ **HE AFTER MAH CHEESE!"**_

 _ **"IT'S SANS, AND YOUR BLOCKS AREN'T CHEESE IDIOT!"**_

 _ **"IIII HATES YOOOOOOOUU!"**_

"THAT'S IT! I'M GETTING THE CHLOROFORM!"

The two boys kicked at the air. _**"NOOOOOOOOO!"**_

Gaster dropped the two Fonts on the floor and went out into the hall.

 **"this is all YOUR fault..."**

 **"HE'LL NEVER TAKES DA' BABY ALIVE!"** Papyrus summoned and lowered his Gaster Blaster, climbing on top. **"HI-HO SILVER! AWAAAAY!"**

 **"PAPYRUS NO!"**

 _BLOOSH!_

 _ **"NYEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH!"**_

The blaster fired sending Papyrus zooming down the hallway getting higher and higher into the air.

 **"BRO!"**

 _ **"NYEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

Sans ran after his baby brother catching up with him just in time as Papyrus's grip failed and he was sent plummeting to the ground.

 _ **"SAVE DA' BABY!"**_

 _ **"HAH!"**_ Sans jumped and caught his brother before he was able to smash his skull on the tile floor. He slid on his arms that were thankfully covered by his puffy blue jacket and quickly came to a halt as the blaster smashed through a wall.

 **"Tank you Sans. I appeciate you saving the baby."**

 **"freakin' dumbass! what the hell were you trying to do?!"**

Papyrus pointed to the broken wall that led out into Hotland. **"Look Buther, feedom…"**

 **"YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE?!"**

 **"No."** Papyrus crawled towards the hole.

 **"whoa wait pappy that's all lava!"**

 **"No it isn't! There be a ledge wight..here,"** said Papyrus climbing outside.

Sans looked out and found he was right. There was a small ledge big enough for a baby bones to crawl on that led around one side of the lab.

 _How'd he know that was there?_

 **"I go to da' store. What you want?"**

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

 **"you don't have any money."**

 **"I gots my baster…"**

"DON'T YOU DARE ROB THAT STORE YOUNG MAN!"

 **"You wants sometin too? Let me guess…is a dwink right?"**

"YOU ARE THE REASON THAT I DRINK!"

 **"can i get some cinnabuns…?"**

 **"Yeah-"**

"NO! SANS DO NOT ENCOURAGE THIS BEHAVIOR!"

 **"I gets cinnabuns and alkyhall for da' schmuck**." Papyrus turned around.

"DON'T YOU _DARE!"_

Papyrus crawled away.

 _"PAPYRUS!"_

 **"see ya' later baby bro!"** said Sans waving.

"Go get him. NOW."

 **"tch, fine...you're missing out on a free drink though..."**

Gaster glared at Sans as the small skeleton left the Lab through the entry door.

 _Cinnabuns are at Snowdin, but Pap's isn't THAT fast so..._

Teleporting to Waterfall, he immediately found his brother and someone else he'd never met before, they looked to be some kind of fish monster with a missing eye. Picking up his baby brother, Sans placed Papyrus on top of his skull, wondering why the two were glowering at one another.

Papyrus was the first to speak, pointing at the fish monster girl. **"You know I'll fuck you up, right?"**

 **"PAPYRUS!"**

 **"I wish you'd try PUNK! I'm the Unstoppable Undyne, and you WILL be brought to justice!"** A tiny Undyne glared at the baby bones atop of Sans' head angrily. She had wanted a rematch against the baby for quite some time now, but he was being a brat at the moment.

 **"Well I wish you go way! Baby don't got time for** _ **scrubs!"**_

 **"SCRUBS?! Sans you better get your brother…"**

 _Yeah, like he'll listen to me…oh hey she knows me!_

 **"And yous better get going for' you lose another eye!"**

 **"Y-You won't win THIS time dweeb!"** said Undyne her voice shaking slightly.

Sans mouth fell open. **"bro, did you blind her?!"**

 **"No, she still gots her other eye, but dat's gonna change if she don't get out mah** _ **FACE!"**_

 _Whoa..no way…_

 **"I'm gonna mess up** _ **your**_ **face!"**

 **"I wish you would!"**

 **"I will!"**

 **"DO SOMETIN'!"**

 **"I'M GONNA!"**

 **"let's all just go get something to eat instead huh? my treat, we can get to know each other a little better."**

 **"DON'T FLIRT WITH ME SKELETON!"**

 _What?!_

 **"We's in Wadderfall anyways. They only lets dogs in Snowdin shops-"**

 **"SCREW** _ **YOU**_ **PAPYRUS!"**

Papyrus cupped his tiny hands around his mouth. **"*ARF!* *ARF!* *ARF!*"**

 _ **"YAAAAAHHHH!"**_ Undyne charged the baby, spear drawn.

 _Oh crap…!_

Sans ducked down waiting to feel the sharp end of the spear, but it never came. Opening his eyes he saw an old turtle clutching the shaft, Undyne struggling to pull her weapon out of his grasp.

 **"Whoa there! Wahaha! Let's settle down a little eh? Don't want anybody to get hurt now do we?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"PAPYRUS! i'm so sorry-"**

 **"Oh it's no big deal. Papyrus and I know each other very well, don't we?"**

Sans looked up at his baby brother. Just how many people did Papyrus get to know during his sneak out nights?

 **"No."**

 **"Wahaha! Yer' probably the most adorable lil' guy in the Underground ain't cha? Ya' got a lil' bit of a fighter in you too! Though that's to be expected-"**

 **"GIMME MY SPEAR!"**

Gerson handed Undyne her spear, much to her surprise. **"Here ya' go missy. Don't be using it against no babies though, that ain't heroic. Pappy doesn't know any better, but YOU do-"**

 **"ARGH! WHATEVER! I'M OUTTA HERE! Stupid baby…"** Undyne stormed back home, disappointed, she came for a fight, not a lecture…

 **"thanks,"** said Sans letting out a sigh of relief.

 **"No problem kid, my name's Gerson! Stop on by my shop if you need anything, It's right here in Waterfall!"** Gerson turned to leave and looked back at Papyrus. **"Stay outta trouble okay rugrat? Your big brother's nice enough to take you out when you're not supposed to be, least' you could do is be good for em'."**

 **"EERRRRRNNNNN!"**

 **"bye mister gerson!"** Sans waved goodbye smiling happily.

 _He was so nice!_

The old turtle waved back and disappeared around a corner, leaving the brothers alone.

 **"You still buy baby dinner?"** asked Papyrus in a small voice.

 **"i doubt gerson sells anything we can call dinner, but he might have a few snacks…"**

 **"I wants dinner! You said!"**

 **"i said we'd get something to EAT, i didn't say it's be dinner…"**

 **"You's cheap,"** said Papyrus sticking a finger up his nose.

 **"where am i gonna buy you dinner pappy? the resort? that place is expensive!"**

 **"You's a bad date!"**

 **"i'm not your date!"**

 **"You take baby out dough…"**

 **"this isn't a date!"** exclaimed Sans, embarrassed.

 **"Not no more, I's leaving-"**

 **"FINE! enjoy the trip back home!"**

 **"I WILLS CAUSE' YOU WON'T BE DARE!"** Papyrus slid down his brother's skull and used his wingdings to place himself safely on the ground. **"HAVE FUN FINDING YO' WAY BACK STINK BUTHER!"**

 **"I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW TO GET BACK! I CAN TELEPORT YA' LITTLE SHIT!"**

Papyrus stuck his tongue out and crawled away.

 _Friggen' asshole!_

The kid comedian kicked a stone glaring in the direction Papyrus had crawled off to. After a few moments he stuck his hands in his pockets and followed suit.

 _I hate making promises…_


	7. Mysteries Are Different From Secrets

**Chapter Seven:**

 **Mysteries Aren't the Same as Secrets**

* * *

 **"watcha' got there little bro?" asked Sans. His baby brother was sitting on the floor covered in spaghetti sauce and noodles.**

Papyrus stuffed some in his mouth. **"Sgetti. I likes it good."**

 **"did you..fix that?"**

It wouldn't be the first time his brother had done something weird.

 **"No, I's just a baby. I can't work da' stove…"**

 **"there's no one else awake right now pappy-"**

 **"I DIDN'T DO** _ **NOTHIN'!"**_ The baby bones angrily kicked his feet and waved his arms around.

 **"then who cooked the spaghetti pappy? who did that?"** Sans squat down and smiled at his brother, picking a noodle off his head.

 **"Santa cooked it for me."**

 **"santa huh?"**

 _Really bro?_

 **"Yep! He real nice. You can'ts see him when you's awake."**

 **"You know it's nowhere near present day right?"**

 **"He visits da' baby from time to time. We talks about da' politics and he cook me food."**

 _Pfft!_

 **"santa talks to you about politics?"** Sans struggled not to laugh, picturing Santa and his brother sitting in his highchair debating over cups of coffee.

 **"Yeah…we gots different views dough."**

 **"is that right?"**

Papyrus nodded. **"He want to be king cause' it be easier to give prezzies to all da' babies if he already lives underground. Life is hard for Santa big Buther…"**

 **"santa wants to be king just to make his job easier? that seems a little selfish don't ya' think?"**

 **"I do's! I say you gots to help erybody in da' underground, but he say no. He want the slave babies to take care of erything,"** said Papyrus looking disgusted.

 **"'slave babies?' you mean the elves?"**

 **"Yep, he take the bad babies and makes em' build toys for da' good babies till they die. They don't gets to pay with the toys."**

 **"that sounds like a sweat shop."**

 _Where the hell did he hear this?!_

 **"Is a freeze shop, cause' they don't gets no warm clothes. They gots to wear tights and no gloves. Is weal sad."**

 **"heh heh ha ha! santa sounds like a jerk pap!"**

 _Oh my god!_

 **"Don't lets him hear you say dat! He gots eyes and ears erywhere big Buther!"** Papyrus pointed to the lab cameras.

 **"that's for lab security bro, so no one breaks in and tries to steal stuff."**

 **"Dat's what they WANTS you to think. He gots the big people in his pocket and the widdle babies eating from his hand. He gives presents to make da' babies love him and threatens to take the babies if the big people don't obey."**

 **"it's a conspiracy huh?"**

 **"Santa trying to fight off da' illuminaughty."**

 _I thought he was trying to make his job easier?_

 _Also…_

 **"what the hell is the illuminati?"**

 **"Present Day lights that only ilwoominate halfway…they naughty too cause' they choose to do dat to make the big people mad. They trys to make them mad and bake stuffs. Lots of my toys get broken by them."**

 **"ohhh, YOU'RE not the one breaking your toys, it's the illuminati."**

 **"Yeah…Santa and the Present Day lights gots in a fight and the illuminaughty made sgetti get on my head."**

 **"the illuminati put spaghetti on your head? how'd the lights do that without arms little bro?"**

 _He's such a liar._

 **"You knows how the lights go black when they don't lights up?"**

 **"yeah?"**

 **"The black lights know the voodoo-"**

 **"get back in bed."**

 **"NYEH HEH HEE HEE!"**

Papyrus crawled out of the kitchen and back into his room, climbing into his crib he frowned noticing his pillow was loud and crinkly.

 **"*yawn* goodnight pappy..."**

 **"..."**

Sans closed his eyes, but it wasn't long before he felt his brother's eyes on him. Papyrus had a habit of watching him sleep and whenever he left his crib to do so, it meant that something out of the ordinary was going on.

 **"hey ya' little jerk, what's up?"** asked Sans smiling as baby Papyrus crawled into his bed. The tiny skeleton wrapped the blanket around himself looking VERY upset.

 _Awww…did my little bro have a nightmare?_

 _Poor guy…_

 **"…"**

 **"papyrus? what's wrong pappy? don't tell me something scared YOU…"**

Papyrus didn't look at him. **"….My friends died today."**

 **"…what?"** Sans' smile faltered. Papyrus's tone had changed to one he was completely unused to and it made him more than a little uncomfortable.

What he said didn't help either.

 _His friends died…?_

 _Papyrus meets a lot of people while on his little adventures, he could be telling the truth..._

Sans looked at his baby brother, he seemed like he was trying not to cry. It didn't feel like he was lying.

 _Oh no…_

 **"My two friends died today…humans got them. I wasn't there to protect them and now they're dead."**

 _Why's he talking like that?_

 **"They left me a note in my crib. They had this plan to break the barrier..one of my friends sacrificed their life to see it to completion…"**

 _What the hell IS this?!_

 **"They told me nothing. They made up this dangerous plan AND TOLD ME NOTHING! THEY DIDN'T INCLUDE ME AT ALL!"**

Sans jumped, startled by his baby brother's sudden outburst. **"p-pappy…? what's wrong with you?! w-w-why are you talking like that?!"**

 _They didn't trust me…_

 **"I's sorry big Buther, I go back to my cwib**." Papyrus got out of Sans' bed and crawled back and into his crib with the help of his wingdings.

 _They didn't trust me at all…_

The rest of the night was probably the most miserable Sans had ever had, he couldn't quite tell why, but the aura in the room felt really bad...like the air was made of a poisonous gas. A thick blanket of despair seemed to cover every corner of the nursery and he couldn't help but wonder if it was because his baby brother was sad.

 _Poor little bro...I didn't really make him feel better did I?_

Getting out of bed, Sans walked over to his brother's crib and picked him up, cradling him in his arms and rocking him back and forth. **"hmmm...hmm..hmmmm..."** He began humming the song he had heard a thousand times from Papyrus's music box. He had no idea where the baby bones got it, but it couldn't have come from the dump judging by its condition and Papyrus seemed to care about it a LOT. He thought about asking, but he decided in the end not to. His brother liked his secrets and right now all Sans wanted was to make him smile again, prying wouldn't accomplish that.

 **"hmmm..hm...hmm...hmm..."**

 **"You sounds like Eeyore from Winnie da' Pooh!"**

Sans put Papyrus back in his crib.

 **"Nyeh heh ha ha ha!"**

 _Mission accomplished I guess._

 _Nice to see you smiling again...brat-face._

Standing up in his crib, Papyrus grabbed Sans' light blue shirt. **"When you gets up can we watch a movie?"**

 **"sure, why not? as long as it's not anything weird,"** said Sans smiling and rubbing his baby brother's skull affectionately.

Papyrus plopped down in his crib, looking disappointed. He picked up his red pacifier and put it in his mouth before lying down on his mattress.

 **"you're so cute bro..."** cooed Sans, petting the baby.

 **"*POMP!* Yep, I's da' cutest bae ever. I wook forward to tomorrow big Buther! Tank you for being nice to the baby..."**

 **"no problem, you're SUPPOSED to be nice to sweet little babies!"** Giving Papyrus one last rub on his back, Sans went and climbed into bed, the atmosphere in the room returning to normal.

When morning came everything seemed back to normal, including Papyrus. The alarm sounded like normal, Papyrus blew it up like normal, and Sans went back to sleep for a few more minutes like normal. Eventually though, he woke himself up remembering that he promised to watch a movie with his baby brother.

 **"*yawn* morning pap, what do ya' got ther-oh oh god no…"** Sans gazed in horror as he saw Papyrus holding a book.

 **"Once upon a time-"**

 **"please papyrus, no more stories. they're all terrible…and racist."**

 **"There be a bunny and this bunny be fluffy as hell!"**

 **"papyruuuus…"**

 _I thought we were going to watch a movie?_

 **"His name be Fluffy Bunny, big Buther."**

 **"*sigh*"**

 **"Fluffy Bunny had the magic powers Snas. He had the dark magics…"**

 **"what?"**

 **"His famy left him behind cause' he be a criminal and he gots real sad."**

 **"let me guess, he gets struck by lightning or shot or a demon drags him to hell right?"**

 **"No, he wites a book where his famy loves him and uses the dark magic to wive inside it so he could be happy."**

 **"aww…"**

 **"He hided the book real goods so nobody burn it or use it for stuffs, but somebody finded it."**

 **"do they drop it in the toilet and drown him and his family?"**

 **"Nooo, what wrong wit you?!"**

 **"that's usually how your stories go pappy."**

 **"I don't wite these! I's just a baby!"**

 **"sure."**

 **"So somebody finded the book and opened it up and da' spell be cast again."**

 **"so now he has a friend?"**

 **"No, only one fluffy bunny allowed in da' story. So the weal Fluffy Bunny pay a game. He hided and asked 'where I be cute baby?' and the baby reading da' book twied to find him."**

 **"so a baby found the book huh?"**

 _I wonder what happens to them?_

 **"If the baby don't finds Fluffy Bunny, da' bunny pull the baby into the book and they takes his pace, then they both be sad."**

 **"that's what i thought."**

 **"You weed this story already big Buther?"**

 **"uh, yes! yes i've read it thousands of times and i'm soooo sick of it-"**

 **"I knows when you's lying big Buther…"**

 **"why don't you just write a friggen' book pap? you're good at making up crap, go write a book and make us some money."**

 **"I gets a job when you gets one."**

 **"i work with dad."**

 **"When da' baby fails to find Fluffy Bunny and switch paces, Fluffy Bunny pays the game and wooses on purpose so he can see his famy."**

 **"well that's nice…still don't think there's a happy ending though."**

 **"Dat is da' ending!"**

 **"what?! really?! that's the ending to peek-a-boo with fluffy bunny?!"**

 **"What? I's not weeding peek-a-boo with fluffy bunny! I's telling a story about da' book!"**

 **"huh?"**

 **"Dis book be cursed big Buther! You weed it and you have to pay the peek-a-boo…"**

 **"i highly doubt that book is cursed pappy."**

 **"It is! And since Fluffy Bunny die of old age outside da' book, now nobody knows the secret! People get trapped insides it all da' time!"**

 **"right."**

 **"It's too! Dat's where all the lab peoples went! They pay the peek-a-boo with Fluffy Bunny and gets trapped cause' they turn da' page without twying to find em'!"**

 **"kay'."**

 **"You don't believe da' baby?"**

 **"nope."**

Papyrus stood up and waddled over to Sans holding out the book and spreading it wide open. Sans sat up and looked at the page fearfully and then back at Papyrus again.

Fluffy Bunny was wearing a lab coat.

 **"Find Fluffy Bunny big Brother."**

Sans lifted a shaky hand and pointed at the not-so-hidden rabbit.

 **"YAAAAY! YOU'S DID IT! NO BOOK JAIL FOR YOU!"**

 _Is THAT where the crazy scientists disappear to?!_

 _..._

 _Can I really be a bunny until someone reads the book wrong? I like carrots..._

 **"keep this book safe bro, we can't let cursed stuff fall into the wrong hands..."**

 **"Baby knows. I keeps it safe forevers!"** said Papyrus throwing his hands up in the air. He crawled over to his block toy and stuffed one into his mouth as Sans put the book in a good hiding place.

 **"You pay wit me big Buther?"**

 **"i thought we were watching a movie?"**

 **"We do dat next. I gots to ezercise my widdle baby brain ya' know?"**

 **"then you gotta go eat breakfast! breakfast will wake up your brain in no time...*yawn*"** Sans didn't really want any breakfast, all he wanted was to go back to sleep for a while longer. It seemed whenever he was forced to wake up at a certain time, he always became sleepier when he woke up.

 **"Kay'. I go finds da' breakfast,"** said Papyrus crawling away into the hall.

Sans sighed in relief and went back to sleep as Papyrus "found" their breakfast. It wasn't long however, until he was woken up by a loud crash.

 _Uh oh._

 **"PAPPY, WHAT ARE YOU INTO?"**

 **"I DIDN'T DO NOTHIIIIN!"**

Getting out of bed for the SECOND time, the little Font went into the kitchen to find a broken plate of spaghetti on the floor.

Papyrus was covered in it.

 **"uh oh! looks like the illuminati strikes again! heh heh heh…"**

 **"What you talkin' bout'?"**

 **"you got spaghetti on your head again lil' bro!"**

 **"Dis my hair, is not sgetti…"**

 **"it's not spaghetti huh? then what are those little round things on the floor pappy, hm?"**

 **"Those my balls."**

 **"…."**

 **"They dropped."**

 **"….*cough* well uh, that's a shame-"**

 **"Yep, they all dirty now. You can has them."**

 **"i don't want any dirty meatballs!"**

 **"You gots to eat them. They be a gift from da' baby."**

 **"no, they're gross. i don't even know what you put in them!"**

 _Or how you made them._

 **"Nyeh? I don't knows what you's talkin' bout'. You confuse da' baby…"**

 **"i know you're fixing these papyrus, you're not fooling anyone."**

 **"I didn't make dis! I's just a baby!"**

 **"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE AWAKE."**

 **"I's born wit these balls and I growed dis hair yeserday!"**

 **"you're such a freaking liar!"**

 **"EAT MAH BALLS BIG BUTHER OR I'S GONNA CRY!"**

 **"STOP SAYING THAT OR I'M GONNA TELL DAD!"**

"What's going on here?!"Gaster stood in the doorway with his arms crossed, glaring at the two boys down on the floor.

 **"SNAS IS AFTER MAH BALLS DADDY!"** yelled Papyrus pointing at Sans.

 **"NO I'M NOT! HE'S LYING!"**

 **"CALL DA' CPS!"**

 _The what…?_

Gaster averted his eyes, pulling on his collar slightly."Uh Sans, I would like to talk to you alone for awhile. Papyrus stay here please."

 **"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"**

 **"Kay'."** Papyrus picked up a meatball and stuffed it in his mouth, smiling.

It was delicious.


	8. Mischief Maker

**Chapter Eight:**

 **Mischief Maker**

* * *

 **"okay bro how does this thing work?"** asked Sans, still feeling sleepy.

Papyrus picked up one of his yellow blocks. **"See dis cheese Snas? This cheese be square so it don't go in the circle hole, but the other one be a circle-"**

 **"Zzz…"**

 **"SNAS!"**

 **"HAH! uh, um…ye-yeah…?"**

 **"You sweep during da' baby's esplanation! I pay with dis stupid toy so I gets the paise! You's apose' to paise the baby's genius!"**

 **"i already know you're a genius bro…"**

 **"DON'T PATRANIZE DA' BABY! YOU WATCH OR I'S GONNA CRY!"**

 **"i'm watching lil' *yawn* lil' bro…"**

 **"NO! You's lying! I knows it!"**

 **"Zzz…"**

 **"SNAS!"**

 **"Zzz…"**

 **"ERRRRRNNNNNN!"**

Papyrus stormed over to the movie shelf and picked out the movie he had wanted to see the other day and forgotten about...or rather what he wanted SANS to see.

 **"GET DA' FUK UP!"**

The sleeping skeleton jolted awake and grinned sheepishly at his little brother. **"s-sorry..."**

 **"We watching dis. You stays awake or there be consequences."**

 **"that's a big word, congrats pap!"**

Papyrus put the movie in.

 _Damn, he's really mad at me isn't he?_

 **"Dis movie be scary so if you don't gots da' meatballs-"**

 **"pff, hit play,"** said Sans annoyed. He hated it when Papyrus acted like he thought he was scared of stupid things just because he wasn't a Horror.

 _It's just a movie, I'm not gonna cry over a FILM._

A few minutes later...

 **"Ugh, oh god…!"** Sans winced as he watched a human woman lifting weights scream while having her arms slowly broken.

 **"Nyeh heh hee hee hee!"**

The kid comedian cringed and made other kinds of faces he never knew a skeleton could make.

He had promised to spend the day watching movies with Papyrus, but he didn't know those movies had been specially selected and found at the dump by his "sweet" little bro.

 _I thought he only liked books!_

 **"You can check in, but you can't check out!"** The evil freakthat had caused the woman's demise smiled cruelly after crushing a roach hotel containing her…or what was left of her.

He had turned the human into a grotesque roach.

 **"why do you watch this crap?!"**

 **"You don't likes it?"**

 **"NO! it's gross!"**

 **"I thinks he funny…"** said Papyrus grabbing his toes.

 **"this is your idea of comedy**?!" Sans shut his eyes tight as a woman was force-fed innards from a doll that looked just like her.

 **"I's sorry I gots good taste…"**

 **"you shouldn't be watching stuff like this and neither should i!"**

 **"You needs it,"** said Papyrus glaring at the screen.

 **"why?! so i can turn into a twisted deranged freak like you?!"**

 **"No, so you quit sweeping all da' time."**

 **"i'll sleep whenever i want!"**

 **"Not after tonight…"**

The movie continued to play and sing the song that was apparently the movie series' friggen' trademark…

 **"One two, Freddy's coming for you…"**

Papyrus got bored after Sans decided to cover his face with his hands.

 **"uhh, pappy? why are you biting me?"**

Papyrus took his mouth from Sans' arm. **"I losted my gaga yeserday,"** said the baby bones sadly.

 **"your what?"**

 **"My sucky thing! I needs it for my widdle toothies!"** Papyrus pointed to his teeth and went back to nibbling on Sans' arm.

 **"are you talking about your pacifier?"**

 **"Yemph!"**

 **"if i help you find it, will you stop biting me?"**

Papyrus lifted his head again. **"I appose'. You tastes weird anyways."**

 **"oh yeah? what do i taste like pappy?"**

 **"Neglect…sadness…shattered hopes, boken dweams,"** Papyrus clicked his tongue. **"And a small hint of despair."**

 **"….."**

 **"You tastes like the homeless big Buther."**

 **"is that right? c'mere you!"**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE!"**

Sans chased Papyrus into the chemistry place and scooped him up, ticking his tiny belly. **"NYEH HEH HA HA HA HA!"**

 **"you bad baby, why you always so bad hm? why you always so bad?"** He held Papyrus out in front of him smiling and planting kisses on his skull.

 **"SSSS-"** The baby bones hissed and stuck his tongue out.

 **"watcha' doing little bro?"**

 **"I's not widdle bro, I's a baby snake!"**

 _Are we playing pretend now?_

 **"a baby snake huh? oh no!"**

 **"Nyeh heh heh! I's gonna bite yoooous!"**

 **"why do you wanna bite me for? hm? why do you wanna bite me for?"** said Sans tickling his baby brother again.

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HA HA!"**

"PAPYRUS!"

 **"uh oh..i think dad waaants youuu..."**

"PAPYRUS GET IN HERE!"

 **"I don't gots a Daddy, I's a baby snake."**

"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO PICK THESE UP _WITHOUT GLOVES?!"_

 _Why do you even HAVE exploding snakes in the Lab Dad? What's the point of that? What are they FOR?_

 **"SSSS…"**

 **"you released the snakes again didn't you?"** said Sans putting Papyrus down.

 _How did he even manage that?! Dad put a freaking Royal Guard there around the containment unit after last time!_

 **"Join us Snas!"**

 **"it's sans…also no."**

 **"Join the baby snake on the floor!"**

 **"i'm not crawling around on this dirty floor. it's probably covered in more chemicals than an cocaine addict-"**

 **"If you're not with us, you're against us big Buther…"**

 _BOOOM!_

A loud explosion shook the Lab, startling Sans.

 **"i thought you didn't have a big brother?"**

 _"WHERE IS THAT LITTLE DEMON?!"_

 **"SSSS!"** Papyrus slithered around on the floor using his ribs…it was creepy but also rather impressive.

 _BANG!_

 _"WHERE IS HE?!"_ screamed Gaster throwing open the door, that startled Sans too.

 **"SSSS!"**

"There you are you little _SHIT!"_

 **"careful dad, that's a baby snake. heh heh heh…"**

 **"It's too! I's a baby snake and I gots da' poison…"**

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M IN THE MOOD FOR GAMES RIGHT- _AH!_ WHAT THE HELL?!" Gaster grabbed his ankle as Papyrus pulled the syringe he had stabbed him with out of it.

 **"whoa."**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

 _"WHAT DID YOU JUST INJECT ME WITH?!"_

 **"I told-did you I be poison…cause' I's a baby snake!"**

 _TH-THUMP!_

Gaster fell to the floor unconscious.

 **"NYEH HEE HEE! Now DADDY'S a snake!"**

 **"i think he's dead actually,"** said Sans kicking his father lightly.

 **"Join us big Buther!"**

Sans shook his head. **"i just told you bro-"**

 **"Join us or you're against us!"**

Sans lay down on the floor.

 **"SSSS!"**

 **"hey bro you know what we should do instead on rolling around in filth? let's draw on dad!"**

 **"YAAAY! I GET'S TO USE DA' MARKERS!"**

Sans got up and collected the markers Gaster had hidden away from Papyrus, handing them to his baby brother. **"okay bro, draw something pretty!"**

Papyrus drew a penis.

 **"..."**

 **"Is sgetti and meatballs!"** lied Papyrus, throwing his hands up in the air.

 **"is that what that is?"** Sans looked at his baby brother skeptically. He didn't believe him for a second.

 **"Yep! I likes da' sgetti!"**

 **"spaghetti's a little thick ain't it?"**

 **"I's just a baby Snas, I can't bweak da' noodles..."**

 _He is gonna grow up to be a total asshat isn't he?_

 **"We takes pictures?"**

 _Yep._

 **"how about i just take YOUR picture pappy? so we don't get in trouble?"** Sans reached into his pockets. **"hold on lemme get out my phone..."**

Papyrus smiled and stuck his tongue out.

 **"okay br-pap? where'd you go bro?"**

Papyrus had wandered off to a corner of the room and was staring at the Lab wall.

 **"over here pappy!"**

Papyrus looked around seemingly confused.

 **"papyyyrus! hee hee hee!"**

 _He's so cute..._

Spotting Sans, Papyrus waved and turned back around to stare at the wall.

 **"paaaaappy! look over here pappy!"**

 **"…."**

 **"seriously papyrus?"**

 **"Nyeh?"** The baby bones turned around. **"What you want?"**

 **"i wanna take your picture bro! you won't stay a baby forever you know."**

 **"Yes I will…I's gonna be widdle forever!"**

 **"heh heh, I don't think so pappy. you're already getting big!"**

Papyrus frowned at the wall. **"You's fat…"**

 **"i meant tall bro-"**

 **"You looks like an egg!"**

 **"pappy listen-"**

 **"A BIG STUPID EGG WITH A STINK** _ **FACE!"**_

 **"imma tell dad if you don't be nice."**

 **"You's not nice to da' baby!"**

Sans rolled his eyes. **"i meant you were getting** _ **taller,**_ **not fatter."**

 **"Oh."** Papyrus turned to smile at the wall again.

 **"*sigh*"**

 _Guess I'm taking another pic of him smiling at the wall…_

 _CLICK!_

 **"alright-"**

 **"You's getting fatter big Buther."**

 **"…"**

"Uhh...oh.." Gaster groaned as he began to sit up. Whatever was in that syringe had luckily only put him to sleep for awhile...a couple minutes actually. He sighed realizing that he had been injected with the Babylizer, a small tranquilizer he specifically made to put Papyrus to sleep without killing him through overdose. It was a failure and he had thrown it in the trash where he guessed Papyrus had found it.

 _Damn little raccoon gets into everything..._

 **"psst! bro! over here!"** Sans waved his brother over and the baby followed, they snuck out the door and ran away from the Lab as quickly as they could.

They could hear Gaster screaming Papyrus's name all the way in Snowdin.

 **"ho-hold on pap. *huff*"** Sans stopped to catch his breath, but Papyrus kept going, waddling through the snow on his legs. He preferred crawling, but the snow was too deep for that, so he headed off to an area that had less snow...which was in the woods.

 **"BRO! PAPYRUS WHERE ARE YOU?!"** Stumbling through the woods, Sans searched for the tiny baby bones. He was only two years old, but he already had a lot of enemies...people who would try and hurt his baby brother.

 **"PAPPYYYY!"** Yelling his brother's name at the top of his lungs, Sans stopped and sat on a stump to rest.

 **"YAHN!"** Without warning something fell from the trees with a loud cry and landed on Sans face, hugging it.

Something that felt a lot like a baby skeleton.

 **"bro what the hell?! i was worried about y-what is that?"**

 **"Is clearly a stick big Buther** ," said Papyrus looking at nothing. **"A marshmallow stick."**

Sans pulled Papyrus off his face and held him out in front of him. **"did you set someone's house on fire?!"**

 **"No."**

 **"liar! where is it?!"**

 **"There's no house I swears!"**

Sans looked up into the sky but the falling snow either obscured his vision, or Papyrus was telling the truth, because he couldn't see a wisp of smoke.

 **"how are you gonna roast marshmallows without a fi-DON'T YOU START ANY FIRES PAPYRUS!"**

 **"I's already gots a fire…"**

 **"then where is it?"**

 **"Gillby's."**

Sans put papyrus down. **"don't-don't use grillby to cook marshmallows pappy…"** he said, pinching the space between his eyes.

 **"You can't stops me…"** replied Papyrus still smiling and holding his stick.

 **"i'll tell dad!"**

 **"baby don't cares, go ahead and be a snitch bitch, I'll have ates a marshmallow before he gets here-"**

 **"i'm telling him your cursing too!"**

Papyrus began to walk away. **"Bye-bye big Buther! I was GONNA ivite you to join da' baby, but you clearly doesn't want any…"**

 **"i want marshmallows…"** said Sans in a small voice.

Papyrus handed Sans the stick. **"Dis your stick, I already gots mine."**

 **"thank you…but i don't wanna get in trouble…"**

 **"You won't, I make him quiet forever!"**

 **"what…?"**

 **"I says he can't talk no mores and now he doesn't! He not gonna say anything…"**

 **"…..are you sure?"**

 _What's he talking about?_

Papyrus closed his eyes smiling and tilted his head, rocking on his heels.

 **"Would I lie to you?"**


	9. Family Tension

**Chapter Nine:**

 **Family Tension**

* * *

 **"Here, have some Papyrus juice! It has sgetti in it!"**

Sans walked into the kitchen and spotted his baby brother holding a pitcher full of…something. Apparently he was trying to get Gaster to drink whatever was in it.

 _C'mon Pap, Dad's smarter than that._

"It's like if coffee and nightmares had a baby."

 **"what the juice?"**

"No."

 **"DWINK MAH JUICE!"**

"I'm not drinking that."

 **"YOU DWINK IT!"**

"I meant what I said and no amount of yelling-"

 **"I MADE DIS FOR YOUUUUUU!"**

"It wouldn't matter to me if you had made it for Jesus H. Christ, it's going nowhere near my mouth-"

 **"IS GONNA EAT THROUGH DA' CONTAINER!"** yelled Papyrus, shaking the pitcher up and down.

 **"huh? what is? what's in there pappy?"**

 **"Battery acid!"** said Papyrus smiling. **"I puts da' battery acid in there, cause' batteries taste good."**

"I…can't tell if you're being an ass or not…"

 **"batteries do taste pretty good dad."**

"Don't eat my batteries Sans, I need them. We have plenty of bleach though…"

 _I don't eat them, I just suck on them…_

 **"NO! Dat's MY beach!"**

"It's not."

 **"DAT'S MAH BEACH!"**

 **"what else is in there pappy?"**

 **"Wed Bull."**

 **"hmm…"** Sans eyed the pitcher thoughtfully.

 _If it's not JUST battery acid, it should be safe right? He said there's an energy drink in there…"_

Sans took the container.

"Re-really Sans?"

Sans drank some of the Papyrus juice.

"…."

 **"ugh, this is spicy as hell…"**

"You just drank sulfuric acid and Red Bull."

Sans spit several times onto the floor, as Gaster frowned at him; trying to get the awful taste out of his mouth. **"well i'm not drinking it again! eww, it's got a sour aftertaste…*patoo!*"**

"That would be the acid."

 **"I try harder next time."**

"I'd rather you didn't."

 **"do you want some dad?"** Sans held the juice out to Gaster.

"No."

 **"why not? do you not like spicy things? or is it because it turns sour?"**

"It's because my I.Q. doesn't resemble the temperature of the Arctic, Sans."

 **"….what?"**

"Go to your room."

 **"what'd i do?!"**

 **"You be nice to my big Buther or I pour dis on your big stink _head!"_**

Gaster sighed loudly and rubbed his face with both hands in irritation. "I don't have time for your two's nonsense, I have paperwork to fill out. Sans take your brother's picture so we can add it to the monthly report."

 **"fine..."** Sans followed Gaster to the office with Papyrus crawling close behind.

"You don't have to follow me Sans, your cellphone will do fine."

Sans struggled to keep from crying as Gaster sat down at his desk and began his paperwork, not bothering to even look at his son.

 **"NYEH!"** Papyrus stuck his tongue out happily as Sans sadly took a picture of him.

 **"c'mon bro, can't you look at the camera for once? why do you always look away or close your eyes?"**

 _I'm not taking another one, Dad can do it himself._

"That's a good question. Why DO you refuse to look into cameras? I've noticed you do the same thing on the security feed…even when you decide to do your little escape acts you never look to see if the camera's on you," said Gaster as he began the second page of his paperwork.

 **"Yes I does!"**

"No, you do not. You always either look away or you close your eyes."

 **"Baby snakes don't gots eyelids."**

Gaster stopped writing.

 **"don't worry dad, he's just messing with you. bro be serious, we're just curious is all."**

 **"Cameras steal souls, I knows it!"**

 **"*pfft!* what?"**

 **"Ery time you takes a picture and look into da' lens, a whole years get taken off yo' life!"**

 **"that's such crap…"**

"That's only a myth Papyrus. An old wives tale that I'm surprised you believe…assuming you're telling the truth of course."

 **"what? he didn't make that up? people really believed that?"**

"Back in the day when cameras were first invented, yes. A bunch of fools who clung to tradition and religion and feared technology made it up to scare other fools who didn't have the courage to think for themselves."

 **"Baby ain't taking no chances. Imma stay small forever!"**

"Superstition is unhealthy Papyrus, it leads to paranoia and phobias-"

 **"You don't know!"**

"We both know that I DO."

 **"what?"**

"Never mind Sans, go play in your room with your brother-"

 **"NO! I pay here!"**

"This isn't a place to play Papyrus, something you ALSO are well aware of-"

 **"Stop that."**

"Stop what? Heh heh heh heh…"

Sans looked at them in confusion, he felt like he was missing something, but he didn't know what.

 **"*sigh*"**

This happened a lot lately.

Gaster and Papyrus would talk and there'd always be a hint of secrecy lodged somewhere in the conversation. It was as if Papyrus were being teased or blackmailed into behaving…something else that had been happening a lot lately.

 _IS he being blackmailed?_

 _Why did he make a nonlethal drink for him?_

 _That's not like Pappy..._

Papyrus glared at Gaster's back, his eyes burning an angry orange.

 **"hey, pap."**

 **"…..?"**

 **"you know i'll never hate you right? no matter what you do or say i'll always love my baby brother."**

"He doesn't deserve your love Sans. Isn't that right Papyrus?"

There it was again.

 **"why would you _say_ something like that? this is your son and he's a baby!"**

 **"….Dat's right! I's not like you Daddy, we does things differently. I's growing and wearning new stuffs-"**

"Memories shape who you are. It doesn't matter what you do now, you're still-"

 **"New ones do too! Baby can change like diapers!"**

"…"

 **"That's why you have no excuse."**

 _SLAM!_

Gaster slammed his hand on the table and scowled at Papyrus, his eyes burning purple. "I DON'T _NEED_ AN EXCUSE! I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING, WHILE _YOU'RE_ SITTING ON YOUR ASS PLAYING WITH BLOCKS!"

 **"…I don't gots no blocks,"** said Papyrus with a smile.

Gaster stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him and leaving his unfinished paperwork on the desk. Sans didn't know what had just happened, but it felt like Papyrus had just won a secret battle, a fight that he and Gaster had been having for a long time.

Papyrus smiled at Sans, looking into his eyes for the first time since birth. **"Thank you Sans, I'll always love you too-"**

 **"*GASP!* you called me sans! oh my god you called me SANS!"**

 **"No I didn't!"**

 **"heh heh ha ha ha!"** Sans gathered his baby brother up in a hug, laughing and feeling happier than he had in a long time.


	10. Bad Day

**Chapter Ten:**

 **Bad Day**

* * *

 **"** **Wait for da' baby! I's widdle!"**

 _Just keep walking…just keep walking…_

 **"** **Hey Snas? Why there be a giant dog lookin' at us?"**

 **"** **there is no giant dog."**

 _There's no giant dog…there's no giant dog…it's just a weird looking tree. That's all it is, a weird looking tree._

 **"** **But I SEES it big Buther! Dat dog be bigger then yo' head!"**

 **"** **eat me."**

 _Ignore the dog and it will go away..just gotta keep walking and not draw attention to ourselves._

 **"** **MR. DOGGY! SNAS SAY HE WANNA BE ATE-"**

 ** _"_** ** _shut the fuck up!"_** whispered Sans harshly, eyeing the seemingly giant creature.

 **"** **I wish to wide da' doggy big Buther…"**

 **"** **what? hell no! that dog will eat your ass!"**

Papyrus shook his head. **"No it won't, it too dumb to know what a skelly baby is. It don't know I doesn't doody in my diapey…"**

 **"** **i don't think it'll care too much pap."**

 **"** **It will too! No one likes doody big Buther. Right now dat doggy probly thinkin 'I could eats dis baby, but it might have doody's in it's diapey and it gonna taste weal bad if it do.'"**

 **"** **they use their tongue as toilet paper."**

 **"…** **..Daz nasty."**

 **"** **yep."**

Sans continued to keep an eye on the dog, but it seemed to have lost interest in the small children, much to his relief.

 _Why have we never seen that thing before?! How did we miss it?!_

 **"** **If I's a different baby, I'd use da' baby wipes-"**

Sans stared at his baby brother in confusion for a few moments before he burst out laughing. **"*pfft!* ha ha ha ha! no pappy, they use their tongue as their OWN toilet paper!"**

 _Oh my god!_

 **"** **They don't lick baby butt?"**

 **"** **no pap, they don't lick baby butt."**

 **"…** **dat's a shame."**

 **"** **what…?"**

 **"** **I says is the same. They still lick butt."**

 **"** ***sigh*"**

 _That's not what he said…_

 _WOOF!_

 _WOOF!_

Sans jumped at the sound of a dog barking somewhere nearby, terrified that it was the giant dog. He turned and sighed in relief as he saw it was only a normal sized Pomeranian.

Baby Papyrus however, wasn't so pleased.

 **"GET AWAY FROM DA' BABY, DOODY DOG!"** The baby bones ran as fast as his little legs could carry him, only to have the dog give chase. **"NOOOOOO!"**

Sans watched them with great interest as they zoomed around the trees. That particular dog was one he could identify on sight, even though the whole Underground was filled with the same breed. He was the smallest of all the Pomeranians and people had taken to calling him The Annoying Dog for his lack of respect for people and their things, Sans and Papyrus however, simply called him A.D.

The pooch seemed to target Papyrus specifically for reasons unknown and truth be told it was a little unnerving how he always seemed able to bypass the Lab's security and mess with his little brother. It was as if he held some kind of secret intelligence similar to Papyrus and like Papyrus he was difficult to understand; he had many strange and secret skills like his baby brother too.

If Papyrus ever had an arch enemy, it would be A.D.

 _It's kinda sad actually. Pap's just a baby after all; why does this dog have to pick on him for no reason?_

 _I can't do anything with only one HP and AT either._

 _BLOOSH!_

 _BLOOSH!_

Papyrus fired his blasters at the small dog, only to have A.D. dodge them with all the skill of a ninja.

 **"YOU WANTS BONES?! BABY GONNA** ** _GIVE_** **YOU SOME BONES!"**

Sans gasped as his baby brother summoned a plethora of bone attacks each with the intention of skewering the playful pup. **"PAPYRUS NO!"**

 ** _"NYEHA HA HA HA HA HA HA! WHEN YOU GETS TO HELL, TELLS EM' DA' BABY SENT YOU!"_**

 ** _"PAPYRUS!"_**

 **"Oomph!"**

 _THOOM!_

Papyrus felt the wind get knocked out of him as A.D. pounced and kicked off of his chest, doing a flip and knocking the baby bones backwards into a tree as if he were in an action film fighting a thug.

 ** _"PAPPY!"_**

The snow on the branches and leaves piled onto the poor baby's head as the tree shook and the dog ran off.

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHHHHH!"_**

 _Oh my god!_

Sans rushed to his baby brother's aid only to stop and laugh as more snow fell onto his head.

 ** _"I'S GONNA KILLS YOU! I'S GONNA SHAVE YO' FUR IN YO' SWEEP AND YOU'S GONNA FEEZ TO DEATH!"_**

 **"ha ha ha ha ha ha!"**

 **"I'S GONNA COOK YOU IN MY SGETTI AND FEEDS YOU TO YO'** ** _FAMILY!"_**

 ** _"HA HA HA HA HA! OH MY GOD PAP, STOP!"_**

 ** _"YOU'S GONNA RUE DA' DAY YOU CWOSSED DA' BABY! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'S GONNA RUE IT!"_**

Papyrus's screaming came to a halt as his loud voice reverberated off the mountain walls and caused more snow from the tree to fall on him.

It took a full minute for Sans to calm down enough to even speak. **"** **heh. gee paps i can't believe you just got-"**

 **"** **If you finish dat sentence you's gonna get lots of monies from da' tooth fairy tonight, big Buther…"** said Papyrus menacingly.

 **"** **sounds good! maybe i could buy you an umbrella!"** Sans laughed again as the baby bones got up and brushed the snow off his skull.

 **"** **Maybe you should makes a deal wit her and ask her to makes you funny instead."**

Sans kept his smile, despite the glare his baby brother was giving him. **"naaah, i think i'll give it to you so you can buy a sense of humor."**

 **"** **Why? So you's can kill it wit another joke? Why you hate joy big Buther?"**

 **"** **psh, whatever,"** said Sans waving him off and turning away. **"i KNOW i'm funny…"**

 **"** **Like cancer."**

 **"** **the hell is cancer?"**

 **"** **Is what you gives me ery time you makes a joke."**

The kid comedian frowned. **"i don't get it. what does that even mean?"**

 **"** **It mean just cause' you's stupid, don't mean you's funny Snas."**

 **"** **hey pal, i'm not the one who got knocked into a tree-"**

 **"** **You's gonna be…"** said Baby Papyrus walking towards Sans.

 **"Psh, ain't nobody scared of you!"**

 **"Dat's a mistake."**

 **"please, i'm gonna go get something to eat at grillby's-"**

 **"You do that."**

Sans headed off and out of the woods, he already knew his brother would be fine on his own; Papyrus had been sneaking out of the Lab for awhile now.

He did get a bit worried when he didn't see Papyrus outside of Grillby's however.

 _He always waits by Grillby's until I come out. He doesn't like it when I'm out here all alone._

 _Where is-_

The skeleton's train of thought came to a halt as he spied his little brother walking down the path...or hopping to be more exact.

 **"…** **.the hell are you doing pap?"** Sans watched in curiosity as his baby brother waddle over to him looking like a Present tree ornament.

 **"** **I gots to protect myselves from the doody dogs!"** said Papyrus hopping closer to Sans.

 **"** **the wha-oh, oh gotcha'. you don't want dogs licking you because they use their tongues as toilet paper."**

 **"** **I gots to protect mah new baby smell."**

 **"** **new baby smell? what are you talking about?"**

 **"** **All babies gots da' new baby smell, erybody knows dat! It make us cuter so we don't become dumpster babies…"**

Sans curiously walked over and inhaled his brother's scent. **"*sniff* *sniff*"**

 **"** **Nooooo! What wrong wit you?!"** asked the baby incredulously, pushing his brother's face away with both hands.

Who sniffs a baby head?!

Sans ignored his cries and continued smelling. **"oh damn, you're right! you smell so good baby bro! *sniff* *sniff*"**

 **"** **DON'T SNIFFS DA' BABY!"** yelled Papyrus waddling away, unfortunately he couldn't go very fast in his baby armor and he only wound up falling face down in the snow. **"Nyehhhhhhhh!"**

Sans picked him up and continued sniffing. **"*sniff* *sniff*"**

 **"** **Uhh..what are you doing?"**

He stopped and lifted his head to see Undyne staring at him with a strange expression while Papyrus continued to wail and wiggle in his grasp. **"i'm smelling papyrus! he smells really good! here, check it out!"** he said, holding up the distraught baby bones.

 **"** **NO! DIS** ** _NASTY!_** **LET GO OF DA' BABY OR I'S GONNA SUE FOR DA' HARASSMENT!"**

Sans ignored him completely and continued to hold his baby brother out like a bouquet of flowers causing the tiny skeleton to squirm even harder in retaliation.

Why did he have to have such a creepy older brother anyway? Just once the baby would like it if he could go one day without Sans grinning at him like the Joker or petting him while he napped in his crib like Pedobear…

 ***Sniff* *Sniff* HOLY CRAP YOU'RE RIGHT!"** Undyne's mouth dropped open in amazement. **"Why does he smell so good?!"**

 **"** **SOMEBODY SAVE DA' BABY! THERE BE** ** _CWEEPS_** **OVER HERE!"**

 **"** **he says it's his 'new baby smell' *sniff* and that all babies have it."**

 ** _"_** ** _STOP CWEEPIN' ON DA' BABY!"_**

 **"** **Really? ALL babies?! Why? *sniff* *sniff*"**

 **"** **he says it's so they don't become dumpster babies, but this is paps sooo…"**

 **"** **Got it, *sniff* he lies."**

 ** _"_** ** _I'S TELLING DADDY ON YOOOOOU!"_** screamed Baby Papyrus kicking his little legs. This was the worst. Now Sans was gonna sniff him in his sleep and during hugs and when he wasn't looking…

Papyrus JUST got done getting Sans to stop trying to bathe with him too! Now all that progress was gone and his big brother was one step closer to jail…

 **"** **Hey let's show everyone in the Underground how good he smells!"**

 **"** **everyone?"**

 **"** **Yeah everyone! This is AMAZING! WE HAVE TO SHARE THIS WITH THE** ** _WORLD!"_**

 ** _"_** ** _NOOOOOOOOO!"_**

 **"** **i dunno, i kinda wanna keep him to myself. what if his new baby smell disappears because too many monsters get their smell on him?"**

Papyrus looked over his shoulder at Sans hopefully. Maybe his big brother's creepiness would come in handy for once…

 **"** **Fine, he's your brother-"**

 **"** **thanks-"**

 **"** **You can be a selfish prick and keep him all to yourself if you want."**

 **"…** **..thanks."**

 _Bitch._

Undyne walked away and Papyrus smiled happily. Today was finally starting to look up-

 ** _"_** ** _*SNIIIIIIIFFFFF!*"_**

 ** _"…"_**


	11. Chapter Eleven: Smart Bae, Smarter Mouth

**Chapter Eleven:**

 **Smart Bae, Smarter Mouth**

* * *

 **"do you want a moment or TWO more to think?"**

 **"I gots dis, baby don't need no help!"**

 **"alrighty then, take your time-"**

 **"Is two."**

 **"nuh-oh wait,"** Sans' eyes widened in surprise. **"wow you actually got it! how'd you do that lil' bro?"**

 **"Da' ones look like pictures."**

 **"and just like that you've lost me."**

 **"Ones look like da' hanging pole, where the bad monsters get dead."**

 **"…."**

 **"Two hanging poles mean two dead monsters!"** said the baby proudly. **"I's a genius baby, gimme dat paise!"**

 **"you're..something all right."**

Holy shit they DO look like the gallows…

 **"Nyeh hee hee hee hee! I's smarter than Daddy!"**

 **"iiii don't know about that pappy, dad's a scientist-"**

 **"NO!** ** _I'S_** **smarter! Dat dumb douchbag got** ** _NOTHIN'_** **on da' baby!"**

 **"*pfft!* ha ha ha ha! that's not very nice bro!"**

"No, no it isn't," said Gaster flipping through his papers with a frown. "Also I appear to be missing a few pages here, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?" He already knew the answer.

 **"I eated them."**

"Ooof course you did."

 **"I eated them cause' you sucks."**

 **"ha ha ha ha ha ha! that's not something a smart baby would say pap!"** exclaimed Sans' laughing. **"you're gonna get a time out baby bro!"**

"Yes, yes he is."

 **"No I's not. I knows how to shut off da' glowey box so I doesn't have to stay in there no mores, sucks for you Daddy!"**

"You figured out how to turn off the stasis chamber?!"

That wasn't good. Gaster had been counting on that to grant him an hour or two of peace when he really needed it! NOW how was he going to get Papyrus to behave?!

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"** Papyrus rocked back and forth on the floor, holding his toes with a triumphant smile.

"You think you're sooo clever don't you? Watching someone press a button on a machine and then copying them isn't much of an achievement, though for someone with YOUR intellect, it's probably news worthy isn't it?"

 **"dad he's two…"**

 **"Baby's smarter then you's EVER gonna be-"**

"Is that a fact?" Gaster swirled around in his chair.

 **"Yep, baby got dat knowledge cause' of da' books you doesn't know how to weed."**

"I KNOW how to read young man!"

 **"Then weed my whips-"**

"You don't HAVE lips-"

 **"I's better at erything cause' I's a Verbal baby and you's Physical."**

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN A THING!"

 **"dad, chill!"** Sans looked away nervously, wondering if he should take Papyrus and leave. Gaster didn't like when people brought up his type and he tended to lose his temper VERY quickly when that happened.

 **"I's the thinker and you's da' laborer. All you's good for is fixin' mah bottle-"**

"I'm FIXING to smack you in the mouth!"

 **"See dat big Buther? Physcial's be mean and vi-o-lent, they not smart enough to use their mouth words so they gots to use their fists…even on poor tiny babies such as myselves! Can you beweaves it?!** ** _He threaten da' baby on camera!"_**

 **"c'mon bro, stop…"**

"So?! Go ahead and show it to Asgore! I will give him a _TUTORIAL_ on how I beat your ass!"

 ** _"Baby beat YO' ass!"_**

 _BLOOSH!_

 ** _"DAD!"_**

Gaster fired a blaster at Papyrus's feet and the baby bones ran off down the hallway as fast as his little feet could carry him.

 ** _"NYEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! DADDY TRY TO BLOW DA' BABY!"_** screamed Papyrus loudly enough for the entire lab to hear. A few assistant scientists turned to their boss from down the hall, looking at Gaster suspiciously.

"OH GET BACK TO WORK! YOU ALL KNOW IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"

 **"YES IT IS! HE TRY TO BLOW DA' BABY!"**

 **"STOP SAYING THAT!"**

 **"CALL DA' CPS!"**

Gaster clawed at his skull as Sans decided to crawl into a nearby cabinet. Being the Comedic Font, he couldn't help but laugh at every joke or really ANYTHING he found funny and it actually put him in in a lot of dangerous situations…like this one for example.

 _I wanna stay for the fight, but I don't wanna die either…_

He didn't like his father, but he LOOOVED it when Gaster got REALLY mad. Not because he wanted him to suffer, (he wasn't Papyrus) but because whenever the royal scientist lost his composer he also lost the intellectual mask he wore and went full hood rat. The angrier Gaster became, the more his accent changed; going from sophisticated scientist to a stereotypical black parent, ready to "smack the calcium out his bones."

 _Maybe Dad grew up in the projects or something...?_

Papyrus was the same way and seeing them fight made Sans' ENTIRE day. Some of the fights even LASTED for an entire day, making Sans laugh so hard he couldn't even _breath._

"*Sigh*" Gaster rubbed his temples in irritation, trying to calm himself down. "WHY is he such an asshole? Where did I go wrong? What did I even DO?"

 _RING!_ _  
_ _RING!_ _  
_ _RING!_

"Hello?"

 **"Hi, is da' baby-"**

CLICK!

Gaster hung up.

 _RING!_

 _RING!_

 _RIN-_

Gaster turned his phone off.

 _BECUN!_

 **"ATTENTION ERYONE-"**

 _"GET OFF THE INTERCOM PAPYRUS!"_

 **"DIS BE DA' BABY…"**

 _I swear to god…_

 **"I JUST WANTED TO SAY DAT DADDY IS BAD AND HE NOT GONNA BE WORKING HERE FOR MUCH WONGER, SO YOU GOTS TO GO GETS A NEW JOB-"**

 _"PAPYRUS!"_

 **"IN FACT, I ASPECT HE GONNA EITHER BE IN JAIL OR PUSHING A SHOPPING CART IN ABOUT TWEE WEEKS…YOU HEARS ME DADDY?! I'S GONNA HAVE YO' JOB CAUSE' YOU'S A BAG OF** ** _DICKS!"_**

 **"hee hee hee hee!"**

 _"SHUT UP SANS, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"_

 **"ALSO I HATES YOU AND I'S GONNA TELL DA' KING YOU TRY TO BLOW THE BABY!"**

 _"I WILL POISON YOUR BOTTLE PAPYRUS!"_

 ** _"I'S GONNA CALL DA' CPS AND THEY GONNA REST YOOOOUUU!"_**

Gaster left the room.

 ** _"NYEH? NO! NOOOOO, NOT DA' SWEEPY WATER! I BE A GOOD BABY, I SWEARS!"_**

A loud struggle could be heard over the intercom.

 ** _"SNAS, SAVE DA' BABY!"_**

 **"*sigh*"**

Sans teleported out of the cabinet to go and fetch Papyrus.

 _Looks like we're gonna have to spend another night with Undyne…_

 _"C'MERE YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER!"_

 ** _"NYEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!"_**

Sans teleported into the intercom room to see Papyrus running for his life with Gaster in hot pursuit.

 **"eeasy dad..."**

 _"GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE SANS! I'LL BUST YOUR ASS TOO!"_

 ** _"NOOOO! SAVE DA' BABY!"_**

Sans quickly ran up and grabbed his brother, ducking under Gaster's arm and teleporting to Waterfall just before his father summoned his wingdings.

 **"way to go bro, now we have to stay the night at undyne's place."**

 **"So? Undyne funny..."** said Papyrus in a small voice.

 **"she's loud and she's _violent."_**

 **"You knows da' baby gonna protect you! Why you whine?"**

 **"*sigh*"**

 _KNOCK-KNOCK!_

Sans rapped upon Undyne's door, hoping that her mother was once again at a meeting somewhere. She was a workaholic like Gaster and a single parent who worked two jobs so the chances that she'd be home were slim, but when she was she wouldn't allow Undyne to have friends over because her daughter usually ended up beating the crap out of everyone she thought was an 'evildoer.'

 _KNOCK-KNOCK!_

 **"Who's there?"**

Sans grinned. **"Dishes."**

 **"*Sigh* Hiiii Saaans."**

 _Gee Undyne don't get TOO excited to see me, you might have a heart attack...assuming you even HAVE one and there's not just a black hole in your chest..._

 **"Hi Loud Lady!"**

 **"Papyrus?!"** Undyne opened the door immediately. She was always happy to see Papyrus. He was not only the coolest baby she'd ever seen, but he was also the strongest, he didn't mind when she put him in headlocks and he was usually the one to put her on HER ass...something that didn't happen often. She played "Hero and Villain" with Papyrus all the time and he always let her be the hero without any arguments whatsoever unlike those stupid wimps at her mom's daycare.

 **"We's gonna stay the night at yo' house cause' Daddy is a douche,"** said Papyrus, sticking his thumb in his mouth and staring at the wall behind her.

 **"you started it bro."**

 **"Das not what I wecall. I wecall Daddy being a whiney hiney cause' he doesn't wants to hear da' tooth..."**

 **"Got into another fight with your dad huh?"**

 **"He try to blow da' baby on camera! Can you beweaves it?!"**

Undyne motioned for them to come inside. This happened a lot and as a hero it was her job to protect the weak and helpless.

Sans wandered off down the hallway towards her mother's room, hoping to find the book he had been reading last time he was here, still in it's hiding place. Apparently Undyne was into horror stories and the paranormal, her books were all about that stuff and Sans liked the ones about aliens best. He was actually pretty surprised to know that she even read at all, but Undyne had told him that they weren't nerd books. These books were for "future heroes who wanted to study up on their enemies and train themselves to be fearless in any situation no matter who or what they faced."

 _She and bro are both nuts._

Finding the book underneath the bed, he began to read and didn't stop until the book was finished. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he DID notice that it was strangely quiet in the house.

 _Uh oh, that's not good. Those two are ALWAYS loud and obnoxious..._

 **"UGH! DAMN IT!"**

Sans dropped the book and raced out of the room upon hearing Undyne cry out. **"BRO? WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?"**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

 _Oh god._

The kid comedian reached the living room and stopped in confusion, noticing that nothing in the house was in disarray or on fire. What exactly were they doing?

 **"Next question herwoe! See if you can get dis one right-"**

 **"I WILL GET IT RIGHT! THE UNSTOPPABLE UNDYNE _NEVER_ GIVES UP!"**

 _Oh they're playing a..non-violent game..._

 _...What?_

 **"what are you two doing?"**

 **"I'm training my mind so my magic will get stronger! I read that mages and crap have to study so their magic will get good and stuff!"**

 **"If she get it wrong, baby tag her in da' face."**

 **"mages have to study magic _itself,_ not just-" **

**"What can you puts in a bucket to makes it lighter?"** asked Papyrus interrupting Sans. His brother frowned at him while Undyne began to think. Riddles were _hard,_ but if she was gonna beat Papyrus one day, she needed to WORK hard...

 **"c'mon baby bro, play fair."**

 **"I IS paying fair!"**

 **"no you're not, that's a bullshit question and you KNOW it."**

 **"ACK!"** the baby made a "go away" motion with his hand.

 **"Hmmm..."**

 **"there's TWO answers to the question undyne, pap's is playing ya'."**

 **"Nuh uh! Big Buther be lying through his teeth!"**

 **"i'm not-"**

 **"Look at those teeth!"**

 **"What are the two answers?"** asked Undyne smiling smugly. It wasn't cheating if the question was bullshit and she didn't know which answer Papyrus would choose as the correct one.

 _Ha ha ha! Outsmarted you, stupid baby!_

She felt smarter already.

 **"it's either fire or a hole. if you say 'fire', he'll say you're wrong and that the answer was a hole, and if you say 'a hole' he'll say you're wrong and that the answer was fire. it's a bullshit riddle."**

 **"Beweaves whatever you wants big Buther..."** said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

 **"Well if both the answers are right, then I'LL be right no matter what. He can't change the answer or he'll be disqualified. HA!"**

Papyrus's smile didn't fade much to Sans' unease.

 _What's he up to?_

 **"The answer is fire!"** cried Undyne triumphantly.

 **"WRONG."**

 _SMACK!_

Baby Papyrus smacked Undyne's face, laughing playfully. **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

 **"OW! WHAT THE-"**

 **"Fire be a type of plasma and plasma not weightless."**

 **"WHAT THE HELL IS PLASMA?!"**

 **"how the hell do you KNOW about plasma?!"** asked Sans, completely stunned.

 **"Cause' I's smarter then you."**

 **"YOU'RE NOT SMARTER THAN ME!"** screamed Undyne loudly.

 **"eaasy lil' bro,"** said Sans nervously. **"we don't wanna get thrown out do we?"**

 **"Whatever! I'm not gonna throw someone out just cause' I lose a game, I'M A BIG GIRL! I'M** ** _GROWN!"_**

 **"alright chill! i was just lookin' out for ya'. pap doesn't do too well with people."**

 **"Yeah I noticed,'** said Undyne pointing to her eye patch. **"Not that I care, I'm gonna beat him someday! I'm gonna beat him and then I'LL be the strongest hero in the Underground!"** She put her hands on her hips, striking a proud heroic pose.

 **"You's spose' to dweam while you's sweeping, not when you's awake…"**

 **"Screw you Papyrus! It'll happen, just wait and see! Your big brother's gonna end up crying over your** ** _DUST!"_**

 **"Big Buther cry over erything."**

 **"no i don't!"**

 **"He cry more than da' baby!"**

 **"shut up papyrus!"**

Papyrus glared at the wall. **"You shu up,"** he said, sticking his thumb in his mouth.

 **"*sigh*"**

 **"No tears? Why you no cry? You's makin' da' baby look like a liar!"**

 **"you are a liar, ge-get off of me!"**

 **"I wish to taste the ocean big Buther…"**

 **"i asked you not to lick my face,"** said Sans pushing his brother away.

 _Friggen' freak!_

 **"And I asks you not to sniff da' baby, but you does it anyway while I's sweeping."**

 **"What?"**

 **"he's lying again, just ignore him."**

 **"You suck up da' baby's cute!"**

 **"That's weird Sans."**

 **"HE DOESN'T SLEEP!"**

 **"Cause' I gots to guard my new baby smell! Snas sniff me like the cocaine…"**

 **"whatever!"**

 _Lying little shit…_

 **"He sniff me like his food!"**

 **"SHUT** ** _UP_** **PAPYRUS!"**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

 _I HATE him when he's around Undyne, he turns into such an dick!_

 **"you sure do love showing your ass in front of undyne, don't ya' lil' bro? you know girls don't date show-offs right? she might like you now, but one day she's gonna get smarter and leave you."**

 **"I DON'T LIKE HIM!"**

 ** _"DON'T WEAVES DA' BABY!"_**

 **"she's gonna leave ya' for mr. gerson, heh heh heh…"**

 **"SHUT UP SANS!"**

 **"if i pomise not to hit you no mores, will you stay? i'll be a better baby dis time i swears!"**

 **"I'm not leaving you Papyrus, your brother's just being stupid."**

 **"Kay'."**

 **"right, I'M the stupid one-"**

 **"We's gonna get married?"**

 **"WHAT?! NO!"**

 **"are you asking me or her?"**

 **"You don't wike da' baby?"**

 **"NOT** ** _THAT_** **WAY!"**

 **"Oh."**

 **"…."**

 **"…."**

 **"….What if I shows my ass?"**

 ** _"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"_**

 _SLAM!_

The brothers found themselves on Undyne's front porch, the door having been slammed in their faces.

 **"seriously pap, you gotta-pap? papyrus?!"**

The baby bones was already running off.

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

 **"PAPYRUS WAIT!"**

Sans ran after his baby brother, but the little skeleton was so _fast..._

 _Thank god it's morning now, otherwise I'd NEVER find him._

Not that it still wasn't difficult.

It took a full hour to find Papyrus and by that time Sans was ready to throttle him, his anger dissipated however, when he saw the baby bones building a snowman with a couple of rabbits. One was a boy, holding a couple of sticks happily and another was a girl...who was sitting on Papyrus's shoulders so she could pat the snowman's head down.

 _Oh my god...he's being nice to someone_

 **"Those be some nice sticks you got theres, we's gonna put them on the snowman head?"**

Sans wanted to go over there, but it felt like he was intruding. Those weren't HIS friends, they were apparently his brothers. Truth be told, the adorable sight made him feel jealous and lonely...one day his baby brother would grow up and make even MORE friends while Sans would probably stay at home by himself, working all the time like his father in order to forget how lonely he was.

 _He's gonna leave me all by myself and..._

 **"*sniff*"**

 **"SNAS! HEY SNAS! COME PAY WIT DA' BABY!"**

The older skeleton slowly walked towards the little group, plastering on a smile. **"oh hey pap! watcha doing there?"** asked Sans as if he had just seen them.

 **"I's building a snowman, what it wook like?"**

 **"looks like you're getting along with actual people."**

 **"Course I am, I's a good bae! I's helping da' other snowman and building him a fwiend with these fluffy bunnies!"** Papyrus ran up to Sans and motioned for him to bend down. **"They fluffy as hell big Buther!"** whispered Papyrus. **"Their mama and auntie own da' inn and cinnabun shop too. I's gonna get in good wit the babies and they gonna give us fee sweets and a pace to stay."**

 **"ohhh,"** whispered Sans. **"you're using them to get yourself a place to stay for a couple of days for when you piss off dad."**

 **"We can hear you…"**

 **"So? I's cuter so yo' mama gonna beweave me more…she see da' baby paying nice from da' window and she probly think 'dat's a nice baby paying wit my bunnie babies. He so cute and nice, I should wet him stay at the inn for fee and gives dat cute baby bones cinnabuns."**

 **"Good luck."**

 **"You're going to need a lot of it."**

 **"Then maybe I should cuts off yo' feet…"**

 **"WHAT?!"** the children looked at the baby wide-eyed.

 **"Wabbit feet be lucky-"**

 **"MAMAAAA!"** the baby bunnies ran off.

 **"Good job big Buther, you wuin mah wife!"**

 **"you ruin your own life."**

Papyrus knocked over the snowman and buried himself in snow under it. **"NYEHHHHHHHHH!"**

 **"what are you doing?"**

 **"What's going on here?!"**

Sans turned to see the shop keep and her children storming over to them. She looked really angry…and she was looking at him.

 **"Did you threaten to cut off my children's feet?!"**

 **"what?! no!"** said Sans backing up.

 _Uh oh…_

 **"It wasn't him Mama! It was the baby!"** said the boy rabbit pointing at Papyrus.

 _Phew…_

 **"NYEHHHHHHHHHH!"**

 **"Oh my god! Who pushed that snowman on top of him?! Was it you?!"**

 **"no it wasn't me!"**

 **"THEY BE MEAN TO DA' BABY!"** cried Baby Papyrus.

 **"Wait…'they?'"** the mother turned to look at her children.

 **"uh, yeah! they were building a snowman and arguing about making changes to it, then they got mad and pushed the snowman on top of my baby brother!"** said Sans, backing up Papyrus.

 **"NYEHHHHHHHH! IS TOO! THEY BURY DA' BABY!"**

 **"HE'S LYING!"** yelled the girl rabbit angrily.

 **"THEY'RE BOTH LYING MAMA! THAT BABY SAID HE WAS GONNA CUT OFF OUR FEET!"**

 **"The baby…said he was gonna cut off your feet? Right. Come here you poor thing-"**

 **"MAMA!"** The two rabbits grabbed her dress.

 **"Hush! You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Picking on such a sweet little infant!"**

 **"BUT-"**

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHH!"_**

 **"Get in the house you two! Excuse me child, what's your name…?"**

 **"sans."**

 **"Sans, come with me to the shop and I'll fix you and your poor brother some nice warm soup."**

 **"*Sniff* Can da' baby gets a cinnabun?"**

 **"Of course you can, you poor thing. I'm so sorry-"**

 ** _"MAMAAAAA!"_**

 **"INSIDE!"**

The children glared at Papyrus and Sans venomously before turning around and beginning to walk home.

 _Welp, that's two more friends I'm never gonna make._

He followed them, choosing to wisely wait for the mother to enter the house first. Sans didn't play with any children his age because they tended to be unpredictable when they got mad. They didn't care about the law and wouldn't think twice about dusting him.

He felt bad that the other children had gotten in trouble and he didn't like lying as much as his brother…or at all, but it felt good to be on the winning side for once…to be of some use to someone, especially if it was Papyrus. His baby brother was an asshole, but he protected Sans for reasons the kid comedian couldn't even fathom. It was only due to Papyrus's intervention that Undyne kept her hands to herself and her anger off _him._

The baby bones smiled and waved to Sans, making him giggle and somehow feel worse and better at the same time.

 _If it weren't for my baby bro I'd already be dead. Nobody likes me or Pappy, so we SHOULD look after each other._

 _We're all we have…right now anyway._

The brothers were sat in front of the fire place and given some warm soup as the rabbit children were sent to their room.

 **"I weally appeciate you helping da' baby today Snas, so you gets half my cinnabun,"** said Papyrus. He broke apart his cinnabun and gave the bigger half to Sans, smiling.

 **"awww! thanks bro!"**

 **"No need to tank da' baby, I knows how much you wike food!"**

 **"….thanks bro."**

 **"Nyeh hee hee hee hee!"**

Sans shook his head and dunked his cinnabun into his soup.

 **"You's a pwetty good helper Snas, it would be beni-fici-al for us both if we were to work together** ** _all_** **da' time…"**

 **"uhh…"**

 **"We's famy and famy should wook out for each other ya' know?"**

 _Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in the Godfather?_

 **"heh heh heh, you trying to get me to turn over to the dark side baby bro?"**

 **"We could acomblish great things together is all da' baby's saying…"**

 _He's trying to turn me over to the dark side._

 **"sounds a lot like you want to make me into a henchmen or something."**

 **"I's thinking partners."**

 **"how bout' 'no?'"**

 **"How bout' 'yes' or I puts wabbit feets in yo' bed-"**

 **"how bout' i mosey on over to mama rabbit and tell her the truth?"**

 **"How bout' I pours mah soup over yo' big stink** ** _head?!"_**

 **"how bout' i throw you into the friggen'** ** _lake?!"_**

The mother rabbits ears perked up from the kitchen.

 **"Do you even wift bro?"**

 **"i've taken out trash before, yeah."**

 **"Baby not twash!"** Papyrus kicked his soup bowl causing it to tip over, luckily it was already empty.

 **"Oh, are you two all done?" The mother rabbit picked up their empty bowls.**

 **"yes ma'am, thank you for the soup! you're very nice."**

 **"Aww, such a polite young man! Let me know if you two need anything else-"**

 **"I needs a new big Buther, how much they be?"** asked Papyrus, glaring at the wall beyond her.

 **"Uh, um…"**

 **"Perfer-ably one that don't talk doody to da' baby!"**

 **"i'm not talking shi-doody!"**

 **"Talk dat doody, get smacked in da'** _**booty!"**_ exclaimed Papyrus giggling.

 **"…are…are you coming on to me?"**

The baby stopped giggling.

 **"…"**

 **"…"**

The mother rabbit left the room.

 **"…You's gonna wind up in jails one day big Buther and I's NOT going to vist you…"**

 **"whatever! you WISH i was a pedobear…"**

 **"Yo' dweams are baby's nightmares."**

 **"heh-hey! don't knock it till you try it bro! heh heh ha ha ha!"**

 **"…"**

Baby Papyrus crawled away.

 **"wha-aw c'mon pap it was just a joke!"**

 _FLOOSH!_

Baby Papyrus opened the door and went outside.

 **"it was a JOKE i said! bro?"**

Baby Papyrus crawled home.

 **"OH COME ON BRO, GIMME A BREAK! THAT WAS FUNNNNY!"**


	12. Chapter Twelve: Baby Business

**Chapter Twelve:**

 **Baby Business**

* * *

 **"oh paps…"**

Papyrus dropped his meatball and turned his head to look at his brother curiously. **"Nyeh? What you want?"**

 **"a day where i don't have to clean up after you?"**

 **"But I didn't do nothing…"**

Sighing, Sans removed the pot from the baby bones head.

 _How am I still the ONLY person that catches him doing this crap?_

 **"you know if you were to fix that stuff at a time when someone else is awake, that lie might actually work-"**

 **"DON'T TELL BABY HOW TO LIE! IMMA TELL DADDY!"**

 **"….what?"**

 **"DAAAAAHHHDDEEEEE! SNAS IS TEACHIN' BABY HOW TO LIE!"**

"I highly doubt it…also I'm right here," said Gaster leaning against the door frame. "If you're going to make a mess can you at LEAST do it quietly? It's midnight!"

 **"i wasn't teaching him anything dad!"**

"I know…I just said that."

 **"HE LYING!"**

"I've been standing in the doorway the whole time Papyrus!"

 **"ACK!"**

 **"then why didn't you stop him from making a mess?!"**

"Because that's what the help is for, speaking of which, clean this up Sans."

 **"…."**

 **"NO! DIS** ** _MY_** **SGETTI!"** The baby bones quickly began shoveling spaghetti into his mouth, making an even bigger mess on the tile floor.

 **"eww, bro! don't eat that off the floor!"** Sans picked his brother up.

 ** _"MY SGETTIIIII!"_** shrieked Papyrus, swinging his fists around angrily.

"Young man, there are other people in this lab!"

 _Though most of them have figured out a way to block out your screaming by now…_

 **"THEY CAN HAS DA' POPTARTS! DIS** ** _MY_** **SGETTI! SANTA MAKED IT SPECIAL FOR** ** _ME!"_**

"What?"

 **"he says santa is making him spaghetti all the time."**

 **"Is too! We talk about da' politics…"**

"Santa isn't real, go to bed."

 **"dad!"**

 **"But I seens him!"**

"NO you haven't. Go to BED-"

 **"Can't, he say I gots to work again tonight."**

 **"you don't have a job!"**

 _At least I don't THINK he does..._

Sans had by now taught himself not to assume so many things when it came to his brother. Papyrus HAD been talking about making money on his own for awhile now, but as to _why_ he wanted to, the comedian had no idea.

 **"I does too have a job! I helps da' Tooth Fairy…"**

"What?"

 _Is he…?_

Papyrus smiled brightly. **"I helps her good!"** he cried, kicking his legs happily. **"I** **sneaks in da' houses and collects like the weepo man! She let me keep some cause she nice to da' baby…"**

 _Ah, so HE'S the one attacking my assistants at night…and the rest of the Underground._

 _Though I can't say I'm TOO surprised…_

 **"Baby's an en-ter-pernu-er!"**

Sans looked confused. **"who's the tooth fairy?"**

 _I've never heard of that monster…_

"A way for children to suck money out of their parents without doing any work."

 **"She the magical fairy that collects toothies!"** said Papyrus smiling proudly.

 _What?! WHY?!_

 _That's freaking weird!_

 **"I don't gots toothie magic dough, so I use dis hammer."** Papyrus held up a bloody hammer.

"…."

Sans dropped his brother and put a hand to his mouth instinctively.

 **"Dis da' part where you say 'such a hard-working baby, we so proud of you!'"**

"…."

 **"…."**

 **"Say it or I vists you."**

 **"such a-"**

"Shut up Sans. Papyrus if you continue to attack people at night I'm going to give you to the homeless."

 **"So? They my posse. We tags da' houses we visit and takes da' toothies for the fairy!"**

 **"you have a gang?"**

"He better not…" said Gaster, his tone taking a turn.

 **"Yep, we's the Homeless Helpers! I sells some of these teeth to the green kid and he gives me da' crack to sell for candies! We runs a good business!"**

Gaster pinched the space between his eyes. **"God damn it Jerry…"**

 **"You wants some of dis crack?"** Papyrus pulled a bag of white stuff out of his orange onesie.

 **"no, drugs are bad baby bro!"** exclaimed Sans reaching for the bag.

"….How much is it?"

 ** _"DAD!"_**

"Shut up Sans, I need it."

 **"Family gets it for fwee, but you sucks so you gots to give da' baby 25g."**

 **"that's a little cheap, don't you think bro-"**

"Oh wow, that's so _expensive!"_

 _Really Dad?_

 **"If you's nice to Snas dis week I dwop it to 35g..."**

 **"pap that's more than-"**

"I'll pay full price."

 **"what the hell is your problem with me?!"**

Gaster bent down and gave Papyrus 12 g. "Sans I'm his father and YOUR his big brother, it's our job to set a good example for the baby and cheating one out of their hard-earned cash is despicable-"

 **"you just gave him 12 g!"**

 **"Nyeh hee hee! I's wich!"** exclaimed Papyrus cupping the 12 g in his tiny hands excitedly.

"We must nurture Papyrus's ambition to work hard-"

 **"you cheap piece of crap!"**

"Especially since he's at an age where he's very impressionable."

 **"Imma buy a moo-cow! Fee milk FOREVER!"**

 **"so is this your ACTUAL sense of humor? you're pretty sick dad."**

"Enough, clean this up and then take your brother to your room, it's late as I previously mentioned." Gaster walked out of the room and headed back to his own, bag in hand.

 **"that's fucked up."**

 _He just robbed his own son..._

 **"You's not apposed to say bad words in front of the baby Snas."**

 _He just robbed a BABY!_

 **"i seriously can't believe he did that."**

 **"Dwuggies do anything for dat high-"**

 **"yeah but still-"**

 **"Too bad is baby powder."**

Sans burst out laughing and picked up his brother, smothering him in kisses.

 _CLACK!_

 _CLACK!_

 _CLACK!_

 **"Nyehee hee hee!"** The baby bones laughed too, kicking his little legs happily.

That's what Daddy got for trying to cheat the baby...he got baby powder.

 **"you're so smart bro! how'd you get to be so smart hm?"**

 **"Cloning."**

 **"what?"**

 **"Nothin', we gots to go to bed now so we can wake up early tomorrows! Baby gots a surprise for yoooou..."** The tiny Horror took himself out of Sans' arms with the help of his Wingdings and crawled away.

 _Well that's ominous as hell._

 **"oh hey pap! i got a surprise for you too, hang on..."** Running towards their toybox Sans reached inside and pulled out two puppets he had made.

 **"heh-pappy look at my hands!"**

 **"Oooooh! They turn into doody dogs!"**

 **"yep-"**

 **"How you's gonna eat now big Buther? Da' doody dogs gonna munch yo' food before you can gets it in your mouth!"**

 **"my hands didn't REALLY turn into dogs pap-"**

 **"How you get those hand dogs? Baby would like some hand dogs…"**

Sans removed the puppets and dropped them onto the floor.

 **"*GASP!*"**

 **"see pap? they weren't re-"**

 **"DADDYYYYYY! SNAS** ** _KILLIN'_** **PEOPLES!"** shouted the baby bones in horror. He poked a puppet with his foot. **"HE CUTS OFF THEIR LEGS AND PUTS EM' ON HIS HANDS!"**

 **"WHAT?! NO I DIDN'T!"**

 **"HE TAKED OUT THEIR INSIDES AND TURN-ED THEM INTO MITTENS!"**

"What's going on here?" Gaster walked into the brother's room looking angry. He was in the middle of some important research and the LAST thing he needed was a screaming baby bones distracting him from his work. "I told you two to go to bed-"

 **"SNAS KILL DA' DOODY DOGS!"**

Gaster looked down at the puppets and pinched the space between his eyes in irritation. "Those are puppets Papyrus."

 **"SNAS PUT DA' DEAD DOGGIES ON HIS HANDS AND TRIED TO PAY WIT DA' BABY!"**

 **"NO I** ** _DIDN'T!"_**

Papyrus scrunched up his face at the wall behind Sans. **"You's naaaasty big Buther."**

Gaster picked up the puppets. "Where did you even get these?"

 _They look like those two guardsman…_

 **"i made them."**

"I'd be inclined to believe you, but that would require having an iota of talent..which you do not."

 **"You better be nice to my big Buther Daddy or he gonna turn YOU into mittens! He sick in da' head, you know? Snas a dangerous criminal…"**

 **"no i'm no-"**

"Glass houses child," said Gaster walking away with the puppets. He closed the door to the room behind him, leaving the brothers alone.

The two were silent for a moment, listening to their father walk down the hall until the baby bones finally spoke. **"Baby thinks you got talent big Buther, it would be awful nice if you'd make da' baby some doggy mittens…"**

 **"how bout' NO?"** said Sans still trying not to cry. He had worked hard on those puppets…

 **"Yes! We makes da' mittens! LOTS of mittens! We makes the mittens and then da' profit! We sells the warm doggy mittens to the peoples in the snowy place and then we get dat dough yo!"**

 **"and then we get arrested you mean."**

 **"Nuh-uh! We sells them by the bar to da' drunks! They not know no better cause' their heads be fuzzy with the alkyhol. They probably think 'look at those nice mittens them widdle skellys are selling! They working so hard, I should gives them lots of monies-'"**

 **"iiii don't think so lil' bro,"** said Sans laughing.

 **"…You negative as hell big Buther."**

 **"i'm not negative, i'm realistic."**

 **"You's negative and you shoots down baby's dweams! I's trying to make it big, but you bringing me down brah!"**

 **"stop talking to jerry."**

 **"Next you gonna say baby can't smoke da' marijuana…"**

 **"YOU CAN'T."**

 **"DADDDDYYY! DA' MAN'S BRINGING ME DOWN DADDYYYY!"**

 **"…."**

* * *

The next morning the boys left for Snowdin, Papyrus leading the way to _Sans'_ surprise.

 _Ohhh boy..._

 _Please don't be a dead mouse or another secret puptart experiment..._

 **"We go in there!"** said Papyrus pointing to a big two-story house. A memory flashed through Sans' mind, he recalled his brother mentioning a house for sale a long time ago.

 _Is THAT why he was trying to make money?_

 _Did he buy us a new friggen' place to LIVE?!_

 _..._

 _No, no way. That's stupid. No one's gonna sell a house to a baby. He probably wants something inside._

Peering into the window, he saw that there was in fact, furniture in the house. Someone CLEARLY lived there already.

 **"Nyeh! Nyyyeh!"** Papyrus pulled a key out of his orange onesie and tried to put it in the lock with the help of his wingdings, but it was still hard to aim. There were a lot of things he still couldn't do well with his wingdings being a baby and all. It was a shame too as this was the time of his life where he couldn't be put in jail for anything and it frustrated Papyrus to no end.

 **"uhh we're not allowed in other people's houses bro...I told you that before, remember?"**

Papyrus ignored him and continued to struggle with the key. The Fonts in the Dingbats family were special skeletons who had the strange ability to summon odd things regardless of their typing.

Papyrus could not only summon nine hands, but many other things too...as long as they weren't too complicated for the baby that is. He had to draw the things he wanted to summon and some were just too hard right now. He could draw the sun and raindrop for example, but the snowflake? Psh.

For a moment he contemplated whether or not to draw a bomb and simply blow up the door but...

 **"a random key won't fit into just ANY lock pappy, different keys go to different locks..."**

 **"ERRRRNNN!"**

 **"let's just wait for the people to come home, it doesn't look like the lights are on. when they come home they may let us inside or forget to lock their door."**

 _And by then maybe you'll forget about it and move on to something else._

Frustrated, the baby bones plopped down in the snow and looked up at his brother hopefully. **"We pays da' hide n' seek?"**

 **"*sigh* sure thing lil' bro. lemme find a tree..."** said Sans reluctantly. Hide n' Seek was hard and dangerous in Snowdin, but it was Papyrus's favorite game and if it drew him away from the crime he was trying to commit...

Finding a tree Sans covered his head with his arms and began to count. **"ten, nine, eight..."**

 **"Nyeh heh heh!"** Papyrus laughed deviously and rubbed his hands together, turning back to the door.

 **"seven six five-"**

 **"Not so fast big Buther, starts it over!"** cried the baby angrily, summoning the pointing hand with his wingdings. He drew an empty square with it on the door and watched as the wood inside the square disintegrated before crawling inside the house. Once inside he drew a filled square (otherwise known as the "q" on the wingding's board) and returned the door to it's normal state.

He was such a smart baby.

 **"ready or not, here i co-"** Sans stopped short and frowned upon seeing his brother's crawl tracks in the snow lead to the house...and nowhere else.

 _Little bastard's inside isn't he?_

Turning the doorknob, he found that it opened with ease.

 _Yep._

 **"paaaappyyyy! where are you pappyyy?"** called Sans beginning to look around the house.

 _How did he even get in here?_

 **"I's right here big Buther!"** called Papyrus. He was hiding under a baby blanket by the couch.

 **"where though? i don't see you pap! heh heh heh…"**

 **"Then you needs the glasses cause' da' baby's right here."**

 **"are yoooou under the couch?"**

 **"No, I's under my blanky."**

 **"are yooou behind the tv?"**

 **"The blanky big Buther."**

Sans tapped on the wall. **"are yooou in the wall?"**

 **"…..No."**

 **"in the trashcan?"**

 **"…"**

 **"are yooou in someone else's house without their permission even though i told you not to go inside?"**

 **"You's cwazy Snas, dis** ** _MY_** **house!"** said Baby Papyrus pulling on his blanket slightly.

 **"this isn't your house pap."**

 **"Yes it is! I buy-ded it with the monies I maked!"**

Sans chuckled, thoroughly amused. **"no one's gonna sell a baby bones a house lil' bro."**

 _Especially if that baby's YOU._

 **"They will if I tells em' they gots to…I says "you gots to sell da' baby dis house cause' I's cute and gots lots of monies" and then they sells it for cheap!"**

 **"yeah right, no one's gonna just DO things because you TELL them to papyrus."**

Papyrus pulled a bunch of papers out of his orange onesie.

 **"what is that?"**

 **"These da' house papers. I weads it good and it say baby has to keep giving the monies to live here-NYEH!"** The baby bones cried out as Sans snatched up the papers and began to read.

 **"….."**

 **"….."**

 **"….you know dad is gonna have a fit about this right?"**

 **"Daddy can sucks it, dis** ** _MY_** **wife and I does what I wants! See dis couch?"** Papyrus slapped the green couch several times. **" _I_** **buys dis couch! I don't needs no stink Daddy!"**

 _I wondered why someone would own a green couch with purple and blue carpet. Did Pap carry all this in with his wingdings? Who's SELLING this stuff to him?!_

 **"you bought all this furniture…?"**

 **"Yep. Baby got style for a mile!"**

 **"why's there a huge table by the door?"**

 **"Dat's where we eats…stupid."**

 **"dining tables belong in the kitchen."**

 _Smartass._

 **"Our wooms be up there,"** said Papyrus ignoring Sans and pointing upstairs.

 _He made us rooms?!_

Sans immediately went upstairs to check them out.

 **"HEY! DON'T WEAVE DA' BABY!"** yelled Papyrus crawling after him as fast as he could. It was too bad HE wasn't Comic Sans, if he were HE'D be able to teleport too…

 **"wow bro, is this your room? it looks so cool!"** exclaimed Sans looking at the flame carpet. The room lacked a bed, but it had a bookcase an empty table and an empty desk, plenty of room to put new neat stuff.

 **"I still needs a cwib…and I gots to get some toys. All babies need toys ya' know?"**

Sans raced out of the room, excited to see his own.

 _I hope it's got a bookshelf like pap's!_

The comedian opened the door and went inside.

 **"Daaaamn Snas! You can't just wush off without da' baby!"** yelled Papyrus struggling to catch up. **"I gots da' gerbal legs!"**

The baby skeleton eventually made it to Sans' room breathing hard. He was still tired from moving all the furniture today. His older brother was silently staring at the interior of the room.

 **"…."**

 **"Dis yo' woom. I puts da' bed on the ground so you doesn't fall out and get killed,"** said Papyrus proudly.

 **"….."**

 **"See dat exer-cise machine?"**

 **"…"**

 **"I buys it cause' you's fat."**

 **"….."**

 **"I already made-ed the kitchen too…"**

 **"….."**

 **"Would you wike some ice for dat burn big Buther?"**

 **"oh okay, i see how it is…"**

 **"But you can't see the baby under da' blanky?"**

Sans teleported home.

 **"Nyeh heh ha ha ha ha!"**

That's what Snas got for doubting the baby…he got a stink room.


	13. Bad Habit Conquered

**Chapter Thirteen:**

 **Bad Habit Conquered**

 **"Ewwww! You's nasty Daddy!"** laughed Papyrus lifting his tiny foot. **"You dwipping all over da' floor!"**

"Hm yes, I wonder why?"

 **"Cause' yo' dress covered in tar!"**

 **"*pfft!* it's not a dress baby bro…"  
**

"I KNOW I'm covered in tar-"

 **"Nobody gonna take you to da' ball when you's yucky Daddy. Cween dat dress!"**

"It's not a dress and YOU'RE the reason I'm coated in this filth!"

 **"Nuh uh! I's a GOOD baby, I payed at the Dump all day-"**

"You're not SUPPOSED to play at the dump!"

 **"I collected tweasures like da' Little Mermaid…"**

"You're going to get a disease."

 **"I collected tweasures and sang songs with mah fish friend."** Papyrus pulled out a fork to show his brother.

 **"scavenging with undyne huh? didja' find anything else good?"**

 **"Yep! I finds a bucket and tar for da' prank!"**

 **"heh wow! good job pappy, you're so cool."**

"NO HE IS NOT. Do not encourage this behavior Sans, this is serious! The Dump is full of bacteria and broken glass Papyrus, do you want to die and end up burning in hell early?!"

 **"Psh, only bad babies burn in hell-"**

"AS. I'VE. _SAID!"_

 **"I uses da' glass for telescopes-"**

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU USE THE GLASS FOR!"

 **"geeze dad, take it easy-"**

 **"I pay pirate wit the fish lady!"**

Gaster covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath to calm himself. "Do NOT go back there Papyrus, that place is dangerous. Do I make myself clear?"

 **"But-"**

"No buts! I've heard enough!"

 **"But what if Snas needs more tar?"**

"…What?"

Gaster turned to look at Sans, but the kid comedian had already teleported away.

"….."

 **"….."**

"….."

 **"Dis da' part where you give baby an apology."**

"Your not getting an apology. You know better."

 **"No I doesn't, I's just a baby-"**

"SANS! SANS GET BACK IN HERE IMMEDIATELY!"

 **"Snas in trouble?"**

"You're BOTH in trouble."

 _Some Time Later..._

 **"Snas…? Snas is you mad at me?"  
**

Sans ignored his baby brother and continued to glare at the wall, his arms crossed. He had been put in time-out and he wasn't happy about it.

 **"Big Buther, is you mad at da' baby?"  
**

 **"….."  
**

 **"Is it cause' I told-ed on you about the tar?"  
**

 **"…."  
**

 **"I's just a baby Snas, I don't know no better…is an accident."  
**

 **"….."**

 **"Sides, you told-ed on the baby about mah house and now I don't gots one no more. Dis be re-tro-bution."**

 **"…"  
**

 **"….."  
**

 **"….."  
**

 **"Can I has yo' cinnabun?"  
**

 **"….."  
**

 **"I's gonna take dis cinnabun kay'?"** Papyrus reached into his brother's pocket.

 **"that's not yours."  
**

 **"I know, but I's gonna takes it anyway kay'?"  
**

 **"nooo not okay. that's stealing,"** said Sans pushing his brother's arm away.

 **"I know, but I's gonna takes it anyway cause' I want it."**

Papyrus took the cinnabun from Sans' pocket.

 **"*sigh* you can't just take things that don't belong to you baby bro."**

 **"Yes I can cause' I's a baby. Baby can have anything baby wants cause' baby's a baby and they doesn't put cute babies in jail."  
**

Sans glanced at his brother.

 _They DON'T put babies in jail do they?_

 _Hm._

 **"hey bro…if you don't tell on me when I leave time-out, i won't tell dad you took my cinnabun AND i'll let you have it."**

 **"Da' whole thing?"**

 **"the whole thing."**

 **"Oooooooh!"**

 **"so we have a deal?"**

 **"Yep! I be silent like a kitty fart!"** exclaimed Papyrus unwrapping his cinnabun happily.

 **"g-good."**

 _I think._

 **"Nyeh hee hee!"**

Sans got up from the corner and grabbed a book to read. **"by the way baby bro, could you get me another cinnabun from the store? so we can eat together?"**

 **"Nyeh? Dat be stealing dough…"**

 **"i'm not stealing anything, YOU are,"** said Sans smiling and pointing at the baby bones.

 **"Oh yeaaah! You's so smart big Buther!"**

 **"heh heh heh…"**

 _Yes…yes I am._

Papyrus gave Sans a hug and left for Snowdin. It wasn't hard to get cinnabuns for free, Papyrus did it often when he wanted something sweet to nibble on, but during the next few days he spent a lot of time "shopping" for Sans...not that he wasn't happy about it.

He loved helping his older brother and making him smile.

The baby would feel a swelling of pride in his chest whenever he crawled past the stacks of books he had gotten for Sans, it made him feel like the bestest, nicest baby in the world and Sans would often tell him so. Instead of sleeping in all the time, he would sit down and read one of those books to Papyrus, sometimes he even let the baby read one to him, something that didn't happen as often in the past...not without complaints at least.

 **"You likes da' sparklies, don't you big Buther?"**

 **"you mean the stars? yeah, they're pretty. i wish i could see the real ones someday, but we're stuck underground,"** said Sans turning a page.

 **"...Baby can get you da' sparklies if you wants."**

 **"heh heh heh, the stars are up in space lil' bro! how're you gonna get all the way up there?"**

 **"I twain real hard and collects da' souls! I got a gween one one time..."**

 _Psh, yeah right._

 **"oh yeah? well where is it then pap?"**

 **"I gives it to the king so he can breaks the glowey gate. He gonna use the magics to set eryone fee, but he needs all da' colors I thinks."**

 **"so if i pay the king a quick visit, he'll have a green soul?"**

 **"Yep, he can't use it yet, so he keep it in a glass jar. Is real pwetty."**

 _Does the king really have a human soul? But the mountain is supposed to be impossible to enter..._

 **"The fish lady saw it too, it float out of the hu-man like a balloon!"**

 **"undyne saw it?!"**

 **"...Kinda."**

 _No way!_

 **"i wanna see it!"**

 **"Kay', but you gots to take the baby cause' it hidden."**

Sans nodded and picked up his brother, teleporting to Asgore's castle.

 **"We gots to be real quiet big Buther, we's not supposed to go near da' souls cause' they gonna think we's thieves and stuff,"** whispered Papyrus. He led Sans into the room with the barrier and instilled some of his magic into the floor. To the comedian's surprise, the soul was right where he said it'd be, glowing beautifully and brightly.

 **"wow...it's so pretty!"**

 **"Imma get some more too! Baby gonna get _alll_ da' souls and then we go sees the sparklies! I pomise!"**

 **"that's nice of you baby bro, but i don't want you getting hurt-"**

 **"Baby won't get hurt, I's born to eats da' hu-mans! Imma nom their _FACE!"_**

 **"no, not when you're a baby bones at least. your magics not good enough yet-"**

 **"I DOES WHAT I WANTS!"**

 _ **"shhh!"**_

 **"WHO'S THERE?!"**

Sans gasped as one of the guards footsteps could be heard coming towards them at an alarming pace.

 **"HELLWOE! I'S LOOKIN' AT THE GLOWY THING! DIS A COOL LAVA LAMP RIGHT HERE!"**

 _ **"shut up papyrus!"**_

The footsteps immediately stopped.

 _Oh god, it's the skeleton baby._

 **"COME WATCH WIT DA' BABY!"**

 **"UHH, NO THAT'S OKAY, I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK-"**

 _ **"YOU NEVER WATCH WIT DA' BABY!"**_

 **"GO HOME PAPYRUS."**

The guard's footsteps began to sound farther and farther away, indicating that he was leaving.

 _ **"YOU SUCKS! I HOPES YOU GET WEIGHED-OFF!"**_

 **"heh heh ha ha ha!"**

 **"EEERRRRNNNN!"**

 **"s-sorry baby bro, ha ha ha..you ready to go home?"**

 **"Yeah, is clear DAT DA' BABY AIN'T WANTED! So we go home."**

The brothers teleported back home, luckily winding up in the Nursery. He might have gotten in trouble if he had randomly appeared in front of someone in the lab...

 **"The liberry be open, you want baby to go gets you some more books?"**

 **"sure thing bro, lemme just get your scarf-"**

 **"I don't needs no scarf! Imma go nakey-"**

 **"i already told you no."**

 **"*THBBTH!*"** Papyrus blew a raspberry at his brother, but he allowed Sans to dress him up. The baby didn't know why he had to wear and change clothes since his ectoplasm in his bones kept him warm even in the most frigid of climates, but if it made his creepy brother happy...

 **"Okay baby bro, now what are you gonna say when you enter the library?"  
**

 **"I says 'gimme yo' books or I bast you back to Sesme Stweet!' Then I runs away wit da' goods!"  
**

 **"that's right! you gotta be the smartest baby in the whole wide world! strong too, i can't believe you took down a human!"**

"Sans, Sans I wan't to talk to you," said Gaster entering the Nursery.

He didn't look happy.

 **"Go way Daddy, we's bonding over here!"**

Gaster ignored the baby bones and crossed his arms, glaring at Sans. "You know I can't help but notice that your brother is committing a lot of crimes…more than usual I mean," he said, glancing at the pile of books in the corner. Most of them were joke books and books about aliens…which had 'Sans' written alll over them. It was common for older siblings to use their brothers and sisters to do bad things, but in Papyrus's case...

 **"I knows you heard-ed me! Get out mah room stink Daddy!"  
**

 **"yeah, pappy's getting me books and stuff! he's so awesome…"**

 **"Yep! I's a nice baby. I bring Snas lots of prezzies cause' I loves him good…"  
**

Sans bent down and gave Papyrus a hug, smiling happily.

"You do realize that's considered stealing correct? I took care of Jerry's little 'operation' so I KNOW Papyrus isn't getting anymore income…"

The baby frowned at the wall. **"God damns it Jerry…why you get caught so much? Now baby don't gots no job!"**

 **"i'm not stealing anything dad, pappy is. he can't get in trouble because he's a baby, so it's okay-"**

"No, It's NOT okay, I'm afraid this behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop-"

 **"why? what the hell do you care? why can't you just let me be happy? i'm pretty sure no one's gonna die without a couple of books."  
**

"Not everything is about you, Sans. This is about Papyrus."

 **"don't EVEN give me that your-baby-brother-is-impressionable crap!"** said Sans angrily. **"papyrus has ALWAYS been a thief! i'm not stupid dad!"  
**

"The amount of thefts is dangerous for his mentality, you dumb little imbecile! If a Font's mentality changes, so too will their font!"

 _Didn't I already explain this to you?!_

 _Sigh..._

 _Well...once more wouldn't hurt._

 **"so? who cares if pap isn't a liar anymore? isn't that a good thing?"**

"No, because their personality will ALSO change."

 _I can't have Papyrus turn into Thievery._

 _If he enjoys stealing more than lying…_

Sans looked at his father seemingly confused. **"what do you mean his personality will change? hey bro, is he telling the truth?"**

"Allow me to give you an example, you became Comic Sans because you enjoyed making people laugh, you have an instinctual impulse to make jokes either mentally or verbally. If your font were to change, that impulse would vanish, you would no longer try to make people laugh, but instead focus on whatever your new instinctual impulse is."

 **"I doesn't know what he's talkin' bout', but he not lying big Buther."**

 _He's not lying…?_

 _Really?_

Sans looked down at his shoes. **"i don't get it…"**

"*Sigh* Fine then, Papyrus, how do you rob stores?"

 **"Mm..nyeh?"**

"Stop chewing on my shoelaces and answer the question. HOW do you rob stores?"

Papyrus spit out the shoelace and rolled onto his back. **"I tells em' they gots to gimme stuff and then they do cause' I's a cute bae."**

 _Good, he's still lying._

 **"No child, they give you things because your ability makes them."  
**

 _Not that you don't already know that._

 **"wait wait wait, so pappy-"**

"Won't be able to steal so easily anymore if his font-"

 **"can make people believe anything as long as it's a lie?! that's so cool!"**

 _No wonder he took down that human. That's a scary baby right there._

"Sans-"

 **"I gots to use my power asponsibly dough. Wit great power comes great asponsibility!"** said Papyrus standing up and putting his hands on his hips. **"Hey Snas! Snas!"**

 **"what? why are you whispering?"**

 **"Make my scarf wave like a cape."**

 **"…."**

"Responsibility huh? You know you say that Papyrus, but you still use it for the wrong things."

 **"I uses it to make Snas happy, so _you's_ wrong."**

"Oh? Do you think Sans would be happy if you were like Jerry?"

 _Like Jerry?_

 _What is Dad talking about, 'like Jerry?'_

 **"No. Nobody like Jerry Daddy, he full of suck."**

 **"pfft! that's not nice baby bro, heh ha ha…"  
**

"Well if you continue to steal rather than lie, you may become just like him."

 **"*GASP!* NOOOOOOOO!"  
**

"Indeed, you'll be just like Jerry and no one will like you Papyrus."

The tiny skeleton plopped down on the carpet and began to wail loudly. _ **"NYEHHHHHHHH!"**_

"You'll spend the rest of your life asking people to give you a ride home, but they never will."

 ** _"NYEH-HEHHHHHHHHH!"_  
**

 **"dad stop…"  
**

"You'll continuously complain about wi-fi and never succeed in life. You'll wind up in prison and no one will ever visit you because won't have any friends. Is that what you want?"

 **"*Sniff* No…but I wants to make Snas happyyyy!"** whined the baby bones.

 **"you already make me happy pap,"** said Sans picking up his brother.

 _CLACK!_

 **"i don't need anymore stuff, so no more stealing kay'?"  
**

 _I don't like Jerry either._

 _I 'd rather my brother to stay just the way he is anyway._

 **"Kay' baby won't steal no more."  
**

"That's good to hear-"

 **"Unless I really REALLY want something."  
**

 **"huh? no bro-"  
**

"That's fine."

 **"DAD!"**

Gaster walked out of the room.

 **"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!"**

 **"Yaaaay! Daddy gave baby da' permission!"** cheered Baby Papyrus throwing his hands in the air. Everything was gonna be all right now, he wasn't gonna turn into Jerry and Sans wasn't gonna get in any more trouble! **"Nyeh heh heh heh!"**

Today was a good day.

 **"AWW COME ON DAD! YOU WERE _THIS_ CLOSE TO BEING A GOOD PARENT! _THIS CLOSE!"_**

 **"Don't worry Snas! Is not stealing if I gots da' permission! I tells em' 'Daddy said baby can take yo' stuff!' Then they gives me erything for free!"**

 **"…yeah, yeah you do that."**

 **"Nyeh heh heh!"**

 **"make sure you say 'gaster' though instead of 'daddy'…just in case."**

 **"...?"**


	14. Born to be Friendless

**Chapter Fourteen:**

 **Born to be Friendless**

* * *

 **"** **uh..hey grills-"**

 **"** **Gives us da' candy or we kills yo' family!"**

 **"** **papyrus no! i'm sorry, it's his first spooky day. that's not what we say on spooky day pappy."**

 **"** **What does baby say then?"**

 **"** **umm..i don't know actually,"** said Sans slightly embarrassed, it was his first spooky day too. Normally Gaster had him spend it studying, working, or reading in the lab, but tonight his dad was in the medical ward for…reasons.

 **"** **hey grillby, what do you say when someone opens the door?"**

 **"…** **."**

 **"** **He not gonna talk big Buther."**

Grillby put candy into Papyrus's bucket and closed the door.

 _Huh. Weird._

 **"** **Look Snas! Baby got Monster Candy!"**

 **"** **yep, you sure did. just don't say what you said before when HE opened the door."**

 **"** **It rhyme dough…"**

Reaching the next house, Papyrus knocked on the door with both his fists excitedly.

KNOCK KNOCK KN-KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

 **"** **papyrus stop."**

The door opened.

 **"** **Gives us da' sweets or I eats yo' feets!"**

 **"** ***sigh*"**

 _Still wrong baby bro…_

 **"** **Oh what an adorable little baby!"** exclaimed a female monster. She looked like a medium-sized black mass of darkness and had one eye in the center of her head. Sans recognized her from the MTT Resort where he and Papyrus would go sometimes to listen to Snowdrake's father perform his comedic routines. **"Sorry I don't have any candy for you, my son and I were just about to go candy-gathering ourselves!"**

 **"** **Look big Buther! Is a black monster!"** cried Papyrus pointing at the mother.

 **"** **behave yourself."**

 **"** **What chu talkin' bout' Snas? Baby ALWAYS good…"**

 **"** **yeah okay-"**

 **"** **WAZ GOOD MAH HOMIE?"**

 **"** **papyrus!"**

 _oh god…_

 **"** **I wants to have a black friend big Buther, they cool-"**

 **"** **papyrus you're being racist!"** whispered Sans harshly.

 **"** **Nuh-uh! Racists hate da' black peoples! Baby loves them good! Where yo' son at? I wish to pay wit da' black baby…"**

 **"** **i'm so sorry about this-"**

 **"** **Oh it's alright, your brother is obviously very young-"**

 **"** **BLACK BABY? WHERE YOU AT DAWG? COME PAY WIT DA' BABY!"**

 **"** **Ha ha ha ha! He's so cute!"**

 **"** **ye-yeah…"**

Papyrus peeked his head inside the house curiously.

 **"** **bro, no…!"**

 **"** **How come yo' house don't have leopard print? There no crosses in here either…where the spots and weligious stuff at?"**

Sans covered his face with his hands as the mother began to crack up all over again.

 _I shouldn't have taken him out._

 **"** **If you don't gots no candy, can the baby have some watermelon?"**

 _I should have left him at home._

 **"** **I'm sorry sweetie, we don't have any of that right now-"**

 **"** **Kool-wade then? I can takes da' packets home and makes it myselves…"**

 _I shouldn't have gotten out of bed PERIOD._

 **"** **Nope, no Kool-Aid here! Ha ha ha ha!"**

 ** _"_** ** _please_** **stop papyrus-"**

 **"** **Why you no have black people stuff?! I wants some culture in mah wife!"**

 _I can't do this._

 **"** **c'mere lil' bro."**

 **"** **Nyeh?** ** _NOOOOOO!"_**

Sans took Papyrus home.

 _ **"NYEHHHHHHH!"**_ The baby bones immediately began to waile loudly as soon as he and his brother reappeared in the Nursery. It wasn't fair, he didn't even do anything wrong! **_"NYEH-HEHHHHHH!"_**

 **"ugh, c'mon pap-"**

 _ **"YOU'S MEAN TO DA' BAY-BEEEEE!"**_

 **"no i wasn't! you were being embarrassing!"**

 _ **"I WAS GOO-HOOOD!"**_

Poor baby Papyrus, it was his first Spooky Day and all he got was a single piece of candy. It jiggled around his candy-carrier as he waved his arms wildly, making a lonely hollow sound that actually DID make Sans a little sad.

 _I never got to go candy-gathering on Spooky Day and this might be Papyrus's only chance to celebrate it himself...maybe I AM being mean. The lady wasn't offended right...? What are the chances we'd run into another ethnic in Snowdin anyway?_

 _I should give him another chance._

 **"pappy, if you stay out of other people's houses...and keep from talking about their culture, i'll take you back out to get some more candy."**

 **"*Sniff* I's just being fwiendly..."** said Papyrus wiping the tears from his eyes.

 **"you think you're being friendly bro, but you're actually being racist."**

 **"But baby loves da' black people's! I saids it!"**

 **"you're stereotyping papyrus and that's bad."**

 **"What sterile-typing mean?"**

 **"it means assuming you know how people act and expecting them to act the way you expect before you actually get to know them."**

Papyrus's face went blank.

 **"*sigh* it means-"**

 _TH-THUMP!_

 **"BRO!"** Sans rushed over to his brother as the baby bones collapsed on the floor of the nursery. **_"DAD! DAD!"_** He continued to scream for his father as he raced for the Medical Ward, not wanting to risk teleporting to a random area of the Lab. Looking down, he could see his brother's eyes bleeding from their sockets through they were closed and his tiny body jerked every once in awhile as if he had been electrocuted.

 _WHAT HAPPENED?! WHAT DID I DO?!_

 ** _"DAAAAD!"_**

 _HE WAS FINE JUST A FEW SECONDS AGO!_

Reaching the Medical Ward he ran to his sleeping father's side and shook him awake.

"AH! What?! What is the mean-"

 _ **"PAPPY COLLAPSED DAD! HIS EYES ARE BLEE-"**_

Before Sans could shout another word, Gaster took Papyrus from him and ran to the nearest table, flicking on a light.

 _Ah, I see...oh dear..._

"Sans, I need you to hand me a wet wash cloth, the temperature is unimportant."

The hysterical child obeyed, coming back with a warm washcloth and handing it to the scientist as quickly as he could. **"is he gonna be okay?! what happened dad?! why is he bleeding and moving like that?!"**

"Calm yourself child! Babies can sense emotion and the last thing he needs is more mental stress!"

 **"*sob* i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry, i didn't mean to...!"**

"CALM DOWN."

 **"*sniff*"**

Cleaning Papyrus's eyelids he flicked off the light and headed to the stasis chamber. "We're going to leave him in here for awhile, in the meantime I don't want you talking to him or entering this room."

 **"i'm sorry dad..."**

"You've not done anything wrong truth be told, this is probably MY fault if my hypothesis is correct. Judging by what I've seen, you tried to teach him something that went directly against his font-"

 **"so it WAS my fault."**

"Wrong. I failed to warn you about this because I assumed for SOME reason that it wouldn't become an issue. Hopefully when he awakes he won't have any permanent brain damage..."

 **"BRAIN DAMAGE?!"**

"If you cannot keep quiet I'm going to have to send you to your room."

 **"s-sorry..again."**

"In order to make sure he recovers, we need to cut off as many of his senses as possible, or at the very least dull them. That means no light, no sound, and no physical stimuli of any kind. This stasis chamber should keep him afloat so he feels nothing..."

 **"...when will he wake up?"**

"That depends on the strength of his mind. There is a very good chance he will be just fine in a month or two due to his abnormally large intelligence; the brain is a muscle you see, the stronger it is, the more it can handle. Most babies would die from this amount of shock and stress, but your brother is a Verbal Font and they are, in fact, highly intelligent."

 _There's also the fact that he has-_

 **"yeah you told me, that's why he can talk really well even though he's two. what i wanna know is what i did to** ** _cause_** **this."**

 _I sincerely hope Papyrus is smart enough not to try and fake amnesia or something...though because of his uniqueness, his font may have very well changed. The mind is a mysterious thing, I can't just assume he'll be fine. I must remember to keep a watchful eye on him and take note of any cerebral changes while he's asleep._

 **"hello?"**

 _This MAY be an ample, maybe even the ONLY chance I have to record any changes that have already been made during growth. I swear this child is INCAPABLE of holding still, and the fact that he's learned how to turn off the chamber on his own makes it even harder to record his progress non-verbally._

 **"dad."**

 _I do hope you've enough sense not to have tampered with this machine Papyrus, your very life may depend on it. Did I check the machine for any damages or changes since he informed me of his little achievement?_

 _I honestly can't remember._

 **"DAD."**

"Uh, um what? What is it Sans?"

 **"i asked what i did to cause this and you just-"**

"Ah yes, here you are, study this carefully," said Gaster taking out his old FontSearch. It was worn with age and the information was even older, but it gave a LOT of information as to what to avoid when raising a skeleton child.

Baby Bones

Baby Bones are infant Fonts and need more mental care than physical. At birth they are HIGHLY attuned to emotion AND as to what's going on around them, more so than both Humans and Monsters, so it is important that they are raised as carefully as possible. Even the tiniest of things can affect a Baby Bones and these things will mold their personality for the better or worse. The changes happen at age two and are so extreme that a page on the FontSearch has been made to ensure that you don't make any mistakes that could lead them to becoming a difficult..or even deadly, person to live with. This page is located in the Raising tab, however if a mistake is made and you wind up with a Font you can't live with, a page devoted to changing or destroying a Font can be found in the Requirements tab. Keep in mind that destroying a Font without proper authority is illegal with self-defense as the only exception, in which case a court will decide the best course of action. The page you are currently on will tell you what to avoid when raising a Baby Bones whether created through conception or created through Death.

Sans furrowed his brow at the screen, perplexed.

"Some human babies die at an extremely young age and end up turning into skeletons," said Gaster noticing his son's confusion.

 _Or at least they USED to._

 **"humans turn into skeletons?! i thought they killed skeletons though!"**

"They do...Humans don't care about you unless you're human. It doesn't matter if you were once a friend or family member of theirs."

 **"...that's messed up."**

"Indeed."

 **Creation through Conception and Death**

"You can skip that one Sans, that isn't the way Papyrus was made."

 **"i'm curious though..."**

"They aren't created through death anymore so it isn't important-"

Though most Human babies are born from the union of a male and female, Human babies that die at birth and/or before age two can eventually turn into Baby Bones when enough magic is absorbed through their skeletal structure.

 _This child doesn't listen..._

Unlike Baby Bones created through conception these infants can, unbeknownst to the parents, take on fonts due to presently unknown circumstances connected to the way they died. The effects won't be seen until age two, so there is plenty of time for them to change if proper care is given, however they will need far more attention than if they had been created through conception; other than that there is really no difference between the methods.

 **WARNING!**

Highly intelligent and unusually mature, a Baby Bones can be a bit off-putting for Human and Monster parents looking to adopt, they have unique behavior patterns that may create or trigger Pedophobia (fear of children) and you are legally required to take a psychological exam once before adoption and at least once a month after until age seven, failure to do so will result in the infant/child being removed from your care.

 **"pedophobia huh? heh, i'm guessing everyone in the lab has that by now, am i right?"**

"You would be if there were anyone LEFT."

 **A Baby Bone's Language Development**

Unlike Human, Monster, and even animal infants, a Baby Bones is born with the natural instinct to learn and grow IMMEDIATELY after creation. Upon gaining sentience, the Baby Bones will be silent and highly attentive to the environment and the people around them until language is learned. It is common for the infants once language is learned, to escape their crib and search for books and other sources of information regarding the world around them as soon as they can. As a parent it is your responsibility to make sure the information gathered is factual and beneficial to their mental health. Restricting their freedom is NOT recommended and can lead to EXTREME behavioral problems. Television is also NOT recommended, especially cartoons as they often depict the world as an unrealistic place. A Baby Bones that watches a cartoon with talking animals will often expect the animals in their world to speak to them, when they are ignored a **Grudge** may be born and they can last up to adulthood.

At age one and six months, the Baby Bones will usually begin to speak and refer to themselves as "The Baby" due to their lack of font, though keep in mind that all babies develop at different rates. This is a very important time for the infant as they will develop a personality during this stage of life and depending on how they are raised their intellect will also be affected. Attempting to name them before age two will result in anger and if continued, a possible **Grudge.** Be sure not to refer to a Baby Bones as a child, kid, or toddler as that is also insulting and will fuel their hot tempers.

 **"ohhh! THAT'S why pappy always does that..."**

"No, he does that for a different reason...it's in the paragraph you're SUPPOSED to be reading."

 **A Baby Bone's Social Development**

"THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT ONE SANS."

Because skeleton babies lack the magic and skill to protect themselves, they tend to stick near a taller person or perform cliche' acts that they know promote a positive response. Though their ectoplasm will most likely be strong enough to support their legs by age one, they will often opt to crawl wherever they go because it's "cuter" and they are even thought to keep their speech skewed though they've already mastered language. Be sure not to let these cute acts fool you, your Baby Bones, believe it or not, is mature enough to hold reasonable arguments as soon as language is mastered and intelligent enough to manipulate you if you let them. They're born with this level of maturity and temper tantrums are thankfully non-existent because of this, however due to their age and height, many older Humans and Monsters can find them offensive. Please remember that although Baby Bones are intellectually mature, emotionally they are _not,_ Patience is needed, especially at and after age two.

When grouped together, Baby Bones will usually chat rather than play, trading information (sometimes literally with candy or other items they consider valuable though this is frowned upon). Infants that do not work hard to "grow big" (grow up) often find themselves the center of attention by other babies in the group and will more likely than not, be lectured relentlessly by their peers regardless of age. They see the lack of work as unhealthy and lazy, coaxing the "bad" Baby Bones to "be a better baby." The lectures can last hours and the group will spend the rest of their time together afterwards trying to persuade the infant to do beneficial things by practicing their font in front of them (if age two or beyond), walking, or showing off other talents while the rest of the group cheers them on.

 **"aww, that's cute. isn't that cute dad?"**

"..."

 **"oh hey! here's a chapter that should benefit you!"**

 **Grudges**

 _"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and a woman's scorn grants no terror like the freedom of an angry child."_ ~M. Hamilton

The term Baby Bones, no matter the century of the earth, will always be synonymous with the word "grudge." Skeletal infants are infamous for their tempers and their ability to hold intense grudges for years on end, causing more deaths than car crashes every year in many countries. They know from a young age that they are exempt from the law and some will use that to the fullest extent if angered making them feared by the ones who'd love them and hated by the ones who'd do them harm. They WILL NOT tolerate any amount of disrespect quietly and their natural instinct to work hard in order to "grow big" has led many to run away from home and find others to take care of them when neglected for too long. Those that earn a Baby Bone's hate are referred to as "baby-haters" and it is very difficult to earn back an infant's trust once it's broken, so it is advised that when in a troubling situation, you sit the baby down and talk to them in a quiet, calm tone. Explain what they did wrong and avoid phrases such as "because I said so" in order to make sure they continue seeing you as a rational person; more often than not they will agree with _you_ because you're bigger and know more about the world. If you DO earn the title of "baby-hater" the best thing you can do is apologize and hope for the best, refrain from telling them what THEY did wrong and focus on your OWN wrongdoings regardless of whether or not you were actually wrong. This is for your own safety as well as others for it is not uncommon for a Baby Bones to team up with other babies and seek revenge. Baby Gangs are quite common in certain areas of the world and they are very dangerous.

Keep an eye on your Baby Bones at all times.

"Sans this is taking too long and I'd like to get back to healing _myself-"_

 **"okay okay, where's the part i need to read...?"**

Sighing, Gaster took the FontSearch from Sans and found the right paragraph before handing it back to him.

...After your Baby Bones turns two they will get their font and begin to grow out of speaking in the third person. In order to be more productive, they will choose to walk rather than crawl and become obsessed with practicing their font. This is to be encouraged regardless of whether or not the font is desirable as it enhances their self-confidence and level of initiative. DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE YOUR BABY'S FONT! Any successful attempt to change your Baby Bones font can lead to permanent brain damage and/or death. They're not physically ready to handle the changes that would be made to their bodies until age seven and attempting to change a Font's font without proper authority WILL result in a fine of up to 20,000 dollars and/or jail time.

"Do you see Sans? Papyrus is The Lying Font and he needs information in order to lie well. He gets that information from books-"

 **"and racist parents."**

"...And he believes in certain stereotypes. Telling him stereotyping is wrong makes him unable to play pretend and thus unable to use or practice his font...something a baby bones instinctively needs and wants to do."

 _That IS what Sans did isn't it?_

 _It wasn't the Wingdings he had a problem with..was it?_

 **"so telling him stereotyping is bad..is bad."**

"Correct."

 **"oookay...so basically papyrus isn't gonna make too many friends when he gets older. welp, let's hope he's satisfied with just me then."**

Sans went back to his room, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"You're all he needs," said Gaster turning off the light. "Isn't that right Papyrus?"

 **"..."**


	15. Gettin' Big Mah Homie!

**"Nyeh, nyeh!"**

"Can I help you?"

Papyrus giggled as he climbed as high as he could to the top of his father's head. He had been out for quite some time, but as Gaster had said, he soon recovered after only a month and a half. Sans had spent that time sleepless, wondering if his brother would ever wake up again. Had he nails he'd of bitten them down to the quick, but instead he had spent his time pacing his lonely room and driving himself mad, wanting to check up on Papyrus, but also not wanting to risk his brother's health. Gaster was actually impressed with his son's unexpected level of self-discipline and had rewarded Sans by allowing him to skip work, but all the child wanted was to hear his brother laugh again.

Now that Papyrus was awake, Sans was ecstatic and excited to do whatever the baby bones wanted to do..regardless of the consequences.

 **"hold up dad, it'll just be a minute. we need a blank piece of paper real quick."**

"Well your brother's not going to find one on top of my head-"

 **"Baby high as hell! Nyeh heh heh!"  
**

Sans snatched a piece of paper from Gaster's desk. **"okay, got one! come on down baby bro,"** he said, holding out his arms. Papyrus hopped into them, snuggling into his hoodie.

 _Whoa_ _! Bro's getting really big...that almost knocked me over!_

"What is this for, Sans? Are the coloring books Papyrus stole not good enough for you?"

 **"it's not for me dad, pappy needs it to draw plans,"** said Sans putting his brother down and checking the back of the paper in his hands. Did Papyrus only need one side?

Gaster narrowed his eyes, immediately suspicious. "What _kind_ of plans?" he asked warily.

 _Whatever it is, it can't be good._

 **"he's gonna help paint a building!"**

"….What?"

 **"Yep, I's gonna do the art and Snas gonna help da' baby!"  
**

 **"we're gonna make it all space-themed and-"**

"What building are you speaking of?"

 _And who on earth was lazy and cheap enough to hire two children for such an important job?_

 **"we don't know yet."  
**

"You don't know?"

 **"We got to find a good house first, then we paints it…stupid."**

"That sounds like vandalism."

 **"No! Is a fee paint job-"**

"It sounds like you two are planning to spray paint a building."

 **"what's spray paint?"**

 _They are._

 **"Da' black baby we sawed yeserday gonna teach us the art! They good at spay painting-"**

"What black baby?!" asked Gaster, suddenly alarmed. "Sans, you told me you were taking your brother out candy-gathering only in Snowdin!"

 **"yeah, so?"**

"So the only reasons you two were allowed to leave the lab that night with my permission in the first place was, one: I didn't want Papyrus anywhere NEAR me while I was healing in the Medical Ward-"

 **"You looked like a pile of sticks! Nyeh heh heh!"**

"And two: Snowdin is a white neighborhood! Where in god's name did you find a black baby?!"

 **"dude!"**

 **"I knocked on da' door real good and there be a black monster inside! She gots a baby too, but he can't crawl yet-"**

"I don't want you anywhere near that baby or their family, do I make myself clear?"

 **"So we gots to carry him to da' house and draw the plans by ourselves."**

"I KNOW you heard me Papyrus!"

 **"what's your problem with black monsters dad?!"** asked Sans incredulously.

Gaster had a habit of refusing to hire black monsters and it was one of the reasons the royal scientist had only a few friends. No matter how many assistants quit or were killed, Gaster would NEVER hire a black person regardless of how little they were willing to work for, and the comedian just couldn't understand it.

 _That's so stupid! They're just like us aren't they? They're smart and they can do things AND we need the help, so what the hell's his problem?!_

"I don't like their culture Sans, plain and simple."

 **"so?! not all of them act the same dad!"**

"Nonsense, I don't care HOW professional they act during their job interview, a Decor is still a Decor-"

 **"what the hell's a decor?!"**

"It's a term used to describe Horror Fonts. Also mind your language-"

 **"she wasn't even a skeleton though!"**

"Black Monsters and Decors share the same culture-"

 **"you're so full of crap."  
**

Gaster sighed and covered his face with his hands. Sans was getting more and more mouthy as he got older and it was starting to wear on the scientist's nerves.

 _He's going to be IMPOSSIBLE to deal with when he becomes a teenager isn't he?_

 **"Is baby a Decor…?"**

"You will be if you keep spending time with THOSE people, that's why I don't hire them. It's all so you can become a respectable member of society Papyrus."

 **"you are literally the worst person ever."**

 **"Is baby BLACK?!"  
**

"Regardless, I expect you to follow directions. If I ever DO want to be around a bunch of colors I'll quit my job and work at a crayon factory," said Gaster getting up from his chair.

 **"Nyeh heh ha ha!"  
**

 **"bro no! don't laugh at that!"**

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go finish my work somewhere quiet-"

 **"YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON _EVER!"_**

 **"Yeah Daddy! Don't hate me cause' you ain't me!"** giggled the baby bones.

"I don't. I hate you for other reasons."

Gaster left the room.

 **"*sigh*"**

 _Welp, at least I know where Papyrus gets it from._

 **"Don't worry big Buther, Imma get rid of him when I gets big, then you can be happy forever!"**

 **"heh heh heh,"** Sans picked his brother up and planted a kiss on his forehead. **"thanks little bro, you're real sweet-"**

 **"YOU HEARS DAT DADDY?! BABY GONNA POP A CAP IN YO' ASS!"**

There was no response from down the hall.

 **"Psh yeah you better run Daddy, disaspecting the baby like dat. Dada be cray-cray huh big Buther?"**

 **"stop that."**

 **"Stop what? What chu talkin' bout' Snas?"**

 _Oh no..._

 **"you know what i'm talking about."**

 **"No I doesn't-"**

 **"yes you do! you're not black so stop acting like you THINK black people act!"**

 _What am I going to do?_

 **"I don't know what you's talkin' bout'. I's just being myselves!"**

 _I can't tell him not to stereotype, but I can't have him running around acting like...THAT..either!_

 **"oh hey, would ya' look at that? it's almost.."** Sans looked at the office clock. **"three in the afternoon. bedtime kiddo!"**

 **"What?! Nooooooo!"**

 **"yep, ya' gotta go to bed baby bro."**

 **"But wh-oh. Oh I gets it, okay Snas, I goes to bed like a good baby."**

 **"uh, good! good boy pappy!"**

 _What the hell is he talking about?_

Trying to shake off the foreboding feeling from his shoulders, Sans picked up his brother and carried him to their room, changing him into his orange feet pajamas. Placing him in his crib, he kissed his forehead and turned off the light, as Papyrus quickly went to sleep.

 _What is this? Papyrus was so excited about painting today...is he really sleeping?_

Upon closer inspection, Sans could see that he was not. Papyrus was only pretending to sleep, his tiny fingers moving slightly as he counted the time between breaths.

 _He's pretending..._

Exiting the room, the older skeleton waited by the door for awhile in an attempt to hear his brother climb out of his crib, but after ten minutes had passed, he gave up. Every once in awhile he would make an excuse to check up on Papyrus while he was supposed to be working with Gaster, but apparently Papyrus really DIDN'T have any intention of escaping.

* * *

"You won't catch him child. If Papyrus wants you to believe he's sleeping, he'll do everything in his power to convince you that he is. Assuming of course, that he isn't playing a role at the moment, in that case he's doing his best to do what he thinks he should."

 **"h-how did you know-"**

"Because it's six in the afternoon and it's quiet. Regardless of what's going on, be very careful of what you say Sans."

* * *

The next morning Sans quickly went to check up on Papyrus, apparently he was still pretending to sleep.

 _He's been like this all night?! Why?!_

 _Whatever, I know what'll wake him up._

 **"happy present day little bro, time to wake up!"  
**

 **"Nye…Nyeh…?"** Papyrus opened his eyes slowly as if he were groggy from sleep, then, much to Sans' surprise, he turned over and closed his eyes again. **  
**

**"huh? what are you doing? it's present day pappy! come see what santa brought you!"  
**

 **"…There no such thing as Santa, go back to sweep Snas."  
**

 **"wh-what? it's two in the afternoon! i got up early for you, so you _have_ to come see your presents!" ** said Sans picking up his brother.

 **"NYEH!"** Papyrus shot his brother a venomous look, his eyes blazing an angry orange.

 **"AH!"** Sans cried out and dropped his brother back down onto his crib mattress.

 **"Baby don't gots to do nothin…cept' sweep! Black babies be nocturnal big Buther, so you gots to wake baby up at nighttime!"  
**

It was wrong to wake up sleeping babies anyway, everyone knew that!

 _Ohhhh...I see. He's still doing that goddamn "black" thing._

 _He slept all night because he didn't sleep all day yesterday._

 **"you're not black papyrus, i told you that already."  
**

 **"Nighttime's when the black monsters come out to steal stuffs and eats da' barbie-Q-"  
**

 **"papyrus."  
**

 **"We blends in wit the dark so nobody catch us and we scoops up yo' stuffs like da' racoons-"  
**

 **"PAPYRUS."  
**

 **"Dat's why Daddy call them 'Coons' big Buther! We special nighttime animals so we GOTS to sweep during the day-"  
**

 **"…."  
**

 **"…."  
**

 **"…."  
**

 **"…But baby might get up for some milk…"  
**

 **"*sigh* alright-"  
**

 **"Chalk-wit milk."**

 **"NO."  
**

 **"I NEEDS IT FOR NUTRIENTS!"**

 ** _"NO YOU DON'T!"_**

 **"I NEEDS IT OR I'LL _NEVER_ GETS BIG!"**

 _ **"DAD!"**_

 **"Why you and Daddy gotta be payer-haters anyway Snas? We gots rights too ya' know? We gots rights and we gots feelings!"**

 _How can I get him to stop?!_

 **"Our people's suffered big Buther! You just racist cause' you jelly-ous!"**

 _Our..people...?_

 _Wait._

 **"You doesn't know da' struggle Snas, is real sad..."**

 **"yeah? well you don't know how to act like a papyrus font,"** said Sans slyly.

 **"Nyeh?"** Papyrus looked at him seemingly confused.

 **"papyrus fonts are supposed to act like someone or something else all the time, but you're just being yourself. i think that two month nap of yours turned you into a lazy bones bro!"**

 **"NO!"**

 **"yeah! you're not practicing your font anymore cause' you're lazy now-"**

 _ **"YOU CAN KISS MAH TINY HINEY STINK BUTHER!"** _ shrieked Papyrus. How dare he?! It was because of Sans that the baby wanted to get big in the first place! He was giving up his cute so his crap brother could have his crap shinies, and THIS is how baby was repaid?!

 _ **"I WORKS HARDER THEN ANYBODY IN DA' WHOLE WIDE WORLD AND I DOES IT FOR YOU!"**_

 **"then why are you still in bed baby bro, hm? how come i'm up first?"**

 **"SCUW _YOU_ SNAS!" ** The tiny infant threw his his blanket at his brother's face, but unfortunately he was standing on it, so it didn't go very far.

 _ **"HEY DAD, LOOK AT THIS LAZY BABY IN HERE! HE'S TRYING TO GO BACK TO SLEEP!"**_

 _ **"NO I'S NOT! HE LYING!"**_

Papyrus climbed out of his crib and ran to go get his presents in Snowdin, not bothering to even put on his snow boots.

 **"heh heh heh heh!"**

"Excellent work Sans, I didn't think I'd have to intervene," said Gaster, leaning against the door frame.

Sans gave him a thumbs up.

It was good to be a genius.


	16. Mystery Mother

**"** **hey paappyy! look at the camera pappyyy!"** Sans waved to his brother happily, holding a camcorder in his hand.

 **"** **Nyeh? What you want Snas?"** asked the baby bones. **"Daddy didn't say you gots to record the baby today…"**

 **"** **yeah i know, but you're getting so big! any day now you're gonna grow out of your bones pap, i just know it!"** said Sans excitedly. **"you know what i'm talking about right? you're gonna grow out of your bones for the first time!"**

 _And I'm gonna get it on camera too!_

 **"** **What chu talkin' bout' Snas? I's too widdle to get big, I's still just a baby ya' know?"**

 **"** **yeah but you're making more ectoplasm now bro! your bones can't hold it all and they're gonna fall off-"**

 **"** ***GASP!*"**

 **"** **then all your ectoplasm is gonna come out an-"**

 **"** **DAAAAAADDDYYYYYYY!"** Papyrus took off running towards Gaster's office.

 **"** **huh? wait papyrus…!"**

 **"** **DADDY COME FIX DA' BAY-BEEEEEE!"** The little Horror Font reached the office door and banged on it repeatedly.

"IF YOU CAN SHOUT THEN YOU'RE FINE," yelled Gaster from inside the room. He had a habit of locking his office door and he almost NEVER answered it for Papyrus. The only way the door would open is if Sans said it was important…but maybe if Papyrus kept beating on it…

 **"** **YOU FIX DA' BABY RIGHT NOW OR I'S GONNA CRY IN YO' BIG STINK** _ **HEAD!"**_ screamed Papyrus banging on the office door.

 _BANG BANG BANG!_

"SANS, ATTEND TO YOUR BROTHER PLEASE."

 _ **"**_ _ **NYEHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHH!"**_

 _BANG!_

 _BANG!_

 _BANG BANG!_

 _BANG!_

 **"** **whoa! easy pap, easy!"**

 ** _"_** ** _I'S GONNA KILL YOOOOUUUUU! I'S GONNA BURY YOU WIT SNAS' HOPES AND DWEAMS!"_**

 **"…** **.nice."**

 _ **"**_ _ **IMMA FWUSH YO' DUST DOWN DA' TOILET AND WEAR YO' STINK DWESS ON SPOOKY DAY CAUSE' IT UGLYYYYYY!"**_ Papyrus kicked the door several times angrily.

 ** _"_** ** _PA-PYRUS!"_**

 **"** ***GEEP!*"** The baby bones jumped at his brother's sudden yelling. His voice was getting deeper and he didn't like it too much. **"Nyehh..nyehh…!"**

 **"** **oh geeze sorry, i didn't mean to yell THAT loud-"**

 ** _"_** ** _NYEHHHHHHHHH!"_** Papyrus plopped down on the floor and began to bawl his eyes out. _ **"SNAS YELL AT THE BAY-BEEEEE!"**_

 _Shit…_

 _ **"**_ _ **NYEH-HAAAAAAAHHHHH!"**_

Sans put a hand over his face in annoyance. He wanted another aspirin, but the bottle said he couldn't take too many at one time and he had already had one that day…it seemed like he was taking them more and more often as of late truth be told.

 _I just wanted to have a freaking conversation! God, why does everything have to be over-dramatized with him?_

 _ **"**_ _ **NYEHHHHHHH! NO ONE LOVES DA' BAY-BEEE!"**_

The kid comedian searched his pockets for his brother's "gaga" frantically. It was usually the only thing that calmed the tiny baby bones down when he was really upset, but unfortunately today Sans couldn't seem to find it.

 _Where's his goddamn pacifier?!_

 _ **"**_ _ **I'S GONNA TURN INTO A TINY WIDDLE PUDDLE AND NOBODY CARRRREEEE! NYEHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHH!"**_

 _ **"**_ _ **YOU'RE NOT GONNA TURN INTO A PUDDLE PAPYRUS!"**_

 **"** ***Sniff* Nyeh…?"** The baby bones stopped crying and looked up at his brother tearfully. **"I's not gonna be baby soup?"**

 **"** **no stupid, your bones are gonna fall off, your ectoplasm is gonna come out, and then it's gonna harden into stronger bones, that's** ** _ALL."_**

 **"…** **.You's not taping baby's demise?"**

 **"** **what? no! no i'm not taping your demise! what's wrong with you?!"**

 **"** ***Sniff*"**

 **"** ***sigh* c'mere lil' bro,"** said Sans pulling his brother into a hug with one arm.

Papyrus wiped his tears away and snuggled into the older skeleton's hoodie, feeling better. **"I's sorry Snas, I thought you's gonna watch the baby turn into a puddle and eats the soup…"**

 **"…** **no."**

 **"** **Oh…then why you's taping me?"**

 **"** **because, you weird little freak, growing out of your bones is like taking your first steps or saying your first words or sentence. it's special…"**

 **"** **Special?"**

 **"** **yep. it means you're getting bigger. you're gonna be a big boy pap! well, i mean eventually..you're gonna be really small for awhile as your new bones grow out-"**

 **"** **Wowie, I's gonna be a big boy! Imma get** ** _big!"_**

 **"** **mm hm, you sure are."**

 _Finally, we're on the right track._

 **"** **YOU HEAR DAT DADDY? I'S GONNA BE A BIG BOY, THEN I BEATS YOU LIKE WE'S MARRIED!"**

 **"** **papyrus no! heh heh ha ha ha!"**

 **"** **Nyeh heh heh heh heh!"**

 _He's so cute…I might actually miss his messed up sense of humor when he gets older._

 _At least I THINK that was a joke…_

 **"** **Does the baby get a party…?"**

 **"** **hm? what?"**

 **"** **Does I gets a party?"**

 **"** **heh, sure thing little bro. me and you will throw a big party and invite everyone who'll come!"**

 _Which is basically Undyne and no one else._

 _ **"**_ _ **YAAAY! WE'S GONNA PARTY HARDY!"**_ The baby bones cheered, smiling brightly and happily.

 **"** **we sure are! we'll have snacks and juice and-"**

 **"** **And cake?"**

 **"** **hell yeah we'll have cake!"**

 **"** **And stwippers?"**

 **"** ***pfft* yeah bro, LOTS of strippers, and if i can't find any i'll dress up and do a sexy little dance for ya' myself!"**

 **"…"**

 **"** **i'll burst right out of your cake and give the baby a lap dance, how's that sound?"**

 **"…** **.I don't wants a party no more."**

 **"** **ha ha ha ha! yeah okay fine, whatever pap. you don't know what you're missing though! i got some sweet moves-"**

Papyrus went to his room, closing his door gently.

 _BA-GUN._

 **"** **christ pap, I WAS JO-"**

"Sans I want to talk to you," said Gaster from the other side of the door.

 **"** **crap."**

Sans opened the door wearily to find his father hunched over a pile of paperwork.

 **"y-yeah dad?"**

"I need you to deliver this letter of congratulations to the woman who runs the Inn in Snowdin. Apparently her terrible excuse for a husband came home and now she's a mother of three."

 **"oh is that it? wait, why is he terrible?"**

"Because he thinks he can leave for months at a time and then simply apologize by giving her another child."

 **"so, why do you care? do you like the innkeeper? are you gonna steal her away from him and marry her?"**

"Sans-"

 **"are we gonna get a mom? for real?!"**

Glaring, Gaster was about to answer when he heard a gasp from under his desk.

"What on earth was-PAPYRUS I ASKED YOU TO KEEP YOUR BABY MONITOR OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

 **"WE GONNA GETS A MUDER?! WIT MILK IN DA' BOOBS?!"**

"OF COURSE NO-"

 _CA-THUN!_

The sound of something dropping onto a table was heard over the monitor tapped under the scientist's desk, indicating that Papyrus had taken off.

"*Sigh* Go get your brother please."

 **"yeah okay."**

"And stop teasing him..like you did earlier I mean. I know they're most likely jokes, but if you keep flirting your font might change and I want to avoid any other walking annoyances."

 **"but my font is broken..if i get a new one i might get better..."**

"Changing your font isn't like putting on a new costume Sans, we discussed this. If something goes wrong-"

 **"i'll get a bad font like bro?"**

Gaster turned in his chair to look at Sans wearing a serious expression. "There's no such thing as a bad font child, only bad people. Remember that."

 **"..."**

Sans teleported to Snowdin.

 **"** **Ooooh! Look at dat bunny baby Snas!"** exclaimed Papyrus excitedly.

It was always good to have another baby in the world.

 **"** **Mmnahh..gag.."**

 **"** **heh, it's a cutie all right,"** said Sans smiling as the infant continued to gurgle. Apparently it had just woken up from a nap.

 _I wish my brother took naps._

 **"** **Dat baby's fluffy as hell lady!"**

 **"** **Um, uh..thank yo-"**

 **"** **Where you get these fluffy babies? You gots two and now you gets twee?! Where da' baby store at?!"**

 **"** **W-well-"**

 **"** ***sniiiiiff*"**

 **"** **Please..don't do that Sans."**

 **"** **TELL ME WHERE DA' BABY STORE AT!"**

 **"** **volume lil' bro."**

 **"** **Why don't you ask your parents where the babies come from?"** asked the mother rabbit nervously.

 _They've so much energy…_

 **"** **I KNOWS where babies come from! Daddy says babies come from da' store like erything else, but I can't** ** _FINDS_** **it! I looks and I looks, but I can't finds it nowheres!"**

 **"** **Ha ha ha ha ha!"**

 **"** **the baby store huh?"** Sans smiled, thoroughly amused and stuck his hands in his pockets.

 **"** **Yep! Didn't you know dat Snas? You buy da' babies at the secret store…"**

 **"** **heh heh heh, no i didn't know that pap."**

 _Bro's so cute…_

 **"** **Is too! The store like a secret cwub and you can only gets in if you go with someone you loves…"**

 **"** **Awww!"**

 **"** **You can also gets em' online if you go to the Deep Web."**

 **"…** **."**

 **"** **the what…?"**

 **"** **Dat's probly where Daddy get us cause' nobody love him."**

 **"** **pfft!* papyrus, don't say things like that!"**

 **"** **Daddy say I's da' worst purchase he ever maked-"**

 **"bro! ha ha ha ha ha!"**

 **"** **Let's change the subject-"**

 **"** **Cept' for Snas."**

 **"…** **."**

 **"** **He gotted the two for one deal online, but they sends him cwap babies. Snas' font don't work and he be cweepy-"**

 **"** **Would you like to hold the baby Papyrus?"** asked the innkeeper nervously.

Papyrus's eyes lit up. **"Yeah! I's gonna holds it real good! Look Snas, watch the baby!"** Papyrus carefully cradled the newly born rabbit in his arms, being careful to support it's neck, much to the mother's surprise.

 **"** **Eerrah…?"** The tiny rabbit looked at him warily.

 **"** **Hellwoe baby, you's so cute! Erybody gonna love you cause' you's a bunny and nobody hate bunnies. How old you be?"**

 **"** **He's-"**

 **"** **I asked the baby."**

 **"** **bro…!"**

 **"** **Heh heh ha ha ha! It's alright Sans, he WAS talking to my little one after all,"** said the innkeeper laughing.

 _Still…_

 **"** **pap needs to learn some manners, he's getting so rude…"**

 **"** **Baby not wude!"** exclaimed Papyrus angrily.

 **"** **You're a baby?"**

 **"** **Course' I's a baby! Look at dis butt! I gots a tiny hiney and tiny hands and tiny feets-"**

 **"** **But you're a little tall to be a baby don't you think? You're probably a toddler."**

 **"** **Well you's a widdle ugly to be a bunny, and he probably found!"**

 **"** **papyrus no!"**

 **"** **Heh heh ha ha ha! Okay, that was a** ** _little_** **rude."**

 **"** **you're getting out of hand baby bro,"** said Sans embarrassed. **"these days if you aren't threatening people or interrupting them, you're bossing them around! dad might take you back to the store if you don't behave you know…"**

 **"** **Sans!"**

 **"** **Is too dat da' baby still innerrupt peoples, but Muder teachin' me to be good and I's getting better! You don't know what you's talkin' bout' Snas. Isn't that right bunny baby?"**

 **"** **Gha-roo?"**

 **"** **huh? mother? is that what you said?"**

 _We don't have a mother…_

 **"** **Yep, Muder teaches the manners and gives me sweets when I's good! She real nice-"**

 **"** **we don't have a mother papyrus, who is this person you're talking about?"**

 _It can't be the lady who runs the store here in Snowdin, Papyrus always calls her the cinnabun lady…_

 _Who the hell…?_

It bothered Sans that someone, ANYONE, would take it upon themselves to look after his little brother..especially with the rumors about him still flying around. So far Papyrus had scared or killed everyone off in the lab and the grieving families and terrified survivors made it known all over the Underground. His brother was on his best behavior with the rabbit family, but everyone else learned to avoid him a long time ago as dogs in Snowdin disappeared and the puzzles in Hotland begun to mysteriously malfunction due to baby toys being shoved between the gears.

 _Who would want to risk their life taking care of a baby that isn't even theirs?_

The jumping platform puzzles sometimes sent monsters who used them hurling into the lava where their dust couldn't even be collected, causing most monsters who couldn't survive such temperatures to try and find an alternate route to work or school. Protests against his brother had been common for a long time until finally the king gathered everyone in the Underground and said something that turned Sans' soul to ice.

* * *

 **"** **Okay child, apologize to all the people now and make sure to tell them you won't be bad anymore,"** said Asgore lifting the baby bones up to the mic.

 **"** **I's not a child, I's a baby!"**

 **"** **Oh dear, my mistake, heh heh ha. You're so intelligent I sometimes forget you're just an infant!"**

 **"** **Babies aren't stupid, YOU'S stupid!"**

 **"** **c'mon bro…"**

 **"** **Just tell your lie Papyrus so we can all go home."**

 **"** **!"**

* * *

 _Asgore knows Papyrus can make people believe his lies, but he's a guy! He can't BE a mother!_

 **"** **The purple lady big Buther! She a classy lassy!"**

 **"** **purple..lady…?"**

 _I don't know anyone like that…_

 **"** **h-how come i've never met her bro?"**

 _If this person's real, they're a freaking psycho._

 **"** **She only take care of babies. Mamma spidies don't look after children and she likes to cook big people's into doughnuts-"**

 **"** **Sans can I talk to you a minute alone please?"**

 **"** **Hey! I's talkin' over here!"**

 **"** **I'm sorry dear, but this is important. Can you look after the baby alone for a minute or two?"**

 **"** **you're leaving your baby with papyrus?!"**

 _Holy crap that's a bad idea, what the hell?!_

 **"** **It's VERY IMPORTANT Sans."**

 **"** **uh, okay…"**

The mother rabbit led Sans upstairs to the second floor of the inn.

 **"** **is this about the purple-lady?"**

 **"** **Yes it is,"** said the mother rabbit quietly. **"You said you don't have a mother and your father sounds…"**

 **"** **like a prick."**

 **"** **Yes."**

 **"** **okay, so?"**

 **"** **So it's common for children to have imaginary friends when they're lonely, and your brother may be pretending to have a mother because he doesn't like his father."**

 **"** **ohhhh!"**

 _I didn't think of that!_

 _That's kinda sad actually…_

 **"** **I think it'd be best to just let him pretend, okay? We don't want him to feel unloved, especially with all these horrible rumors around! My husband I'm ashamed to say, was a part of the war against skeletons and there are a lot of people here who still don't-"**

 **"** **huh?"**

 **"** **What?"**

 **"** **what war? what are you talking about?"**

 _Oh dear._

 **"** **Um, never mind darling! Just look after your brother alright? He needs your love and support."**

 **"** **yes ma'm. i'll try my best."**

 **"** ***Sigh*"** The mother rabbit pet Sans affectionately on the head. **"You're such a good boy Sans, I wish more people were like you. Listen, if you ever need to talk-"**

 **"** **i'll be fine. it's not as bad as pappy makes it sound, dad's just a smartass, he doesn't put us in cages or anything, heh."**

 **"** **Oh good, I was worried for a bit! We don't want you or your brother growing up to be crazy sociopaths do we? Heh heh ha ha ha!"**

 **"…"**

 **"** **Well let's go back downstairs before your brother takes to kidnapping. *giggle* I think he might want a baby of his own~"**

 **"** **well i can't help him with that, unless you wanna do me a favor."**

 **"…** **.."**

 **"** **i'm sorry."**

 **"…** **Don't worry child, keep practicing. You're Comic Sans, you'll be funny someday I just know it!"**

 _Ow._

 ** _"_** ** _NO BABY, DON'T EAT DA' SCARF! I COOKS YOU FOR BREAKFAST!"_**

 **"** **Go get him please, and remember what I said about taking care of your brother."**

 **"** **yes ma'm, i'll take good care of him, i promise."**

Sans went back downstairs.

 **"THEY'S EATIN' MAH SCARF SNAS!"**

 **"maybe they need a pacifier pap-"**

 **"Hey lady, get yo' baby a gaga or I's gonna tell Daddy you's not muder mater-ri-al!"**

 **"E-Excuse me...?"**

 **"Daddy likes you good inn lady! He say you's a hot tamale and he wants to marry you!"**

 **"..."**

 **"h-hey bro, let's go get something to eat huh?"**

 **"I's not hungry."**

 **"alrighty, i'll just go to grillby's myself then i guess..."**

 **"NOOOO! THERE'S DOODY DOGS IN THERE!"**

 **"What's your father's name...?"**

 **"it's not important, pap's just-"**

 **"Gaster. W.D. Gaster. He lives at da' lab and he thirrrrrstyyyyy..."**

 **"we're leaving. thanks for having us ma'm-"**

 **"NOOOOOOOOO!"**


	17. Don't Cross These Bones

**"….can i help you bro?"**

 **"Nope, I's just admiring yo' burger."**

Sans looked down at his lunch. **"it IS a pretty nice burger, isn't it?"**

 **"Yep, it look real tasty to da' baby…"  
**

 **"yeah..it is."**

 _What's this about?_

 **"Any baby wit a burger like dat would be awful lucky. It look like it full of healthy nutrients."**

 _Oh, he wants my burger._

 **"yeah it probably is pretty healthy, it's got lettuce in it, so…"  
**

 **"You know, is important to make sure babies grow big and dat means giving them lots of nutrients. I reads it in a book, so is true. I gots to eat lots of health stuff so I can get big and get the sparklies for you…"  
**

 **"yep, can't reach the stars if you're short that's for sure,"** said Sans taking another bite.

 **"It'd be awful nice of you if you gave dat burger to da' baby…"**

 **"is that right?"  
**

 **"uh huh!"  
**

 **"mm."  
**

 **"….."  
**

 **"…"  
**

 **"…..Give me yo' sandwich Snas,"** said Papyrus frowning.

 **"that's not how you ask for things papyrus."  
**

 **"I wasn't asking. Give me yo' food."  
**

 **"that's impolite papyrus."  
**

 **"GIMME!"  
**

 **"no."  
**

 **"DO IT OR I'S GONNA CRY!"** The baby bones sung his fists down on the table angrily, making a loud thumping sound that echoed throughout the lab, but unfortunately for him, Sans was unaffected. The older Font was getting more than a little tired of his baby brother's attitude as of late. Papyrus was getting more temperamental and rude as the days went by and Gaster didn't seem interested in trying to do anything about it.

Not that Sans was surprised.

 **"you're gonna cry huh? what a surprise. well i hope you know how to swim cause' oceans are preeetty deep lil' bro."**

 **"DADDYYYY! SNAS IS BEING MEAN TO DA' BABY!"  
**

 **"dad's wearing headphones, he can't do shit. go eat a poptart,"** said Sans swallowing.

 **"I WANTS A SANDWICH!"  
**

 **"well too damn bad, this is mine you friggen' deadbeat-"  
**

 **"NYEHHHHHHHH!"  
**

 **"whine on kiddo, you're not getting my food."  
**

 **"NYEHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
**

 **"i don't know why you're bothering anyway, like i said, dad's got his headphones in and he's listening to one of your crappy metal bands. you know he does that while he works to drown out your screaming-"  
**

 **"THEN I GO GET SOMEONE ELSE!"  
**

 **"there's no one else left pap! and even if there were, they don't like you!"  
**

 _Maybe this little lesson will get you to be nicer to people._

 _If Dad doesn't wanna be a parent, then I'LL raise ya' you little brat._

 **"I DON'T LIKE YOU!"  
**

 **"kay'."  
**

 **"ERRRNNNNNN!"  
**

 **"*munch* *munch*"  
**

Papyrus pouted for a few minutes at the table before finally speaking again in a small voice. **"…..Can baby please has a widdle piece? I let you sniffs my head…"  
**

 **"….alright, but you gotta remember your manners in the future ya' hear me?"  
**

 **"*Sniff* Yeah…"  
**

Sans broke off a little piece of his sandwich.

 **"…"  
**

 **"*pfft!* what's wrong pap? you look unhappy!"**

 **"…."  
**

 **"HA HA HA HA HA! oh man, you look soooo mad right now *snrk!*, i can only IMAGINE what must be going through your head-"  
**

 **"No you can't."  
**

 **"heh heh ha ha ha ha! hold up hold up, lemme take a picture real quick! ha ha ha ha! you look like mr. burns! i swear to god you look just like him! remember that old guy from the simpsons?"**

 **"….."  
**

 **"okay lil' bro! now smile and say 'excellent!'"** exclaimed Sans holding up his phone. **  
**

Papyrus got down from his chair and left the table.

 **"aww! c'mon pap, it was just a jo-"  
**

 **"You will regret."**

 **"heh heh hee hee, okay temmie-"**

 **"I'm serious."**

 **"..."**

"BOYS, GET YOUR SHOES ON, WE'RE GOING TO THE SCIENCE FAIR!"

Both brothers jolted in surprise upon hearing Gaster from down the hall.

 **"DON'T STARTLE DA' BABY!"**

 **"huh, i didn't think we were going there today..."** said Sans sadly. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and got down from the table, struggling not to cry.

In the past, Gaster would help Sans to build something neat for the fair and he would compete against the other adults there. Sometimes Sans even won and he'd feel proud of himself, like he was the smartest kid in the Underground..but that was before he lost his font.

 _Before I became useless._

 **"why are we going to the fair dad? we didn't make anything..."**

"Why don't you ask your brother? Or better yet, why don't you ask one of my other assistants?"

 **"uhh..."**

"Oh wait, you can't BECAUSE THEY'RE EITHER DEAD OR WORKING SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

 **"Dat's sad. These hoes ain't royal, huh Daddy?"**

 **"royal..?"**

"He means 'loyal' just ignore him, he's being a smartass-"

 **"I's not a smartass, I's a baby!"** exclaimed Papyrus throwing his hands up in the air.

 **"well why do WE have to go?"**

"Because I don't feel comfortable leaving you two alone in my Lab with all my things, THAT'S why."

The small skeleton frowned, but got his shoes along with his brother's.

 **"Tie my shoe's Snas! My widdle fingers be retarded..."**

Tieing his brother's shoes, he held his hand and teleported to the fair.

 **"Wowie, look at all da' big people Snas!"** said Baby Papyrus running into the dining area of the Resort where the fair was being held.

 **"y-yep, there sure are a lot of them. science fairs are pretty cool huh bro? you can actually buy some of the stuff here if you want..."**

Science fair projects lined the tables atop the stage in a neat little row, each with an adult standing near ready to give an explanation..except for one.

 **"GASP!* Look Snas!"** exclaimed Papyrus pointing at a small yellow dinosaur-looking monster. **"Is Baby Bop!"**

Sans looked over to where his brother was pointing and frowned. **"that's not baby bop little bro, baby bop is green."**

 _Who's that kid? I've never seen her before..._

 **"No, dat's definitely Baby Bop. She got dat pastic surgery big Buther so she blend in with the normal peoples."**

 **"is that right?"**

 **"Yep! She gotted tired of the spotlight and left the Barney Show. People kept trying to steal her blankey cause' she famous."**

 _How come no one's with her? Shouldn't her parents be nearby?_

 _Did they leave her all alone so they could talk to the other scientists?_

The yellow dinosaur looked straight ahead nervously as the monsters around the fair checked out the other projects, purposely skipping her stand.

Sans knew what that felt like. A lot of the adults at the fair were full of themselves and didn't take HIS projects seriously either when he tried entering without Gaster. Some would even walk up to his stand and ask complex questions about his invention in hopes of making him look or feel stupid. The worse ones though were those who'd stop by his stand and ask him about his parent's whereabouts.

Why was he standing up there alone?

Was he trying to pretend HE made this project?

Was he watching the stand for his mommy or daddy?

 **"*sniff*"**

 **"Nyeh? Why you cry big Buther? You wants an aw-doe-gaff? Aw-toe-gaff..aw-dee-gwaff…?"**

 **"it's nothing pap, don't worry about it."  
**

 **"Aw-toe-calf."  
**

 **"These are slippers little girl, what are you trying to pull?!"  
**

Sans wiped his eyes and looked up to see one of the adults at the yellow girl's stand glaring down at her. They were dressed like a scientist, white coat and all; a sure sign that this person wanted people to think he was important.

 _This guy is trouble._

 **"Uh..no no! The-the-they're not just any slippers, they let you w-walk on snow and run just as fast as you would with them off!"** explained the dinosaur quickly, stammering over her words.

 **"Yeah right, I bet you just found them at the Dump or something. A REAL scientist wouldn't make a wearable invention pink, if people are meant to wear it then it should be a unisex color."**

 **"Um-emm…"  
**

 **"why can't boys AND girls wear pink?"** asked Sans climbing on top the stage. **"i'm a boy and i like pink..how much are these slippers miss? my little bro is really fast-"  
**

 **"Excuse me child, we were in the middle of a conversation-"  
**

 **"well what i have to say is more important so why don't you _slip_ -per away while the REAL grown-ups talk business?"  
**

The little girl smiled at him. **"Thank you…"  
**

 _Oh wow her eyes are all watery. If I hadn't said something she would of started crying right in front of this jerkoff._

 **"Who do you think you-oh wait, you're that skeleton nobody likes aren't you?"  
**

The kid comedian shook his head. **"no, no he's down there,"** said Sans pointing to his brother.

 **"Aw-toe-bots."**

 **"so about those slippers…?"  
**

 **"You can have them for free. They're a prototype, but they wouldn't be on display if they didn't work. M-My name's Alphys by the way..if you're interested."** The child lifted the sides of her faded yellow dress and did an awkward curtsy. **  
**

**"i'm sans, sans the skeleton-"  
**

 **"Well obviously,"** muttered the adult, his arms crossed.

 _Is he still here?_

 **"hey buddy, this conversation is between a and b, see your way out would ya'? you're bugging the lady."  
**

 **"Heh heh ha ha!"  
**

 **"Your jokes are terrible and so are your manners. Besides, aren't you a little small to be telling people what to do? Why don't you take that evil baby imp of yours and go home? Nobody wants you here; this fair is for adults, it's not some amateur showing you'd find at your school filled with fake volcanoes and silly potato batteries, this is REAL science-"**

 **"is that a midget joke? because that's not cool dude."**

 **"Nice try, but I'm smart enough to tell an adult from a snot-nosed little brat regardless of whether or not they're wearing a striped shirt. Shouldn't you be at home watching Blue's Clues?"  
**

 **"HEY, YOU WEAVE MAH BIG BUTHER ALONE! I KICKS YOU IN DA'** ** _NUTS!"_ ** yelled Papyrus, kicking his leg in the air to prove his point.

 **"I'm not afraid of you OR your worthless brother. Gaster told me about you-"  
**

 **"Then you better get out our FACE or Imma tell eryone you's being mean to Snas and Baby Bop, and then you's gonna get in trouble!"**

 **"…Who?"  
**

 **"And just what kind of trouble am I going to get into exactly? Am I going to get a time-out? Maybe a spanking..?"  
**

 **"You's gonna get jumped! Imma cry real loud and eryone gonna hate you. They gonna say 'poor Baby Pappy, why Bill Nye being mean to the skelly baby? We should beat him up!' Then theys gonna jump yoooou!"  
**

 **"Wh-"  
**

 **"Like a bounce house."** The baby bones did a couple of squats smiling at nothing while the monster looked on in confusion. **"We's gonna bounce on your big stink head and go to da' moon."**

 **"You-"  
**

 **"Then we builds a dustman cause' there be no snow there."  
**

 **"….Are you done?"  
**

 **"Woo-dolf da' red nose wayne deer, had a very shiny nose..he try to help da' bay-bee, but the baby had no snow-"**

 **"….I'm leaving."  
**

 **"All of the udder wayne deer, used to waff and call him names..but baby got those basters, he sent them all to early graves!"  
**

The adult walked away from Sans and Alphys shaking his head.

 **"way to go baby bro!"  
**

 **"Then one fosty-"**

 **"shut up."  
**

 **"kay'."**

 **"heh heh ha ha! Your brother sure is..something, heh..."**

 **"yeah he-*sigh*papyrus, what are you doing _now?"_**

 **"…"  
**

 **"you're not planning on going after that guy are you? just let it go okay?"  
**

 **"Aw-toe-taff."**

 _Oh, he's still trying to figure out how to pronounce autograph._

 **"never mind pap, so i can really just have these alphys?"**

 **"Yeah, It's the l-least I could do..after you, after you helped me…"  
**

 **"look, you don't owe me anything, i was glad to help."  
**

 **"Still…"  
**

Unbeknownst to the two children, Papyrus slipped out of the dining area.

He already knew how to say autograph.


	18. The Pink Fairy

" **You gots da' goo Snas?"**

" **yep, sure do lil' bro. what're we doing with this again..?"**

" **We gots to put up help wanted posters all over town cause' dumb douche Jerry made me lose my job as the tooth fairy. She still on vacation and doesn't know baby's been weighed off so-"**

" **who's the tooth fairy?"**

 _I feel like I've heard that name somewhere before…_

" ***Sigh* I keeps TELLIN' you Snas!"** said Papyrus exasperated. " **She's da' fairy that takes the toothies! Why I learns to talk if you's not gonna listen?!"**

" **you were BORN talking papyrus-"**

" **Shut it up and gives baby da' goo, I needs it for gwitter."**

" **watch your tone, also glitter..? where are we gonna find freaking** _ **glitter**_ **? unless you know an actual fairy, i'm pretty sure you're outta luck there lil' bro…"**

" **I DO knows a another fairy and I knows where they live too! I heard-ed Daddy talking bout' them wit da' king."**

Sans looked at his brother curiously. " **for real? there's a real fairy down here?"**

 _No way…_

It was true the Underground was full of various monsters of many types, but there were some that simply didn't exist anywhere but in story books. Vampires, witches, mummies, and other such things were all make-believe…weren't they?

 _We haven't explored the entire Underground yet. Maybe fairies DO exist…_

" **They lives in Waterfall by the ghostie-house. Daddy complained on da' phone cause' he didn't want to make something for them. He lazy like you big Buther!"**

" **wow a real fairy…"** said Sans, not really paying attention.

 _Pap is a liar, but he wouldn't go through all this trouble unless there was something in it for him. Maybe this whole tooth fairy thing is an excuse to visit his fairy friend…_

" **You gots to help wit the goo cause' my widdle hands is too weak to squeeze da' bottle and my udder hands too strong and they make too much goo come out the top-"**

" **is she hot?"**

" **Nyeh?"**

" **the fairy, is she hot?"**

"… **.."**

" **what?"**

"… **..You see dis? Dis right here? Dis why no one love you cept' the baby Snas."**

" **what'd i say?!"**

" **You's not allowed to go wit me no more, you's gonna em-bare-ass…"**

" **whatever you bossy little prick, i'll go wherever i want!"**

 _Who the hell does he think he is?!_

" **Don't you scu dis up for me Snas, I's working hard over here!"**

" **again, like i said, WHATEVER. you said waterfall right? bet i get there faster than you!"** exclaimed Sans teleporting away.

 _I'll get the freaking glitter MYSELF!_

" **Yeah, I bets you gets yelled at too,"** muttered Papyrus beginning to draw a house on his blank sheet of paper.

 _SCRIBBLE.._

 _SCRIBBLE…SCRIBBLE…_

" **Stupid, stink Buther, pissing me off…when baby wants a burger, you GIVES baby a burger. I fuks up your whole DAY!"**

* * *

 _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_

Sans knocked on the door three times in quick succession, his excitement already causing his anger to dissipate.

 **"heh-hello...?"**

 **"Good moooooor** _ **NING!"**_ A pink ghost with an uncomfortably wide grin and loud voice suddenly threw open their door violently and greeted Sans in a sing-song manner causing the small skeleton to fall over backwards in surprise.

 **"UGH! WHAT THE HELL MAN?!"**

 **"Introducing the most famous and beloved face in the Underground-"**

 **"hey dude are you gonna apologize? you scared the hell outta me!"**

 **"HAPSTABLOOOOK!"**

 **"i only have one hp pal, what if i had hurt myself?! you won't be signing too many autographs in prison, DICK!"** said Sans getting up and brushing the wet dirt of Waterfall from his hindquarters.

 **"And what's your name, my tiny friend?"**

 _Tiny?!_

 **"wow, you are hitting ALL the wrong notes with me buddy...it's almost impressive actually how quickly you've made me wanna punch you in the face."**

 **"Of course darling, EVERYTHING I do is impressive! You're looking at the Underground's most talented monster and future star!"** Hapstablook struck a pose, still keeping their unsettling grin.

 _Why are all Pap's friends violent freaks?_

 **"so are you the roommate of that fairy papyrus told me about?"**

 **"Oh you know Pappy?! Of course, of course you do, what am I talking about? Heh heh ha ha ha! You're his big brother right? The one who wears basketball shorts even though you don't play? They're very fashionable darling, don't let ANYBODY tell you what you can and can't wear-"**

 **"yeah oka-"**

 **"By the way your little brother is ADORABLE!"**

 **"THE FAIRY. i just want to talk to the fairy about borrowing some glitter."** Sans rubbed his skull in an attempt to rid himself of the headache the energetic ghost had caused, but it didn't go away. He didn't care about seeing the fairy anymore.

 _But I can't return empty-handed, Pap will laugh at me..._

 **"Fairy? In my house? Ha ha ha ha, there's n-hm..actually fairies are pretty small aren't they? Perhaps I DO have a freeloader living with me..."**

 **"so you don't even know if they exist? fantastic."**

 **"Fear not, Sans right? Fear not Sans! Hapstablook never forgets who his friends are! I just so happen to have a bottle right..here!"** said Hapstablook handing Sans a small tube of pink glitter from his shelf. **"It's always good to have some ready if you feel your entrance is lacking a bit of pizzazz. Your talent will only get you so far without help, but help in general is so hard to find these days, everyone is just so self-** _ **absorbed!"**_

 **"'he' huh? okay...okay i think i see what's going on here. thanks for the glitter, you've been a big help,"** grumbled the comedian.

 **"Of course sweetie! Remember to stay fabulous and do say hi to Papyrus for me?"**

Sans nodded and teleported back home.

 **"Hellowe big Buther, did you gets da' gwitter?"**

 **"sure did,"** said Sans emptying the contents of the bottle on Papyrus's head. **"enjoy baby bro."**

 **"Ooooh! Mah jammies all sparkly!"**

 **"..."**

 **"Tank you big Buther, you's so nice to da' ba-"**

 **"fuck you."**


	19. Dat's a Gross Baby

**"woah!"**

 **"Nyeh heh heh!"  
**

 **"heh, what's this for lil' bro?"** asked Sans surprised.

 **"Dis for you Snas! A small hug from a cute baby, cause' I loves you!"  
**

 **"aww, that's swee-get your hand out of my pocket."  
**

 **"Nyeh?"  
**

 **"don't 'nyeh' me, get your hand out of my pocket. i left my money at home anyway…"  
**

 **"I doesn't know what you's talkin' bout' Snas..baby just likes yo' hoodie!"** said Papyrus snuggling into the fabric.

 **"yeah okay, i totally believe you."  
**

 **"Is too! Is warm and fluffy like you big Buther! When I gets widdle again, I's gonna sweep in your rib-cage…"**

 **"what?! ew, no!"**

 **"Just like da' old days…"**

 **"the hell you are!"**

 _Creepy little bastard!_

 _Hold on, is that where he's sleeping?! I know I'm hard to wake up, but damn!_

 **"I feels all safe and warm in there, and your soul be a good night light too! Is perfect for da' baby!"**

 **"so's your crib."**

 **"But I gets lonely all by myselves…"** said Papyrus quietly. **"and m **y cwib too widdle for yo' big ass!** "**

The last part wasn't as quiet.

Several monsters turned to look at them curiously, wanting to know what the baby bones was going on about, but not being brave enough to approach the brothers.

 **"Is bigger than your future big Buther, nyeh hee hee!"**

 **"language bro, also fuck you."  
**

 **"I gots to hold onto one of your ribs sometimes so I doesn't sink into the bed wit your butt!"  
**

 **"sideways papyrus…sideways with the biggest brick you can find."  
**

 **"Nyeh heh ha ha ha ha!"  
**

Baby was so lucky to have a cuddly, sometimes funny, big brother…

 **"You makes my day, eryday Snas! When I gets big, I's gonna carry YOU around erywhere and keeps YOU safe!"  
**

 **"heh, looking forward to it kiddo,"** said Sans smiling. **"you ready to go home?"**

 **"Yeah..I's a sweepy bae..."**

 **"alright then, grab on."**

Sans teleported back home and put his brother in his crib who in turn, fell right to sleep.

 _Paps sure has been sleeping a lot lately, I hope he's okay._

 _It's not like him to sleep in plain sight either..not that there's anyone left to threaten him._

Climbing into bed, he pulled the covers over himself and quickly joined his brother in slumber, his troubled thoughts drifting from his mind.

* * *

 _ **"NEYHHHHHHHHHH! NYEH-HAHHHHHHHH!"**_

 **"ermmm..uh…"** Sans turned over and scrunched up in his bed in an instinctive attempt to somehow block out the noise that had woken him up.

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHH! NYEHHHHHAHHHH!"_**

 **"ugh..b-bro?"  
**

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHHHH!"  
_**

 **"*yawn* c'mon lil' bro..i know babies are supposed to cry at random times, but can it wait until i wake up? it's seven in the morning…"  
**

 ** _"SAAAAAANNNNS! SA-HAAANNNNS!"_  
**

 _Huh? Did he just say Sans..?_

 _ **"SAAAAAANNNNS!"**  
_

 _Yeah he did, somethings wrong.  
_

 **"bro?! pappy, what's going on?!"** Sans scrambled out of bed and rushed over to the screaming baby bones crib in a panic.

 **"*GASP!*"  
**

Papyrus lay in his crib covered in orange ectoplasm, crying his frightened little eyes out. Various bones lay beside him, a few having fallen out through the bars.

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHHH! HELP DA' BAY-BEEEEE! NYEHHHHHHHHHHH!"_**

 **"heh heh heh, hang in there kiddo, i gotcha."** Carefully, Sans lifted his brother up, being careful to support his now fragile skull in order to avoid snapping the baby's neck. Papyrus had shrunk a considerable size and from the looks of it he could barely move his hands.

 _Looks like he finally grew out of his bones._

 _Geeze that took forever, he's gonna be tall as hell!_

 **"*Sniff* Nyerrnnn…Sa-ans…"  
**

 **"shhh…it's okay pap. you're okay, big bro's here,"** said the older skeleton rubbing Papyrus's back soothingly.

 **"I can't move…"**

 **"i know, your ectoplasm isn't hard enough to support your new bones yet. i'm so proud of you pap. look! look at all those bones you grew out of!** " said Sans picking up a small bone and handed it to Papyrus. **"you're getting to be a big boy pap!"**

Papyrus closed his tiny fist around the bone with great difficulty and practiced wagging it back and forth. **"Oooohh!"**

 **"you're so tiny! look how small you are!"  
**

 **"Nyeh heh ha ha! I's smaller then yo' head big Buther!"  
**

 **"you sure are! let's go show da-don't do that pap."**

 **"BLAH! Dis** ** _nasty!"_ ** said Papyrus spitting the orange ectoplasm out of his mouth. **"Why you give yucky stuff to the baby?!"**

 **"i didn't say put the bone in your mouth you friggen' weirdo! don't wipe your tongue off on my hoodie, what's wrong with you?!"**

 **"It taste like the fish lady's ears…"  
**

 **"don't-don't lick undyne's fins bro..that's really gross."  
**

 **"Is slimey and wubbery-"  
**

 **"stop."  
**

Sans took his brother into the bathroom and turned on the facet in the sink, waiting for it to get warm.

 _I need to start getting up early so I can get him to exercise his plasm, if I don't it'll harden too much and he may not be able to move ever again. I need to make sure it stays flexible so he can move his limbs or he'll wind up a statue!_

 **"Imma put dis stuff in Daddy's coffee!"  
**

 **"huh? oh, oh yeah?"  
**

 **"Yeah! He gonna dwink it and he gonna be like 'why my coffee taste like doggy snot?' then he gonna look in his cup and sa-"  
**

 **"and say 'damn it sans, why weren't you watching him? he's YOUR responsibility! give me your books, you're not allowed to read them for a week!"  
**

 **"He bedder not! I kicks him in da' FACE!"  
**

 **"how you gonna do that when you can't move pap?"** asked Sans laughing. **"you and me are gonna be practicing crawling and walking to make sure your ectoplasm grows strong and flexible! we're gonna get up early everyday and train you like that boxer human in that old movie we found!"  
**

 **"Why you's so excited bout' exercise-HEY! GET YO' CWEEP HANDS OFF MAH JAMMIES!"  
** yelled Papyrus attempting to kick his legs, unfortunately though they weren't strong enough to move yet.

 **"you need a bath baby bro,"** said Sans wearily, unzipping Papyrus's sticky onesie.

 _Why's he so suspicious of me?! Is this just a running gag he likes to pull or...?_

 **"NO! DAAAAAADYYYYYY! SNAS BE CWEEPING ON DA' BABY AGAIIIN!"**

 **"i'm not."  
**

 **"HE AFTER MAH TINY HINEY DADDY! SAVE DA' BABY!"  
**

 **"there we go, now i just put this..somewhere…"  
**

 _Should I put his onesie in the hamper? It might stick to it or the other clothes in his ectoplasm hardens…_

 **"Enjoy yo'self while you can big stink Buther, vengeance will be mine."**

Sans ignored his brother and wet the nearby wash cloth with warm water.

 **"Dis will be remembered and you's gonna be all KINDS of sorr-oohhhh! Dat's warm water!"**

 **"of course it's warm water, you're supposed to use warm water…is dad giving you cold baths?!"**

 **"I like dis! Is nice…"**

 _Cheap bastard, he WOULD try to save time like that, p_ _oor Pappy…_

Papyrus smiled and closed his eyes as Sans gently washed his skull and arms, cooing happily.

 **"you're so cute papyrus, if you want i could give you baths instead of dad…"**

 _Cold baths CAN'T be healthy for him._

 **"Nyeh hee hee hee! I loves you good Snas, you's so nice to the baby…"**

 **"i love you too pap-"  
**

 **"You can go lower if you wants…"  
**

 **"uhhh…"  
**

 **"Riiiiight here…!"**

 **"GUH!"**

Sans pulled his hand away and quickly shut off the water, wrapping Papyrus up in a towel.

 **"what the hell papyrus?! creepy little freak!"**

 **"What?! You's SUPPOSED to wash baby erywhere so I doesn't get sick! You doesn't want your cute widdle buther to get sick do you?"**

 _….I need to invent brain shampoo._

 **"I won't tell nobody Snas. You can be EXTRA nice to da' baby if you wants…"**

 **"you're making me uncomfortable,"** said Sans rushing back to the nursery.

 _I REALLY hope he doesn't get taller than me. I can definitely see myself getting a restraining order before adulthood._

 **"Oh yeah! Since my cwib be full of baby goo, dat means I gets to sweep wit you now right?"  
**

 **"wrong."  
**

Sans made a bed out of Papyrus's toy chest and placed his brother inside.

 **"Why you gots to pay wit my widdle heart Snas? I gots feelings ya' know?"**

Sans closed the lid.

 ** _"YOU'S GONNA BE SORRY WHEN YOU'S LONELY!"_**

Sans went to sleep.


	20. Playing Pretend

**"you got this bro!"  
**

 **"Nyeh heh heh! Look at me go Snas! Imma win a diaper derby!"**

 **"a what?"  
**

 **"A diaper derby. Is a race where babies crawl to da' finish line! Is cool cause' they not skelly babies like me. It take them forever to weach da' end!"**

 _That-that's seriously a thing…?_

 **"Those babies dumb as hell big Buther! They drool on da' racetrack-"**

 **"are you for real? do people really race babies?"  
**

Sans had never heard of such a thing though something in his mind said that it prooobably wasn't legal.

 **"Yep! All the mommy's and daddy's try to get the dumb babies attention wit toys and food so they move faster, then they wins a tophy."**

 **"a trophy huh? do they win anything useful?"**

 _Trophies are so stupid. Why does everyone want one?_

 **"I doesn't know, nobody take me to diaper derbies,"** said Papyrus sadly. **"I just watch till someone win and make bets wit Jerry…"**

It was true. No one took Papyrus to the races OR tried to enter him in one. It would be nice to feel adored like the other babies for once, but Daddy would never agree to it and Papyrus doubted that Sans would be allowed to enter him since he was a child and not a mommy or daddy.

 **"do you want me to enter you in one?"**

 **"You might not be allowed cause' you's still widdle."  
**

 **"so? we could still try, it'd be good exercise and you might get something good!"  
**

 _Bro deserves a reward for working so hard._

 **"I gets a golden gaga? Or a gas baby bottle?"  
**

 **"why would you want a glass baby bottle OR a gold pacifier?"  
**

 **"Stweet cred."  
**

 **"…"  
**

 **"Imma do my thing and get dat bling Snas!"  
**

 **"whatever you say baby bro,"** said Sans laughing. **"let's work hard until the next one comes around kay'?"  
**

 **"Nyeh heh heh heh! I's gonna be champion of da' babies!"** cheered the tiny skeleton happily.

Papyrus was so lucky to have such a nice big brother.

 _CA-THINK!_

"Sans, did you finish Papyrus's exercise like I told you to?" asked Gaster after opening the door to the nursery.

 **"Why you no knock? We coulda' been doing sexy tings in here!"**

 **"..."**

"Sans?"

 **"wh-uh yeah, yeah we just finished his crawling practice."**

 **"Imma be a car."**

 _ **"shh!"**_

"Hm?"

 **"nothing dad, we weren't going that fast. he's exaggerating."**

 **"...?"**

 _I can't let Dad know about the diaper derby. He's gotten so paranoid about Pap's bone safety, he'd NEVER allow him to compete..._

"Ah, well I certainly hope not. Looking after your brother is your whole purpose, if anything happens to him..."

 **"you can leave now."**

"..."

Gaster left the room.

 **"..."**

 **"Is okay Snas, baby will potect you! Imma get big and then YOU'LL be da' baby!"**

 **"heh, thanks bro."**

 **"I's gonna fix yo' bottle and makes you a cwib-"**

 **"uhh..."**

 **"And we's gonna play the peek-a-boo and Imma put aira-planes in your mouth!"**

 **"you're-heh heh ha ha ha! you're gonna feed me baby bro?"** Sans imagined himself in a highchair with Papyrus feeding him with a smile.

 _Doesn't sound too bad a life!_

 **"Yep, I's gonna go 'here come da' aira-plane Snas! Open yo' mouth and eat the peoples!'"** Papyrus made a swinging motion with his hand, pretending to hold a spoon.

 _Okay, now it does._

 **"there's no people in the airplane pap-"**

 **"And when we has da' green beans I's gonna split them all for you!"**

 **"i'm gonna regret asking this,"** replied Sans looking confused. **"but.. _why?"_**

 **"Cause' canoes don't got's roofs silly billy!"**

 _What?_

 **"I likes to pwetend dat the tiny beans are peoples and the green part is da' canoe and I swallows them whole like a whale!"**

Sans laughed, thoroughly amused. **"oh yeah? you like making little villages in your tummy pappy?"**

 **"Nyeh?"**

 **"little villages with huts! that's what people do when they get stranded on a desert island, they build shelters and gather food..."**

 **"..."**

 **"what's that look for?"**

 **"Is for you, there be somethin wrong wit your brain Snas...why you want peoples in yo' belly?"**

 **"heh, i'm just playing pap, i don't really do that. i actually like to pretend my broccoli are little trees-"**

 **"Why you wanna eat _twees?!"_**

 **"i don't, i'm just pretending bro."**

 **"Why you want to PWETEND to eat twees?"**

 **"i jus-uh, well, well why do you want to eat people pap?"** asked Sans nervously.

 _That's not weird is it?_

 _Pretending your broccoli are trees?_

 **"You feeds me da' aira-planes! Also da' canoe peoples be poachers and the peoples on the aira-plane be terror-ists...fweak."**

 **"i'm not a freak!"**

 **"You's a fweak Snas, and I'm telling eryone you eats wood,"** said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

 **"you better not."**

 _Little asshole baby..._

 **"Why you gots to munch twees big Buther? Doody dogs pee on them and peoples need those twees for fires!"**

 **"I DON'T EAT TREES."**

 **"Imma tell eryone you's eatin' people's wood-"**

 **"and i'll kick your little ass."**

 **"I's gonna tell eryone you like da' taste of doggy pee."**

 **"SHUT UP PAPYRUS."**

 **"You shu up, twee muncher! Nyeh heh heh!"**

 **"*sigh* okay baby bro, i think it's time for a nap, what do you think?"**

 **"I thinks you bedder stay way from mah cwib while I's sweeping,"** said Papyrus crawling into his toy chest. **"When's you gonna cween my room anyway? You doesn't aspect me to weave these toys all over da' floor forever do you? Dat's how babies twip and break their widdle heads!"**

 **i'm not gonna eat your crib,"** replied Sans climbing into his own bed. **"and I DAMN sure ain't cleaning your room for you-"**

 **"You GOTS to pick up mah toys big Buther! I's just a baby ya' know? I can't do's it by myselves..."**

 **"liar. besides, some of these are mine and i don't want to pick them up. right now i know where everything is-"**

 **"Nuh-uh! These MAH toys Snas, you doesn't even pay wit them no mores!"**

 **"i use the crayons..."**

 **"Not well...unless you only likes to draw wee-wees. You know dat's why da' fish lady don't pay here right? Is cause' you cover our walls wit wee-wee pics..."**

 **"THEY'RE SPACESHIPS AND THEY'RE _GOOD!"_**

 _CA-THINK!_

"Sans?! Sans, what are you screaming about?! Is your brother alright?!"

 **"NOT FOR LONG! TELL THIS LITTLE DICKWEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT MY SPACESHIP PICS!"**

Sans was really proud of his pictures, he had drawings all over his room of spaceships and each one of them was special. He didn't just draw them on a whim, he waited until his birthday to do his best picture of the same ship every year so he could watch himself improve. Some of them were unrecognizable, but seeing them and then looking at the others gave him a warm feeling in his soul as they were physical proof that he was growing up.

Not that Papyrus would understand.

Gaster glanced at the drawings on the nursery's wall. "Is that what these are?" He asked, scratching his skull thoughtfully. "Well, if you say so. This is actually a good thing, not the drawings I mean, those are horrible. It's the fact that they're SUPPOSED to be spaceships, for the longest time I truly thought you had a problem-"

 _ **"GET OUTTA MY ROOM!"**_

"...You're very temperamental today, Sans," said Gaster closing the door once again.

Hopefully he wouldn't be coming back for awhile.

 _CA-THUNK!_

 **"*sigh*"**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"...Is you mad at the baby Snas?"** asked Papyrus peeking out of his toy chest.

 **"..."**

 **"I feels like you might be mad at da' baby."**

 **"leave me alone."**

Papyrus crawled out of his makeshift crib and used his wingdings to hover over to his older brother, planting a kiss on his cheekbone.

 _CLACK!_

 **"Is okay big Buther, baby can't draw either. I makes da' squigglies-"**

 **"dad used to say my drawings were good,"** whispered Sans, tears forming in his eye sockets. **"he used to say i had a career as an artist if the whole comedic thing didn't work out..guess that was a lie too huh? *sniff*"** The comedian wiped the stinging tears from his eyes, but they just wouldn't stop coming.

Why couldn't he have a nice dad? One that didn't pick on him all the time?

Why did his father hate him so much? What did Sans even _do?_

 _He was laughing at me the whole time..my drawings are trash, he's not proud of me. He was NEVER proud of me or anything I did, he's as big a liar as Pap. I wish I hadn't said anything about that house in Snowdin..I could've run away and lived there by myse-_

 **"...Oh, oh NOW I sees it! Dat IS a spaceship! I's just too widdle to see the windows from far way."**

 **"*hic* hm...?"**

 **"Yep, dat's a spaceship if baby ever saw one! They all over the pace!"**

 **"shut up pap."**

 **"No weally! There be...a lot of red ones,"** said the baby bones shifting uncomfortably.

 **"hm?"**

 **"Why they all have to be red?"**

Sans looked at all his drawings and slowly began to smile.

 _Oh my god..they ARE all red..._

 **"heh heh heh...heh heh ha ha ha ha ha!"**

 **"Nyeh? Snas? Snas why you waffing all a sudden? Dat IS red, I knows mah cuhweres!"**

 _ **"ha ha ha ha ha ha! oh, oh wow! ha ha ha ha ha ha!"**_

 **"** **Big Buther?"**

 **"they are all red aren't they baby bro? _every single one of them!"_**

 **"Nyeh, nyehhhhh..."**

 _Oh crap!_

 **"shh shh shh shh, it's okay! i'm okay pappy, heh heh heh!"**

 _CLACK!_

 **"i laugh at weird times, you know that,"** said Sans drawing his brother into a hug and kissing his forehead.

 **"Is still cweepy dough..."**

 **"creepy like my dick pics?"**

 **"They spaceships..."**

 **"nope, these are dicks. i didn't see it before, but i do now that you mentioned the color. these are absolutely dicks."**

 **"No."**

 **"yep! dicks everywhere."**

 **"NO!"**

 **"dicks for days."**

 **"NO DICKS!"**

 **"dicks till doomsday."**

 _ **"DADDYYYYY!"**_

 _CA-THINK!_

"Papyrus?! Papyrus what's wrong?!"

 **"Snas eating people's wood."**

 **"..."**

"..."

 **"Snas like da' taste of doggy pee..."**

"..."

CA-THUNK!


	21. You're Like, Totally Too Loud, Brah!

" **okay baby bro, now we have to be real quiet-"**

" **Why Daddy sweeping in da' office Snas?"** asked Papyrus clutching his brother's hoodie. **"Don't he gots a big people's bed?"**

" **ssshhhh, we gotta be quiet i said!"** replied Sans, glaring down at his younger brother.

 _Does he even KNOW how to be quiet?_

" **Don't shush me muder fucker, I bake dis bottle and cut you wit da' broken pieces-"**

" **do you wanna stay home or do you wanna go to the diaper derby? cause' i'm not dealing with your crap today, papyrus."**

" **Daaaamn, I's just** _ **kidding**_ **big Buther, this bottle be pastic-"**

"*Snort* Hm, mm..?"

Sans covered his brother's mouth and held his breath fearfully as Gaster stirred in his sleep slightly. The royal scientist made a few noises, but luckily he didn't seem to do anything more.

 _If Dad catches us, he'll put me in stasis for a WEEK!_

 _Even if Pap bails me out, I'll still lose my books and get a skull-full of lectures._

" **i'm not gonna tell you again bro, be quiet until we get outside.** _ **"**_

" **Kay'."** Papyrus stuck his hand into the comedian's hoodie and pulled out his pacifier, promptly stuffing it into his APPARENTLY loud mouth, frowning at the wall across from him.

His older brother needed to look up the word "Pacifier" in the dictionary it seemed.

"Zzzzz..."

Taking a deep breath, Sans picked up the baby bones and dashed for the exit, wishing his tiny load were strong enough to walk.

 _If Papyrus's ectoplasm were strong enough we could just meet up at the derby later, but..._

Although Papyrus had his wingding's, using them made the baby bones tired after awhile and they were slow. It didn't help that the derby was all the way in Snowdin either...

 _Pappy gets tired these days just from his crawling practice, there's no way he can do the race after carrying himself such a long way._

The skeletal child sighed in relief once they were outside the lab, smiling down at his baby brother proudly. **"we made it pap!"**

" ***POMP!* Yay,"** said the baby unenthusiasticly, popping his pacifier back in his mouth.

" ***sigh* look, i'm sorry i wasn't too nice back there. i just didn't want to get caught-"**

" **Why we no teleport then? Why we sneak like Solid Snake?"**

 _God, he is always interrupting me._

" **cause' it would scare the other babies if i just appeared out of nowhere, we don't want to get in trouble with the judges. people already don't like you, they may not even let us enter."**

" **Then blow them."**

" **wh-what?"**

" **Blow them all up to Jesus! Then Jesus can teach them how to treat sweet babies such as myselves."**

 _Oh, that's what he meant._

" **iiiii don't think that'll work lil' bro,"** chuckled Sans.

" **He will teach them da' error of their ways big Buther,"** said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

" **i'm sure he would, but then who would judge you down here?"**

" **Is a race."**

" **yeah, but they also judge you on your-oh..oh shit..."**

 _I forgot to make bro a diaper!_

" **Is okay Snas, baby got dis,"** said Papyrus smacking his rear several times. There was a scrunchy sound, as if he were wearing a diaper.

" **where the HELL did you find a diaper?! it wasn't from the** _ **dump**_ **was it?!"**

 _Oh god..._

" **No stink head, those gots doody in them. I puts pastic bags in my jammies-"**

" **they're gonna wanna SEE your diaper though bro so they can judge which one looks better."**

" **Daz nasty,"** said Papyrus scrunching up his face the best a skelly baby could. **"If they wanna see baby butt, they can go finds Honey Boo Boo, baby don't pay dat."**

" **they just want to see the patterns on the diapers pap, they-they aren't being perverts,"** said Sans pinching the space between his eyes.

 _Who the hell is Honey Boo Boo?_

" **If they ask to see the pattern, I do dis,"** Papyrus stuck up his middle finger. **"Dis what the pattern look like, dis right here,"** said the baby bones smiling.

"... **i don't think they'll find that as funny as you do bro."**

" **Nyeh heh hee hee hee!"**

 **"Alright everyone, we need you to form two lines,"** shouted Asgore into a megaphone.

 **"Is funny cause' I's a baby..."**

 **"Those of you with infants that wear diapers please stand over here in line A and those who don't and/or can't wear them over there in line B, please make sure you register in the right line, thank you."**

Despite the good news, Sans couldn't help but wince as the giant monster's voice boomed throughout the cavern. Seems he was saving the Underground's generator-powered electricity for more important gatherings. Not surprising as the comedian heard that they had run into a problem whilst mining magic crystals in the Old City, apparently they'd accidentally unearthed some poisonous gases beneath the mountain and it was not only making mining difficult, but also dangerous as it was spreading.

Rumor had it, the king was considering shutting down the mine entirely.

 _That sucks, we need those crystals to power the generators or we won't have any electricity._ _We don't have any wax for candles either...are we gonna have to use torches and carry them wherever we go?_

 **"Wowie big Buther, dat's some good news if baby ever heard it!"**

 **"hu-huh? sorry pap, what'd you say?"**

 **"*Sigh* You gots to learn to focus Snas, we gots to get our heads in da' game or we's gonna lose ya' know?"**

 **"really? and who's gonna beat the smartest baby in the underground? i bet half these little guys don't even know where they are, you're worrying too much-"**

 **"Dat cock attitude gonna make us lose! Don't you remember there be a black baby here?! They good at da' athletics-"**

 **"do NOT embarrass me today bro, i don't want to hear a thing about anyone's culture while we're here or i'll take you home."**

 **"I's talking bout' DNA, stink head."**

 **"well don't, let's just get in line and register without any problems, kay' kiddo?"**

 **"Mnyeh!"** Papyrus stuck his tongue out and put his pacifier back into his mouth smiling.

 ** _"OH MY GOOOOD!_ ARE WE SERIOUSLY _JUST_ GETTING IN LINE?!"**

Sans tilted his head from behind a monster in red, to see a large purple cat rolling his eyes whilst carrying a small, equally purple, kitten. Apparently the brothers weren't as late as Sans had originally thought...

 **"This is taking, like, FOREVER, man! We'd better win a good amount of money for this, I'm totally supposed to be manning the shop today,"** continued the cat, obviously not finished with his complaint.

 **"Mew!"** The kitten in his arms piped up in agreement, though not entirely sure of what her father had just said.

 **"Awww! Look at da' kitty-baby Snas!"** said Papyrus pointing ahead. **"Is cuuuuute!"**

The monster in the red dress turned around. **"Psh! My girl's like, totally cuter, little dude,"** he said, pointing to the tiny alligator strapped to his chest.

The baby gator put her fist in her giant, sharp-toothed mouth, gurgling happily. **"Acroo..."**

 **"Um, ex-SCUSE you? Brah, my girl's got, like, the softest fur in the Underground."**

 _Oh boy..._

 **"Yeah? Well, mine's got a killer-DUUUUUDE! I totally didn't even _SEE_ you in front of me!"**

 _Huh?_

Sans looked on in confusion as the two monsters smiled brightly and bumped fists in greeting. Apparently, although they were obviously friends, the two men hadn't noticed they were standing next to one another whilst in line.

 **"That's all thanks to my wicked ninja skillz, man. Watched like, seven thousand of that little nerd's "animoo" cartoon crap yesterday. She accidentally left em' while she was babysitting Catty."**

The comedian frowned a bit.

 _Animoo? Does he mean anime?_

 _Alphys watches anime..._

 **"Yeah well, you know what they say..finders-"**

 **"KEEPERS!"**

The two laughed loudly, obviously not caring about whoever else was in line.

 **"um, excuse me...that 'nerd' you were talking about..that wouldn't happen to be alphys, would it?"**

 **"Oh hey, dude, this kid knows Alphys! Yeah man, she babysits for me for like, NOTHING, she's so cool!"**

 _Oh, he meant it in a good way._

 _That's good, it'd suck if Alph was helping out some thieving jerk or something._

 **"Hey brah, *pfft* why're you wearing a dress?"**

 _I should probably tell her she left her videos over at this cat-guy's place..seeing as he probably won't say anything._

 _How cheap do you have to be to borrow stuff from your babysitter?_

 **"I'm in disguise, dude. I'm actually supposed to be watching the shop today-"**

 **"Oh my god, no WAY! _ME TOO!"_**

Sans winced a bit, **"hey, uh, 'dudes..?' some of the babies here are nap-"**

 **"Huh?"**

 **"there's babies-"**

 **"You gotta speak up, kid."**

 **"What, are we, like, being too loud?"**

Sans nodded meekly.

 **"What-EVER!"** yelled Catty's father. **"These babies need to wake up and get _HYPED!"_** He put his daughter down and did some energetic squats to prove his point. **"If ya' wanna be the best, you gotta like, get totally pumped up beforehand ya' know?"**

 **"You're SO right! Here Bratty, lemme put you down so you can get your exercise on."**

The monster in red took the little alligator out of her holder and sat her in the snow next to Catty, who had apparently decided to spend her warm up sniffing a few strands of grass she had found growing out of the otherwise frozen, earth.

 **"*sigh*"**

 _These guys are reminding me WAAAYY too much of Happstablook..._

 **"...Baby would likes to get his exercise on,"** said Papyrus quietly watching the other two enviously.

 **"you already got your exercise toda-"**

 **"Holy crap! Dude, this baby _talks!"_**

 _Oh my god, let ME talk!_

 **"NO WAY! That's SOO rad! I bet its like, a super genius or something!"** exclaimed the cat, putting a hand over his mouth.

 **"Is too, I's the smartest, coolest bae in da' Underground!"** said Papyrus proudly. **"Yo' babies should just kit and go home-"**

 **"AS IF!"**

 **"YEAH! Don't you know cats are like, the FASTEST animals in the whole entire WORLD? Alphys said so."**

 **"papyrus-"**

 **"SO? Dat don't mean they's smart enough to know where they's going! I bet your dumb kitty-baby crawls towards the big person with the most food, cause' she chubby like Snas..."**

 **"pap..!"**

 **"OH MY GOD!"**

 **"*GASP!*"**

 **"DID HE JUST...?!"**

 **"HEEE DID, BRAH!"**

 **"OH, IT'S ON NOW!** _ **IT'S OOON NOW!"**_

 **"why you gotta take your shirt off?"**

 **"COME GET SOME THEN, STINK KITTY-DADDY!"** yelled Papyrus playfully. **"COME GET A PIECE OF DA' BABY, NYEH HEH HEH!"**

 **"papyrus, no!"** _  
_

 _Where's his pacifier go?!_

 **"OH SNAP! OHHHH _SNAP!"_**

 ** _"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"_**

 **"*QEEP!*"** Catty and Bratty jumped at the sound of Asgore's angry, booming voice behind them and immediately began bawling in terror.

 **"WAAAAHHHH!"**

 **"NYEHHHHHAHHHHH!"**

 **"Aww dude..."**

Both parents scooped their children up into their arms and began to rock them back and forth.

 **"What's your problem, man?! You made my kid cry!"** said Catty's father angrily.

 **"What's MY problem? I can hear all the way up-"**

 **"You know there are like, other people in this line right?"** Bratty's father didn't look too happy either. Sans shifted in place uncomfortably. He could almost _feel_ the angry heat generating off of the three grown men in front of him, and as strange as it was..somehow it felt like he and his brother were being squished in the middle of all of it, even though they were behind everyone.

 _I want to go home._

 **"You're being sooo totally rude right now!"**

 **"You-"**

 **"Yeah, just cause' you're king, doesn't mean you can just, totally disrespect others, brah!"**

 **"So true!"**

 _I want to go back to sleep._

 **"Hey, when's the line gonna move anyway? Bratty and I are freezing our tails off!"**

 **"Then you shouldn't be wearing a dre-WHY are you wearing a dress? And why is YOUR shirt off?! There are woman and CHILDREN here, show some dignity!"**

 **"I'm in disguise, dude! My wife won't recognize me in this-"**

 **"YOU'RE A GIANT LIZARD, and if your wife wanted to enter the Diaper Derby, SHE'D have your child, not you!"**

 **"Brah, he's an alligator."**

 **"No no no, see, I told her Bratty was _missing._ Now she's looking all over the place for her-"**

 **"Wha-WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"** asked Asgore, horrified.

 **"Oh my god, would you like, let me TALK for a second? Geeze..."**

 **"It's so she wouldn't be at the shop right? Oh my god I like, did the SAME thing this morning!"**

 **"*GASP* NO WAY!"**

 _ **"I TOTALLY DID!"**_

The two men laughed hysterically while the king rubbed his face with both hands, already exhausted.

If there was anyone he despised being around, it was these two. They were loud, obnoxious, and had more complaints than he could count. They had a habit of working together to hatch get-rich-quick plans and unfortunately not only were they sometimes good, but he really couldn't blame them for trying either.

The Underground was accumulating more and more homeless and jobless people as the years went by. There simply wasn't enough resources to go around and with the mine having to close, life was only going to get harder..especially for those with children. More than a few monsters had already turned to thievery in order to survive, and it was particularly bad near where THESE two lived.

 _Still...entering your children in a race so you'll earn more money after betting AGAINST them?_

 _My word..._

Asgore was almost POSITIVE that's what they were doing, and worrying their wives made it TEN times worse.

 **"wow, you two are messed up."**

 **"Yes, yes they are. Thank you Sans, I'm glad there's at least ONE person down here who hasn't smashed their moral compass to pieces."**

 **"Dat kitty-baby cry like I do..."**

 **"thanks, sir."**

 _Such a polite young man._

 **"STOP COPYING ME, KITTY-BABY!"**

 **"You're very welcome child, though I'm afraid you're in the wrong line. This area is for people planning to ENTER the race."**

 **"i know! i'm entering my little bro actually. he's smart, but he's still a baby, so it should be legal right?"**

 **"W-Well yes, but Sans, don't you think it's a bit..unfair for your brother to take part?"  
**

 **"no, thanks for telling us about the table by the way! we got here pretty late, or at least i THOUGHT we did."**

 _Polite and seven._

 _Very, very seven._

 **"Once again, you're welcome. I'm sorry to have frightened you, children."**

 **"are you talking to us or them?"** asked Sans looking towards the two still laughing parents.

 **"All of you."**

 **"Dat's okay, you didn't scare THIS baby, Fluffy-Beard!"** said Papyrus proudly pointing to himself.

 **"bro!"**

 **"That's KING Fluffy-Beard, chil-I mean, baby."**

 **"Oh yeah? Well dat's PAPYRUS to you, king Fluffy-Beard! Only da' hunnies can call baby baby."**

 **"Oh dear, my mistake! Ho ho ho ho!"**

Everyone aside from Sans, laughed at the infant's adorable retort, including the other babies, though they knew not what everyone else was laughing about. Afterwards, Asgore returned to the front of the line, grinning and having almost forgotten about asking the two shopkeepers to lower their voices.

 _Such wonderful children..._

 _I hope they win._

 **"Oomph! Oh! Oh dear, please excuse m-"**

"Where are they?!" Interrupted a certain irate monster.

 **"Pardon?"**

"My SONS. Where are they?!"

 **"Ahh..I take it Sans and Papyrus aren't supposed to be out today?"**

Gaster pushed past Asgore, FAR too impatient for pleasantries, manners, or even a proper answer.

 _Sans knows better._

 _He knows if Papyrus's ectoplasm is injured during this stage of life it'll be permanent and yet he enters him in a race, despite me forbidding anything strenuous._

"Enters him behind my _BACK!"_

 _ **25**_

"UGH!" The scientist cried out as he was hit and knocked to the ground. _"WHO DID THAT?! WHO HAD THE GUMPTION TO ATTACK ME?!"_

Looking up, he saw a small rabbit in a striped shirt glaring viciously down at him.

 **"YOU'RE SCREAMING RIGHT NEXT TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S EARS, IDIOT!"** Screamed the child, red in the face. **"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"**

 _Oh no...was this the shopkeep's son or...?_

 **"Oh, Mr. Wingdings!"**

A very familiar rabbit hurriedly bent down to help him up, propping her baby in one arm and pulling him to his feet with the other...much to his disappointment.

To be honest, he would have preferred to have her son stomp him into the earth rather than deal with _her_ again, but today it seemed conversing was unavoidable.

 **"*Sigh* Good morning ma'am."**

 **"Child, what have I told you about attacking other people?!"**

 **"'Find a reason to knock him down and I'll give you 80g?'"**

 **"I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"**

Gaster rolled his eyes.

 _Yeah, of course you didn't._

 **"I'm so sorry Mr. Wingdings-"**

"Professor."

 **"PROFESSOR Wingdings, my son can be so rude sometimes-"**

 **"You told me to knock him down!"**

 **"I'm sure it's from lack of a proper father figure-"**

 **"You said, 'if you see a skeleton in a lab coat, find a reason to knock him down and I'll give you 80g.'"**

 **"That never came out of my mouth, young man and I'll thank you to stop lying-"**

 **"I'M NOT LYING!"**

"Have you seen my boys ma'am?" asked Gaster, interrupting the increasingly annoying conversation.

 **"I'm afraid not..oh dear, they haven't gone missing too have they? A friend of mine from the Resort area said HER friend's child had also gone missing and then she showed up at my door later in _tears_ and told me the same thing happened with her little Bratty!"**

 _A kidnapper?_

 _In the Underground..?_

 _Nonsense._

"Worry not, Mrs...Inkeeper-"

 **"It's-"**

"It's fine. Even if someone IS going around stealing children, they've no where to run and they can't afford to take care of four little ones."

 _People these days can barely take care of themselves._

"The fact that it happened today of all days suggests that the culprit merely wants to enter as many children as they can so they can win...whatever the prize is for this thing. Your friend's brat will most likely be returned after the derby."

 _Unless they hate children as much as I do._

 _..._

 _Did someone_ _actually_ _manage to destroy my creations? I've gotten rid of most of the labs security to conserve power and I KNOW there are still monsters down here that don't like Fonts..._

 **"Bratty."**

"Hm?"

 **"I wasn't calling my friend's child a brat, she named her baby Bratty."**

"Ah, well, as unfortunate as that is, I really don't have time to chat," said Gaster surveying the line behind her. A loud pair of monsters, one of which wearing a red dress, stood out immediately as they were the only parents whose infants were crawling around in the snow without a leash of any sort.

 **"Perhaps I can help you look for your boys then? You spend so much time in that lab of yours, you must be as lonely as I am..."**

"Nope."

 _Not enough to introduce three new problems into my life._

"I already have a great deal of work I need to get done. My ability to multitask is extraordinary, but even _I_ have a finite number of hands. Perhaps you should find someone with a job that isn't so demanding to help you look after your chil-"

Gaster stopped mid-sentence upon seeing Papyrus crawl into view.

 _"THERE YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE SPAWN OF SATAN!"_

The baby bones didn't seem to hear him, most likely due to all the monsters in front of him muttering about the length of the line and unusually long wait. As Gaster neared his sons, he saw Sans sitting on in the snow frowning at his younger brother.

 **"Psst! Hey, hey gator-baby!"**

 **"papyrus..."**

Bratty ignored Papyrus, instead deciding to eat more of Catty's hair. She turned her head however, when the skeletal infant patted her on the shoulder.

 **"You smells like baby formula."**

 **"c'mon bro-"**

 **"Baby formula and failure."**

Bratty smiled and wagged her tail, her mouth still filled with black strands of hair.

 **"I hopes you lose da' race gator-baby. I hopes you slip on yo' drool and fall on your big stink face,"** whispered Papyrus, smiling back.

 **"i am THIS close to taking you home."**

 **"I didn't do nothin' dough..."** said the baby continuing to whisper.

 **"papyrus i can HEAR you..and i can see your te-."**

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

The two boys jumped in surprise and looked up to see their father towering over them, angry and red in the face.

 **"I's talking da' trash!"**

"Be quiet Papyrus! Sans, take your brother and go home, I'll handle him."

 **"han..wait, what..?"**

 ** _"HEY DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!"_** Bratty's father cried out as he was pushed roughly out of the line and into a snow poff.

"THOSE ARE _MY_ CHILDREN, YOU WRETCHED LITTLE GUTTER SNIPE! HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM ME?!"

It took Sans a moment or two to snap out of his stupor and understand the situation.

 _Oh...right. If these two's wives are looking everywhere for their "kidnapped" babies, then the whole Underground must of heard about it too, including Dad._

 **"I DIDN'T STEAL _NOTHIN',_ BRAH!"**

"THEN WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT?"

 **"I'M IN DISGUISE!"**

Quickly, Sans scanned the snow with his eyes for his brother's pacifier, hoping to find it and make a getaway before their father was corrected. It seemed however, that no one was interested in doing anything to help the poor alligator in red, they simply kept their backs turned as if he never existed.

"YOU'RE IN DISGUISE BECAUSE YOU'RE A CRIMINAL! YOU KIDNAPPED MY SONS AND TRIED TO MAKE MONEY OFF THEM! DON'T LIE TO ME, I _KNOW_ WHO YOU TWO ARE!"

 _Stupid, stealing, lying, gross pieces of TRASH!_

 _"YOU STOLE MY BABY RIGHT OUT OF HIS CRIB WHEN SANS WASN'T LOOKING, I KNOW IT! YOU STOLE HIM AND MADE SANS COME WITH YOU TO THIS..THIS **PURGATORY** OF DIAPERS!" _ yelled Gaster accusingly.

 **"okay kiddo, i think it's time we skedaddled,"** said Sans, wiping the pacifier off on his shirt.

 **"Don't put dat in my mouth, Snas..."**

 _"I'LL HAVE YOU BOTH ARRESTED, DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL MAKE SURE YOU SPEND THE NEXT TEN YEARS PLAYING HACKY SACK IN PRISON!"_

 **"it's fine bro-"**

 **"You put dat in mah mouth we's both gonna cry,"** warned the baby, holding up a finger.

 **"fine, whatever, let's just go."**

 **"Grab the pies first."**

 **"what? no! we're not stealing the prize, we don't even know what or where it is!"** said Sans walking away from the scene.

 **"Then we takes a bawoon."**

 **"we're not doing that either, they aren't ours and you'll pop it."**

 **"NO!"**

 **"you'll pop it, or you'll lose it."**

 **"Nuh-uh! I needs it to fly, so I's gonna take good care of it."**

 **"no."**

 **"I's gonna fly like the tweet birds and scour da' area-"**

 **"no."**

 **"Then baby swoops down and scoops up da' grand pies!"**

 **"again, no. we're not doing that. we're going home and hiding under the bed."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"...Imma gets a bawoon whiles you's sweepin'."**

 **"knock yourself out."**

 **"Baby knock YOU out."**

 **"you wanna crawl home?"**

 **"No, I wants a bawoo-"**

 _POMP!_

Sans popped the pacifier back into Papyrus's mouth.


	22. Baking With Da' Baby

**"** **uhh, bro?"**

 _CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH!_

Sans watched as his tiny brother ate through the packet of hard noodles ferociously as if he were a wood chipper, unsure of what to do.

 **"** **Nyehm, nyehm, nyehm, nyehm, nyehm!"**

 **"** **hey, pap?"**

 **"** **Nyem-nyeh?"** Papyrus stopped chomping. **"What you want, Snas? I's gettin' the nutrition over here!"**

 **"** **i can see that…but don't you think you'd get better 'nutrients' if the spaghetti was, you know, cooked..?"**

 _Why's he eating it raw this time? That's freaking weird!_

 _…_

 _Though not as weird as him actually boiling it by himself._

 **"** **Daddy can't cook da' sgetti for the baby, cause' da' oven be broked!"** exclaimed the baby bones pointing to the stove. **"Is broken like my heart, big Buther…"**

 **"** **you don't use the oven part for spaghetti, pappy."**

 **"** **Dat's cause' it BROKEN, damn…"** said the infant continuing to eat.

Sometimes Papyrus wondered…why did his brother have such a big head if his brain was so small?

Testing the oven in concern, Sans frowned in confusion. It seemed to be fine…the light wasn't broken, the oven itself turned on without incident, and even the clock was in working order…

 **"** **seems fine to me, bro. how's it broken? what'd you do to it?"**

 **"** **I didn't do nothing, stink head! Why you gots to blame baby for erything?"** asked the baby bones taking another bite out of his bundle of noodles.

Sans didn't answer, the older skeleton opened the oven door to find a small blue mass lying on a baking sheet. Taking a large spoon, he poked it warily, hoping it wasn't alive.

 _Welp, it's not biting the spoon, so I guess it's just a failed dish or something. It doesn't look too dangerous, but it smells kinda…off._

 _Oh crap, Papyrus didn't put any of Dad's chemicals in here did he?!_

 **"** **uh-oh."**

 **"** **Uh-oh is right, big Buther. I's trying to bake you a cake cause' I's nice like dat, but then the oven fuk it up!"**

 **"** **did you use any of dad's chemicals? because those are** ** _poisonous-"_**

 **"** **Nooo! I use-ed the boo pay dough cause' it was pre-"**

 ** _"_** ** _heh heh ha ha ha ha!"_**

 **"…** **."**

 **"…** **sorry, *pfft!* go ahead."**

 _Oh my god._

 **"…** **I use-ed some boo pay dough cause' it was pretty and it smelled reeeeal good, but when I tried to bake da' dough, it got hard and depressing-"**

 ** _"_** ** _ha ha ha ha ha ha!"_**

 **"** **Nyeh? Why you waff? You can't eats yo' food, so now you don't gets any cake! Chubby bunnies love da' cake…"**

 **"** **heh heh ha ha ha! i'm not…ha ha ha, i'm not** ** _chubby,_** **pap!"** exclaimed Sans, struggling to catch his breath.

 _He seriously tried to BAKE play dough…? For real?_

 _What makes him think I'd eat anything made from ingredients he got at the Dump anyway?_

 **"** **Yes you are, you's VERY chubby. You chubby as hell, big Buther! You's tons of fun in the bun, son!"**

 **"** **heh heh ha ha, we-well, you're DUMB as hell! didn't you read the container? you don't EAT play dough, papyrus,"** said Sans trying to hold back another laughing fit.

 **"** **Yeah I know..cause' is dough. You's supposed to cooks it first-"**

 **"** **HA HA HA HA HA HA!"**

Sans cracked up all over again as the baby bones frowned and crawled away, the comedians laughter following him all the way down the hall.

 ** _"_** ** _HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"_**

 **"** **Ungrateful dumbass…he don't deserve mah cake…YOU'S FULL OF** ** _SUCK_** **SNAS!"**

Still..he really wanted to make that cake...

Maybe the dough wasn't working right because it had been floating in a river for too long...?

Papyrus crawled all the way to Gaster's chemical room, hoping to find something that could make the solid blue lump of play dough soft again. According to Jerry, chemicals made everything better...

Looking up towards the table, the infant saw a number of glass beakers, all filled with various liquids. He didn't know which chemicals he needed, but surely SOMETHING would work, if he could just carry it to the kitchen that is...unfortunately he had an issue with his wingdings where he would accidentally grip things too hard, and today was no different.

 _CRISH!_

 _CRISH!_

 _CRISH!_

The bottles he chose all shattered on the table, one by one. He managed to get only a single bottle _off_ of the table and into his tiny hands, but after seeing that it smelled like peaches, Papyrus promptly dropped it, allowing the sweet smelling liquid to flow all over the floor and soak the bottom half of his onesie.

Cakes weren't supposed to smell like peaches! Everybody knew that!

Peaches were healthy, cakes were not.

The baby would have to chalk this culinary experiment up to a loss it seemed.

Disappointed, he crawled back to the nursery and pulled on his brother's bed covers.

 **"** **Hey Snas, SNAS!"**

 **"** ***yawn* what is it bro?"**

 **"** **Look what I can do."**

 **"** ***sigh* that's great pap,"** said Sans drowsily.

 **"** **You doesn't sound like you think is great."**

 **"** **can't this wait until AFTER the crack of noon?"**

 _Why's he gotta wake me up so early all the time?_

 **"** **NO! Paise da' baby, or I's gonna get the low self-esteem when I gets big!"**

 **"** ***yawn*"**

 **"** **I's gonna get the low self-esteem and then I's gonna grow up to be a serial killer-"**

 **"** **pap-"**

 **"** **And then nobody will have any cereal and it'll be all yo' fault big Buther, cause' you's ne-glect-ful."**

Was Sans SERIOUS? He was just up a few minutes ago! Babies needed attention and positive reinforcement or they wouldn't be a good person when they got big...

 **"** **i'm not gonna praise you for sticking your dirty smelly feet in your mouth."** Sans turned over in bed and pulled the blanket over his head, hoping to somehow drown the baby bones out, but unfortunately, his brother was in a chatty mood today.

 **"** **Mah feets not dirty stink head, and they doesn't smell bad either!"**

 **"** **papyruuuus…lemme sleeeep!"**

 **"** **They smells like peaches big Buther…"**

"That would be the cyclosarin," said Gaster entering the nursery. "Come, leave your brother alone and follow me to the Medical Wing."

 **"** **NO! I want to pay wit Snas-"**

"You can play with him after your checkup, now move."

 **"** **Why I needs a stink checkup?!"**

"Because you've been crawling around in cyclosarin."

 **"** **Baby had a checkup yeserday, today I pays wit Snas."**

"Noooo, today you get a checkup because you ingested a highly flammable liquid," said Gaster, picking up the baby bones.

 **"** **Why you gotta cap in my fru loops, dawg?"**

"I'm not *sigh* I'm not 'crapping in your fruit loops-'"

 **"** **YOU CAP IN MAH FRU LOOPS!"**

Gaster ignored him and upon reaching the Medical Wing, picked the nearest room and sat Papyrus down on the examination table. The infant immediately began crinkling the paper, bouncing on the mat with his rear end whilst the scientist poured a few liters of Tracer fluid into a bottle.

A cup would have been smaller and much easier to use measurement wise, but he knew Papyrus would reject it. Babies only drank from bottles and so Papyrus would always do the same, regardless of what was in it.

 _It's a good thing he accepts it without the top…hopefully this isn't too much…_

The Tracer fluid would make it easier for him to see the baby's ectoplasm and scan it for irregularities, but he'd have to get Papyrus to drink it first, which was always annoying.

"Okay Papyrus, now drink the Tracer fluid and hold still plea-"

 **"** **What dat fluid for? Is glowy as hell! Nyeh heh heh!"**

"You KNOW what it's for, we have this conversation every time you ingest something you shouldn't…which is practically everyday, because you won't stay away from the Dump like I asked you to."

 **"** **Daaaamn Daddy, I's just a baby! I can't remember stuff good cause' I's widdle…"**

"Drink the fluid."

 **"** **Is not like I's lacking the edge-jew-ma-cation…"**

"Drink the fluid."

 **"** **But mah baby-brain can't hold all my mamories-"**

"Memories."

 **"** **Mini-wheats, cause' my big ol' head still not big enough. It gots a soft spot on it too-"**

"Don't poke that."

 **"** **You gots to fix it Daddy! You gots to get me a new head for my growing brain or is gonna come out my eyes and nose-"**

"Drink the fluid."

 **"** **Then I's gonna get the headaches cause' mah brain gonna be smooshed and I's gonna cry, but no tears will be able to get out!"**

"DRINK THE FLUID."

 **"** **My tears gonna go down my tiny throat and make me drown, Daddy! I NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION!"**

"Your medical attention is right here, drink the fluid."

Papyrus sniffed the cup, suspicious of the strange faintly glowing liquid inside. **"What dis paint be?"**

"It's not paint, it's Tracer-"

 **"** **Why you gots to feed me paint? You tryin' to get baby high? We gonna get high and paint a rainbow?"**

"IT'S NOT PAINT."

 **"** **Nyeh? What it be then? Is glowy snot? Gives it to Snas-"**

"IT'S TRACER!"

 **"** **Kay'."**

"*Sigh*"

 **"** **What it do?"**

"Its small radioactive properties should cause the ectoplasm in your bones to glow once ingested and absorbed. Humans use it to find tumors and to-"

 **"** **DANCE!"**

"I beg your pardon?"

 _I am NOT dancing for you._

 **"** **They uses it to dance in da' dark! I seens it! They drinks the paint and then they shakes what their mommies gave em'!"**

 _Oh, that's what he meant._

"Pl-Please don't twerk on the table Papyrus, it's dangerous."

 **"** **I'S GONNA BE PART OF DA' BOO MAN GROUP!"** exclaimed Papyrus. gulping down the liquid excitedly. It wasn't long however, until he promptly spit it back up, drenching the front of his orange onesie in radioactive liquid.

 **"** **Oooooh! Now my jammies gonna glow…"**

"Nooo, NOW they're going in the wash-"

 **"** **I want to show Snas my glow jammies."**

"Absolutely not, his font is unstable and we don't need a repeat of Hiroshima-don't-don't spread that on the wall-"

 **"** **Dis gonna fix my head?"**

"Sure, sure it will," lied the scientist, examining Papyrus's ectoplasm through an portable ex-ray slide. Everything seemed to be in order, thankfully. He would however, have to make it a point not to allow the baby bones outside for awhile where the temperatures were MUCH hotter.

Not that he was suppose to leave anyway.

If he did, there was a chance that Papyrus's ectoplasm would catch flame from the heat build-up within his bones.

 _Now all I have to do is give the little Horror a bath._

 **"** **Dis gonna make me like Deadmau5?"**

"Yes, you'll be EXACTLY like Dead Mouse, now hold sti-"

 **"** **Cause' I don't like Deadmau5."**

"…"

 **"** **Also you spelled-did it wrong."**

"…"

 **"** **You's lucky I noticed you's lying about the mouse, or you'd need tissues for da' issues I'd be causing…"**

Gaster ignored him and filled the nearby sink with water.

 **"…** **Dis gonna make me like Jack-in-da'-box? The big person dat look like a clown and sells the fast food?"**

"…"

 **"** **Cause' I don't like him neither."**

"Let me know when you're done, yes?"

 **"** **Jack the one that be done, somebody cutted him in half!"**

"Mm-hm."

 **"** **IS TOO! I founds a rainbow box at da' Dump with a handle…and when I turn-id the handle dat one song that goes do do dee do do started paying…"**

"…"

 **"** **Then when the song was getting to the good part, half da' Jack came out! It scare Snas reeeal bad-"**

"Sans isn't suppose to be at the Dump."

 **"** **Well he was, and I'll tells you another thing about Snas…"**

"No thanks, you're all clean so you can go now."

 **"** **Is important dough!"**

"I highly doubt it."

 **"** **No it is! Is reeeally important."**

"Sans and important don't go together," said Gaster heading back to the nursery at a brisker pace.

Papyrus however, would have none of it.

 **"** **YOU'S GONNA LISTEN OR IMMA DRAW ON YO' PAPERS!"**

"ALRIGHT FINE!" yelled the older skeleton, struggling to maintain his composure. "As. you. wish. What do you need to tell me about Sans that's sooo important?"

 **"…** **I gots to tell you dat Snas' full of puss, but he never gonna get any unless he grow some balls."**

"…Get out of the doorway."

 **"** **You know that glow paint that makes yo' head big? I needs you to put dat on Sans in two paces-"**

 _CA-THUNK!_

Gaster closed the door and locked it behind him.

 **"** **YOU GOTS TO HELP SNAS GROW SOME BALLS OR I'S GONNA TELL DA' KING YOU'S A POOR SCIENTIST!"**

 **"…** **what?"**


	23. Working Hard or Hardly Working?

_CICK, CICK!_

Papyrus's tiny hand tapped against the sides of his brother's eye socket as he struggled to grab the small glowing light within. He had been at it since the beginning of their walk towards the multiple power restoration stations, seemingly unaware or unable to comprehend how futile his goal was.

 _CICK CICK CICK!_

" **lemme know when you're done, bro,"** sighed Sans, slightly annoyed. He wasn't at all happy about their little trip, and the tapping was starting to get to him. It was bad enough that he had to replace the drained magic crystals, but the fact that Gaster had ordered him to bring Papyrus along made it worse.

The scientist had noticed that the baby bones crib was still covered in ectoplasm, but unfortunately it was too late to do anything about it. The orange slime had long since hardened and was now impossible to remove, meaning he would have to get a new crib altogether. After lecturing Sans about his "excessive laziness" Gaster decided to punish him by giving the comedian his least favorite job. Apparently he was under the impression that it was SANS' job to clean up after Papyrus, and not his.

 _It's not fair. It's not MY job to get ectoplasm off of PAPYRUS'S crib! He's not MY son!_

" **Nyeh heh heh! You gots some big ol' glow eyes, Snas! Where'd you get those glow eyes? Baby would like some glow eyes..."**

Sans ignored his brother and continued onward through the annoyingly long hallways. It would have been nice if the power stations were closer together, but the volcanic activity in Hotland made underground construction dangerous.

 _CICK CICK CICK!_

" **please stop."**

 _WHY would they dig into a volcano to begin with? I mean, who had that FUCKING idea?_

" **we've a second story with ZERO rooms..."**

" **Nyeh?"** Papyrus looked down at him in confusion. " **You got some glow eyes in a book?"**

" **wh-no. i was thinking about something else,"** sighed Sans wearily.

The baby bones scratched his tiny skull as he tried to figure out his older brother's riddle. What book could Sans have been murmuring about?

The only book Papyrus knew of that could hide things was Peek-a-Boo With Fluffy Bunny, but Sans had always stayed clear of THAT particular piece of literature...

" **A book with no rooms..."**

" **hey pap, didja' hear what i said? i said there IS no book. second story means second floor. i'm talking about the lab."**

" **The glowies on the second floor?"**

" **no-"**

" **They on the second floor in a book?"**

" **NO."**

 _CICK CICK!_

 ***sigh***

" **I can't reach da' glowies, Snas. Help da' baby."**

" **no."**

" **Why not?! You gots two and I don't gots any! You greedy as hell, big Buther!"**

Sans took one of the colored orbs filled with magic crystals and replaced the drained one, starting the second generator in the process.

 _Two down, two more to go..._

" **You's SUPPOSED to teach about sharing, Snas. I's impesshinable, ya' know? I gots to learn to share or I's gonna be a Scroog duck. Ya' know dat duck wit the gold swim pool?**

" **i know who you're talking about."**

" **He gots a cane and a big ol' hat, but no pants."**

" **okay?"**

" **You know why he don't have pants, Snas?"**

" **..."**

" **You know why?"**

" **..."**

" **You know why?"**

" **..."**

" **You know why, big Buther?"**

 _Oh my god._

" **WHY bro,"** asked Sans, struggling to keep his temper. " **WHY doesn't he have pants?"**

" **..."**

" **..."**

" **..."**

" **hello-"**

" **I don't know why, big Buther."**

 _Are you freaking kidding me with this?_

" **you're driving me nuts, pap."**

" **Well I's sorry bout' your nuts, but I thinks mah footure be more important."**

" **keep bothering me and you're not gonna HAVE a future,"** warned Sans, putting in another orb.

 _Three down..._

" **You bedder be nice to me, stink buther!** _ **I's**_ **the one watching over you down here...also dis where I's gonna put some of the sparklies when I gets em'. Is dark as hell!"**

"' **sparklies?' oh right, the stars."**

" **Yep! Some gonna go in yo' room and some gonna be down here. Imma make dis room as bright as your smile! Nyeh heh heh!"**

" **uh..."**

" **Dis the part where you say, 'Awww! Such a nice widdle baby..."**

" **sorry bro, the only word flashing through my mind right now is** _ **gay-"**_

 _"_ _ **YOU GAY!"**_

Sans chuckled as the baby bones frowned down at him from his shoulders. To anyone else, he would have looked like a jerk teasing an infant, but he was more than used to Papyrus's manipulation tactics.

 _It kinda scares me actually...makes me wonder what he'll be like when he grows up. He's obviously going to get smarter..._

 _Maybe this is just a baby bones thing...?_

 _I think the FontSearch said something about them using manipulation as a means of self-defense...about them purposely trying to be as cute as possible so people will protect rather than attack them._

 _CICK CICK CICK!_

The kid comedian looked around in confusion for a few seconds before letting out another annoyed sigh, his brother having pulled him from his thoughts.

 _Wrong turn..._

 _CICK, CICK!_

" **why don't you go watch a movie Papyrus? we found lots of barney videos at the dump yesterday-"**

" **Because the power's out stink head. Also they thow those away for a reason, Snas. They suck."**

" **you suck."**

" **YOU SUCK!"**

"You both suck." The boys both jumped in surprise at the sound of Gaster's voice behind them. "I asked you to restore the power fifteen minutes ago, Sans. WHY is the lab still dim?"

" **because you're still standing in it, genius."**

" **NYEH HEH HA HA HA!"**

"Excuse me?!"

" **i said i'm working on it-"**

"I'm fairly sure that isn't what you said and I'm getting more than a little tired of your sass, Sans."

" **Go way, douche da-"**

"And _YOU_ shut your thumb-sucking mouth!" snapped the scientist. "It's YOUR fault the power ran out so quickly! Have you the slightest _inkling_ how few crystals we have left?"

" **We gots...dis many,"** replied the baby, smiling straight ahead.

"...You didn't raise any fingers."

" **Dat's how many we got."**

"*Sigh*"

 _I can't deal with this..._

" **How come you don't buy more rock stuff, Daddy? How's da' baby supposed to get an ed-jew-ma-cation if the tv don't work?"**

 _I can't DEAL with this right now!_

" **You's awful irra-sponsible-"**

"SHUT UP."

Gaster put his hands over his head as if he were trying to block out Papyrus's voice. He hoped it would signal his oblivious children that he wasn't in the best mood, but instead it only made his eldest concerned.

" **dad...?"** Sans took a step back, wondering if he should put the crystals on the floor and teleport out of the room. His father looked crazy and he was ninety-percent sure that wasn't too far off from the truth.

To be honest, the royal scientist WAS at his wits end. With the mines closing, it was HIS job to find an alternate source of power for the entire Underground, but how was he to do that when he had a vengeful baby bones destroying his progress and/or making it impossible _to_ progress..?

The more things he had to do over again, the more work piled up for the next day. It had gotten to the point where he had more mail from demanding citizens than actual paperwork!

 _WHY?_

 _WHY would he have the microwave, washing machine, AND stasis chamber on ALL AT THE SAME TIME?!_

Multitasking was Gaster's thing, but that didn't mean he enjoyed it. He enjoyed science; he enjoyed learning, inventing new things, achieving what others had already deemed impossible.

Not this.

Not having problems thrown at him like knives toward a dartboard.

Not having a kingdom of ungrateful parasites sucking the knowledge out of him without a second thought.

"GRAH!"

" **hey, dad chill..."**

 _I hate them. I hate them all. They expect me to find a way to destroy the barrier THEY put up, they expect me to fix the gas leak that THEY created, they expect me to find an alternate power source that THEY should have already found as a backup!_

 _"_ _THEY EXPECT ME TO DO EVERYTHING!"_ yelled the scientist, startling his sons once more.

 _It's not worth it. THEY'RE not worth it..._

" **i'm sorry, dad,"** said Sans, looking down at the floor. " **i was thinking about something and took a wrong turn..."**

"THEY DESTROY _MY_ PEOPLE AND EXPECT _ME_ TO GIVE ONE HUNDRED AND SIX PERCENT EVERY. SINGLE. _DAY!"_

" **huh?"**

 _Is he not talking about us?_

 _"_ _BACKSTABBING COWARDS!"_

 _Does he even know we're still here...?_

 _"_ _THEY DESERVE IMPRISONMENT!"_

" **Nyeh..nyehhh..."**

" **hey dad? you're scaring pap."**

Sans reached out to pull his father's sleeve, but Papyrus quickly leaned over and grabbed his own. " **Don't tug Daddy Snas, I sense the danger..."**

" **nahh, it's okay baby bro. i'm pretty sure he's just in his own little world right now. i do this too sometimes."**

" **Daz not good, Snas."**

 _"_ _I'LL BURN THEIR HOUSES DOWN WITH LEMONS!"_

 _"_ _ **..."**_

" **mayyybe we should just keep going."**

" **Kay'."**

Before the two continued on, Papyrus leaned over once more and dropped a Snickers into the front pocket of Gaster's lab coat.

"...Di-Did you just put a candy bar soaked in garbage juice into my pocket?"

" **You's not you when you's hungry."**


	24. Good Lookin' Out!

**"Catch da' baby!"**

 **"papyrus no!"**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"** Ignoring his brother Papyrus leaped from one of the tallest rocks in Waterfall, hitting the water below just inches away from Undyne.

 _SPLASH!_

 **"AHH! DAMN IT PAPYRUS, YOU LITTLE FREAK! YOU ALMOST HIT ME!"**

 **"*Cough Cough* You's SUPPOSE to _catch_ da' baby, stink head!"**

 **"WELL _YOU'RE_ ABOUT TO CATCH THIS SPEAR! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!"**

 **"SORRY UNDYNE!"** called Sans from the top of the rock. He never planned on letting Papyrus jump from such a large height or to even BE on it. He just appeared there randomly as he tried teleporting to Waterfall and his brother apparently thought it was a great chance to scare him and whoever happened to be below them at the time.

 _It's so slippery up here..._

 **"Why you no catch da' baby Fish Lady? Babies can't swim, erybody knows dat! You gots to look after me, otherwise I's gonna drown and die and float down river like a doggy turd-"**

 **"YOU ARE A DOGGY TURD!"**

 **"Noooo, I's a baby."**

 **"YOU'RE A TURD AND YOU _SUCK!"_**

Sans began to carefully climb down the slippery rock whilst the two continued to argue. He knew Undyne wouldn't (or rather couldn't), harm Papyrus seriously, but it was still difficult to concentrate on his footing with her constantly screaming.

There were times when he actually feared her voice would cause a cave-in and he often felt sorry for her mother, but right now the only pity he had was for her.

 _She's so violent and gets angry so easily...I bet she doesn't have too many friends. If she did, she'd probably drop Papyrus like a rock, but right now he's all she's got._

 _She probably knows it too._

 **"You bedder be nice to me Fish Lady. If you doesn't I's gonna be loud and anoxious like you when I gets big!"**

 **"'Anoxious...?' Anox...ob..obnox...obnoxious? OBNOXIOUS?! _DID YOU JUST CALL ME OBNOXIOUS?!"  
_**

 **"chill out undyne, he's just trying to make you mad."**

 ** _"YOU STINKIN' LITTLE PUNK!"_**

 _SPLASH!_

 _SPLASH!_

Undyne reached out to strangle Papyrus, but he quickly summoned his Wingdings, far from surprised. The two wrestled in the water while Sans looked on worriedly, hoping for the best.

He kept telling himself to step in...that stopping the fight was the right and safer thing to do for his brother, but as always he was still. As terrible as it was and made him feel, he found he enjoyed watching his baby brother defend himself so skillfully. It was almost as if the baby bones was BORN to fight, like it was in his DNA.

 _How does he DO that? How does he know where and when she's gonna try to hit him?_

Papyrus sat perfectly balanced on the gaster blaster he had summoned earlier as a flotation device, smacking Undyne's hands away with his Wingdings and smiling the same derpy smile that always seemed to be plastered on his face, even during the worst of situations.

 _He's not even LOOKING at her..._

 ** _"WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?"_**

 _Uh oh._

A monster emerged from the Dump entrance, carrying an armful of junk. **"Hey you two, stop playing in the river; that's our water supply you're splashing in!"**

 **"GET LOST OLD MAN! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! I DO WHAT I WANT!"**

 **"Ugh it's _you,_ "** the monster rolled his eyes. **"Shouldn't you be beating up little kids somewhere? Oh wait you are, my bad."**

 **"Shouldn't you be bench pressing something? Oh wait you CAN'T!"**

 **"you know each other?"**

 **"Yeah, she goes to the same gym as my son and I. She thinks she's hot shit just cuz she beat me ONCE at arm-wrestling-"**

 **"I beat you AND Aaron!"**

 **"You got lucky-"**

 **"*pfft!* why are you challenging little girls to wrestling matches dude?"**

 **"I'm not-"**

 **"Dat's weird,"** said Papyrus frowning. **"Don't pay wit him no more kay' Fish Lady?"**

 **"IT'S ARM-WRESTLING."**

 **"Don't pay wit him no more."**

Aaron's dad glared at the baby bones. **"You're lucky my hands are full."**

 **"You's lucky I don't tell my daddy you's perving on mah fish friend..."**

 **"I'm not afraid of your dad, kid."**

 **"You should be, he strong as hell! Imma tell my daddy and he gonna use da' science and he gonna turn yo' bottom to sushi-"**

 **"What-EVER!"**

 **"Then erybody gonna call you sushi-butt."**

 **"I'LL KICK YOUR DAD'S ASS!"**

 **"dude, what's your problem?!"**

 **"It's the steroids,"** whispered Undyne. **"He gets mad out of nowhere sometimes and gets thrown out of the gym a lot. Aaron said his mom left because of him. She went out for protein shakes and never came back."**

 **"oh jeez..."**

 _He's like an adult Undyne then. Is this her future...?_

 **"I would never take steroids. They're for cheaters and they make your balls small."**

 _ **"WHERE'S YOUR DAD LIVE?! I'LL SMASH HIS HEAD IN!"**  
_

 **"Mine are already super small, like, microscopic; which is good because when people kick me they always miss them, but I don't want em' to disappear completely you know? Cause' I might need them later or something."**

 **"uh huh."** Sans wasn't really listening at this point. He kept thinking about what Undyne might be like as an adult. As far as he knew, Papyrus was her only friend aside from himself. When she got older would she find more friends or...?

 _What if she never does? What if she has to marry Papyrus because no one else likes her?_ _He's not exactly loyal..._

 **"hey undyne..."**

 **"Yeah?"**

 **"i want you to know...if papyrus becomes a player and decides to leave you when you two get married like aarons mom...i'll help you look after the baby."**

 **"..."**

 **"no matter what."**

 **"...Go home Sans."**


	25. They Just Stick to You

**"…the townspeople cheered as the brave knight rode through the streets, the dragon's severed head in tow. the princess was impressed and so was the entire kingdom, not to mention relieved; their fears had finally been put to rest, as the head was proof that dragons were NOT as invincible as they seemed and the kingdom would always have a chance to survive as long as they believed in one another. the knight married the princess and they all lived happily ever after, knowing that if there ever was another giant dragon, there would always be hope if not a hero to save the day. the end."**

Sans yawned loudly and stretched out one of his arms lazily, happy to have finally finished the story. The book was longer than he thought and his joints were now stiff and sore. It would have been nice to lay back and relax in bed while he read, but he decided to avoid it; knowing that if he fell asleep (which he probably would), it would no doubt anger his younger brother.

 **"What about da' people who cween the roads for the horsies?"** asked Papyrus. **"They happy too?"**

 **"huh?"** The older skeleton looked down at him in confusion, unsure of what the baby bones was talking about. **"the what?"**

 **"The street cweeners! If dat knight be riding with a giant head, then is probly bleeding erywhere. I bets the cweening people gotted real rich-"**

 **"there wasn't any mess baby bro,"** said Sans rolling his eyes. **"the dragon bled out before the knight reached the town, see?"** He flipped back to the page with the picture of the knight riding through town and showed it to Papyrus.

 **"Ooooh! Dat horse be strong as hell! How it carry dat head?"**

 **"uh…"**

 **"Is a Peggysus?"**

 **"a pegasus? wh-no, no pap, it's just a regular horse. pegasus have wings."**

 **"Yeah, but maybe it growed out of its wings, like I growed out mah bones…"**

 **"iiii don't think so bro,"** chuckled Sans.

 _He's so cute._

 **"But maybe it did! Maybe the horse think 'I doesn't need these wings no more cause' I's big now and big horsies eat hay stead' of birdies…"**

 **"pegasus don't eat birds!"**

 **"Yeah-huh! They eats the birdies cause' there be no hay in the sky and the earth be a dangerous pace for widdle babies."**

 **"is that right?"**

 **"Yep. They drinks the clouds cause' they be made of water par-ti-cles, and they lives in the sky till their wings fall off. People think they regular horsies, but they super strong and stuff,"** explained the baby, grabbing the sides of the book. Sans laughed into his shoulder as the infant flipped through the pages with a tiny hand.

When Papyrus reached the end, he frowned upon realizing that just like all the other books, the story ended during a celebration with a "happily ever after" and nothing more, leaving the baby bones with more questions than answers.

 **"What happened to da' knight, big Buther? He go to therapy?"**

 **"uh-what? i'm sorry, what?"**

 **"Therapy. Is a pace you go when yo' brain confused and full of lies."**

 **"i know what therapy is, but i don't know what you're talking about. the knight married the princess and lived happily ever after. what part of the story made you think he was sick?"**

 **"The part where he dragged a giant severed head through town."**

 **"uh…"**

 **"And da' part where he go to the dragon's house by hisself."**

 **"that's not crazy, it's just stupid-"**

 **"And the part where he marry the princess."**

Sans leaned forward again in order to stifle his laughter. **"you think getting married's a sign of mental illness..?"**

 _Bro's got some commitment issues!_

 **"No, I thinks wanting to marry da' princess is. She a bitch."**

 **"don't-don't say that word, okay pap?"**

 **"She is dough! She say 'Nobody here be good enough for me, so I's not gonna get married.' Then the king say 'You GOTS to get married, or there won't be any royal babies!' and then she say 'If somebody kill a dragon I'll marry them, kay'?"**

 **"okay, so?"**

 **"So she probly think, 'Dragons be invincible! Nobody gonna survive if they try to kill one for me. They's all gonna die and then I won't has to get married!' It was da' perfect plan big Buther…"**

 _Oh boy…_

 **"uhh bro, don't you think you're maybe reading too much into this?"**

 **"No! She a sneaky devil woman. She probly rub her hands like dis,"** The baby rubbed his hands together mischievously. **"And she probly laugh like dis, 'NYEH HA HA HA HA!"**

 **"…you laugh like that."**

 **"…"**

 _CA-THINK!_

Gaster opened the door to the Nursery and looked around the room, his gaze stopping on the two boys. "I heard Papyrus laughing. What's broken?"

 **"Just my widdle heart Daddy,"** sighed Papyrus sadly. **"Snas here just called baby a bitch."**

 **"I DID NOT!"**

 _CA-THUNK!_

Gaster left the room.

"…"

 **"Why you gotta be mean to da' baby, Snas? I thought we was just gonna sit and read a nice story together, but I guess you'd rather make me cry…"**

 **"whatever. don't try to flip this on me, you KNOW I wasn't calling you names-"**

 **"Does it make you feel big? Picking on cute, tiny, babies such as myselves?"**

 **"i'm putting the book away."**

 **"Does I look like Astigmatism to you?"**

Sans lay the book next to the pillow he was currently sitting on in a new stack beside him. He was hoping to pick up another story and distract his brother with it, but the baby bones had other ideas.

Immediately picking the book back up, Papyrus opened it and flipped to the first page.

 **"uh, bro we already read that one."**

 **"I know, but it was a suck story. I's gonna do it better."**

 _Oh no._

 **"nope. we are not doing that. HELL no-"**

 **"I's gonna read it like is spose' to be read."**

 **"why don't we read this instead?"** asked Sans showing Papyrus the cover of the new book he was holding. **"it's called left foot right foot-"**

 **"I knows about feet."**

 **"i know, but it has a cute…thing..on the cover. maybe if we read on we can find out what it is, or something."**

Sans wasn't too fond of reading ANY of the Dr. Seuss books he found at the Dump to his little brother, but he had to admit they were definitely attention-grabbers. Sans had the same problem as Papyrus where he would often become distracted by the things he didn't understand in stories, and there was a LOT to be confused about where Dr. Seuss was concerned.

 _What a friggen' weirdo, man…he makes books for children, but he puts these weird-ass machines and animals that don't even EXIST in them._

 _How are his books supposed to teach my bro any life lessons if he's spending whole time trying to figure out what the hell the Grinch is supposed to be?_

 **"Doctors don't gots any business writing books, big Buther. Go put dat back in the Dump where it belongs."**

 **"*sigh*"**

 _Guess he doesn't like them either._

 **"Once upon a time-"**

 **"oh hey! look at this one bro, it's moby dick! there's a WHALE in this one, wooooow!"**

 **"There's already a whale in the room. What is it with you and dicks, Shamu?"**

 **"huh?"**

 _What the hell…?_

 **"Once upon a time there was a pencess who didn't need no man-"**

 **"woah, hold up pap. did you hear someone? i swear to god i heard just someone else in here…"**

This was actually the THIRD time that day that Sans had heard a voice, that wasn't familiar in the slightest, say something out of thin air. He had, in truth, been hearing it more and more frequently as the weeks went by and he was beginning to think he was going crazy, as he was the only one who ever seemed to hear it.

The voice was clear, but only _Sans_ would jump whenever it rang out without warning…which was never when Gaster was around, he noticed. Every time the voice would speak it was as if a shotgun had gone off just inches behind the boys and it disturbed Sans greatly when Papyrus wouldn't even so much as _flinch._

Despite the voice being new and coming out of nowhere, usually in the form of an insult or sarcastic remark, the baby bones would continue chewing on the teething ring he didn't need, or the blocks it was supposed to replace, without even the _slightest_ bit of interest…or giving any indication really, that he had heard anything whatsoever.

 _But Papyrus is a liar. Maybe he's just pretending not to hear anything._

 _If that's the case though, then he should at LEAST know where it's coming from, otherwise he'd of been startled too._

The comedian had tried talking to his dad about it, but after the scientist had used the FontSearch to scan the room, he claimed that it was only Sans' over-reactive imagination; a byproduct of Comic Sans and nothing more.

* * *

"There's nothing in here Sans. Even if the FontSearch is outdated, it should still pick up any traces of a Dimensional Font and it hasn't-"

 **"i KNOW there's someone in here, i can HEAR them! can't you just check the security feed?"**

"I'm afraid not. Thanks to your horrible brother, I've long since been forced to shut the cameras off in order to conserve the energy within the few magic crystals we have left."

 **"you just turn them back on at least once?!"**

"Absolutely not! Alphys needs the power for her experiment. She's figured out a way to extract something she calls 'Determination' from the green soul Papyrus acquired…and the soul of that strange human that broke into the lab long ago. The amount however, is more than we bargained for and one of the souls was even destroyed. Hmph! I'd say it serves me right for allowing a child to preform such a dangerous experiment, but it was the king who was foolish enough to hire her as my assistant in the first place. Can you believe he actually bought her ridiculous story about artificially creating souls?"

 **"…i don't care."**

"Even the vessel she chose to inject the Determination into was a poor decision. The fool chose a plant of all things! A LIVING CREATURE. She plans to use it as a container to hold the souls of the monsters who've turned to dust early, but she's given NO consideration to the possible mutations this could cause-"

 **"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR _STUPID_ EXPERIMENT!"**

"It's not my experiment, it's Alphys', and you should be more supportive of your friends Sans, despite how incompetent they are."

 **"…"**

"It would be nice if you'd take some time during one of Papyrus's naps to instruct her on proper lab etiquette, to be honest. You're lazy, but even YOU know it's dangerous to ignore proper lab procedures. A plant given a stronger will to live is going to receive a boost in its intelligence and adapt to its environment in a new way, but apparently this didn't concern Alphys because the clumsy child failed to decontaminate it first before experimentation; can you believe it? She couldn't even be bothered to wipe the dust from the leaves, which is completely unacceptable! She injected the thing with Determination without my supervision OR CONSENT just to 'see what it does' and I'm betting she expects ME to clean up whatever mess she makes-"

* * *

 **"WAKE DA' FUK UP!"**

 **"GI!"** Sans jolted upon hearing his brother's voice. **"s-sorry pap…what di-did you say?"**

 **"I SAYS I doesn't HEAR anything. Why you ask baby questions if you doesn't want no answers?"**

 **"uh-um-"**

 **"He hears me,"** said the voice loud and clear. **"Brat's just ignoring me."**

 **"huh?"**

 _Is he really?_

 _I don't want to scare Pappy if he isn't, but he's the only one who cares about me and this is getting serious._

 **"pap, for real, do you seriously not hear anything?"**

 **"Nyeh? Course not, baby don't lie! Is probly the air filter making spook noises."**

 **"LIAR!"**

 **"I understand if you don't like it. Is very annoying-"**

 **"YOU'RE ANNOYING!"**

 **"If you want I can BREAK IT for you…"**

 **"…"**

 **"no thanks. why don't we do something else till' nap time?"**

 _Something less destructive._

 **"You wants to read another book, big Buther? I still gots the sutra'…"**

 **"preetty sure i said no to that one already bro."**

 **"Is not dirty no more, I put-ted it in da' washer!"**

 **"You're an idiot."**

 **"how bout' we read this one instead?"** asked Sans holding out the Dr. Seuss book again. He knew it would upset his brother, but he was feeling a lot more cheerful now that he knew he wasn't the only person hearing the voice. It felt as if a large weight had been removed from his shoulders, even though he had no idea who the voice belonged to. Clearly Papyrus was trying to avoid acknowledging its existence, but if he was willing to subtly threaten the owner, then the intruder couldn't be THAT dangerous.

 _Does this person not know about my hp? Maybe that's why Papyrus doesn't want to talk about it._

 _The first thing I'd do if some jerk was in here is remind him of my condition and Papyrus doesn't want me to give anything away._

 **"you're so smart and cool, i bet you could read this whole thing by yourself in two minutes, huh baby bro?"**

 **"NO! Why you like feets so much?! Ge-GET DAT STINK BOOK OUT MAH FACE! _NYEHAHH!"_** Papyrus flailed his little arms around as his brother pressed the cover of the book to his face.

 **"kiss the feet pap! kiss the feet!"**

 **"NOOOOOOO!"**

 _PAP PAP PAP!_

Sans smacked the book against the baby bone's face playfully, laughing as the infant turned around in his lap and began kicking his chest with his tiny padded feet.

 _PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF!_

 **"eat em' bro! eat the feet! _"_**

 **"NYEHAAAAAAAHHHHH!"**

 _PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF PAFF!_

 **"heh heh e-eeeeasy pappy, you don't wanna hurt me do you? hahahaha!"**

 **"Wowie, is this how you treat your little brother? You smack him in the face with your weird fetish books?"**

 _PAP!_

 _PAP PAP PAP!_

 **"why don't you come out here and stop me if you love papyrus so much?"**

 **"YOU'S GONNA REGRET YO' LIFE CHOICES!"**

 **"I don't 'love' anyone, but if I did, it'd be similar to my love for fire. He's only funny when he's making someone ELSE miserable."**

 ** _"IIIII HATE CHUUUUUUUU!"_**

 _PAP PAP!_

 _PAP PAP, PAP!_

 _CA-THINK!_

Sans froze as the door to the Nursery opened and Alphys peeked her head in.

 **"E-excuse me, Sans? Could you please stop whatever you're doing to make your brother scream like that? It's really hard to concentrate…"** She turned her head and looked around the room nervously. **"Al-also..I heard you were hearing voices…"**

 **"just one."**

 **"Just o-one?"** The small dinosaur's face turned white as a sheet. **"Are-are you sure? Are you sure it was just o-o-o-"**

 **"alphys?"**

Alphys dropped to the floor breathing heavily, having spied something familiar on the carpet.

 _No…_

 **"hey, hey alphys are you okay? ALPHYS!"**

 **"No…NO NO NO NO NO _NO!"_**

Rushing over to his friend, Sans attempted to pull her arms down from her head, but to no avail.

This was happening a lot as of late.

He had known Alphys for a while now, but although she was shy, she never had any panic attacks around him until she started working for Gaster; not that HE knew of at least.

 ** _"DAAAAAD! DAD, ALPHYS IS HAVING ANOTHER PANIC ATTACK!"_**

 ** _"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"_**

Alphy's family was just like any other in the Underground; poor and uncertain about their future. The young girl didn't talk about them much, but from what he gathered, her parents were depending on HER for survival. She would invent various things using materials found at the Dump and auction them off for money at least twice a week. Then she'd take the money and go to the store by herself for food, using her shy and frail disposition to earn discounts.

It was smart, but the poor economy of the Underground meant she could never sell her inventions for what they were really worth and the tight schedule meant she had to brainstorm for new ideas 24/7, which was stressful and nerve-wracking. When she DID speak of her parents she'd often complain about how they would lecture her on selling her inventions for cheap or how they would brag about her shamelessly, as if having their child support them was the greatest thing in the world. Her genius was their saving grace, a light at the end of a dark tunnel…

But two weeks ago she had gotten to the point where she was officially out of ideas.

"What's going on in her-oh. This again."

 ** _"IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE AND IT'S AFTER ME!"_**

 **"NOTHING is after you child. There's no one in this room but Sans and Papy-"**

 ** _"IT'S HERE AND IT HATES ME! IT WANTS TO KILL ME!"_**

 _Don't let it kill me…  
_

Alphys had desperately pleaded for Gaster to give her a job as one of his assistants, seeing as the lab was the only place with job openings in general, but she was denied due to her young age. She had to go over his head and talk to Asgore for that, and even then she was only able to get the job through lying.

He didn't feel comfortable sending a child to work at a place where so many monsters had previously died or disappeared.

 ** _"I DON'T WANNA DIE! PLEASE DON'T LET IT GET ME-HEEEEE!"_ ** The little dinosaur hugged Gaster around the waist fearfully, her face streaked with tears. She didn't seem to care that her glasses were fogged up and almost falling from her face, or that she was getting snot all over the scientist's lab coat. She simply clung to the fabric and continued to sob uncontrollably until he gave in and finally carried the young girl out of the doorway and towards the medical wing, leaving Sans to look on in pity.

 **"*sigh* poor alphys, she's been having these episodes ever since she became his assistant. the stress must really be getting to her."**

 **"Mah-mmph…yep. aybe we should gets er mommy an daddy some monies so she don't gots to irk here so much,"** said the baby bones slobbering all over his onesie.

 **"huh? papyrus whatever you got in your mouth, spit it out. i can barely understand you."**

 **"Kay'."**

 _PBTH!_

Papyrus spat out a seed.


	26. A Rose By Any Other Name

**"Ooooooh!"**

 **"what's that baby bro, hm? what is that?"** asked Sans putting his paint brush into his water cup.

 **"Is a kitty!"**

 **"n-"**

 **"Is a kitty giving me a thumbs up wit it's _butt!"_**

 **"heh heh no, no pap it's not a kitty."**

 **"Is a hamster?"**

 **"nope."**

 **"Gerbil?"**

 **"c'mon papyrus, it's not that har-"**

 **"OH! Baby knows! It's dat suck-ass doody do-"**

 **"it's a rabbit."**

 **"Nyeh?"** Papyrus looked at the picture quizzically, whilst sticking his fingers in his mouth. **"A rabbit…?"**

 **"yep. the 'thumbs up' is its tail."**

The baby tilted his head a bit and grinned happily upon seeing what it truly was. **"Oh yeaaah! I sees it! It gots a butt-injury! Poor rabbit…"**

 **"*sigh*"**

 **"Don't be sad Snas, Imma get more paper, then we paints a medical ward-"**

 **"it's fine."**

 **"It don't look fine."**

 **"WELL IT IS."**

 _Little jerk. He's doing this on purpose, he KNOWS it's a rabbit…_

 **"Is the flower gonna takes it to da' ward?"**

 **"what? what flow-THAT'S A BUTTERFLY!"**

 **"Bud-der-fly…?"**

 **"YES, A BUTTERFLY! IT'S _CLEARLY_ A BUTTERFLY!"**

 **"Sure it is,"** chirped a familiar voice. **"You _CLEARLY_ don't know how to draw Smiley."**

 **"SHUT UP! WHOEVER YOU ARE, SHUT. _UP!"_**

The angry comedian scanned the room with his eyes eagerly, hoping to find the obnoxious speaker, but like yesterday and the day before, he failed.

 _When is this prick leaving?_

 _Why are they even HERE?_

The owner of the voice didn't respond, but he could still feel their laughter somehow.

 **"i know you're laughing at me jerk, i can FEEL it. must be fun huh? talking trash from your little hiding place like a wuss. you're soooo braaave-"**

 **"Don't be a bully Snas, or you'll be sent to Bullworth."**

 **"Yeah Smiley! I'm smaller than you, so that means you have to be nice to me. It's the law."**

 **"it's not the law!"**

 **"It IS the law,"** said the voice. **"and if you break it you'll be sent to prison. You know what they do to little kids in prison Trashbag?"**

 **"little kids don't GO to prison. i'm not stupid-"**

 **"They make them run errands."**

 **"…"**

 **"They're the slaves that bring the REAL criminals cigarettes and candy bars. They act cute for the guards so they'll get stuff from the outside."**

Sans rolled his eyes and began to put his paints away. Whoever this mystery person was, they were clearly younger than him and possibly retarded.

 **"HEY! Baby didn't get to pay wit da' paints! Why you take my colors?!"**

 _Because you'll put them in your mouth._

 **"because the table's all wet bro! if we put more paper down, it'll get soggy and the colors won't show up."**

It would have been nice if he could find some REAL watercolor paints, but apparently Humans had trouble throwing things away in their containers. Every time he managed to spot one, he'd wind up disappointed to see that the river had washed the case clean of the paints because some human failed to put the cover over it.

 _These paint tubes are all I got. They're probably poisonous too, so I should keep them away from Papyrus._

 **"You shouldn't lie to your little brother Smiley."**

 **"huh?"**

 **"He's taking them away because he knows you'll make a mess on purpose, BRAT. Assuming you don't stuff em' in your stupid little face-"**

 **"that's not true! don't listen to him pap."**

 **"Yes it is. THAT'S why I'm hiding. If he sees me, he'll put me in his mouth like an idiot."**

 **"what part of 'shut up' don't you understand?"**

 _Why does he want to make everyone mad?_

 **"Whatever. Maybe if your brother didn't shove everything in his mouth like you, I'd grace ya' with my presence, but for right now I have to stay hidden."**

 _Besides, the longer I'm around Papyrus the quicker he'll realize I'm Asriel and if he does he'll be pissed at me._ _It wasn't my idea to keep our plan a secret, but I'M the one that got us both killed._

 _If I had just worked together with Chara…_

 **"Dat's not my fault! How's baby suppose to know what stuffs is if I doesn't put it in mah mouth?"**

ALL babies put things in their mouth, so why would Papyrus be any different?

 **"I dunno, maybe use your FREAKING EYES?"**

 **"DON'T CHU YELL AT ME DIRT-BUTT!"**

 **"…dirt-butt…?"**

 **"Yep! Daz his name."**

 **"NO IT"S NOT!"**

 **"*pfft!* your name is dirt-butt?"**

 ** _"NO!"_**

 **"Yes it is. He a flower, so he gots roots for a butt, and they diiiirtyyy-"**

 **"SHUT UP!"**

 _He's a flower? I didn't think flowers could talk…_

 **"You know why he REALLY hides, Snas? Is cause' he don't want people to smell him. He doesn't smell good like da' other flowers cause' he's so dir-"**

 ** _"I'M CLEANER THAN YOU, DROOL POOL!"_** screamed the flower. **_"WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT SOME GLUE OR SOMETHING?! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"_**

 **"HEY, hey calm down buddy wouldja'? you're arguing with a baby."**

 **"I'M ARGUING WITH _CRAP!_ A TINY PIECE OF _CRAP!_ "**

 **"You're breaking the law, Dirt-Butt…"**

 ** _"YOU'RE BIGGER THAN ME!"_**

Sans laughed silently (a bad habit he had picked up that hurt a lot) and turned his gaze to the air vent right above the place where Papyrus's crib used to be. It was obvious by this point that the plant was hiding within it as the echoes of his screaming gave it away a long time ago.

 _I wonder how he got up there…and how Papyrus knows he's a guy. Did they meet before?_

 **"you didn't really try and put him in your mouth, did you bro?"**

 _Gross._

 **"Course I did! A good baby bones gathers as much in-fo-mation as possible so we can be smart when we gets big. ERYTHING goes in baby's mouth, even Snas! Nyeh heh heh!"**

 **"bruh."**

Well at least that explained why Sans once woke up with slimy fingers…

 _Little prick._

 **"That's disGUSTING! YOU'RE disGUSTING!"**

 **"…Yo' mama dis-gusting."**

 **"c'mon pap, we can all be friends here; we don't have to fight,"** said Sans hopefully. **"what's your name, pal?"**

 _Oh shit!_

 **"Uh…it's..uh-"**

 **"Dirt-Butt."**

 ** _"IT'S NOT DIRT-BUTT!"_**

The comedian gave the baby bones a look and waited patiently for the plant to continue. **"take your time, buddy."**

 _Making friends must be hard for them, like it is for me._

 **"It's uh..Flo-"**

 **"Florance?"**

 **"No, it's not Florance! That name is stupid."**

 _Think of a good name, THINK OF A GOOD NAME!_

 **"It's..Flo-wey. Yeah! Yeah, I'm Flowey! Flowey the flower!"**

 **"…"**

 **"…"**

 **"…"**

 **"…Does yo' daddy hate you too?"**

 ** _"MY NAME IS FINE!"_**

Poor, poor Dirt-Butt.


	27. Bad Photography

_CA-THINK!_

Gaster opened the door to the nursery, looking tired and annoyed.

"Sans, could you PLEASE keep your brother quiet? You have one job."

The young Font nodded but didn't bother telling him who was really responsible for the noise. Even if Flowey WAS trying to avoid Papyrus and only Papyrus, Sans could already predict what would happen if he ratted him out.

 _He'll be a jackass and leave the air vent…assuming I can get Dad to believe there's a talking flower in there to begin with._

He waited for his father to leave the room, but curiously, he did not. Instead, the scientist pulled on something behind him, apparently trying to bring something heavy through the nursery door.

"Don't bother lending me your assistance or anything Sans. That would just be too much."

 **"i thought i had one job?"**

Grunting, Gaster finally pulled the thing he was struggling with into the room and sat it where Papyrus's crib used to be…much to the baby bone's dismay.

 **"DIS is my new cwib? Dis piece of cap right here?"**

"It's not a piece of crap, and you should be grateful for whatever you get."

Sans looked at the new crib, if you could even CALL it new that is. The addition was gross. The metal sheen had long since worn off, leaving it rusty and bare, and some of the bars were missing to the point where the remaining might as well have not even been there. It was definitely in need of at LEAST a mattress and it was definitely from the Dump.

 **"this looks dangerous dad…"**

 **"You buy dis wit food stamps?"**

"It doesn't matter, this is all you're getting."

 **"We poor now? We got da' poor?"**

 **"you don't catch poor, baby bro. it's not a disease; who told you that?"**

A cough emanated from the air vent.

 **"Does dis mean I can eats at the Dump now?"** asked Papyrus, ignoring his brother.

"Absolutely not! We aren't poor-"

 **"Then you should buy baby a new cwib…cause' I's not sweeping in dat one. I needs my cwib to be cushy for mah tushie!"**

"Then you can borrow. my. FOOT, because I am _NOT_ scouring the Dump for another one just so you can ruin it."

 **"Imma tell da' king you's trying to give baby tetnis."**

"Rust doesn't cause tetanus, so go right ahead."

 **"Imma tell da' king you's trying to give me da' poor."**

"Are you done? You're either sleeping here or in the toy box, end of discussion."

 _CA-THUNK!_

Gaster left the nursery, closing the door behind him.

 **"UCK YOU DOUCHE DADDY! I'll SWEEP AT DA' KING'S HOUSE! _NYEH!"_**

Papyrus rolled onto his back and kicked at the new crib with both feet angrily. **_"NYEH NYEH NYEH!"_**

 _CLANG CLANG CLANG!_

 **"hey bro, quit it!"**

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHHAAAHHH!"_**

 _CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG!_

 ** _"KNOCK IT OFF BRAT!"_**

Papyrus instantly stopped and glared at the air vent.

 **"Yell at me again. Yell at me again, Dirt-Butt and see if I don't shove my juice box up your juice box."**

 **"What? What does that even MEAN? Is that supposed to be scary or…?"**

 **"i think he just threatened to shove his juice box up your vagina Flowey,"** said Sans chuckling.

 _Damn bro, where'd you hear that?_

 **"Oh, oh yeah? You think your tough huh? Thug life straight out the womb?"**

 **"I'll slaps you like yo' mama should have, nyeh heh heh!"**

A growl was heard from within the air vent, and to Sans' surprise, Flowey emerged and jumped out…immediately face-planting on the carpet.

 **"UGH! WHAT THE HELL?!"**

 _WHERE'S THE FRIGGEN' CRIB MATTRESS?!_

 **"Ooooh, you's small as hell Dirt-Butt! You slip right through the holes!"**

 **"you alright lil' guy?"**

Flowey got up and looked behind him. There really WAS no crib mattress! He hadn't been able to see it very well through the grating he slipped through, but now he could tell just what a piece of crap it truly was.

Had he a soul, he might of felt bad for Papyrus, but right now all he felt was hate for the lazy good-for-nothing who'd unintentionally fooled him into embarrassing himself.

 _Gibberish-speaking FREAK! Who does he think he is, disobeying MY dad like that?! I KNOW he was ordered to look after these two. Does he think he can just do whatever he wants just because he's the royal scientist?!_

 **"Oh you poor _baby!_ Your dad really DOESN'T know how to be a good parent does he?"**

 **"…"**

 **"You can't sleep in this…you SHOULDN'T have to sleep in this. Maybe staying at the king's house is not so bad an idea. He lost his two kids you know, that means he has two free beds that aren't being used…"**

 **"so?"**

 **"So I'm sure he wouldn't mind letting you stay with him when he hears about _this._ He LOVES children, maybe you two should pay him a visit?"**

 _Heh heh heh…_

 **"you're talking about running away."**

 **"It's not 'running away,' it's visiting a lonely old man. Think of how sad he must be! All alone in a big empty house…his family destroyed…"**

 **"Awww, dat's sad. Isn't dat sad Snas? We should go visit Fluffy Buns and give him a hug. Erybody loves a hug from a good baby!"**

 **"don't..don't call him that bro."**

 **"I bet he'd LOVE a hug from you. It'd probably make his whole day."**

 _Come on…come on you dumb little-_

 **"sure, whatever. maybe dad'll take care of us better if he knows we're willing to _leaf."_**

 _YES!_

 **"That's great!"** said Flowey ignoring the pun. **"He's gonna be _soooo_ happy! The king I mean."**

 _HA HA HA HA! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR JOB, NERD! Maybe you can find work at a funeral home somewhere, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!_

 _…_

 _Why DOES he wear black all the time?_

 **"Yaaay!"** Papyrus bounced up in down on his rear end excitedly, picturing he and his brother cuddling up together in the giant bed.

His old crib and the toy box were too small for Sans to fit into, but this one would be different. He had actually seen the bed before while exploring the Underground and it was exactly like the one in Goldilocks and the Three Bears! Not only would it fit them both, but they could roll around too, without the fear of falling out in the middle of the night. He missed being small enough to hug Sans while he slept…

 **"Less go now kay'? Right now."**

 **"wh-now? pap, it's nine at night-"**

 **"Then it'll be a surprise!" said Flowey quickly. "It'll be like Present Day for him, _trust_ me."**

Sans gave him a skeptical look, but said nothing. He didn't believe for a second that Flowey had their best interests in mind, but he felt a need to avenge his brother somehow.

Besides there was nothing worse than unproductive laziness. If someone wanted to do something half-assed then they needed to make sure they were successful, otherwise it was just sloppy _work._

 **"alright everyone, hold onto me."**

 **"Uhh, no. Thanks but no thanks Trashbag. I'd rather stay here."**

 _So I can see the look on that freak's face when he gets that phone call, heh heh heh…_

 ** _"GACK!"_**

Papyrus grabbed Flowey's stem and promptly put him in his mouth like a dog carrying a bone, then he lifted his arms up, signaling to his brother that he wanted to be carried too.

 **"heh, alright lil' guy. hrrup! let's get outta here."**

 **"EW! EW-HEH HEWWW! SMILEYYY, HE'S _DROOLING_ ON ME! GET HIM OFF!"**

 **"E gots to take Fuffy Bunny too, Nas!"**

 **"you want to take your fluffy bunny book? why? that thing's evil!"**

 **"Nah if ooh find Fuffy Bunny…"**

 **"OH GOD I CAN FEEL HIS TONGUE, AND HIS BREATHE SMELLS LIKE BABY FORMULA! I CAN'T _BREATHE!"_**

Picking up the strange book, Sans closed his eyes and pictured as hard as he could exactly where he wanted to go.

It was always hard to keep his mind focused long enough to teleport as he had an imagination more powerful than most, but this time, not only was he unfamiliar with the destination, but he had Flowey screaming in the background.

 _It's going to take me awhile to clear my thoughts with this weed distracting me and making me wanna laugh._

 **"could you please stop screaming? i can't concentrate and if i make a mistake…"**

 **"NO I WON'T STOP YELLING, I DON'T EVEN WANNA _GO!_ GET YOUR DISGUSTING BROTHER OFF ME!"**

Sans sighed and tried again. Obviously Flowey didn't realize how bad the consequences could be if he were to mess up. Usually when he traveled like this he would error and wind up in the location, but not the exact place he was thinking of. When he went to Waterfall, he'd sometimes find himself in the water near the docks, ruining his cellphone, or on top of one of Undyne's favorite rocks, making him try it again just so he could get down safely. He always had a constant fear of ending up stuck in between a wall or building and he NEVER teleported to Hotland.

 _Sucks that I live HERE of all places. There's lava everywhere, and the walkways are so narrow…_

 **"Nyeh? I e no go et?"**

 **"uh, sorry pap. i was thinking about hotland. it sucks that i can't just take a shortcut there. i have to walk all the time…"**

 **"Oh my GOD, you're lazy. So what if you can't teleport to Hotland!? You can get to the lab just fine!"** exclaimed Flowey, tired of screaming.

 **"yeah, but it's at the BEGINNING of hotland-"**

 **"There's nothing there."**

 **"but what if i wanted to go for some reason?"**

 **"THERE'S NOTHING THERE SMILEY. Can we go already?! The more we wait the more petals I have to tear off and regrow. Your idiot brother's obviously not going to put me down-"**

 **"Nyeh heh heh…"**

 **"OR CARRY ME WITH ONE OF HIS TWO FREE HANDS, so-"**

 **"papyrus, take him out of your mouth."**

 **"Kay'."** Papyrus removed the plant from his between his teeth, clutching him in his tiny fist.

 **"good boy pappy. hey, uh flowey, i don't suppose you have a picture of the king's bedroom or maybe the other kid's do ya'?"**

 **"Wh-NO! NO I DON'T HAVE PICTURE'S OF THEIR BEDROOMS!"** cried the flower incredulously. **"WHY WOULD I HAVE THAT?! WHAT KIND OF A CREEP DO YOU THINK I AM?!"**

 **"the kind that hides in air vents and watches children."**

 **"…"**

 **"I gots one!"** cried the baby bones excitedly pulling a photo out of his onesie. He handed it to Sans smiling triumphantly.

It felt good to be useful.

The image itself was dark, but still clear. A picture of the king's room…or at least his bed anyway. In it lay Asgore, sleeping peacefully after a hard day's work next to a figure he couldn't quite make out. Sans wasn't sure when it was taken, but if his highness wasn't losing sleep, then it had to of been before he lost his family. Nowadays the king looked like he wasn't sleeping at _all._

 _The other figure must be his wife._

 **"Why do you _have_ that?"**

 **"I gots anudder one too, just in case he be seeping."**

Papyrus pulled out another photo. This one had was of the kid's room, though it was a close-up of only _one_ of the beds within. In it lay a sleeping goat child in green, clutching a blanket in one of his paws.

 **"…"**

 **"They smell like grass big Buther."**

 **"I want that photo."**

 **"*pfft!* heh heh ha ha ha! papyrus you can't-heh hee hee! you c-can't just take _pictures_ of people pappy, especially their _kids-"_**

 **"Why not?! Dis my friend and he fluffy as hell!"**

 **"Give me that photo."**

 **"it's illegal, that's why! even if they don't put babies in jail, they can STILL find this when you're an adult, and you'll STILL get in trouble."**

 **"Nuh uh! It says on da' back when it be taken. They gonna know I tooks it when I's widdle, and cause' they know babies don't know any bedder, I won't go to jail."**

 **"You'll go to hell if you don't give me that photo you little creep…"**

 **"well you still shouldn't have it. we can't use these anyway, the kid's bed is too close to the wall and the king might be asleep."**

 **"But…I do not wish to sweep in da' trash cwib…*sniff*"** The tiny skeleton dropped Flowey and wrapped his arms around Sans' neck, burying his head in his hoodie sadly. He had been waiting for a new crib for a long time now, and this was a massive disappointment. There was no way he could sleep in that rusty junk heap, but a toy box was no place for a baby either.

 **"Nyehhh…"**

 **"aww, *tsk* don't cry baby bro…tell ya' what, we'll give it a shot, how's that?"**

The baby bones nodded and looking at the picture, Sans took his shortcut.

 ** _"HEY ASSHOLES, YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!"_**


	28. Beloved Mask, Hated Child

**"hey uh, bro? whatcha chewing on there buddy?"**

 **"*Nom nom* Dunno Snas, but it tastes like string."**

 **"It looks like he stole one of the king's shoe laces,"** said Flowey looking bored. Normally he would have jumped at the chance to call out the baby bones on how gross he was, but today he was feeling depressed. While the brothers slept at Asgore's, HE had hid back in the air vent to await the phone call he knew Gaster would get. Flowey waited in there for hours, getting excited each time the phone rang, and disappointed when it turned out to be just another monster complaining about the lack of power in the Underground. Eventually the call DID come, but it wasn't at all what Flowey was hoping for. Instead of lecturing the scientist on proper child care and/or firing him, the king decided to take pity on the snobby nerd and have a new crib made for Papyrus; stating that he knew how hard things currently were in the Underground and that Gaster was incredibly kind for at least TRYING to take care of his children all by himself though it was true he couldn't give them much.

 **"Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting..."**

 **"yeah it WOULD be disgusting...if asgore wore shoes."**

 **"Huh?"**

 **"asgore doesn't wear shoes, so it can't be a giant shoe lace. maybe it's a weird scarf or something."**

It took Flowey a moment to piece together what Sans was talking about, but when he understood, all it did was make him angrier. **"You idiot, of course Asgore wears shoes! Or he used to anyway, before they got old. He and the queen are the only boss monsters in the Underground, so their shoe size isn't exactly in high demand. The stores don't carry it."**

 **"so? can't he order someone to make a pair for him?"**

 **"Why Smiley? What the hell for? He spends all day in his stupid castle being stupid, he doesn't need shoes."**

 **"*Nom nom* So dat means BABY can eats da' laces!"**

 **"nooo, you CAN'T eat the laces. shoe laces aren't food pap,"** said Sans taking the gross object from his brother's mouth.

 **"I eats sgetti dough..."**

 **"spaghetti isn't ma-"**

 **"He knows Smiley, he's just trolling you."**

 **"Is you mad cause' da' sgetti be stale,"** the baby bones narrowed his eyes in suspicion. **"Or does you just want my noodle for yourself?"**

 **"all i want,"** began Sans, heading toward the nearest trashcan. **"is to throw this thing _away._ it's gross bro, it's probably full of dirt and germs from places we've never even HEARD of-"**

 **"NYEH!"**

The comedian stopped short as the infant grabbed the shoe lace, adding extra weight to it...not that it was enough to stop him mind you, Sans wasn't THAT out of shape. He easily dragged his baby brother along the carpet, causing Flowey to wince and turn away.

 _Idiot skeleton._

He didn't feel _bad_ for Papyrus or anything, but the sight brought back painful memories of when Chara first came to live with his family. They hadn't really been easy to live with despite how often his mother praised them. If they weren't moping around, looking either depressed or bored, they were playing tricks on him and his parents.

* * *

 **"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!"**

 **"OH!"** Toriel jumped and dropped the spoon she was washing into the sink. **"Oh my goodness gracious child, you startled me, ha ha!"**

 **"Come on Chara, stop sneaking up on mom like that, she's getting old."**

 **"I beg your pardon?!"**

 **"I said you're getting old."**

 **"HMPH!"** The queen turned to Asgore. **"Fuzzy Bear, are you _really_ going to let him talk to me that way?"**

 **"Respect your mother Asriel,"** said the king wrapping up their leftover food. **"You're not only a prince, but also an older brother now. You must practice restraint so you can be a good example for Chara and the people you'll one day have to look after. Even if you're right-"**

 **"Which he isn't."**

 **"You must still put others _first._ That means keeping your personal opinions to yourself sometimes and even lying when necessary."**

Asriel turned around in his chair. **"I'm sorry mother. You're still super young and _definitely_ not fat."**

 **"...Go to your room."**

 **"Heh heh heh, your lying needs works my son, but I'm still proud of you for trying."**

 **"Both of you go to your room."**

 **"No wait!"** cried Chara. **"I have to give you all your Christmas presents!"** The child handed Asriel a green box tied in a red ribbon and Asgore took the other one. Their smile creeped the tiny boss monster out, but his parents either didn't notice the suspicious change in Chara's attitude or they just simply didn't care. One of the few things that bothered him about his family more than anything.

Everyone in the family knew by now that there was something...off, about Chara. Something that didn't feel right. They were quiet. Their sense of humor was dark, they enjoyed breaking into places they weren't supposed to be in, and they pocketed random things regardless of whether or not those things were in someone's _house._ Asgore and Toriel often chalked their strange behavior up to cultural differences, but Asriel knew they bought it about as much as he did. Whenever someone tried to talk to Chara it felt as if the child were barely listening and their dialog often didn't match their expression, they did however, always seem to say the right thing even if their face was wrong. It was...well, creepy. Too creepy to ignore. Chara's behavior was creepy and his parents not only knew, but worse, didn't _care._ Instead of trying to fix what they saw wrong, they embraced their human child's false moments of normality in hopes that if they encouraged them to wear the fake mask they sometimes put on for everyone, it would somehow eventually fuse to their face...and the problems Chara had would just disappear.

Or maybe they just didn't want to be reminded of them.

The hell if Asriel knew.

What he DID know, was that things were getting worse. Dangerous. Chara was getting angrier, he could sense it, feel it, SEE it. His mother's doing he was sure as she was FAR more aggressive than Asgore.

Stop cursing and stop making such horrible jokes, they aren't funny.

Stop breaking into places.

Stop collecting things that don't belong to you.

Stop collecting random garbage you find on the ground.

Stop collecting knives, why are you collecting _knives?!_

Play with your toys! Say hi when someone greets you, don't just nod!

Play with your brother, be a good sibling!

Smile in pictures, be a good _example._

Why can't you be more polite?

Why can't you be more thoughtful?

Why can't you be kind?

Just be honest!

Just be normal!

 _JUST. BE. GOOD!_

Why are you crying my child?

You know I love you...right?

I only want what's best for you...

These were the things Asriel heard on a regular basis. He wasn't an expert at parenting or anything, but he doubted an onslaught of orders was going to do anything but make Chara feel like trash. When they attempted to kill off his father with buttercups he finally stepped up to his mother and tried to get her to understand how serious things had gotten, but she stubbornly clung to her denial and continued to make things worse.

 _My mom's an idiot. How the hell would we confuse butter with flowers? THEY PUT THOSE IN WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING YOU STUPID COW!_

 _ _You can't just order someone to change their personality or ignore their bad behavior and expect it to go away...they have to want to change on their own. You have to accept who they are and hope they like you enough to leave some of their bad habits behind so you'll like THEM just as much..._  
_

He wished he could say that.

He WANTED to say it, but he just...

 **"What the hell is Christmas?"** asked the goat-child eyeing the box warily. This was definitely a prank, but he had no idea how deadly it was. He had THOUGHT that the reason Chara had targeted his father was so Asriel would become king after his death and finally have the power to tell their mother to shut it without suffering any consequences...but now that Asriel had exposed himself as what Papyrus called a "snitch-bitch" it was possible that Chara no longer believed he was on their side.

 _Are they trying to kill me too?_

 _If they do, they'll be the only one left for the throne..._

 **"Christmas is a human holiday similar to Present Day, also watch your language,"** said Asgore undoing the ribbon. Asriel flinched, expecting an explosion of epic proportions to take out he and his entire family, but instead the king pulled the ugliest sweater he'd ever seen out of the box. **"Oh...it's a sweater. Thank you Chara, how very...thoughtful."**

Asriel opened his box to find a sweater of his own, though this one was striped.

 **"Well, isn't this nice Asriel? You've been needing something striped, otherwise no one will know you're a child!"**

 **"Well I don't know about that, he still looks like a _kid_ to me, hee hee hee!"**

 **"Tori, please-"**

 **"...I'm not wearing this."**

 **"Hm? Why not child?** " asked Toriel picking up the wrapping paper. **"Chara worked hard on this."**

 **"Oh I don't know mom, maybe it's because we have friggen' FUR? It'll be too hot and the static electricity...we can't even have carpet in our house and you want us to wear a _sweater?!"_**

 **"*Sniff*"**

 **"Shut up Chara, you're not sad. Mom we can't wear this and they KNOW it-"**

 **"Nonsense! I know where you're going with this and it's utter nonsense! Chara's a good child, isn't that right little one? You should do things like this more often, look how happy everyone is!"**

 **"..."**

 **"Are you blind? I'M NOT HAPPY WITH THIS. THIS IS A-"**

 ** _"Pun_ -ishment?"**

 **"Are you friggen' SERIOUS? _YOU'RE SUCH A-"_**

 **"ASRIEL! You will NOT take that tone with your mother, she's trying to cheer you up! Don't you see that?"**

 **"BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT BULLSHIT _BULLSHIT!"_**

 ** _"ASRIEL!"_**

 **"ROOM. NOW,"** ordered Asgore pointing down the hall. **"I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night, and when I _do_ see you again, you'd better be wearing that sweater."**

 **"WHAT _-EVER!"_** Asriel got out of his chair and headed to his room.

 **"Hey..."**

 ** _"SHUT UP CHARA!"_**

 **"Um, I wasn't _talking_ to you, crybaby. I was talking to father. I don't mean to be rude, but that sweater is actually for her. I didn't think you'd be comfortable wearing such a thing seeing as you're a king and I couldn't find anything dignified enough-"**

 **"Ho ho ho! Such a fine child! We're so lucky to have you, isn't that right Tori?"**

 **"Yeah okay, go ahead and interrupt me, it's not like I was talking or anything-"**

 **"If this is for me, why does it say 'Men's' on the tag?"** asked Tori inspecting the sweater.

 **"...It's the only size that would fit you."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"*Cough* Well I think these were both wonderful gifts! Thank you so much Chara."**

 **"Yes...in fact I _wonder_ how you knew our sizes to begin with."**

 **"Ah. Well I wanted it to be a surprise, so I took both your measurements while you were asleep."**

 **"...Oh."**

A long uncomfortable silence filled the kitchen and didn't lift until Chara turned around and headed to their room, expressionless.

 **"...H-honey?"**

 **"I'll get a new lock."**

 **"*PFFT!* HA HA HA HA HA HA!"**

 **"Huh? A-ASRIEL I TOLD YOU TO GET TO YOUR _ROOM!"_**

* * *

 **"Hee hee hee..."**

 **"Nyeh? What chu laughing bout' Dirt-butt?"** asked the baby bones curiously.

 **"Hm? Nothing. Mind your business brat, go eat your spaghetti."**

 **"FINE!"** Papyrus crawled away from Flowey. **"Suck-ass flower...nyeh..."**

 **"aww! it's okay bro, just ignore him, he'll go away eventually."**

 **"Kay'."**

 **"..."**


	29. Strange Motivation

**"Snas, lookit!"**

 **"watcha got there baby bro? playing with snails?"**

 **"Yep! I find-ed them near da' river. They're mine now,"** said the baby, poking one with his finger.

Sans looked at his brother doubtfully. **"yours huh? you sure you didn't steal these like you stole asgore's shoelace?"**

 _Not that he'd miss a few snails anyway. He had like, fifty of those gross things in that glass terrarium of his or whatever the hell it's called._

 **"Did I say 'stole' Snas, or 'find?' I's pretty sure baby said the latter."**

 **"you don't need to be a smart-"**

 **"I FIND-ED them near da' river, big Buther. This one's name is Charlie."**

 **"i thought your codfish was charlie?"** The comedian shuddered internally, remembering the rotting fish his brother used to keep in his old crib. It had been a gift from Undyne…probably a live one, but Papyrus didn't seem to understand that not all aquatic creatures could live without water for long periods of time like her. Luckily, the gross corpse had been hidden under his old crib mattress and was accidentally (and gratefully) thrown out with it.

 **"Dat was Charlie da' codfish. Dis Charlie da' snail. He gonna be famous big Buther! I's giving it some of my milk so he's gonna be big and strong and fast. REALLY fast…"**

 **"that's great bro."**

 **"He gonna be so fast, fire gonna shoot out his butt! Instead of a slime trail, is gonna be a fire trail. All the hunny snails gonna be like, 'ooooh you's so fast! Imma give you lots of smooches!'"**

 **"that's *yawn* great pap,"** said Sans pulling his covers up.

 **"He might grow extra teeths dough…"**

 **"zzzz…"**

 **"See these teeth Snas?"** Papyrus clacked his teeth together several times.

 **"*snort!* d-uh don't do that bro, kay'? it ain't good for ya'."**

 **"I's not supposed to have dis many toothies, but mah milk makes me grow better than other babies…"**

 **"dope."**

 **"Mhm yep, is very dope big Buther! I'd give YOU some of dis health milk, but these nutrients be made special for me,"** said Papyrus squeezing the nipple of his bottle with two fingers. A drop of milk dripped out from between them and landed on the snail who immediately retreated into his shell. **"Awwww, what's wrong Charlie? You doesn't like da' milk? You a grown snail?"**

The snail didn't respond.

He didn't come out of his shell either.

It seemed like "Charlie" was either too big for baby formula, or was feeling just as lazy as Sans today. Despite constant poking and coercing on Papyrus's end, he just didn't seem to want to come back out, angering the baby bones.

 **"FINE! You go head and be a lazybones! Da' other snails be more than happy to train for Nappy's race!"** he turned to the other snails. **"WHO HERE THIRSTY FOR GLORY?"**

All at once the other snails shot into their shells, shaking in fear.

 **"NYEHAAAHH, LAZYBONES! WE'S TRAINING FOR DA' _SNAIL_ RACE! NO PUSSIES ALLOWED!"**

 **"language bro, besides they're not being lazy, they're just scared pap. you're yelling at em' and probably hurting their little snail-ears…"**

The infant frowned at his brother. Did Sans think he was stupid or something? Snails didn't have ears!

…

Did they?

To be honest, Papyrus wasn't too sure. He hadn't asked Napstablook about their anatomy on account of he had actually _stolen_ the snails from his farm.

Maybe the baby WAS being too loud…he may be little, but the snails were even smaller. Maybe they DID have tiny ears; ears so tiny, Papyrus couldn't even SEE them.

 **"I's sorry widdle snail friends! I's just trying to do the mo-ti-vation…"**

 **"i'm sure it's fine pappy,"** said Sans turning over in his bed. **"just try to be a bit quieter."**

 _So I can get some sleep._

 **"Kay'. Imma be reeeal quiet and stuff. I'LL BE THE QUIETEST BABY YOU EVER SAWED!"**

The baby bones sat silently and waited for the snails to come back out, petting the shells in a loving manner. He wasn't sure if the snails could feel it, but he hoped so. Whenever HE was feeling sad or scared, Sans would always cradle him and rub his back., making him feel better and putting him to sleep.

Not that he wanted them to sleep, mind you. He just wanted them to feel less afraid.

To counter the sleepy-effect, Papyrus crawled over to his toy box and pulled out a book. The snails wouldn't sleep if they heard him telling a story. They'd be curious about what story he was reading and then they'd stay awake so they wouldn't miss anything…or that was the baby's reasoning at least.

 **"Once upon a time-"**

 **"put that away."**

 **"No. Once upon a time, a LONG-ass time ago in fact, there was a little girl who sucked."**

 **"papyrus i mean it, no more stories. if they're not scary, then they're offensive-"**

 **"Dis little girl was reeeeeal bad and didn't like to listen to her mommy and daddy. She stole stuff even dough she wasn't a baby, and she broke things all da' time even dough she not Undyne."**

 **"PAPYRUS."**

 **"Shu up Snas, is story time."**

 **"i can't sleep when you're-"**

 **"You will sweep or I will PUT you to sweep."**

 **"…"**

 **"ANYWAYS, da' girl was named Goldilocks and dis one time she goed into the woods even dough she not supposed to."**

The snails silently slid out of their shells, glancing at the Nursery door.

 **"In da' woods she finded an igloo-"**

 **"an igloo? what-"**

 **"And she climbed in, all curious and stuff. She got in super easy too cause' igloos don't have doors. You can't lock an igloo, big Buther."**

 **"why an igloo? i thought the three bears lived in a house…"**

 **"Igloo IS a house Snas. THESE bears be polar bears."**

 **"WHY though?"**

 **"*Sigh* Because there be a Daddy bear, a Mama bear, and a Baby bear in da' story."**

 **"so?"**

 **"Soooo If they were brown bears or black bears, there wouldn't be a Daddy and the story would be ruined. Is dat what you want?"**

 **"and theeeres the racism. i'm going to go sleep somewhere else."**

 _CREEEAK!_

The infant glared at his brother as he got out of bed and left the room with his blanket and pillow in tow.

 ** _"FINE!"_** yelled Papyrus. **"The story's not for _you_ anyway…nyeh…"** The baby bones turned his back to the door and picked his book back up, slightly disappointed.

Sans got upset over the littlest of things sometimes…so what if Papyrus wanted to add a bit of realism to a fantasy story? He should be more tolerant of his story choices and less judgmental.

Set a good example for the baby.

 **"Inside, Goldilocks held her widdle nose; the house smelled like fish and white privilege and only the latter was she used to."**

 **"SANS I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE."**

 **"WHY? WHY CAN'T I SLEEP UNDER THE TABLE? I'M NOT BOTHERING ANYONE."**

Papyrus glared at the door.

 **"IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE BOTHERING ME, IT'S THAT IF I FORGET ABOUT YOU AND ACCIDENTALLY KICK YOU, IT COULD STARTLE ME INTO DROPPING ONE OF THE TEST TUBES. YOU KNOW HOW NERVOUS I GET-"**

 ** _"SHA DA' FUK UP! I'S TELLING A STORY OVER HERE!"_**

 **"I'D ALSO APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D KEEP YOUR BROTHER QUIET. THIS IS KIND OF A DELICATE EXPERIMENT."**

 _ **"I SAY SHOOSH! WHY YOU SO LOUD BABY BOP? YOU SCARE DA' SNAILS!"**  
_

There was a brief moment where Sans and Aphys's voice became quieter, but before Papyrus could pick up his story again, he heard claws clicking on the tile floor, heading towards the nursery. A sure sign that Alphys wanted to have another chat with the baby bones.

Which really sucked because he didn't _like_ talking to Alphys.

If she wasn't stuttering obnoxiously, then she lecturing him calmly and without any intentional disrespect. It drove the infant crazy whenever she spoke to him for long periods of time as he couldn't just say "leave me alone" without feeling a tinge of guilt.

 **"Papyrus, could you p-please be quiet for your brother? I know it's noon, but I can't have him sleeping near my work area…"**

 **"Why he can't sweep in another room? There be lots down here! Snas just trying to get baby in trouble!"**

 **"He isn't trying to get you in trouble, the other rooms are being renovated or used for experiments-"**

 **"You think just cause' you's famous you can come in here and boss erybody around? Go back to da' Barney Show and lee me alone!"**

 **"*Sigh*"** Alphys put a claw to her head. **"I'm-I'm NOT Baby Bop. SANS I THOUGHT YOU TOLD HIM I WASN'T BABY BOP?"**

 _I don't even LOOK like her…_

 **"I _DID!"_** replied Sans from down the hall. **"I TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES!"**

 **"You can try to hide it all you want, but I knows the tooth. You got tired of the fans asking you if it was easy being green, so you quit da' famous life and got dat pastic surgery so you'd look more like your brother. You's Asian, I KNOWS it-"**

 **"I'm not Asian, I'm just yellow!"**

 **"A yellow tricer-ry-tops who like Asian stuff and eats noodles-"**

 **"I AM AMER-I-CAN. _AMERICAN!"_**

 **"Domo arigato miss Bay-bee Bop-o! NYEH HEH HEH!"**

 **"knock it off bro,"** said Sans finally reentering the nursery.

 **"Why? What I do?"**

 **"It's fine Sans, look Papyrus, if _I_ listen to your story, will you let Sans sleep in here?"**

 **"it's not that i CAN'T sleep in here, it's that i don't want to because-"**

 **"YAY! BABY BOP GONNA JOIN OUR STORY CHARLIE!"**

 **"bro, no."**

 _This won't end well._

 **"Okay where was we? Oh yeah, there was dis bad girl right? She broked into dis igloo even dough she not black and started looking for something to eat."**

 **"O-oh d-d-d-d-dear!"**

 **"Nyeh hee hee, you sound like Piglet."**

 **"DON'T call me that,"** said Alphys angrily. The kids at school called her that too in an attempt to make fun of her stuttering. It was one of the reasons she avoided making friends and poured herself into her studies. She even asked once to be home-schooled, but her parents just weren't bright enough to teach her and they lacked the money needed for a private tutor.

 _Luckily I have this place. I can learn from Gaster without being mocked…mocked for something I can't control anyway. He still lectures me about my work habits, but at least it's about my WORK habits._

 **"I's not insulting you, I likes da' Piglet. He's nice to Eeyore just like you's nice to Snas. Not many people are nice to Snas like you, Baby Bop. Is good having you around…"**

 **"O-oh, thank you!"**

 **"…I just doesn't like talking to you."**

 **"papyrus!"**

 **"It's okay Sans, I understand."**

 **"still…"**

 **"If you knows you's naggy, then don't nag. You annoy the baby."**

 **"…"**

Papyrus picked his book back up.

 **"So da' girl break into the igloo and she's all like, 'this pace smell like vagina, I don't like it very much."**

 **"Uhh…"**

 **"Goldilocks looked around and spotted the culprit, a table with three plates that each held freshly cut-"**

 **"vaginas?"**

 **"…"**

 **"…"**

 **"…Fish Snas. The plates held fish,"** said Papyrus. He turned his back to Sans and moved towards Alphys, deciding it would be best to ignore his gross brother for the rest of the story. **"The fish were raw and cut open, wit all da' bones removed and it was yucky like Snas-"**

 **"hey!"**

 **"She say 'eww! dis fish be raw, I can't eat dis!' and she throw them out the door. Even the widdle bear baby's fish was thrown out. Isn't dat sad?"**

 **"Are these polar bears? Why are they polar bears?"**

 **"just-just let him read."**

 **"Is a white family."**

Alphys shifted in her seat, feeling more and more uncomfortable as the story went on.

 **"Da' girl was feeling sad cause' she be hungry, but then she gotted an idea to check the cab-i-nets for food. She grabbed the Daddy bear's chair, but she couldn't push it cause' it made of ice and was too big. Is a big ol' ice block!"**

 **"so? shouldn't the ice slide across the ice floor?"** Sans didn't mean to ask questions during one of Papyrus's stories, but he found there were times he just couldn't help it. Luckily Alphys interjected, before his brother could explain.

 **"Actually Sans, assuming the floor IS made of ice, that would be extremely difficult. Once you touch a block of ice, your body temperature makes the ice melt enough to begin creating a bit of water. Once that water is hit by the cold air, it freezes immediately and makes the ice block harder to push across the icy flooring as it fuses them together like ice cubes in a freezer…not that igloos are usually made of ice anyway. Snow is a much better insulator of heat and-"**

 **"Since Goldilocks couldn't move the first ice block, she decided to use the Mommy one, but even dough she could lift it, it be too heavy to carry for long."**

 **"Which makes sense seeing as an ice block can weigh from 12 to 150 kg, and to support a fully grown female polar bear-"**

 **"SO THEN SHE TRY THE BABY BLOCK AND IT WORKED CAUSE' DAT'S WHAT DA' BOOK SAYS."**

 **"I highly doubt it, books are made to be educational; that-that's not even the Three Bears!"** exclaimed Alphys, tilting her head. The book was upside down, but she could still tell it wasn't the story Papyrus was reading. The title was only one word!

 **"Kar…Karma…Karmasutra…? KARMA _SUTRA?!_ SANS!"**

 **"IT"S NOT MINE, IT'S HIS!"**

 **"No, dis be Snas' book. He like to help baby exercise-"**

 **"THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT IS, AND NO I DON'T!"**

 **"Yeah-huh! Snas help the baby get big and strong when I growed out mah bones! I love him good…"**

 **"…"**

 **"He's lying Alphys!"**

 **"…I have work to do."**

Getting up from the floor, Alphys walked out of the Nursery, avoiding Sans' eyes.

 **"Great job big Buther, you blew it. I's trying to make you look good so you two get married, but you screwed it up. Why you gotta be gross and a-noxious all the time?"**

 **"wha-"**

Papyrus crawled after Alphys out of the room to apologize on Sans' behalf, leaving the comedian alone.

 **"*sigh* great, now they both think i'm weird. you believe me though, right charlie?"**

…

 **"….charlie?"**

Charlie had already left.


	30. Dealing and Squealing

**"well would ya' look at that? there's someone in the water bro!"**

 **"Yep, I sees em'."**

 **"do you know who that is? who is that pappy, hm? who is that?"**

 **"A baby."**

 **"heh heh heh..."**

 _He's so cute..._

 **"i KNOW it's a baby papyrus-"**

 **"A very DEAD baby."**

 **"..."**

 _okay maybe not THAT cute..._

 **"what uh, what makes you think they're dead pap? dead people turn to dust."**

 **"Is a HUMAN baby. Probably Chinese."**

Sans sighed. **"i'm not sure what a _chinese_ is, but i'm preeetty positive you're being racist again."**

He kicked a nearby stone into a different puddle, annoyed. It had only been ten minutes in Waterfall and he was already wanting to go home.

 **"why do you say these things bro? we hear enough racism from dad, i don't want you to turn out like him..."**

 **"But is true dough!"** insisted Papyrus. **"They throw their babies away all da' time! They only like widdle boy babies such as myselves cause' they be the only ones to pass on the family name and stuff. I bet there be a lot of skelly babies in the water over there too. China be a good pace to find hunnies."**

 **"..."**

 **"Hello hunnie baby! Does you like what you see?"**

 **"pfft! pap-"**

 **"LOOK SNAS, SHE SMILING AT ME! Nyeh heh heh...what's happening baby girl? I likes your rain coat! Why don't you come out the water and share my umbrella?"**

 **"HEH HEH HA HA HA HA!"**

Sans howled with laughter as his brother continued smiling into the puddle, waiting patiently for the "baby girl" to come out. Suddenly the day had gotten a lot better. The infant twirled his umbrella nervously, hoping she wouldn't say anything about already having one of her own; he didn't want to look stupid in front of Sans...

 **"Why don't you come out widdle baby? Is you stuck in da' mud down there? Is da' water too deep?"**

 **"i think she's shy bro! why don't you go help her?"**

 **"Nyeh? But dat's deep water big Buther! I can't swims in da' deep water without mah floaties..."**

 **"here, lemme help ya'."**

 **"NOOOOO! DON'T PUSH DA' BABY!"**

 _PAFF PAFF!_

Papyrus hit Sans with his umbrella, luckily not doing any harm thanks to the comedian's hoodie.

 **"woah woah, pap! take it easy!"**

 **"NYEHAAAAHHH! GO _WAY!"_**

 _ _PAFF PAFF PAFF!_  
_

 **"alright i'll back off! just stop hitting me before you kill me, ha ha!"**

 _PAFF!_

 **"Kay'."**

 **"..."**

 **"Hey Snas, you think the reason she don't come out is cause' she don't like merican' babies?"**

 **"i doubt it pap."**

 **"Could you tells her I doesn't have a gun? She not gonna beweave me if she know my font..."**

Sans put his hands over his face. **"*siiiiigh* he doesn't...he doesn't have a gun."**

 _Where is he GETTING this stuff?_

 **"Also tells her I won't blow her up either. She might know I be from Egypt-"**

 **"what are these _words_ you're using?"**

 **"Is okay girl baby, I's too widdle to make bombs. My buther do dough-"**

 **"no i don't!"**

 **"He call them 'jokes!' NYEH HEE HEE HEE!"**

 **"...well aren't you hilarious?"**

 _You little brat._

 **"Yep, I's funny as hell! Look Snas! Da' baby girl be laughing too!"** said Papyrus, pointing at the puddle excitedly. **"I's gonna get da' smooches for sure!"**

 **"yeeep, she digs ya' alright. *yawn*"**

 **"No Snas! You gots to stay awake and be mah wing-man!"**

 **"your what?"**

 **"You gots to be my wing-man and tell the girl baby all bout' mah many many ah-com-plishments!"**

 **"accomplishments...?"**

 _What accomplishments?_

 **"uh...yesterday, pappy stuck his foot in his mouth..."**

 **"Yep, is too! I did it easy without falling over! I's very talented."**

 **"...and today he tore the eye out of his teddy bear and ate it."**

 **"One day it'll be a REAL bear."**

 **"wh-"**

 **"Yogi gonna get his. Those MY pici-nic baskets..."**

Sans shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. He didn't know WHY he was so nervous, it's not like the baby in the puddle was real or anything, but he still somehow felt embarrassed.

 **"hey bro, maybe don't say those things in public kay'?"**

 _It's one of the reasons we don't have any friends except Undyne._

 **"But if I doesn't then she won't know how strong and brave I be! She gots to know I can protect her from bears or she won't marry me Snas!"**

 **"i'm sure the result will be the same regardless of how much you brag."**

 **"You think she'll like me anyways? Why? Dis a Dragon baby? You's a gold-digger?"**

 **"*pfft!* so what if she is? what are you worried about? you don't got any money, heh heh ha ha ha!"**

 **"Yes I does. Jerry too widdle to go to jail, so we's back in business!"** cheered the baby, pumping his fist in the air.

 **"NO,"** replied Sans firmly. **"you stop dealing drugs papyrus; it's wrong. you _know_ it's wrong. you shouldn't take advantage of the addicts in the underground like that."**

 **"Why not?! Monies should go to people who take care of themselves,"** said the infant matter-of-factly. **"Druggies are weak Snas. They bring down society and eventually turn into murderers when they gets des-per-ate for da' drugs and can't afford them."**

 **"that's...that's not true,"** said Sans, but in truth he wasn't so sure. A lot of killers populated the Underground, ESPECIALLY in the alleys of the Resort Area where the richer monsters ate. Why would the monsters there steal their money instead of food if the G wasn't for drugs?

 **"How do YOU know? You doing da' drugs Snas?!"**

 **"what? no!"**

 **"You's doing the kistal meth? The angel dust? IS YOU DOING DA' COCA COLA?!"**

 **"that's a drink."**

 **"YOU'S DOING COKE!"**

 **"i don't even _drink_ coke. YOU'RE the one who eats and drinks stuff from the dump, not me!"**

 _You gross little freak. HOW have you not gotten sick yet?_

The comedian had tried, like his father, to keep his brother from eating out of the Dump, but when the baby bones started keeping secret "snacks" in his onesie, he quit, for fear of stinking up the whole nursery.

 _Maybe I should get Flowey to talk to him._

Papyrus and Flowey got along great together, to the point where Sans often became jealous of their little fights and arguments. Despite the insults they threw at one another, they had a lot in common when it came to how they viewed the world and the people within it. Maybe the tiny plant COULD talk some sense into him.

 _I bet he could. I bet if FLOWEY said something, he'd quit. Maybe I should be more like him...?_

Sans thought about going around on a daily basis insulting people, including his brother, but quickly brushed it away. There was no way he could do that. Besides, he doubted insult comics would be too popular in the Underground; despite all the killings, people down there still treated one another with respect during the daytime, or at least that was Sans' perspective. Maybe they were just nice to children...?

 _But I'm not wearing a striped shirt..._

 **"Is dat why you gots so much junk in yo' trunk big Buther? Cause' you's a junkie?"**

Sans snapped back to reality. **"what?"**

 _What did he say?_

 **"DAAAADYYYYY, SNAS GOTS DRUGS IN HIS BUTT!"**

 _WHAT DID HE SAY?_

 **"NO I DON'T!"**

 **"I'm telling Daddy you gots coke in yo' butt!"**

 **"we're in waterfall and he doesn't care."**

 **"I'm telling EVERYONE."**

 **"do NOT embarrass me papyrus!"**

 _What the hell is his PROBLEM?!_

The baby bones looked down into the puddle worriedly.

 **"Don't worry widdle girl baby, _I_ doesn't do da' drugs, I just sells em'. I doesn't keep them in mah butt either."**

 **"i don't do drugs and she's not real, that's just your reflection!"**

 **"You doesn't do drugs...? Then why you keeps em' in your butt if not for safe-keeping? Are you trying to prank the doody dogs? You want to get the doggies high when they sniffs your butt?"**

 **"this conversation is over."**

 **"Nyeh hee hee hee! You's funny big Buther!"**

 **"I'm leaving."**

Sans teleported away.

 **"Awww...dat's a shame. NYEH HEE HEE HEE!"**

 _SPLISH!_

Papyrus splashed playfully in the puddle.


	31. Lost and Found

" **NYEH HEE HEE!"**

" **you having fun bro?"**

" **Yeah...you's so nice to da' baby Snas, I loves you good..."** The baby bones continued to giggle happily while Flowey glared at him from the air vent.

" **WHY do you have to say it like that? Can't you say 'I love you' like a normal person? Why do you have to talk like baby Gollum?"**

" **You be ki-et tricksy flower! I's dancing wit mah precious!"**

" **heh heh ha ha ha!"**

Rolling his eyes, Flowey reached down with a vine and scooped up a nearby book. He couldn't see what book he had, but it didn't really matter; he had read all the books in the Nursery a thousand times already.

 _I wish I could leave the lab whenever I wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'll burn up if I try to cross Hotland without Smiley._

The Lab entrance may have been only a few steps away from Waterfall, but the temperatures were still dangerous for plant life, and with no crystals to power the air purifiers in the Underground, Hotland had become even MORE deadly. The toxic gases from the volcanic activity had resulted in an increase of sick monsters; so much so, that the Medical Ward had to be expanded to accommodate them all.

 _Things are getting so bad down here...is Dad's kingdom gonna fall? We have no power, no air, no jobs, no technology..._

" **Must be nice being a big stupid baby with no problems or responsibilities whatsoever."**

" **Nyeh?"** Papyrus looked at him quizzically. " **What chu talkin' bout' Dirt-butt? I gots problems, BABY problems..."**

" **Oh yeah? What's wrong? Did you run out of toys to break? New things to slobber all over?"**

The baby bones crawled over to his toybox and reached inside, pulling out a box of crayons. " **See here Dirt-butt? See these crayow-ns?"** He turned the box upside down.

 _CLACK, CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK!_

" **nice pap."**

" **They were pointy and nice once, but now they all flat and broked. Is real sad..."**

" **So?"**

" **So I can't draw wit them good no more! I try and I try, but da' paper get in the way and I gots to peel it off allll da' time now."**

" **Oh you poor poor thing,"** said Flowey turning a page.

" **Yeah...the broked ones confuse the baby, cause' I doesn't know all my colors yet and I thinks one of the two or-an-ges be red orange and it mess up my drawing!"**

" **I'm gonna start crying any minute."**

 _Spoiled little-_

" **Aw, don't cry Dirt-butt! Snas gonna get me new cuhweres."**

" **i'm getting you new colors?"** Sans raised a brow. " **and when exactly did i say that?"**

" **Just now Smiley. You're soooo nice! Isn't he the BEST Pappy?"**

The baby nodded, smiling. " **Yep! My big Buther treat me nice, even if he don't wash my butt."**

" **...What?"**

" **you can wash your own butt, and you can pick up all these crayons now too."**

" **Nope. Can't. I's just a baby, so my hand-eye coooord-nation's not good yet."** Papyrus picked up a crayon and promptly dropped it on the floor to illustrate his point.

" **that was nowhere near the box."**

" **I know, cause' I's a baby."**

" **you didn't even LOOK at it."**

" **Cause' I doesn't know where it is. I don't gots da' object per-me-nance. Dat box is gone forever..."**

" **pick up your crayons papyrus."**

 _CA-CACK!_

Flowey dropped the book he was reading down from the air vent and onto the floor nonchalant. It was obvious Papyrus was trolling, at least, it was obvious to _him,_ but apparently Sans wasn't catching on.

" **I pick uuup...dis crayow-n."**

" **noooo, you'll pick up ALL of your crayons-"**

" **I pick up dis crayow-n and I draws on da' wall."**

" **and i'll bust your little ass. DROP IT."**

" **I'll drop it when I's done wit the wall-"**

" **PAPYRUS!"**

" **Would you be quiet Smiley? You're giving him what he wants."**

" **he wants me to yell at him?"**

" **He wants your ATTENTION-"**

 _CACK, CACK CACK!_

" **bro!"**

" **NYEH! Nnnnyeh!"** Papyrus grabbed a handful of crayons and threw them at the air vent.

 _CACK CA-CACK CACK CACK!_

" **Yeah, way to break more of your crayons genius."**

" **Nyeh hee hee hee! NYEH!"**

 _CACK!_

Sans sighed upon looking at the mess his brother was currently making. NOW he had to not only fit all the crayons in the box one by one (which he hated), but also FIND them all. His baby brother didn't have a lot of toys, but he made up for it with how many pieces they were in; it would take forever to rummage through the colorful array of broken doll limbs, legos, puzzle pieces, drawings, and fluff from his torn up stuffed animals…

" **why do you do these things pap? you know there are monsters out there that don't have a single toy to play with and here you are breaking all of yours. you think that's right?"**

" **Nyeh? Baby earned those toys!** _ **I's**_ **da' one dat go looking for them at the Dump and stuff! Those other babies can kiss my tiny hiney, is not MY fault they don't search for stuffs like I do; they lazy as hell!"**

" **Um news flash brat, most babies don't walk OR talk,"** said Flowey frowning. " **We just happen to be very unlucky with you."**

" **So? They gots big buthers and sissies to do it for them. All they gots to do is cry and the bigger babies probly think 'aww, my poor widdle buther/sister don't gots any toys to pay wit. I should go out and get some for them cause' they're cute.'**

" **i've never thought that in my life, also, 'bigger babies?' i'm not a baby pap."**

" **Nyeh heh heh, yes you are silly baby! You's just fat and smart like me!"**

" **no really-"**

" **Except for da' fat part."**

"… **no really, I'm not a baby anymore."**

 _Friggen' brat._

" **Hm?"** Papyrus looked at him with confusion. " **But you smells like a baby…"**

" **because i'm always carrying you."**

"… **And you's bald like a baby…"**

" **because i'm a skeleton. dad's bald too bro."**

" **Yeah, but dat's cause' he old. Old peoples don't gots hair Snas, erybody knows dat! Besides, you also cry like a baby and you pay baby games wit me."**

" **i don't cry like a baby!"**

" **Yes you do. You's in denial big Buther. Ya' gots to embrace da' cute!"**

Flowey picked up another book feeling slightly odd. It had always been quiet in HIS household. His mother and father spent most of their time reading, as did Chara who wasn't a big talker to begin with, and that left Flowey with no one to really talk to.

 _NOW all I want is for people to shut the hell up. Papyrus is so chatty...is he still talking?_

He looked down between the slides in the air vent to see that the baby was, in fact, still causing problems.

" **Is dat why you eat so much? You trying to get big faster Snas?"**

" **i'm not fat!"**

" **You racing baby to the sparklies? You's trying to get there first?"**

" **shut up papyrus!"**

" **Uh oh! Looks like the baby's cranky Pappy,"** said Flowey suppressing a laugh. " **You better stop or he'll start crying again."**

" **Nyeh? You cranky Snas?"**

" **NO!"**

" **You needs me to wash yo' butt?"**

" **i need you to pick up these crayons!"**

 _CA-THUMP!_

Suddenly the door to the Nursery flew open with such force that the doorknob slammed into the wall. _"Sans, could you PLEASE be quiet?! I'm in the middle of researching something very important and I don't need another demon baby making noise! Really, I expected this sort of thing out of Papyrus, not from you!"_

" **HE WON'T PICK UP HIS CRAYONS DAD!"**

 _"_ _I don't care! I'm very busy trying to save the Underground and I don't have time for your childish nonsense!"_ And with that, the irate scientist turned to leave...only to find that a baby bones was now attached to his leg.

"Get off. My. _LEG."_

" **Kay', but first you gotta tell Snas he a baby,"** said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

"Why? So you two can argue some more? STOP CHEWING ON MY PANTS PAPYRUS!"

" **Mamph...no."**

Gaster shook his leg furiously, unable to simply pry him off due to the amount of papers he was holding. "SANS! GET YOUR BROTHER BEFORE I THROW HIM ACROSS THE ROOM!"

" ***sigh* alright, c'mere baby bro..."**

" **NYEH! NO!"** Papyrus kicked his own leg at Sans as his older sibling came near, arms held out to pick him up. " **Go way Snas, dis Pappy and Daddy time!"**

"Noooo, this is the time to let go before you wind up in an _orphanage!"_

 _Not that anyone would take you. I'd probably be sued for emotional distress._

Ignoring his family, Papyrus snuggled up to his father's leg, hoping to go for a ride. If he held on long enough, Sans and Gaster would eventually give up; that's what they usually did anyway.

" **WHY do these three always have to fight? It was never this loud in MY family..."** Flowey rubbed his temple with a vine, trying to will away a headache and keep himself from yelling. It was one thing if Papyrus found who he was, but it was altogether another if GASTER knew. He would no doubt be experimented on even if he DIDN'T know he was the prince, as there were no talking flowers in the Underground.

In truth Flowey was taking a big risk even whispering to himself the way he was. Monsters these days that were sent to the Medical Ward were being reported as "deceased" later on, and he knew exactly why.

They were being drained of their magic.

In order to conduct power for the Underground, Gaster had turned to extracting magic from his patients. He planned to somehow convert it into electricity without the use of a crystal, but that meant he needed a large source of magic to experiment with and no one who knew about Papyrus and the rumors surrounding the lab would volunteer. It's not like Flowey BLAMED them, or Gaster for that matter, but he wouldn't want to be in their shoes either.

 _If this nerd isn't using money as a lure, then he must not be getting paid as much as he used to. I guess since the royal guard is such trash, people are turning to crime rather than trying to find a job or whatever. That probably means they're not paying their taxes too. No taxes means no money for Jibber-Jabber over here, and THAT means more dead monsters._

" **Fools. They cause their own destruction."**

"Hm? What was that?" Gaster looked around the room, hearing a voice echo from somewhere.

 _OH CRAP!_

The tiny plant put a leaf over his mouth, not trusting himself not to blurt out another sentence.

 _DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!_

 _HE'S GONNA FIND ME!_

 _HE"S GONNA FIND ME!_

 _WHY DID I HAVE TO RUN MY BIG STUPID MOUTH?!_

" **Nyeh heh heh heh! Weeee!"** The baby bones laughed happily as Gaster began looking around the Nursery.

He had definitely heard a voice.

Didn't Sans say something about hearing voices...?

"Whoever's in here, come out. You're violating the law. This area is off-limits to the public."

 _Screw you nerd! I'm not stupid. Go back to whatever rock you crawled off of!_

" **he's not gonna come out dad."**

 _DAMNIT SMILEY!_

" **he sometimes does, but mostly he stays in the air vent to avoid Papyrus."**

 _OH MY GOD I_ _ **HATE**_ _YOU!_

"Well your little friend just earned himself a trip to the Medical Ward."

" **huh? but he's not si-** _ **DAD!"**_ Sans cried out in horror as he watched his father turn the thermostat up.

" **wait, stop! you'll burn him!"**

"He's a criminal Sans. I gave him a chance to come out and he refused."

" **that doesn't mean you can just kill him! TURN IT OFF!"**

" **Nnn..nyeh...? Snas?"**

The kid comedian jumped for the thermostat, but came up short. _"_ _ **TURN IT OFF DAD! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"**_

"Trespassing is not a joke child-"

 _"_ _ **PAPYRUS MAKE HIM TURN IT OFF!"**_

"Hmph! As if that infant has any pow-"

" **Turn it off."**

"Hm?" Looking down, Gaster was greeted with a very annoyed baby, his eyes glowing a bright angry orange. "And why should I?" asked the scientist adjusting his weight.

 _These papers are getting heavy..._

" **Cause' I got your leg douche canoe. Turn it off or face baby's wrath."**

"Psh, I am NOT scared of yo-AH!"

 _CROOSH!_

Gaster yelped as the infant sunk his teeth into his leg causing him to drop his paperwork all over the floor.

"YOU LITTLE-RUH!"

" **NYEHHHHHHHH!"**

With an unexpected kick, Papyrus went flying across the room luckily landing in his brother's arms.

" **UHG, GOTCHA!"**

" **Snas..."**

" **you freaking jerk! you can't just kick a baby!"**

"I didn't kick him, I threw him off. I can do whatever I wish anyway, because I'M an adult!"

" **YOU AH-BOOZE DA' BABY!"**

"I didn't kick you!"

" **I'S TELLIN' FLUFFY BUNS!"**

"Fluffy what?"

" **AH! MOTHER-** _ **FUCKER!**_ **WHO THE HELL TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT?!"** Flowey quickly stood upon the book he was reading to spare his roots from the metal flooring he had been previously on. " **YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY YOU PSYCHOPATH?! WAIT TILL EVERYONE HEARS ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO THESE MONSTERS! I'M TELLING THE KING, I'M TELLING YOU'RE ASSISTANTS, I'M TELLING YOUR MOTHER!"** He blew on his roots to dull the pain he was in, glaring daggers at the scientist.

"I'm calling YOUR mother. What's your phone number child?" asked Gaster getting out his phone.

" **My number? Oh sure thing, I'm REALLY gonna give some** _ **CREEP**_ **MY phone number. GO BACK TO YOUR TORTURE ROOM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"**

" **torture room...? what's he talking about dad?"**

" **I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THE SICK MONSTERS HE'S DRAINING MAGIC FROM TO FUEL HIS STUPID MACHINES!"** yelled Flowey angrily. It probably wasn't too good an idea to be spouting everything he knew about the royal scientist's experiments, but he was already caught so…

 _If I'm going down, I'm taking him with me. EVERYbody's gonna know about his crap! I don't care HOW pissed this nerd gets!_

And pissed he was. If he had spent more time exercising, Gaster would have no doubt crushed his phone he was squeezing it so hard.

It would be difficult to make a healthy child disappear, as children were considered the Undergrounds second brightest hope. Parents all over were training them young in the ways of magic, praying that one day the combined strength of their little ones would one day be enough to break the barrier the parents had foolishly put up. If ANY child went missing, it was a big deal and the punishment was nothing to scoff at.

 _Grrah! I want this cretin DEAD, but his parents would go on a witch hunt looking for him and I'm already looking suspicious._

 _…_

 _Then again, Sans said he was hearing this brat's voice some time ago. How long has he been away from home I wonder? Do his parents even care that he's gone? I've not heard word of any missing children as of late..._

"How old are you, err…"

" **Dirt-butt."**

"D-Dirt-butt. Right. How old are you Dirt-butt?"

" **Nyeh hee hee hee hee!"**

" **Who cares?"** replied Flowey stubbornly. " **Why don't you get lost idiot? I'm not looking to be friends with a** _ **murderer**_ **. I have a rep to think about, and every moment I'm seen talking to a nerd like** _ **you,**_ **damages it."**

"So you're popular then?"

 _Damn._

" **Of course I'm popular! I know everyone in the Underground and they ALL love me! I'm the cutest…fl-uh…flame elemental in the world."**

"You're a flame elemental?"

" **Y-Yeah?"**

"A flame elemental who hates heat?"

"…"

"…"

"… **Yes."**

There was a long pause before the scientist finally left the room with a sigh, not bothering to pick up his papers. Whoever this was obviously had no intention of telling him the truth.

 _I REALLY hope this little menace is a runaway, otherwise he could ruin everything. He won't go to the public if he's hiding from his parents, but if I'm wrong…_

 _CA-THUNK!_

" **HA HA! SUCK IT NERD! I'm NOT a flame elemental and my name ISN'T Dirt-butt! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"**

 _Score one for Flowey the Genius, ohhhh yeah!_

 _C-CICK!_

Papyrus gave Flowey a thumbs up whilst munching on a crayon. " **Ho-way for Dir-butt!"**

" **..."**


	32. Sunny-Side Home

**"YIP! YIP!"**

A small annoying dog bounced around the two little skeletons, hoping for one of them to drop one of their tasty frozen treats.

 **"YIP, YIP YIP YIP!"**

 **"i think he wants your ice cream bro..."** said Sans slyly.

 **"ALL HE'S GONNA GET IS MAH FOOT UP HIS ASS! DIS _MY_ ICE CWEAM! GO WAY DOODY-DOG!"**

 **"YIP YIP!"** The dog continued to run about, completely oblivious to the infant's anger.

 **"pap, it's melting."**

 **"*GASP!*"** Frantically, Papyrus lapped at his cone, not wanting his hand and sleeve to get sticky and gross. He usually waited until his ice cream was gone before intentionally getting messy like a good baby, but this dog was proving to be quite a distraction.

 **"YOU WANNA DIE DOGGY? IS DAT WHAT YOU WANT? I USE YO' FUR AS A BLANKY!"**

 **"why don't you just give him a little lick pap? just a little one."**

 **"Nyeh?"** Pap looked at him quizzically. **"You want me to lick da' pup?"**

 **"no-"**

 **"I lick em' on da' snout?"**

 **"no bro, you're not listening to me."**

And the baby _continued_ not to listen, giving the dog a small lick on the nose. Maybe if the doggy thought Papyrus was a friend, he would stop trying to get at his ice cream.

Friends didn't take friend's ice cream.

 **"There you go doody-dog! We friends now, so you go home."**

The dog pawed at his nose and whimpered, not liking how the air was now suddenly too chilly in that particular area.

 **"you're so gross pap, heh heh heh!"**

 **"Nyeh? YOU GOSS! I gots to protect mah cweam cause' SOMEBODY won't look after me!"**

 **"i have one hp bro! whaddya' want me to do, kick em'? he'll bite me and i'll die papyrus."**

 **"Throw a snowball then lazybones! Im-po-vise!"**

 **"now if i do that, i'll have to hold my cone in one hand or it'll get dirty, and eventually my arm will get tired and then _i'll_ have a problem."**

 **"YOU HAVE A PROBLEM NOW!"**

 **"not with these i don't,"** said Sans pulling out an old CD player and ear buds. The batteries were long dead, but luckily for him, Papyrus didn't know that. He could pretend not to hear him as long as the infant didn't start wondering why he never heard anything despite his older brother turning the volume up whenever he yelled.

 **"Why you gotta ignore the baby Snas? I gots a per-dicament over here and you's not helping me..."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"...I hope you drop your stupid stink phallic ice cweam."**

 **"my ice creams not phallic!"**

 **"Yes it is. Why you so cweepy Snas? Don't you want friends?"**

 **"I'M creepy?! my ice cream's just like this, i didn't make it! besides, who pretends his spaghetti noodles are snakes?"**

 **"I does! Da' meatballs be eggies,"** said the baby smiling. **"The biggest noodle be the mama snake and I's the bird that gobbles em' all up! Nyeh heh heh!"**

 **"..."**

 **"Then I eats the eggs."**

Sans chuckled and slurped up some juice from his popsicle. **"you eat the eggs huh? you know there are babies in those eggs..."**

 **"...Nyeh?"**

 **"yep. little baby snakes.**

 **"Nuh uh! The eggs be for the snake's breakfast! People don't eat babies!"**

 **"uh, yeah they do bro. where do you think baby snakes come from? you think the mom just poops them out?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"no. no pap, they come from eggs."**

Papyrus's eyes filled with tears. **"I's eating babies...?"**

 **"uh.."**

 _Oh crap!_

 **"Nyeh…nyeehhh…"**

 **"no! no no no, don't cry! you're PRETENDING to eat babies! your meatballs are made of meat pappy."**

 **"Meat of baby?"**

 **"no bro, they're probably made of magic."**

 **"Magic babies?"**

 **"NO."**

 _Note to self, don't feed Pappy eggs._

 **"Is dis ice cweam made of baby?"** The baby bones held up his melting ice cream.

 **"*sigh* no bro, it's not. just eggs."**

 **"But there be a talking snowman over in Snowdin. Maybe dis ice cweam be his baby!"**

 **"nope."**

 **"But maybe it is! Maybe da' ice cweam man be evil big Buther! Maybe he steals the snowman babies and sells em' on da' market!"**

 **"…i highly doubt that."**

 **"I bet he do. I bet he evil as hell! You just like him cause' he give you food."**

 **"hey screw you pal, I like him cause' he's _cheap-"_**

 ** _"YOU CHEEP!_** **YOU SELL YOUR MORALITY FOR SWEETS! You's bad big Buther, you's bad and I'm telling Daddy!"**

 **"you do that."**

 **"I'm gonna! Imma tell upon you and destroy da' ice cweam man too!"**

 **"the hell you will! you leave that monster alone papyrus!"**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE! IMMA SAVE DA' BABIES!"**

 **"GET BACK HERE!"**

The infant took off like a bullet, the dog and Sans right on his heels.

 **"YIP YIP!"**

 **"GET LOST DOODY-DOG! I'S RUNNING OVER HERE!"**

 **"TRIP HIM! TRIP HIM DOG!"**

 **"DON'T TRIP DA' BABY!"**

 **"YIP, YIP YIP!"**

 **"Huh?"** The ice cream man tilted his head from behind the umbrella of his cart to try and spot where the commotion was coming from. **"Aw-hawww, are you three having fun?"**

 ** _"RUN DUDE! FUCKING RUN!"_**

 ** _"DIE BABY-KILLER!"_**

 _BLOOSH!_

 _BLOOSH!_

Two Gaster Blasters fired in succession, one incinerating the ice cream man's hat.

 ** _"AHHH! WHAT THE HELL KID?!"_**

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"_**

 _BLOOSH!_

 _BLOOSH!_

 **"WHY IS HE ATTACKING ME? SANS YOU SWORE HE WOULDN'T ATTACK ME!"**

 ** _"YOU'S SELLING BABIES ON DA' MARKET!"_**

 _BLOOSH!_

 ** _"SANS GET YOUR CRAZY BROTHER!"_** Screamed the cart-owner ducking down. It was a miracle he hadn't been killed yet, but if this kept up…

 **"I'M _TRYING!_ BRO STOP!"**

 **"I GOTS TO SAVE THE BABIES SNAS!"**

 **"THE ICE CREAM'S NOT MADE OF BABIES, IT'S MADE OF _MILK!"_**

 **"Nyeh?"** Papyrus stopped **. "But is all frozen and-"** looking down at his ice cream, he saw that it was no longer frozen; the heat wafting in from Hotland had melted it, leaving only bits of magic strawberries behind.

 **"*SLUUURP!* EWWWW! Dis NASTY! It taste like medi-sin! You trying to get baby high? You work wit Jerry?"**

 **"yeah pap. he's the _high_ cream man, heh heh heh!"**

 **"…Go home Snas."**

 **"YIP YIP YIP!"** The little dog joyfully lapped up the drippings of the cone, seemingly oblivious to the whole situation. The monster behind the cart was sadly however, NOT so ADHD.

 **"Why don't you BOTH go home? Just-just all of you GO HOME."**

 **"wh-why me? What'd I do?"**

 **"What'd you do? You made a joke instead of I dunno, maybe TELLING YOUR BROTHER NOT TO MURDER PEOPLE?"**

 **"…it was just a joke. I was just trying to lighten the mood a lil' bit, chill out."**

 **"It's not the joke Sans, it's the fact that you ignored what just happened. I've seen you two playing alone for a long time now and it's because of THIS that you ARE alone. You can't just ignore your brother's dangerous behavior or it's going to get _worse-"_**

 **"whatever!"** exclaimed Sans, highly offended. **"who are you to tell me how to raise MY family? you don't know me OR my bro! pap's just a baby, i'm sorry he can't control his emotions ALL the time! i'm not his dad anyway, he's not MY responsibility-"**

 **"You're not much of a brother either. Why don't you try a bit more discipline or something? If that doesn't work, maybe you should consider putting him somewhere he can't hurt people."**

 **"Nyeh…?"**

 **"i'll keep that in mind. in the meantime, maaaybe you should consider minding your own business?"**

 **"You sending me away…?"**

 **"of course not baby bro,"** said Sans, kneeling down and placing a hand on the infant's shoulder. **"you mean the world to me! who'd want to get rid of such a cute baby anyway?"**

 **"Dat's too…but is also too dat you don't gots many friends. Is dat really cause' of me?"**

 **"Of course not,"** said a voice from around the corner. **"These people are just idiots. Idiot cowards."**

 **"flowey!"**

 **"Yes yes, it's Flowey the flower. Here to save the day once again. What seems to be the problem here?"**

 **"This baby-"**

 **"That question was rhetorical. We OBVIOUSLY have another case of a full grown adult picking on a child. Shocker."**

 **"HE ATTACKED ME!"**

 **"The baby attacked you? With what?"**

 **"With his magic cannon things!"**

 **"He attacked you with his magic?"**

 **"Yes!"**

 **"That thing that EVERYBODY has? That thing YOU have?"**

 **"Y-Yeah…"**

 **"…"**

 **"Look, I know what you're getting at talking…flower…but I can't just fight a baby-"**

 **"Why not? If Papyrus is being a turd-sandwich then Beat. His. Ass. Simple."**

 **"Um, Dirtbutt, you's not helping me very good…"**

 **"Who says I'm here to help you? Hit the road thumb-sucker."**

 **"GRR! NYEH!"** With all the strength a little baby bones could muster, Papyrus angrily threw his empty cone at the big-mouthed traitor in front of him, hoping to at LEAST cover him in yucky pink goo. Instead it hit the wall with a *CUSH!* and merely splattered on the ground; Waterfall's runoff quickly washing it away.

 **"Nice shot, you're a regular Robin Hood-"**

 **"STUPID STINK FLOWER!"**

 **"bro, no! we don't throw things!"**

 **"Sometimes I do…"**

 ** _"no_** **we don't!"**

 **"But sometimes I do…"**

 **"He's trying to tell you that you SHOULDN'T throw things,"** said the ice cream man preparing another cone. No doubt the baby would want another one and anyone's G was good G in his opinion, especially in these hard times. The ice cream man was one of the more profitable jobs in the Underground because of the importance people placed on their children, but his image needed to be maintained. Calm, patient, and kind; that was the ice cream man, and he was good at it. Sans had even once called him the _Nice_ cream man as a joke and more and more people were beginning to catch on to the name. Hopefully one day his son would take over the family business, but until then…

 **"Would you like another cone? This time be sure to stay away from Waterfall's exit, it tends to get a bit hot there."** He held the cone out to the infant with a smile, hoping the brothers both would forgive and forget their little argument.

 _WHAP!_

 **"NOBODY WANTS YOUR STUPID MEDICATED ICE CREAM!"** shouted Flowey, slapping the cone out of the monster's hand. Papyrus quickly caught it using his Wingdings and looked at it curiously.

 **"Dis health cweam? Dis good for the baby?"**

 **"Yes it is,"** replied the ice cream man glaring at the plant. **"It's a special blend that's easy to eat and heals children too young for adult medicine and foods. That's why it's so popular…speaking of medication,"** his glare softened. **"Are you in need of first aid? You're a plant, but you look like you just came from Hotland…"**

 **"I came from the Lab actually. And do you know WHY I came from the Lab?"**

 **"Oooh ooh! Pick me! Baby knows!"**

 **"Yeah? I bet Smiley knows too, don'tcha buddy?"**

 **"…is it because I left you there-"**

 ** _"IT'S BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME THERE!"_**

The ice cream man slowly began to move his cart away towards Snowdin, hoping no one would notice him leaving. He didn't know who this flower was, but he'd served customers like this before. The extra G was NOT worth the headache he was currently getting…nor was a cave-in.

 **"how'd you get past the lava entrance?"**

 ** _"I FREAKING RAN SMILEY!"_**

The tiny plant dipped his burning roots in one of Waterfall's shallow puddles. For a moment there, he didn't think he would make it. It took a massive amount of courage and Determination to even _attempt_ the journey, but with the help of his cabin fever, he found the strength to take a chance at freedom. Now though he had another problem.

 _Where am I gonna find a new place to photosynthesize?_

 _I had Alphys's sun lamps in the Lab, but here…_

 **"I need to find a place with good sun…"**

 **"Da' Ruins gots good sun…"**

 **"Huh?"**

 **"bro, you've seen the sun?!"**

 **"Where? Where is it?"**

 _I'm NOT going back to that stupid lab._

 **"Is where dat big-ass door be…and da' doggy door."**

 **"YIP YIP!"**

 **"Big door…?"**

Flowey thought back a long time ago to when he and Chara used to explore the Underground. He remembered a bright field of flowers, but that was in the opposite direction in the throne room near their home…and it didn't have a door.

 _A big door…a big door…_

 **"Ugh, I can't remember what you're talking about!"**

 **"Nyeh?"**

 **"Uh, I mean, I HEARD about the door, from one of your dad's phone calls, but I don't remember what he said."**

 **"…"**

 **"YIP YIP YIP!"**

 **"SHUT UP FUR BAG! YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY ICE CREAM!"**

 _Was there ever a door Chara couldn't get through? One with a doggy door?_

 **"i wanna see the sun…"** said Sans quietly.

 **"You wanna see da' sun? Why big Buther? It hurt your eyes and make you hot."**

 **"the sun is the biggest star in the world though pap…"**

 **"THE SUN'S A SPARKLY?!"**

 **"yep, and it's bigger than ANYTHING."**

 **"Bigger than Fluffy Buns?!"**

 **"yep!"**

 **"Bigger than yo' head?!"**

 **"…yeah."**

 **"If you've seen the sun Trashbag, then WHY are you asking how big it is?"**

 **"…I only see it a widdle bit from a hole in da' ceiling…and only sometimes. Is when da' doody dog go home. There be a hole behind his com-poo-ter dat leads to the Ruins and udder paces too."**

 **"the dog...has a computer. right."**

 ** _"Where is this door?"_**

 **"just ignore him flowey, he's obviously lying,"** said Sans extremely disappointed.

 **"No he's not."**

 **"how do you know?"**

 **"Just trust me he's not!"**

 _We've had problems with this dog since we moved into the Underground._

The Annoying Dog was one of the smaller complaints the kingdom's people had, but he was long lasting and weird. The little creature reminded Flowey of Papyrus in a way, causing problems wherever he went and getting away with it because he 'didn't know any better.' He'd often heard of seemingly random items going missing from various places never to be found again. Some monsters claimed in horror, that they'd seen the dog absorbing some of the items into his body before scampering away, sometimes through the walls as if he were a ghost. The king warned everyone not to pet the Annoying Dog and to keep their distance whenever they could, but it seemed impossible to keep the hound out of any building. Many would cry out in terror upon turning around and suddenly seeing the legendary monster wagging his tail in their kitchen or living room, although the doors and windows were locked and they had been alone only moments before.

Chara had a strange fascination with the furry menace that Flowey always had a hard time understanding. Whenever the dog was spotted, they'd drop whatever they were doing and run after him, only to lose him in a wall somewhere. They'd then pound on the stone and search it for some sort of crease while Flowey let out a breath of relief from behind. The dog reminded him of Papyrus, true, but the absorbtion ability also brought back memories of a monster from an old VHS tape they had found at the Dump simply called the Thing.

He wanted nothing to do with this creature, no matter HOW much loot he had stored away.

 _I don't have a choice anymore though. I need to go through this mutt's tunnel if I want to find a place to gather energy._

 **"YIP YIP!"**

 **"Da' doggy door be in Snowdin. It gots the kingdom shapes on it and is reeeal tall! As big as a tree!"**

 **"…Are you talking about that door in that cave with all the glowing mushrooms?"**

 **"Yeah."**

 **"You idiot! That's not a doggy door!"**

 **"Is too! Is the door the doody dog uses! I _sees_ it!"**

 **"Stupid baby."**

 **"hey, c'mon now. the longer we fight the more pap's ice cream melts. we need the dog to open the door, right? I mean, no one else has said anything about finding his house so…"**

 **"Yep! Da' doody dog gots to go inside first or it don't open."**

 **"alright then, let's go."**

 **"Right!"** Flowey jumped up and wrapped himself around Sans. **"ONWARDS DUMBO! TO SNOWDIN TUT TUT!"**

 **"GET OFF ME!"**

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

Leading the dog with the ice cream, the three reached the cave and went inside.

 **"SEE? No doggy door."**

 **"Nyeh? You blind Dirt-Butt? Is right there!"**

 **"That's NOT a doggy door. Doggy doors have _flaps!"_**

 **"bro, watch where you're swinging that thi-aww! You got it all over my hoodie!"**

 **"Nyeh heh heh, cweeeeen it up."**

 **"you clean it up!"**

The Annoying Dog watched as a glob of strawberry ice cream slid down the side of Sans' sleeve, almost hitting the ground.

 **"You want dis cweam doggy?"**

He said nothing and continued to eye the glob expectantly.

 **"Open the door and I give you all da' yumminess you can dweam of."**

Again, the baby was ignored as the dog licked it's chops and shuffled his paws impatiently, waiting for the glob to fall.

 **"He's not listening to you. Smear some ice cream on the door or something."**

 **"Kay'."**

Waddling over to the door Papyrus stopped and dropped down on all fours, holding his ice cream in the air with his Wingdings.

 **"What the hell are you do-"**

 **"YIP YIP! I's a baby doggy and I wish to pee on da' carpet, but I can't get inside. Oh woe is me! *WHINE*"**

 **"Arf…?"** The dog lifted an ear and tilted his head in confusion.

 **"Of all the stupid…"**

 **"heh heh heh heh! go pappy! show em' what you want!"**

 _SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH!_

Using both hands, Papyrus scratched at the door as best he could, whining pitifully and using his font to communicate. This time, the dog DID listen, turning away from the glob on Sans' hoodie and morphing through the wall in his patent disturbing way.

 **"Ugh, I hate seeing that."**

 **"did…that dog just go through the wall…?"**

 _Weird…_

 **"hm…well whatever, good job bro!"**

Smiling, Papyrus rolled over onto his back and pushed at the door with both feet, opining it. Inside the dog stood on a patchwork blanket panting and grinning as always.

 **"That tunnel better be here you milk-puking-"**

 **"Is under the com-poo-ter I said! Why you no listen Dirt-Butt? Dat's how you learn things ya' know?"**

 **"*WHINE WHINE!*"**

 **"Oh yeah! Here you go doody dog!"** said Papyrus handing over his Ice cream. **"Be sure to eat the cone too, cause' littering is bad, right Snas?"**

 **"right."**

The happy hound ate the entire thing almost immediately, licking his nose and sniffing around for any bits he may have missed.

 **"Nyeh heh heh! He eat like you big Buther!"**

 **"Yeah he does, the PIG!"**

 **"…"**

 **"Speaking of pigs, you might not fit in here Smiley,"** said Flowey inspecting the tunnel with a frown. **"Maybe you should go home and eat some popato chisps, I don't need an entourage anyway."**

 **"whatever! both of you can get bent, I can fit in there no problem!"** exclaimed Sans, though he did have his doubts.

 _We definitely need to widen this tunnel or something if we ever plan to come back here. Papyrus is good at digging and building stuff, maybe he can do something about it later._

 **"NO you can't, you'll get stuck you moron."**

 **"no i won't..."**

 ** _"Fine,_** **learn the hard way. What do I care? Just let me go first."**

 **"No! BABY goes first. I knows da' way, you'll just get lost like the Ugly Duckling. Member' dat book Snas?"**

 **"Did you just call me ugly?"**

 **"yeah I remember the book, but more importantly, you're telling the truth right? If there's a maze of tunnels in here and we get lost, we'll die pap. no one knows we're down here…"**

 **"YOU'RE ugly."**

 **"I knows the way, but you gots to follow mah butt kay'? Follow the baby butt and don't go nowhere else. Even if you see a Veggie monster, you gots to follow the butt Snas, or you get lost. Lossa tunnels down here."**

 **"You're ugly and you're stupid."**

 **"iiii won't wander off baby bro."**

 _Why do you two think I'd risk my life for some food? Do I really eat that much?_

 _…_

 _Nah, it's probably my hoodie. My hoodie's padded and it's making me look fat. I should probably take it off before I crawl through here…_

 **"Also don't touch da' butt, or I calls the guard."**

 **"No one wants to touch your butt you pervert! Well…maybe Smiley does, his drawings are weird-"**

 ** _"THEY'RE SPACESHIPS!"_**

 **"But I'M the one who's going to be behind you, not him."**

 **"But then who gonna push Snas if he get stuck?"**

 **"No one. If this fatass gets trapped it's HIS problem not mine. I already told him he wouldn't fit; now let's go."**

Nodding, the baby bones crawled under the desk and into the tunnel, Flowey following close behind. There were a lot of things the plant hadn't checked out in the dog's room; things Chara would've KILLED to inspect and/or steal, but Flowey had little interest in anything but finding some sun.

He could always come back anyway.

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

 **"Would you hurry up? The wet dog and baby smell is making me want to throw up."**

 **"Slow your roll Dirt-Butt. I's Papyrus the Baby, not Sonic the Hedgehog. You wait."**

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

The three took a left and continued on at an annoying slow pace, being careful not to scrape themselves on the hard rocky walls. Especially Sans, who had had seconds thoughts about all this half-way through the journey. Every so often Papyrus would stop and look over his little shoulder to see if his brother was still behind him; he would then be rewarded with a thumbs up, though the baby could see he was struggling with the encroaching claustrophobia that seemed to be threatening even Flowey's sanity at this point.

 **"OH MY _GOD,_ WOULD YOU JUST HURRY UP? HE'S FINE!"**

 **"Shut da' fuk up Dirt-Butt, or I kicks you in da' face."**

 **"YOU JUST TRY IT! I'LL BITE YOUR LITTLE TOES OFF!"**

 **"play nice you two, heh heh."**

 **"Shut up Smiley, you're not my mom."**

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

Finally, the tunnel started to become wider and then wider still, eventually opening up into what looked like a cliffside of sorts. The place was an empty dead end that overlooked the mining city people called "Home."

 **"uhh…I don't think we're supposed to be here baby bro…"**

 **"Dis be the Old City where we gets da' crystals Snas-"**

 **"Correction; this is where we USED to get the magic crystals,"** said Flowey. **"Then some idiot screwed everything up and released a bunch of poisonous gas in the city's mine."**

 **"Lossa monsters used to live here, but then there were too many babies, so they moved, but there still be peoples..."**

 **"Are…are you not listening to me? NO ONE'S WORKING THERE, THIS PLACE IS POISONOUS, WE NEED TO _MOVE."_**

Sans nodded. **"he's right pap. not all gases can be seen; this place could be toxic-"**

 **"Nuh uh! I's here yeserday!"**

 **"Bullcrap."**

 **"I ate a worm and climbed a rock, and sniffed da' flowers like dis *SNIIIIIIIFFF!*"**

 ** _"UGH,_** **DON'T _DO_ THAT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO _DO_ THAT!"**

 **"*SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF!***

 ** _"SMILEY GET YOUR BROTHER!"_**

 **"who built these ruins? did someone live here before we came? i don't see people building half a home, if you can even call this a home, and then quitting in the middle of it to build another one."**

 **"HELLO?!"**

 **"the architecture is completely different from the rest of the kingdom too…"**

 ** _"SMILEY!"_**

 **"you swear you were here yesterday bro? the gases haven't reached this far yet?"**

 **"*SNIIIFFF!* Yep. The sun place be dis way, but you gots to watch out for the traps, so follow the baby kay'?"**

 **"I hate you, I hate you BOTH and once I find a new place to get some sun, I'm gonna live there for-EVER! I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THAT NURSERY, DO YOU HERE ME? NEVER!"**

Ignoring Flowey, the brothers began their trek further into the Ruins. There were a lot more traps than Sans was expecting, but it only served to increase his excitement. More traps meant a higher chance of his younger sibling telling the truth, and these WERE traps. There were pits that led to small empty rooms that had no ladders to speak of, switches designed to confuse them hidden behind pillars in the dark, and there was even a room that couldn't be crossed from one side unless you had something of considerable weight on three buttons in the ground…unless of course you were tall. That was what disturbed Sans the most; the fact that the traps seemed to be for small creatures who couldn't step over the barricades. The further the three went, the more his excitement turned to fear as he realized the traps were NOT built by the monsters currently living in the Underground and they were clearly meant to cause suffering and eventual starvation.

 _This couldn't have been Asgore's work. I know he said he would gather souls from anyone who fell into the mountain, but these look like they were meant SPECIFICALLY for children…and I know he's a good person. Besides, so far I've only seen one door that leads to the Ruins and he can't fit through that tunnel, no way._

 _Who would BUILD things like this?_

 **"these are horrible…"**

 **"Hm? What are you complaining about?"**

 **"the traps…you've been looking at the traps right flowey? they're different…"**

 **"So? Who cares about these stupid traps, they're ruined anyway. SHE messed everything up. You're getting scared over nothing; whoever lived here before is long gone…probably."**

Sans took a deep breath. Flowey was right, the traps had obviously been altered a long time ago and no one had come to fix them. The prison pits had been stripped of their doors and their floors laced with heaps of fallen leaves to break the fall of anyone who fell into them, having obviously been put there by someone seeing as the area lacked any trees. The switches built to confuse had been painted bright colors that could easily be seen, and even the room with the floor switches had been filled with rocks, one of which claimed had been placed there by someone they couldn't see due to their lack of eyes.

 **"UGH, are you KIDDING me? She put instructions on the freaking WALLS? That's so lame!"**

 **"who's this 'she' you're talking about?"**

Before the plant could answer, Papyrus lifted them all up with his wingdings and glided everyone, including himself, over the giant pit trap before suddenly speeding off into a room.

 **"HEY BRO, WAIT!"**

 **"DID HE FIND IT? IS THIS THE ROOM?"**

 **"*CRUNCH CRUNCH!*"**

 **"…"**

 **"hey uh, pap? you probably shouldn't eat that…"**

 **"LOOK SNAS! Candy. *CRUNCH CRUNCH!*"**

 **"…"**

 **"…you okay flowey?"**

 **"…Never coming back."**

 **"Want some of dis candy Dirt-Bu-"**

 ** _"NO!"_**

They continued on, Papyrus's onesie crinkling with the rest of the monster candy having been stuffed inside.

 ** _"FINALLY!_** **DO YOU SEE IT SMILEY? DO YOU SEE THE PROMISE LAND?"** The plant pointed excitedly towards a sunlit patch of flowers. **"IT'S THERE! IT'S RIGHT THERE! WE'RE SO _CLOSE!"_**

 **"yep, iii see it. don't think we'll be able to actually see the _sun_ though from all the way down here…"**

 **"*Yawn* I's sweepy…I gets the shiny tomorrow, kay' Snas? Is nap time for the baby…c'mon Dirt-Butt, we go home now."**

 ** _"NO! NO NO NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T FREAKING TOUCH ME! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, PUT THOSE AWAY! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOOOOOWN!"_**

 **"put him down bro, he can get back on his own, right flowey?"**

 ** _"YES!"_**

As soon as Papyrus desummoned his wingdings, Flowey took off with all the speed of a cheetah; racing for the sunlit patch that would be his new, and hopefully quiet, home, his leaves outstretched.

 _I'M GONNA MAKE IT!_

 _I'M GONNA MAKE IT!_

With one giant leap the tiny plant dived into the flower patch and dug his roots into the warm soil triumphantly. **"LOOK SMILEY! I MADE IT!"**

 _CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK!_

 **"Don't patronize me you fat piece of-"**

Sans stopped clapping. **"what do you want from me?"**

Ignoring the child, Flowey turned around and basked in the sun's warm glow, spreading his leaves wide in order to collect as much energy as possible. This place was perfect. Bright, quiet, and tidy; it had a great view of the opening to Mt. Ebott that only someone who could stretch out as long as Flowey could see. A wonderful little lookout where he could not only spy approaching humans, but maybe even lure them in…after all, it's not like sound couldn't pass through the barrier. All he had to do was find someone stupid.

Just one. Good. Idiot.

 _Heh heh heh heh…_

 **"uhh…dude, are you alright?"**

 **"Dirt-Butt got dat scary face big Buther…"**

 ** _"HA HA HA HA HA HA ALL THE SOULS WILL BE MINE! I'LL LURE THEM ALL IN! HA HA HA HA HA!"_**

 **"o-kay…we're going on ahead. you catch up later alright?"**

 ** _"NEVER COMING BACK!_** **HA HA HA HA HA! UNSTOPPABLE! UNTOUCHABLE! UNDEFEATABLE! HA HA HA HA HA!"**

 **"Nyeh…?"**

 **"I'LL BE ALL POWERFUL! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"**

 **"we're going now-"**

 **"I'LL BE THE ULTIMATE RULER!"**

 **"Bye Dirt-Butt!"**

 _I'll be a GOD._


	33. House

" **huh?"**

 **"Hey Snas, how you spell yo' name? Is with an S or a Z?"**

 **"what are you talking about?"**

 **"Is S-N-A-S or S-N-A-Z? It sound like da' latter, but I's a baby, so I don't spell good."**

 **"what exactly are you putting my name on?"** asked Sans, eyeing the piece of paper in his brother's hand.

 **"Is a flyer."**

 **"what's on the flyer?"**

 **"Letters."**

 **"bro-"**

 **"Letters and a picture of you that I taked. Lookin' fine in dat lab coat big Buther..."**

 **"seriously pap, what are you putting my name on?"**

 **"Is a job wanted flyer! I knows you doesn't like working for Daddy for no monies, so I'm gonna get you a new one!"**

Sans took the paper from his brother and began to read it out loud. **"big-ass baby looking for work. cute butt, cute head, cute everything. has experience in being daddy's slave-bro you're not posting this."**

 **"Why not?!"**

 **"many reasons."**

 **"You like being Daddy's slave?"**

 **"no, but if we're starting with the obvious, this picture is inappropriate."**

 **"It's yo' butt!"**

 **"i can see that-"**

 **"I took the picture so they knows I's not lying. There be a picture of your head and your feets underneath like a flippybook-"**

 **"what is it with you and butts lately papyrus? you keep bringing them up and it's weird!"**

 **"Pooburty."**

 **"babies don't go through puberty."**

 **"Oh."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"...I needs a doctor big Buther..."**

Sans ignored him and continued to read the book he was holding, crumbling the paper Papyrus had made into a ball and shoving it into his coat pocket. He had _hoped_ the act would make his brother get the message and go away, but the baby didn't seem to care that his hard work had been destroyed. Instead, Papyrus merely pulled out another sheet and began to scribble on it with a pen.

 **"Okay, how's dis? Big-ass baby looking for work, lossa experience being Daddy's slave. No butt stuff."**

 **"papyrus, no. i appreciate what you're trying to do, but no. it sucks that i don't get paid, but i enjoy my job, so it's _fine."_**

 **"*Tch* Lazybones! Work not supposed to be fun!"** Grumbling, the infant angrily scribbled out what he wrote and started again. **"Kay'...big-ass baby looking for _fun._ Lossa experience being Daddy's slave, but still needs to be punished. He's been real bad-"**

 **"what?"**

 **"He's use to abuse and likes to abuse others-"**

 **"i'm abusive? i'm abusive because i don't want another job?"**

 **"He be very obee-di-ant and likes to act like animals when he play. He go 'WOOF WOOF! ARRROOOOO!"**

 **"gimme that freaking paper."**

 **"Dis be Snas's number, call if you gots any kestions or weequests."**

 **"don't put down my number."**

 **"No number...? Kay', I go change it to yo' email."**

Sans paused. **"'go?' what do you mean 'go?' where are you go-ING?"**

 **"Undernet."**

 **"the undernet?"**

 **"Yep!"**

 **"you put my cell number on the undernet?"**

 **"I putted the job thingy and yo' cell number. Now I gots to copy dis stuff and then post da' flyers so ERYBODY knows about you. "**

 **"..."**

 **"Also I didn't know how to spell Snas, so I put Sans kay'?"**

Sans' sockets went dark.

 _RING RING!_

 **"LOOK SNAS! An employer..."**

 _RING RING RING!"_

 **"Isn't you gonna answer your phone big Buther? They might has a fun job for you..."**

 _RING RING RING!_

Looking at his pocket warily, the comedian reached inside and took out his phone, looking at the number.

 **"*sigh*"**

 _It's just Dad._

 **"hello? hey dad, sup?"**

"You know what's 'sup' child..."

 **"nooo, can't say that i do actually. you realize i'm in the next room right? you can just come talk to me."**

"Well yes, I suppose I COULD do that, but there's a slight problem."

 **"you're busy?"**

 _"I'M DETAINED!"_

Sans pulled the receiver away from his head. **"what?"**

"SOMEONE FOUND YOUR POST ON THE UNDERNET AND NOW I'M BEING QUESTIONED BY THE ROYAL GUARD!"

 **"wh-heh heh ha ha ha ha ha ha!"**

 _"IT'S NOT FUNNY SANS, THEY THINK I'M SELLING MY CHILDREN! WHY WOULD YOU PUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT ON THE WEB?"_

 **"did you actually _read_ the post or...?"**

"OF COURSE NO-it was your brother wasn't it?"

 **"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

"Put that little shit on the phone."

 **"alrighty,"** turning around, Sans held out his cell phone to his little brother who grabbed it with both hands.

 **"Hellwoe? What you want?"**

 _"TAKE THAT POST DOWN RIGHT NOW PAPYRUS!"_

 **"Nyeh? Papyrus? I's not Papyrus, dis be da' pizza shop..."**

 _"PAPYRUS!"_

 **"We gots da' cheesy pizza, da' peppy-roni pizza, and we gots pizza with widdle fishies on them. They look like dis,"** Papyrus widened his eyes and opened his mouth, imitating a dead anchovy.

 **"heh heh heh..."**

 **"You want dat pizza? Is good..."**

"I _WANT_ YOU TO TAKE DOWN THAT POST!"

 **"What post?"**

"YOU KNOW WHAT POST!"

 **"No I doesn't. Look sir, if you doesn't want a pizza, don't call here kay'? Cause' dis be the pizza pace."**

 _BEEP!_

Papyrus hung up.

 **"I think he bought it big Buther..."**

 **"...why?"**

 _BE-CUN!_

 _"PAPYRUS GET THAT GODDAMN POST OFF THE UNDERNET!"_ screamed Gaster from the intercom.

 **"uh. oh! heh heh heh!"**

 **"Uh oh Snas!"**

 **"what are you gonna do bro?"**

 **"There's only one thing to do,"** said the baby bones reaching into his toy chest. **"I gots to run away."** He pulled out a little plastic Mickey Mouse purse he had found at the Dump and began stuffing it with crayons.

 **"you're gonna run away...?"**

 **"Yep, but don't worry Snas, though fate tears us apart dis day, I's certain we shall meet again!"**

 **"heh heh ha ha ha! where you gonna go bro? you gonna go live with flowey?"**

 _He's been gone an awful long time...maybe he's really NOT coming back..._

 **"No, baby already tried that,"** said Papyrus thinking back to last week.

* * *

 **"NO. No no no no, you get the HELL out of here-"**

 **"Hellwoe Dirt-butt! I's come to visit you! Nyeh heh heh!"**

 **"Did you not hear me? GT...F _O."_**

 **"Why you staring at da' ground Dirt-butt? Didja lose something?"**

 **"YEAH I LOST PEACE AND QUIET! WHAT PART OF 'LEAVE' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"**

Continuing to ignore the plant, Papyrus crawled around and patted the ground with a smile.

 **"What are you doing?"**

 **"What's it look like I's doing?"**

 **"Not leaving."**

 **"I's looking for the quiet..."**

 **"..."**

 **"I know it be around here somewhere, don't chu worry. The Gweat Papyrus gonna find it real good-"**

 **"I know you're not stupid Papyrus,"** said Flowey frowning. **"You may have everyone ELSE fooled, but I KNOW better-"**

 **"SHHH! You'll scare away da' quiet Dirt-butt!"**

 **"Knock it off."**

 **"What the quiet look like? Is it small? Like, really REALLY small?"**

 **"Yeah it's small, SMALL LIKE YOUR BR-"** the plant stopped short. **"You know what? Forget it,"** he said, smiling slyly. **"Forget looking for the quiet. We'll make our OWN quiet, how's that sound?"**

The infant's eyes immediately lit up. **"Ooooh! We doing da' arts and crafts?"**

He loved arts and crafts, but Flowey NEVER joined in with him and Sans. He instead preferred to watch from the air vent whilst occasionally shouting down insults centered around their creations.

Not that it _bothered_ Papyrus per say.

Flowey was obviously just upset that he couldn't use the glue without getting his petals and/or roots stuck together, which would've been sad if he didn't handle it in such a pathetic manner like all his other problems.

 **"No, we're gonna play a game. The QUIET game..."**

 **"Ki-et game...?"** Papyrus looked disappointed.

" **Yep, the quiet game; it's where we sit still and make no noise whatsoever. Whoever talks first loses, okay?"**

 **"Kay'."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"...We's playing right now?"**

 **"Yeah, isn't this fun?"**

 **"Yep! I really like sitting around in a field doing nothing like an asshole!"**

 **"YOU CAN LEAVE!"**

 **"No really; doing nothing is a baby's favorite thing to do, cause' we doesn't know how to be pro-duc-tive members of so-ci-et-y..."** said Papyrus before lazily rolling onto his back and sticking his foot in his mouth.

 **"..."**

 **"Also I can't leave until I beats you in round two, then I'll be da' game master!"**

Flowey snorted. **"You didn't beat me in round _one,_ so how do you suppose you're going to do that?"** he asked, placing his leaves where his hips would be.

 **"Easily,"** replied the infant. **"And I did too beat you. You's just a sore loser, like always."**

 **"I AM NOT!"**

 **"Perhaps you should get on baby's level Dirt-butt?"**

 ** _"I DIDN'T LOSE!_ All i did was tell you that the game started and that doesn't count!"**

 **"Git good scrub flower, nyeh heh heh!"**

 **"Whatever. Even if I DID lose, YOU'RE being a sore winner!"** said Flowey turning away.

This made Papyrus sit up and scratch his skull in confusion. **"...Dat don't make sense dough. How can baby be sore if baby won? You's making stuff up-"**

 **"NO I'M NOT!"**

 **"You wants an apo-lo-gy?"**

 **"YES!"**

 **"Kay'."**

 **"..."**

 **"..."**

 **"...Well?"**

 **"I'm sorry you suck."**

 ** _"GET OUT OF MY FIELD!"_**

* * *

 **"...And dat's what happened."**

 **"what?"**

 **"What?"**

 _RING RING!_

 **"...You want some pizza Snas?"**

 **"go take down that post,"** said Sans turning off his phone.

 **"If I takes it down will you pay wit me?"**

 **"uhh..."** he looked at his book and then back at Papyrus. He was in the middle of it, nowhere near the end, but he doubted he'd get much studying done if Gaster managed to convince the guards to step aside.

 _Dad and Pap will be at each other's throats all day if the guards leave, and dogs don't have the greatest attention span to begin with..._

 **"uhhh, yeah sure, i suppose i could spend some time with ya' if you want...depends on what we're playing though."**

 _I'm not playing Hide and Seek with this cheater again, THAT'S for sure. Last time he used the security cameras to find me, the little brat._

 **"We pay House!"**

 **"heh heh heh, house huh? and lemme guess, you wanna be the baby right?"**

Papyrus ignored him and crawled back to his toy box shifting loudly through the multitude of broken toys.

 **"whatcha' looking for baby bro?"**

 **"Nyeh heh heh!"** the infant laughed happily as he raised a fairly large stick in the air triumphantly, his brother watching him in confusion.

 _Why does he have a stick in his toy box?_

 _CLACK CLACK CLACK!_

Hobbling around on the stick, Papyrus grabbed a clipboard with one tiny hand and looked at it disapprovingly. **"Wrong, wrong, wrong. Dis be all wrong. Don't chu know anything besides food? You went to doctor school didn't you? Sometimes I thinks you's just here to clean out da' vending machines..."**

 **"wh-what?"**

 **"Where da' patient at? You didn't eat them did you? You know we need those things for monies-"**

 **"what the hell is your problem?"**

 **"Well I gots a whale in my staff room, so PETA's bound to give me a call sooner or later, other than that though it's just my leg...oh, and the fact that you suck at yo' job."**

 **"your...leg hurts...?"**

 _What?_

 **"The patient OB-VI-OUS-LY gots da' heatstroke, so we needs to put them in the feezer or they no get better. I doesn't know why you thought it be a good idea to put em' in a hospital bed."**

 **"put em' in the freezer huh? heh, iii don't think that's a good idea lil' bro."**

 **"I stopped paying you to think when I re-ah-lized you's bad at it. Now you follow orders. INTO DA' FEEZER!"** exclaimed the baby pointing to the ceiling dramatically. He then dropped the clipboard and plopped down on the floor, waiting for his older brother to respond.

 **"okayyy...?"**

Papyrus stared right through him and waited silently; a smile plastered on his face. Apparently he had no intention of giving Sans any more instruction, despite never mentioning where, or more importantly, _who_ the patient was supposed to be.

 _Am I supposed to go find one of his dolls or something?_

Knowing his brother, that probably wasn't the case, but Sans went to the toy box anyway in hopes that the baby Horror would be as happy with a non-living patient as he would a live one.

He was immediately stopped in his tracks.

 **"Where you going Dr. Snas? We gots to save the patient or they's gonna die! Leave the toys alone, those be for sick babies..."**

 **"where do i go then pap? where's the sick guy?"**

 **"Nyeh?"** Papyrus looked around. **"*GASP!* SNAS!"**

 **"what?"**

 **"THE PATIENT'S ASCAPED!"**

 **"they escaped huh? and why would anyone wanna escape a hospital? that's where people get healthy bro!"**

 **"They must be hippies Snas!"**

 **"really pap?"**

 **"Quick! We gots to catch em' before they go online and convince peoples to use natural home re-me-dies and herbs instead of medicines!"**

 **"herbs ARE medicine."**

 **"..."**

 **"...what?"**

 **"You's fired."**

 **"i'm fired...?"**

 **"You's fired. I can't and won't have druggies working under my stupervision. No wonder you's bad at yo' job!"**

 **"i'm not a hippie, and that's very offensive."**

 **"I doesn't wanna hear your excuses. Have your desk cweened out by dis afternoon,"** said Papyrus. He crawled away, exiting the lab door that led to Waterfall, and leaving his older sibling alone. He was sad that he couldn't have Sans be his employee anymore, but at least Undyne had gotten home from daycare by now; he could play House with her. She wasn't very smart, but at least she wasn't a _drug user..._

His brother could be REALLY disappointing sometimes.

 **"psh, whatever,"** muttered Sans picking up his book. **"i didn't wanna play with you any-"**

 _Wait a minute._

 ** _"PAPYRUS TAKE DOWN THAT POST!"_**

 ** _"NYEH!"_ **

_PUMP!_

Papyrus kicked the glass door to the lab with his foot and continued on angrily.

Go munch a tree, hippie baby.


	34. What's with The Water?

**"You wants some more flowers hippie baby?"**

 **"heh heh heh, dontcha' think i got enough here bro?"**

 **"If I did, I wouldn't offer you more, now would I?"**

 **"no need to be a smartass pap...and stop calling me hippie baby! i'm not a hippie _nor_ am i a baby; i'm five years older than you-"**

 **"Shu up and eat yo' plants hippie baby."**

 _FOOP!_

Suddenly without warning, Flowey popped up from the soil glaring venomously at Papyrus.

 **"Greetings Dirt-Butt!"**

 **"Hiya buddy! Don't mind me, I just stopped by to return the crap you left in my field!"**

 **"crap...?"**

 _SWISH!_

With one swift movement, Flowey threw a used diaper, apparently filled with feces, at the little baby bones.

 **"PAP!"**

 _SPLARSH!_

The infant dodged it and looked behind him to see it splatter in a disgusting mess against the rocky wall before sliding down into the Dump's water basin to join the other trash piles.

 **"HEY! DAT WAS A GIFT FROM DA' BABY YOU INGRATE!"** yelled Papyrus angrily.

 **"IT WAS CRAP! LITERAL _CRAP!_ WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE LEAVING CRAP IN MY FIELD?"**

 **"PLANTS _LIKE_ DOODY! I SAWED IT ON DA' VIDO GAME!"**

 **"video game...? what video game?"**

Papyrus turned to Sans. **"Chara had a vido game a long time ago where they planted stuffs and milked moo cows..."** he said, picking another flower.

 **"wh-what?"**

 **"He's talking about Harvest Moon Smiley, you've never heard of it because no one plays with you."** Flowey pointed to the mess on the wall. **"THAT is _not_ fertilizer bottle breath, and I don't NEED fertilizer to begin with-"**

 **"i wanna play the video game..."**

 _How come I wasn't invited?_

 **"You can't play it unless you have a certain game console Smiley, and those aren't for poor people like you. That game's boring anyway-"**

 **"Nyeh? You payed the game Dirt-Butt?"**

 **"Uh, no...but I HEARD about it..."**

 _Damn it, I need to stop doing this..._

 **"You's lying. I bet you just feel bad about selling yo' family for profit, so you's trying to cover it up! Dat game not boring big Buther, it got goats!"**

 **"Stop."**

 **"yeah bro, that's not cool. just because he's a flower doesn't mean vegetables are his family."**

 **"No, I meant about the goats,"** said Flowey sporting a serious look. **"Stop talking about the goats."**

 **"Why? Those be da' best part! YOU CAN MILK THEM DIRT-BUTT."** said Papyrus, his eyes sparkling. **"When I first sawed dat, I was like 'ooooh! _I_ gots a goat friend! I bet if I ask Azzy real nice, he'll give me all the milk I wants-"**

 **"Shut up."**

 **"But when I asked him for some of dat goaty-goodness, he said no and it made me sad..."**

 **"WHAT PART OF SHUT UP DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND TRASHBAG?"**

 **"what's your problem flowey?"**

 **"So I waited till the middle of da' night..."**

 **"Papyrus."**

 **"...And I cweeped into his room..."**

 **"PAPYRUS!"**

 **"And I-"**

 **"AND HE GOT HIMSELF THROWN OUT OF THE CASTLE. THE _END!"_**

 **"Noooooo, dat's not what happened Dirt-Butt! You doesn't know the whole story cause' you wasn't there. First, Azzy yell and kicked the baby-"**

 **"WHICH YOU DESERVED!"**

 **"Then he go 'DAAAAAAAD! THE CREEP BABY'S IN MAH ROOM AND HE'S GRABBIN' MEEEEE! WAAAAHHHHHH!"**

 **"I DID NO-HE DID NOT CRY LIKE THAT!"**

 **"Yeah he did, and Chara was like, 'shut up crybaby,' and Azzy was like, 'WAAAAAHHHHHHH!' and then Chara was like 'SHUT UP ASRIEL,' and then Azzy was like, 'DAAAAAADDYYYYYY!' and then Chara was like, 'I WILL CARVE YOU LIKE PUMPKINS-"**

 ** _"SHUT UP PAPYRUS, YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!_ HE'S LYING SMILEY, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"**

 **"Then ol' Fluffy Buns came in and said, 'silly child, if you wanted to stay over, you should've just asked! Ho ho ho!' and then Azzy go, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-"**

 _WHAP!_

 ** _"NYEH!"_**

Flowey smacked the ground with a vine, startling the baby bones and sending him falling backwards into the shallow water.

 _SPLASH!_

 ** _"FLOWEY!"  
_**

 ** _ _"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, IDIOT BABY!"_  
_**

 ** _"NYEHHHHHHHHHH!"_**

 **"aww it's okay bro, don't cry,"** said Sans picking his brother up out of the dirty water. **"what's your damage weed?! he's only a baby!"**

 **"HE IS AN ASSHOLE!"**

 **"YOU'RE an asshole! he was just telling a story, and knowing pap, it probably wasn't even _true!_ you gotta give your patriotism a rest my man-"**

 **"He made me fall in da' rainbow water Snas! Now I smells like Dirt-Butt..."**

 **"SCREW YOU!"**

 **"yeah, we should get you changed before you get sick. you didn't swallow any of this did ya'?"**

 **"No, the fish lady said this water be only for the flowers dat grow here...and Daddy say rainbows are for the gays. I can't drink dis."**

 **"that, *pfft!* that doesn't mean you didn't swallow some on accident baby bro, ha ha ha ha!"**

 **"Gay flowers huh?"**

 **"I didn't swallow any. I's ALWAYS careful at da' Dump big Buther. If I swallows the rainbow water I'll turn into a gay baby and then you's gonna hate me."**

 **"psh, no i won't! not that you even know what that word means..."**

 **"Course I do! I look-ed it up! It means homo."**

 **"uh..."**

 _Aw crap, does this mean I have to worry about him being racist towards homosexuals now? God damnit Dad!_

 **"Homosapien."**

 **"w-what?"**

 **"Gay means homo and homo stands for homosapien. I sawed it on the compooter."**

 **"HA HA HA HA! iiiii think you're confused baby bro,"** laughed Sans loudly.

 **"Nope. I look-ed it up. It mean homosapien...and homosapien means human."**

 **"heh heh heh, okay pap-"**

 **"Dat's why Undyne don't drink the water even dough she a fish and erybody runs through da' Dump super fast; if you drinks the water or stay in it too long, the bac-teary-ah soaks into yo' body and turns you into a human."**

 **"Bacteria...?"**

 _Wait a minute..._

 **"cool story bro! ha ha ha ha ha ha! tell another one!"**

 **"ERRRRRNNNN!"**

 **"Hold on Smiley,"** said Flowey, remembering something important. **"Chara mentioned this to m-uh Asriel, once...while I was hanging with my fellow flowers. They said it was the bacteria in the water that made it look rainbow colored and if you drank it or it got into one of your cuts, you'd get a disease."**

 **"Yep! Is too! The water-"**

 **"bullcrap."**

 **"No really Trashbag, Chara said-"**

 **"i don't care what this 'chara human' i've never met said. the water might make you sick, but it doesn't turn you into a human,"** said Sans wearily. He could already sense a long-ass debate heading his way.

Usually, Sans liked to argue things, especially with adults. It made him feel smarter regardless or whether or not he won and it left him with something to think about at night when he was bored.

Flowey however, was different.

It wasn't that he lacked the skill to have others see things his way, but he often resorted to petty insults whenever he began to lose or got too frustrated in general. He wouldn't ADMIT to losing either. he always either had some kind of excuse or ended the conversation with "whatever, you're an idiot," or something along those lines. Sans had THOUGHT he'd been freed from his obnoxious arguments, but though the plant no longer lived with them in the Nursery, he still popped up from time to time to yell at Papyrus for something.

Apparently, the baby bones was still visiting him and causing trouble.

 **"So, what, Smiley? You think humans just fell out of the friggen' _sky?_ Have you ever even HEARD of the theory of evolution? EVERYTHING COMES FROM BACTERIA. Maybe if you'd get your head out of those stupid space books of yours-"**

 **"how the hell does a kid like you know about the evolution theory? what kind of expensive-ass education-"**

 **"DON'T YOU BE WORRIED ABOUT _MY_ EDUCATION BONE BAG! Focus on _yours_ a little, and you'd be a lot more open-minded and a lot less stupid!"**

 **"pff, whatever. the evolution theory says bacteria _turned_ into humans, not _changed_ other creatures into them...whatever school you went to, you clearly weren't paying attention."**

 **"The government covered it up."**

 **"shut up pap."**

 **"What if they did Smiley? People lie all the time, maybe the humans didn't want to admit they came from gross stuff so they changed the science books!"**

 **"you're both insane."**

 **"Maybe Chara was trying to warn Asriel about the disease. Maybe the reason the Dump is open to the public is because the king's trying to turn monsters into humans!"** cried Flowey putting his leaves to his cheeks. **"I bet he's using the water to solve the Underground's overpopulation problem...I bet your brother's eaten _dozens_ of humans by now, he just can't crawl fast enough to get the souls to Asgore before they disappear...I bet that's why he comes to the Dump so much, isn't that right Pappy? I'm right, right?"**

 **"Nyeh? But I only eated one human..."**

 **"come on bro, we're leaving."**

 **"Heh heh heh, better take a shortcut Smiley. I bet the water's even MORE dangerous for skeletons...you're already SUPER close to being human and those slippers aren't very protective."**

 **"you don't scare me kid."**

 **"It'd be a shame if any of this stuff got in between your joints and ate through your ectoplasm..."** said Flowey thoughtfully.

 **"so what, it's acidic now?"**

 **"If it does, your ectoplasm will probably seep out of your joints while you sleep and start growing and growing until it covers your bones like a slimy jumpsuit."**

 **"gross."**

 **"It'll crawl up to your skull and engulf you like a cocoon. You'll wake up gagging on your newly grown esophagus, doing everything you can to scream for help, but no one will hear you."**

 **"seek help flowey."**

Sans grunted, slapping at his brother's jacket with his sleeve in an attempt to get the disgusting grime off the back. He didn't believe what Flowey was saying in the slightest, but that didn't mean he wanted to touch it.

 **"*sigh*** "

 _Darn, I might have to throw this away..._

 **"...Then your vision will darken and darken as your eye sockets fill with expanding goop that eventually shapes itself into eyeballs and your new eyelids will blind you because you won't know how to open them! Wouldn't that be _horrible?"_**

 **"are you done?"**

Apparently not, as Flowey only grinned wider and coiled himself around the two skeletons. **"Poor, poor Smiley...pretty soon, no one will recognize you,"** he said, hugging and petting Sans' skull. **"Disgusting hairs will grow from your body and the only person who'll find you appealing...is your widdle baby brother...your little...HUNGRY...brother-"**

 **"get off me! papyrus would never eat me, would ya' pappy?"**

 **"..."**

 **"bro...?"**

 **"...I might nibble yo' hairs."**

 **"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY HAIR!"**

 **"Your hairs and yo' fingernails-"**

 **"YOU CAN'T HAVE EITHER, I NEED THOSE TO LIVE!"**

Flowey laughed and looked down from Sans' shoulder, amused though slightly bothered. Staring intently at his own reflection, he thought about the Dump. He didn't believe his own spiel either, but it WAS strange that the king would leave such a diseased area open to the public. This place was the only real connection to the human world they had and most of the Underground's technology came from the items found floating downstream. Through reverse engineering, monsters had been able to create stoves, fridges, lighting, and even some more advanced things like cell phones, televisions, and computers; but...

 _But the Dump and the stuff inside it aren't restricted to just scientists, engineers, and other educated monsters; kids like us can waltz in like it's no big deal and take whatever precious artifacts we find no problem._

 _Why?_

 _Shouldn't all this rare stuff be used for technological purposes rather than sales fodder or toys? This place should be restricted, especially if it makes you sick!_

 _Where's the "No Kids Allowed" sign?_

 **"flowey tell papyrus humans need their hair to live!"**

 **"...What?"**

 **"papyrus says humans don't need hair to live and he's wrong!"**

 **"They doesn't Snas. Is just there to look good."**

 **"no it's not! they need their hair to stay warm, isn't that right flowey?"**

 **"How the hell should I know? Stop bothering me, I'm trying to figure something out-"**

 **"you know because you're all patriotic and stuff! you know everything about the royal family because you follow them constantly. can, er, _could_ chara live without their hair?"**

 **"I don't KNOW Smiley! I didn't friggin' ask them, okay?! God..."**

 **"I seens Chara too Snas, and they only had hair on their head and a widdle on their arms...dat's not enough to keep them warm."**

 **"humph! well mayyybe they didn't have a lot of hair yet because they were still _little_ pap, ever think of that? maybe grown humans look like asgore."**

Papyrus smiled at the wall. **"You's tripping balls big Buther..."**

 **"no i'm not."**

 **"Is da' shrooms right?"**

 **"The what?"**

 **"Want some more plants hippie baby?"**

 ** _1_**

Sans slapped the flowers out of his brother's hand.

 **"...You's lucky you gots one hp muder fucker."**


	35. Competitive Cowardice

" **NYEH HEE HEE HEE!"**

"*Sigh* Why...why do you do this? You know that's not right."

" **...I's ready to go Daddy..."**

"No. No you're not."

" **I's ready to pay in da' snow..."**

"We're visiting the king," said Gaster, taking Papyrus's boots and putting them on correctly.

 _He should be doing this himself._

" **The king in the snow pace?"**

"No."

" **He building a snowman?"**

"NO."

" **alphys is sick baby bro,"** said Sans opening a cabinet. " **so i have to help dad work for the next few days. the king volunteered to babysit you for a while-"**

" **HE GONNA SIT ON DA' BABY?!"**

" **no pap-"**

" **HE GONNA SIT ON DA' BABY!"**

" **papyrus…"**

" **YOU GOTS TO TELL HIM I'S NOT AN EGG BIG BUTHER!"**

" **what...?"**

" **You gots to tell him I's not an egg! The king be reeeaal tall and stuff so when he sees a tiny skelly baby such as myself, he only see mah bald widdle baby head and he probably think 'wowie, I find-ed a tiny widdle egg on mah doorstep! I bet there be a baby chicken inside...I bedder sit on it, or is gonna get cold-"**

" **you're wearing clothes bro."**

" **Yeah, but he can't sees em' cause' he too big...Imma draw a smiley face on my head. Where the markers be?"**

"You're not allowed to have markers."

" **Dat don't mean I doesn't need em'. Baby is NOT a butt-plug."**

" **what's a butt-plug?"**

Gaster sighed, already exhausted. He didn't want to bring Papyrus all the way to New Home, and he wanted to leave him there even less. King Asgore was the Underground's only hope of escape at the moment...the only solid one at least. He was Gaster's safety net of sorts if Sans turned out to be unable to teleport his brother past the barrier. Without the king, the royal scientist would be an even bigger nervous wreck then he was now, but no one else was willing to watch Papyrus and there was no way on earth the little troublemaker would leave them alone while they worked.

Picking up the baby bones with his wingdings so as to avoid being bitten, he looked the infant in the eye. "His Highness is very lonely Papyrus," he said gravely. "and what's worse is he doesn't know the full extent of your horrendous behavior. That means he's going to be spending a lot of time with you rather than simply leaving you to play his lost children's video games; that being said, you need to be kind to him. If he dies, there will be no one strong enough to wield the human souls and break the barrier, understand?"

" **Ooooh! Fluffy Buns gonna pay wit da' baby?!"**

" **yep, so be nice to him bro. no hitting, no biting, no tearing anything up-"**

" **Okay, okay. I's gonna be nice and quiet and just read books like a good bae."**

"NO BOOKS. Do you hear me? NONE. Do not read him ANY stories. He can read to you, but do NOT read to him, do I make myself clear?"

 _The last thing I need is an hour-long phone call from the old fool trying to find the right words to tell me how to raise my child._

Gaster got a lot of those from the queen long ago if he remembered correctly and they annoyed him to no end. Not just because she took forever to get to the point, but because she refused to even _consider_ the possibility that HER kids were the ones that needed a talking to. In her eyes, it was always Gaster's fault, not her precious Asriel or _Chara._

 _Even though Papyrus spent most of his time around those two and I'M always working, it's still somehow more likely MY influence, right._

 _I do wonder though, whatever happened to the old hag?_

 _I know she abandoned her husband and the kingdom, but where exactly did she run off to?_

" **I can pay wit da' snails?"**

"You'll do what he asks you to do."

Papyrus blew a raspberry in the scientist's direction, splattering him with drool.

" **NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"**

" **have fun baby bro, and tell me everything when you get back okay? maybe if you're reeeeally good, the king will help you get into daycare!"**

"Absolutely not," said Gaster, placing the baby bones under his arm. "sending him to daycare is out of the question with its current management."

" **huh? why? what's wrong with undyne's mom?"**

His father shook his head. "I _know_ the woman who works there _personally._ She uses her child's temper as a tool for suing parents who leave their children at the daycare she now runs. Whenever Undyne throws a tantrum and hurts someone there, her mother accuses the parents of child abuse, claiming that despite Undyne's reputation, the children keep trying to play with her because their parents order them to. She has the king completely convinced that they're getting their kids hurt on purpose so they can sue her. It's a complete lie of course, she used to work at the lab pulling the same money-grubbing stunts until I fired her."

 _And this was BEFORE the Underground was such a poverty pot._

 _No doubt she'll try to use Papyrus somehow, wretched woman…_

"Her husband fought and died in the war and so Asgore not only sees her as a lover of children who does everything in her power to enrich their lives, but also sympathizes with her. He sees her as a single-parent with a troubled child living in a bad economy and thinks she's selfless and kind, when in reality she's as greedy as they come."

" **well...she can't go doing that forever and ever and ever though right? even if everyone's poor, the king will eventually figure out she's lying. he can't believe the ENTIRE underground's out to rob her."**

 _Even if everybody IS poor, he should know he's being punked. Not EVERYONE is gonna gang up on ONE person, especially if they need that person to watch their kids._

"He'll figure it out eventually, yes...but for now, Papyrus needs you. He's better behaved when _you're_ watching him anyway; now I expect the beakers to be in place by the time I get back Sans-"

" **Nyeh? Snas not gonna tellyport da' baby?"**

" **nope. dad wants to make me do all the prep work and use your trip to asgore's as an excuse."**

Gaster rolled his eyes and left the lab. There was no point in retorting, Sans would never understand how lucky he was compared to the other children in the Underground. Unlike them and himself, he wasn't a victim of poverty and no amount of arguing on Gaster's part would rid the boy of the entitled attitude that came with living comfortably.

 _Lazy ungrateful brat...he really thinks every kid sits on their ass all day while their parents work. Preposterous. Back in MY day, we used to work in mines and factories at his age and both places were messier than the Nursery. We spent most of the money we earned on medicine just so we could work more and he's complaining about setting up a few beakers...?_

"I thought Sans Serifs made up for their lack of strength with superior intellect, but clearly I was wrong. Damn that Charles Dickens and his god-awful Oliver Twist novel! If Sans hadn't gotten ahold of that book-"

" **To be, or not to be! Nyeh hee hee!"**

"That's Shakespeare."

" **I has look-ed upon all da' universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me."**

"And that's Lovercraft."

" **Waz Lovecafe?"**

"Dr. Seuss for adults; you know what it is, you just quoted it."

" **Is mac and cheese?"**

"YOU JUST QUOTED IT."

" **Yeah, but maybe I read-ed it off the box?"**

"I highly doubt any form of Kraft Mac and Cheese would put the words 'horror' and 'poison' on their box," said Gaster tightening his grip on the baby bones. The spring platforms were dangerous in Hotland when you were carrying things. It made him (and a lot of other people he imagined) wish that the elevators were better maintained as good food was only really found at the Resort or in Snowdin. That meant people who lived in Waterfall not only had to brave the harsh climate of Hotland, but also somehow carry their groceries back home across the springboards if ever the elevators were to break down, which was often...and today.

" **WHEEEEEEE! DO A FLIP DADDY!"**

Despite the overpopulation problem, there just weren't many people who knew anything about complex machinery. Some monsters knew about the compromise Asgore had made with the humans long ago, but most did not. The deal was if he worked together with them to destroy the Horrors, they would refrain from mass genocide and settle for the monster's self-imprisonment within Mt. Ebott. The king, in his cowardice, took the agreement and kept it secret from all his people, aside from the handful of Boss monsters he needed to raise the barrier itself...Boss monsters that had to put the barrier up from the outside in order to get it to work, which resulted in their destruction. His Highness, claiming the reason for the team up was because the Horrors posed a bigger threat to the earth, was left with weak monsters of all sorts with different backgrounds. None were prepared for Mt. Ebott. They weren't a group of scientists, engineers, or soldiers, they were simply confused citizens who were one day told to gather inside a mountain by their king before being sealed inside and fed a bunch of lies.

 _There's no one left down here who knows how to fix the elevators except me now, thanks to Papyrus. Asgore's lucky I was already in here before this place was sealed, or he'd have quite a problem._

It would've been nice if he could go back to what he was doing BEFORE the monster came to Mt. Ebott and began piling work on top of him. He wanted and had been studying the strange climate changes within the mountain, trying to hypothesize if the volcanic activity had anything to do with the strange weather and if the source of all magic really stemmed from the Earth's core, or if it was just a chemical reaction; but it had been so long since he'd seen his notes, he doubted they hadn't already been chewed up by the hellspawn under his arm. Luckily, skeletons had the lifespan of a monster, and Asgore not only knew about the lack of educated monsters in the Underground, but was doing something about it, putting emphasis on certain subjects in schools and introducing the students to daily logic puzzles so that the next generation would be more tech savvy. It would take a while, but by the time most of the children in the Underground reached adulthood, most of them would know the basics of at LEAST electrical engineering and be able to fix those damn elevators.

 _If Sans didn't have one hp I'd absolutely enroll him, but I need someone to watch Papyrus and he'd most likely be killed by one of those bratty school children. He's too shy, small, and weak to be near anyone immature...I can't risk it. Especially when I'm so swamped with work._

"It almost makes me want to try again...make a new clone and split it in half, this time the RIGHT way...but if I make another mistake, I'll have FOUR children..."

" **Nyeh?! You's gonna make more babies?!"**

"Absolutely not."

" **I wish to have a widdle sister. Not like Snas, I mean a REAL sissy-"**

"Sans is the closest thing to a girl that will ever come near you, and I can say that with the utmost confidence."

" **Undyne a girl..."**

"You heard what I said."

 _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_

" **Who there?"**

"What?"

" **Snas say, when he do dat, I's supposed to say 'who there."**

"..."

 _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_

" **Who there?"**

"Stop that."

Opening the door, Asgore greeted the two with a warm smile. " **Welcome Gaster, I'm so glad you decided to bring your little one in person rather than having Sans simply teleport him here."** He bent down until he was eye level with Papyrus. " **You're looking adorable as ever Papyrus, it's nice to see you too! You look like you've gotten a bit bigger since we last saw each other, ho ho ho!"**

" **You too."**

"PAPYRUS! I'm so sorry your Highness-"

" **Oh don't worry about it, I'm sure he means well."**

" **NYEH HEE HEE!"**

Handing Papyrus to Asgore, Gaster frowned as he watched the baby bones snuggle into the king's chest...a tactic the infant usually used to distract the people he was trying to steal from.

"Get your wingdings out of his pocket. I told you to behave yourself!"

" **He's only curious my friend! I remember when my little Chara was still alive, they used to go through** _ **everything-"**_

" **Where all da' monies at? You's a king aren't you? You's supposed to be wich!"**

" **Ho ho ho, you've got your brother's sense of humor I see!"**

 _"_ _ **YOU'S**_ **NOT FUNNY!"**

" **We're gonna have such a fun day!"**

" **ERRRNNN!"**

"Alright, I'm heading off. I'll return for Papyrus as soon as you call me," said Gaster turning to leave.

" **As soon as I call you?"**

"Correct. When you reach the point where you no longer wish to watch him, give me a call and I'll pick him up. One, two days would be nice, or whenever you feel like your life is in danger-"

 _"_ _ **NYEHHHHHHH!"**_

" **Ah! Oh dear, it's alright little one, I'm sure he was only joking,"** said the king, bobbing the infant up and down in his arms.

"He's not upset. He's only crying because that's what babies do when their parents leave for work, or in my case, to go shopping. Papyrus will do what's expected of other babies, as long as you're watching him, in order to convince you he's a normal infant…despite his exceptional talents. If he gets hungry, simply leave him by himself and he'll fetch his own food, in fact, leaving him to his own devices is probably the best thing to do in general, especially if you're at a loss."

" **Leave him by himself? That's madness! I know he's not a monster Mr. Wingdings and so should thus be raised differently, but my house is built for large creatures…my cabinets may as well be closets in his eyes! What if he gets into my cleaning supplies? He could be poisoned!"**

" **I's going straight for da' soap!"**

"NO you're not. He's not your Highness. Remember, he's a natural born liar and unfortunately, another trait he shares with his brother is he's very attention-seeking."

" **Is you seeking mah foot up yo' ass? Cause' dat's what it sounds like douche Daddy…"**

Gaster didn't respond. He simply turned and left, leaving behind a very confused and concerned king.

" **We's gonna read a book Fluffy Buns? Daddy said I could read alllll the books I wanted while I's here…"**

" **Um…s-sure…"** said Asgore, carrying the Horror into the living room. He sat down into his chair and watched as the baby bones used his wingdings to grab a random book from the shelf, all the while struggling to shake the uneasy feeling that had been steadily growing within him since he picked the infant up.

He was familiar with Horrors…he had fought them in the war after all, but he had little to no experience with their children. Apparently, the majority of baby bones were supposedly more intelligent than monster babies, though it did differ with each infant and had a lot to do with their typing. Verbal Fonts, which is what Papyrus was if he recalled, were the first to learn language and so were able to hold entire conversations at a very young age; entire _coherent_ conversations. While other children struggled with multiple lisps, Verbal Fonts would speak clearly and be careful to only alter their speech enough to sound cute and maintain the love of the adults around them.

 _An intelligent infant is a dangerous thing…combine that with Papyrus's ability and my love for children in general, and I'm at even greater risk._

 _I must be very careful of what I say…_

" **So Papyrus, if I recall correctly, each time you've visited my home you've crawled straight for my children's room to play. We've never really gotten to know one another, have we?"**

Papyrus stopped flipping through the book. " **Nyeh?"**

" **Why don't you tell me about yourself little one?"**

The baby bones looked at his book and then back at the king as if he were unsure of what to say. For a moment Asgore thought he wasn't going to speak at all; perhaps talking to Papyrus like an adult wasn't the best idea. Gaster DID say he tended to act like a regular baby in front of others…

 _Did I make a mistake?_

" ***Ahem* My name be Papyrus and I's two years old** ," said the baby bones holding up two fingers. " **I enjoy cuhwering, long crawls on da' beach, and my big Buther's company…his peasants I mean, he not own a company."**

" **Heh heh ha ha!"**

" **As for my own endevors, I help the Underground by selling cheap affordable drugs to junkies so they overdose and die…or I WOULD do dat, if SOMEBODY would stop cutting off my supply."**

"…"

" **Dat someone be YOU Fluffy Buns…"**

"… **I would appreciate it if you'd get out of the drug trade Papyrus,"** said Asgore averting his eyes.

" **Well I would appeciate it if you'd stop fuking wit my job security, NYEH!"** Papyrus threw the book he was holding onto the floor. It didn't have any pictures, so it was basically useless.

Not something meant for babies anyway.

" **Dis book suck! Where da' pictures at Fluffy Buns? You get dis from the weird part of the library?"**

" **Seriously Papyrus, about your job-"**

" **One time I went to the library to get some books for Snas, and I found a book just like this…cept' it wasn't like this, it was all soft like a blankey**!" exclaimed the tiny skeleton hugging his Highnesses beard.

" **Papyrus."**

" **Dis book was weird as hell Mr. Buns! I open it up and it had zippers and buttons in it! BUTTONS! Who puts buttons in a book? They didn't do nothing either! I undid the zipper AND the buttons and there no pockets or nothin'. What dat spose' to teach the baby? How that edgy-cation-al? I thought it would at LEAST have pockets with stuff in em' but it didn't have CWAP!"** yelled the baby kicking his tiny legs.

"…"

" **I talked to Dirt-Butt about dis and he said the book was a met-a-phor about life. He said is supposed to teach you that life is full of disappointment and people who look for free hand-outs deserve to BE disappointed-"**

" **What? No!"** cried Asgore horrified. " **The book you're describing is most likely a** _ **sensory**_ **book. It's a book that acts as a toy for-who is this 'Dirt-Butt?' Why would he say something like that to you?!"**

 _What kind of-_

"… **I thought it was deep."** Papyrus picked the abandoned book back up. " **Dis a meta-book too? What it mean?"**

" **It…it doesn't mean anything. It's a book about snails."**

" **I think it mean…exercising yo' ima-gin-ation be more important than relying on someone else's. Dat's why it don't gots pictures. Is saying 'exercise your ima-gin-ation and make yo' own pictures. Make your own books wit pictures so OTHER peoples can enjoy them. Give back to da' community.' What you think Fluffy Buns?"**

" **I think it's a book about snails."**

 _CA-CLACK!_

Papyrus dropped the book again.

"…"

" **I liked dat book, is easy to read."**

" **You didn't read it."**

" **There was dis one meta-book I find-ed that I still can't read dough. Is hard like dis one, made of wood, but it had weird stuffs inside dat was scratchy and rubbery and foamy and-"**

" **That's another sensory book. Babies are supposed to touch the things inside the book to learn what they feel like."**

" **Even the dead kitty?!"**

" **Dead kitty?"**

 _What?_

" **There be a page inside that say 'kitty's are soft, feel how soft the kitty is?' and there be fur sticking out page! I touched it and it was** _ **real fur**_ **Fluffy Buns! Someone squished a cat in a book and put it on the shelf!"**

" **No."**

" **They squished it flat like Undyne…"**

" **No, also don't talk about Undyne's chest like that…it's not nice."**

" **Why not? She do! I ask her one time, 'hey Fish-Lady, where your boobs be? Yo' muder gots boobs, so where yours?' and she go, 'I don't know, I think they ran away while I's sweeping. My mama keeps hers in a hammock cage thing so they don't get away, but she never bought me one cause' she cheap."**

Asgore rubbed at his temples as if trying to will away a headache. He didn't know if it was Papyrus's seemingly boundless energy, continuous change in subject matter, or lack of listening skills, but the boss monster was feeling more and more drained as the conversation continued.

He expected a Verbal Font to be a chatterbox of sorts, but he didn't expect it to _physically affect_ him. It felt as if his mind were currently running a marathon whilst leaving his body behind.

 _Perhaps I'm just getting old, it's not as if Asriel didn't ask a million questions when HE was younger after all…though he wasn't anywhere NEAR as bad as this. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, toddlers are one thing, but babies are quite another; they know even LESS about the world around them. Everything is new and exciting for a baby, so of course a Verbal Font like Papyrus is going to want to talk nonstop about even the smallest of occurrences._

Peeking through his fingers, the king watched Papyrus chatter on, seemingly oblivious to the world around him.

 _Stars above, I can only imagine how tired Mr. Wingdings must be on a regular basis. Perhaps I've been pushing him too hard with all these demands…as important as they are, his children should come first._

"… **So I say, 'you needs boobs Fish-Lady for your footure babies! Erybody knows muder milk be the most nutritious!' and then she did dat thing where her eyes get real big and her voice get loud and she scream, 'OH MY GOD! WHAT IF SOMEONE STOLE MY BOOBIES WHILE I WAS SWEEPING SO THEY COULD HAVE FREE MILK?! WE MUST CAPTURE THESE VILLAINS AND BRING THEM TO JUSTICE!"**

Asgore brought his hands down. " **Was this last week?"**

" **Nyeh? I don't know, why?"**

" **Because I got a lot of complaints about Undyne last week. That's why."**

" **Then yep, probably, cause' she and I went around asking people bout' her boobs and she beat up lossa people. The ones who laughed. She said only bad guys laugh at the unfor-tune-ate."**

" **That's,"** the king groaned pitifully. " **That's not a good reason to assault people…"**

" **Is good enough for her."**

" **I CAN SEE THAT,"** said Asgore loudly before quickly catching himself and correcting his volume **. "How about I make us some tea?"** Getting up, he sat the baby bones on the chair behind him and headed towards the kitchen, a tactic he often used whenever he was in an uncomfortable situation, however he didn't miss the glare the little Horror shot him on his way there.

" **Babies don't dwink tea! Babies dwink MILK! Dat's why Undyne's boobies be so important! Why you no listen?"**

" **I'm listening…"**

" **No you're not, you weave right in da' middle of mah story!"**

" **You've told many stories already, why not take a break?"**

" **A bake? I don't need no bake! I gots to pactice my font daily or I'll be weak when I gets big!"**

His Highness glanced over his shoulder, placing a full kettle of water on the stove. " **I see…so these stories of yours are a way for you to practice your lying without suffering any severe long-term consequences. I suppose it's safe to assume then that most of what you've said about Undyne's…rampage, is entirely false?"**

" **I doesn't remember ERYTHING she say, or the EXACT words she used, but I's still telling the tooth. I's a good bae, ya' know? I help Undyne when she was feeling sad about not finding her boobies even dough I didn't have to. I told her mah Daddy could make her some new boobs wit his science and then she was happy, all cause' of me."**

" **Your father eh? So if I call your father, he'll tell me the same thing?"**

" **Yep. I aspect so. He the one who solved da' mystery of the missing boobies too! My Daddy a hero even dough he suck."**

" **Right."** The king stood in near the stove watching the kettle, he was torn between going back to the living room and hiding in the kitchen. He WANTED to keep listening to Papyrus, but he was tired and the infant's loud high-pitched voice was becoming unbearable. He wasn't sure how much helium Gaster was pumping into that baby's room, but it sounded lethal, which was too bad because one of the few things Asgore took pride in was the fact that he was a much better listener than his wife. He loved her, but he was all too aware of her awful tendency to jump to conclusions before hearing an entire story and how much pain it could bring others, so he made it a point to do better. To BE better. It was almost like a secret and silent competition of sorts where he would struggle to become the prince's favorite parent…though it was embarrassing to admit and deep down, he knew it wasn't right.

There was even a shameful time when he went overboard and blamed her a bit for their children's deaths, though he NEVER said anything about it verbally. As king, he had to work most of the time to maintain the Underground, especially considering the shape it was currently in, which meant TORIEL was in charge of watching the children throughout the day. He didn't know exactly WHEN Asriel left for the human village, but there was a time when he suspected it was while his wife was supposed to be keeping an eye on them. The idea should have made angry or sad, but instead he only felt an embarrassing sense of triumph that he hated himself for.

That is, until Gaster set him straight one night at Grillby's.

"Don't be a fool. Your child left in the middle of the night; it was no one's fault, much less your own, unless you make a habit out of watching your offspring sleep."

" **How can you be so sure? We don't have cameras around our house OR the barrier."**

"Common sense. Her Highness homeschools them in the morning so it'd be impossible to leave at that time and had the prince left in the afternoon, it would have taken him hours to traverse his way down the mountain due to the unfamiliar terrain and to even FIND the village. He'd only be able to reach it by nightfall when most of the humans sleep."

" **I…I see."**

"You've spent most of your life in the countryside, you must know what it's like. The small villages that dot such places usually comprise of farmers…an early to bed, early to rise type of people. There's little to no chance that there'd be enough of them awake to swarm your son, unless he left in the middle of the night and arrived at the village in the morning. Blaming yourself is irrational behavior, as is drinking away your day at the bar."

" **Y-You're right…thank you."**

"… **Then I tell Undyne to use her cute voice cause' my stink Daddy don't look up from his papers, but she still scu it up. She go 'peas mister science man, can you make me some new boobies? I needs em' for my wife and kids."** Papyrus shook his head. " **Stupid Fish-Lady, I told her she stupid too. Wives don't need milk, BABIES need milk, but she call me a clown fish and told me to shut my cwap mouth. 'You doesn't know ANYTHING stupid baby! I saw my mama use milk for her coffee and big people LOVE coffee, so he gonna feel bad for mah wife and kids and give me boobs for a bargain!"**

"… **I'm curious as to what your father's response was."**

" **Daddy told her dat she took after her muder and to ask HER where her boobies were."**

Asgore nodded, though the baby couldn't see him.

 _Ahh, the old ask-your-mother response. I remember using that many a time._

If he recalled however, it never ended well. Passing uncomfortable situations like that onto his wife proved to be...problematic, as the queen was stubborn in her ways.

" **I do hope you didn't bother that poor woman Papyrus."**

" **Nyeh? Poor?"** Papyrus looked confused. " **She not poor! Undyne's muder wich! I knows cause' she gots vases with no flowers in them. I asked her why that be and she said it was none of my beeswax and to not come in her house when the door be locked…I think she sold Undyne's boobies Mr. Buns, but I can't proves nothing…I think dat's what Daddy was trying to tell us."**

" **I assure you, she did nothing of the sort-"**

" **Can I borrow yo' boobs Fluffy? You doesn't need them no more right? You give them to Undyne?"**

" **I don't…I don't** _ **have**_ **those things,"** said Asgore, wincing as he heard the pitter patter of tiny boots headed towards the kitchen.

" **You look like you do…"** said the baby peeking around the corner.

" **WELL I DON'T."**

" **But you look like you do…hey, what chu doing?"** asked Papyrus tilting his head.

Picking up the infant, Asgore began carrying the Horror towards the room he was currently renovating. " **Why don't we go play a game while the water's boiling, hm? I'm sure you'd rather spend time playing than talking to an old man like me. I'll even play** _ **with**_ **you! How's that sound?"**

" **Annoying…"**

" **Ho ho ho!"**

As his Highness began to set up the game counsel (something that had to be done every time his children played a game), Papyrus glanced around the room, the previous conversation forgotten. Nothing had really changed since he'd last been in here…in a sense anyway. Chara and Asriel had always been very competitive and it continuously resulted in the destruction of everything in the area except the game counsels they were using. The place itself was a mess of broken toys like the Nursery, but there were scorch marks every which way and bits of splintered wood from destroyed furniture. To his right he could see something that may have once been a table of sorts, so he imagined the princes might have been eating and gaming in the same place; a practice he THOUGHT their mother had banned long ago due to the stains on the wall from food that had no doubt been thrown in a rage after one of the children's gaming sessions.

Despite spending so much time together, the two had personality traits that contrasted greatly with one another. Asriel was a coward and Chara wasn't.

That being said, the little goat monster had a tendency to use underhanded tactics to win games when he saw he was losing, such as complaining to their mother about Chara killing Yoshi so he could keep his high score in Mario, or pretending to "accidently" pull his controller out of its socket so his loss wouldn't count. It infuriated Chara, who was much more mature when gaming, and it often led to violent fights and ultimately their games being taken away for a week or so while the king and queen had the game room repaired.

As a baby that valued courage more than most, Asriel's behavior disgusted Papyrus, but he stayed quiet about it while he was over. After all, the baby was a guest and no one was perfect. He suspected that Asriel's parents and environment in general played a big part in feeding his friend's cowardice, that and monster babies weren't like skelly babies. They didn't seem to have the natural instinct Papyrus had to try and grow up properly. They weren't born with a sense of discipline or ambition; In fact, from what he DID see, all monster babies did was sit around and wait for others to do things _for_ them. He knew because they didn't change when they became toddlers or even children like Asriel. They still spent all day playing for fun and making demands instead of practicing their magic or trying to intentionally learn new things.

" **They spoiled."**

" **Hm?"** Asgore turned from the counsel and looked around. " **Yes, I suppose we did spoil our children a bit. There are times when I wonder in fact, if they'd still be alive if I had been stricter with them…made them afraid to leave the house without permission."** He chuckled and sat on the floor next to Papyrus. " **Then again, children will be children and Asriel shared his mother's stubbornness. He'd of left no matter what I threatened him with."**

Papyrus took up a Gamecube controller and glanced doubtfully at the king. " **You know how to pay dis game, or is you gonna be an old person da' whole time?"**

" **Excuse me? I set up the game-box didn't I? Just because I'm old, doesn't mean ALL technology eludes me young man!"** Turning on the game, they watched through the cinematics until only the title screen SUPER SMASH BROS MELEE remained with the words "PRESS START" fading in and out at the bottom.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… **Why isn't it starting?"**

" **See dat button in the middle of the controller there?"**

" **Which button?"**

" **The only one in da' middle. The one that say 'start."**

" **This one?"**

" **Pess it."**

Asgore pressed the start button and they were taken to another screen with multiple choices that immediately made the infant regret keeping quiet about the choice of game.

" **So this is that Super Smashing Fighters game you all love so much! Look at all these options…since I'm a 'noob' heh heh heh, I think I need some training…what does '1-P' mean?"**

" **Go to 'VS. Mode."**

" **Alright…oh. Oh I see,"** said Asgore as he was taken to the character screen **. "Going straight to the game are we? You're like Asriel it seems. You don't want to give me a chance to learn how to play, you just want to** _ **win."**_

" **No Fluffy."**

" **You wish to take advantage of my old age and lack of understanding."**

" **No. We's gonna fight as a team. Pick yo' peoples."**

" **OH! OH I KNOW THIS MONSTER! IT'S PIKACHU!"**

" **Pick yo' peoples."**

" **How do I pick Pikachu?"**

Taking the controller from Asgore, Papyrus hovered over the yellow mouse and pressed the 'A' button. " **You see dis button Mr. Buns? See how it gween like a stop light? Think of dis button as the 'yes button' If you want something you use the 'yes button' to get it. The red button here be the 'no button' if you don't want something, you pess the 'no button' kay'? Cause' red be a bad color dat means STOP like a stop sign."**

" **What?"**

" **Use dis to pick stuff and dis to go back."**

" **Oh alright."**

So as to avoid more annoyances, Papyrus went ahead and made the proper arrangements for their team battle, choosing Kirby as his character.

" **Dis game needs more babies…"**

" **Papyrus. Papyrus look."** Asgore pressed a button on his controller **. "He's got a little hat, ho ho ho!"**

"…"

" **Aren't you going to dress up your pink guy?"**

" **He don't get clothes till he eat you."**

" **Oh my goodness, there's a princess in the game! Papyrus choose the princess, I bet she has nice clothes…oh no wait, be Pichu! That's Pikachu's baby right? We can be a family of fighters!"**

" **Pichu sucks."**

" **But we can be father and son and-"**

Papyrus quickly changed his character to Pichu and put Princess Peach and Kirby in the other two slots as their opponents. " **Okay, there. I's Pichu. We pay now?"**

" **Does he have any-"**

The baby bones changed his costume.

" **How adorable! This game is so very very** _ **cute!**_ **I don't see why Tori had such a problem with it…maybe she didn't know about the outfits? She had a habit of making mountains out of mole hills that woman…how do we proceed?"**

Pressing 'Start' they made it to the stage selection screen where, thankfully, the king immediately chose the one with the giant pokeball on it, having apparently recognized the object from an old video series his children had found miraculously intact at the Dump.

As the game began, Papyrus's annoyance faded a bit as he watched Asgore test out the controls without asking about them. He may not have known much about technology, but obviously his battle instincts transferred into the game, as he seemed to instinctively know not to distract Papyrus during the fight…that is…until he noticed their opponents where no match for the Horror.

" **How do I catch you?"**

" **Nyeh?"**

" **How do I catch Pichu? Every time I throw these pokeball things at you they turn out to have someone in them already. Where are the empty ones, or how do I empty them out before catching you?"**

" **DON'T CATCH DA' BABY!"**

" **You'll be** _ **safe**_ **in the pokeball. It's part of a grand strategy-"**

" **Dis not Pokemon! Dis** _ **MELEE!**_ **You just supposed to kill da' pencess and the pink bae-"**

" **What? Killing?! This is a FIGHTING game Papyrus, we're supposed to be JUST fighting, not killing!"** His highness grumbled in frustration as the princess sent him flying into the abyss.

 _BOOSH!_

" **Is just a game Mr. Buns."**

" **There are more important things in life than winning, child. Don't-DON'T YOU PICK UP THAT HAMMER PAPYRUS! Did you not get in trouble for using such a thing in real life?!"**

 _BOOSH!_

Once again, Pikachu met his end to a frying pan.

The baby bones patted the king's arm in an attempt to comfort the agitated monster. " **Don't be mad Fluffy, you do bedder next time!"**

" **What? I'm not angry! I'm not angry and that's not the point!"**

" **You are. You's mad cause' the pencess be kicking you in your asshole."**

" **She's not-she's not** _ **beating**_ **me, I'm letting her win because she's a** _ **woman.**_ **It's not good to hit women Papyrus, that's not how a gentleman behaves!"**

" **Liar. She kick yo' ass and now you's mad."**

" **I'm NOT angry. There's nothing to be ANGRY about! This isn't even a real GAME child! I told you I didn't know how to play, so I need training. This game doesn't count, it's merely a learning experience!"**

" **A learning ah-sperience?"**

" **Quite."**

" **Hm…then perhaps during dis game you can learn to be less of a bitch."**

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… **What?"**

" **I'm calling your father."**

" **Nyeh? Why? What I do?"**

" **You're using naughty words and doing naughty things."**

" **Ohhh, you wanna cry to my Daddy cause' you feel embarrassed and you wants time to get good."**

" **That's not what I said!"**

" **You wanna send baby home so you can pactice."**

" **Absolutely not!"**

 _REEEEEEEEEE!_

" **Oh look, yo' tea be done! Now you can go to da' kitchen and peetend mah Daddy just called to check up on things!"**

" **PERHAPS HE** _ **WILL**_ **CALL!"**

 _CA-THUM!_

As Asgore stormed away, slamming the door behind him, Papyrus crawled over to the prince's toy chest to scavenge for new crayons to take home with him.

It was unfortunate that Asgore and Asriel were so very much alike when it came to anything competitive, but that didn't mean he and Papyrus couldn't get along in general. He had had a good time talking to the king and even though he was mad, the infant wasn't worried in the slightest. His Highness was upset, but he wouldn't stay that way forever. Despite the fact that he was definitely going home, he knew he and the king would play again some other day and the baby was looking forward to it.

And as for Asgore himself, he decided allowing Papyrus to ingest a bit of soap wasn't the worst idea in the world.


End file.
